


Blooming Into a Dream

by sam_bam16



Series: Dreaming in a Nightmare AUs [1]
Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Canon Compliant, Fix-It, Gen, Joseph Kavinsky Lives, Joseph Kavinsky is His Own Warning, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, except he don't die obviously, my boy lives because he deserves to, nothing of the original storyline is changed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-04
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:55:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 31
Words: 90,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21674047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sam_bam16/pseuds/sam_bam16
Summary: His world was a nightmare but that doesn't mean it couldn't have bloomed into something better. A canon compliant (minus the fact that he lived) Joseph Kavinsky fix it. Recovery is a long road but Kavinsky is going to be dragged along for the ride whether he likes it or not.  Don't expect flowers and butterflies until the end.The AU my boy deserves, thank youTechnically a standalone, but to understand characterizations, stories, and OCs, it'd help to read the Dreaming in a Nightmare series. Which is no small feat, I know, I'm sorry. I'm going to do character bios per requested by a reader soon, so maybe that'll help instead.
Relationships: Joseph Kavinsky/Swan, Others but minor - Relationship
Series: Dreaming in a Nightmare AUs [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1562467
Comments: 91
Kudos: 11





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Here we go again for another crazy ride. But a happy (eventually) crazy ride  
> Welcome to the happy au y'all
> 
> If you're new, hola, I'm Sam, the crazy writer who drinks too much coffee and blabbers a little too much. If you're old, hola and welcome back! Thanks all of you for joining me on another insanity train. I love hearing from you people so please, let me hear from you
> 
> So a couple quick things then y'all are allowed to read:  
> This will be updated slow for right now. Once every two weeks on Tuesdays which...today is a Wednesday. Ignore that. Next chapter will be up on the 17th  
> I owe people Snapshots. I swear, I'm getting to them. I spent Nov doing Nano (which was successful!) so that's where all my creativeness drowned.  
> Emilio's story (if you know/read it) will be coming back in a couple weeks so stay tuned. Proko's story finished in October as well as Even Nightmares End  
> And finally, I'll be doing some dream pack shenanigan snapshots. They'll be posted within the Snapshots collection but also separately as one shots for people who may just want to read that one story. So pretty much I'm just saying they're cross-posted so if you see the same story, it is in fact the same
> 
> Aaanddd...that should be it? This story is, I think, going to be a lot of fun  
> As always, enjoy
> 
> _“Yeah, I went for the whole ‘bandaged’ look but I don’t think I’m pulling it off.”_

_“Get down!”_

_“The world’s a nightmare,” Joseph replied simply, watching as Diana raced closer and closer._

_“Come down, you bastard!”_

Joseph’s eyes flew open.

Had it been a dream? Where was he? What was he even looking at? Everything was a blur, his vision not cooperating. Joseph’s head throbbed, a hammer hitting against his temple, and all he wanted to do was _scream_.

The inability to scream just made him want to scream even more.

It was like an earthquake through his body; aftershock after aftershock of pain running from head to toe. He wanted to cry but his throat was parched. Too parched for cries, too parched for screams, too parched for anything. Hell, half his face felt parched like the skin was stretched beyond its limits.

Shutting his eyes so tight that he began to see spots, the movement stretching the skin tighter to the point of pain, Joseph lifted his hands to rub his face to maybe get some of this damn confusion to go away. Or at least, he _tried_ to lift his hands and he did but not without that scream finally escaping his mouth as it felt like his right arm ripped open.

“Joseph?”

A voice. Whose voice? Her voice. He hurt. Joseph wanted water. He wanted his arm to stop throbbing. He wanted to be able to understand the voice and what it was saying. Joseph’s headache was affecting his ears which felt like they were ready to explode. He hurt. He hurt so damn much. He wanted his mother. His father. Finlay. Emilio. Someone who he knew would help the pain lessen.

“…tening? Joseph, baby, are you listening?”

Listening. He was listening. Listening over the pounding of his head and the beating of his ears. Eyes, he needed to open his eyes and bring some clarity to the situation but it hurt. The brightness hurt. Everything just fucking hurt.

Something touched him, petting his head, but it felt weird. Foreign. He wanted to tell whatever it was to stop but his tongue felt loose from disuse and his mouth ached like it hadn’t opened in so long. Whatever the thing was, it rubbed softly across his aching head. “Hey, you there?”

It felt like ages until he could drag his eyes open again and once he did, all he felt was worse. The ceiling was spinning and the lights were too damn-

He knew this ceiling.

Joseph also knew the blob that was no longer a talking blob.

“Hey, beautiful,” his mother whispered, a soft smile on her face. “Where you been? Been talking to myself for a week, y’know. That’s not nice.”

She looked weird.

No, not weird.

“Well, not entirely to myself,” she snorted softly, still rubbing his head though Joseph was convinced something was off. “Been talking to doctors, Gwen, Finlay, your bashtá-”

He zoned out after that point, too busy scanning her face before lifting a hand and touching her cheek. His mother went silent and watched him, seemingly waiting. His head wasn’t up to thinking right now but he didn’t need to think for this. “You’re clean.”

She smiled, almost proudly, as she rested her hand on his that was cupping her cheek. “You noticed.”

It was impossible not to when he hadn’t seen such clear eyes and that easy smile in so long. He’d missed them more than anything and here there were. Clear eyes, clear face, clear just everything.

His mother was his mother again.

Pushing back a stray strand of hair behind her ear, Joseph wondered what in the world could inspire her to get clean all of the sudden. Him being in the hospital wasn’t anything- “Talking to yourself?” he muttered, lowering his hand and staring at her in confusion. “What are you talking about?”

A sadness entered her eyes but her soft smile stayed in place as she sat down on the edge of his bed. He was pretty sure this room was smaller than any he’d had before.

They should complain. It felt like he was in a fucking closet.

Clarity struck him when he really took in her hands. It’d been gloved when it’d covered his but he hadn’t been paying attention. The other was gloved too which had to be why it’d felt weird as she petted his head. “Gloves?” He took a moment of pain to take a look at himself. “Bandages?” Why was he bandaged?

What was he even in the hospital for?

She wet her lips in that thinking way and set a careful hand on his chest, completely avoiding his right side. It felt weird but he didn’t understand why his side and arm felt weird. “Baby, how much do you remember?”

Remember? Remember of what? He barely had been able to recognize her through his haze of pain and now that he was thinking about it, he hurt all over again. Why did he hurt so much? Through his gritted teeth that was making the right side of his face pull uncomfortably…and now that he thought about it…there were bandages on his face…

What the hell had happened?

Through his gritted teeth to stop his cry of pain, Joseph said “I hurt like hell.”

“The nurse should be in any minute now and she’ll get that morphine pumping, don’t worry.” She looked dying to hug and kiss him but for some reason, she didn’t. He didn’t like that. “Joseph, what do you remember?”

As if he could actually think through this searing pain. What did he remember? Vague faces…lights, sirens maybe…tears…worry on different people’s faces but who they were… “Nothing.”

His mother’s mouth curled down, displeased by the answer like maybe she’d been hoping for more. Well, Joseph had been too because he’d like to know what the fuck was going on. After pain meds, of course, when he could actually process things. If he was himself without a lagging brain, he’d probably be able to at least deduce what the bandages were for. Maybe.

Glancing down, he took in what he could tell which…wasn’t much being that his lower half was covered with the blanket and his body with a gown. But his arm was covered, wrapped in white bandages and a certain tightness around his lower arm and wrist. His hand was wrapped but not extensively though moving his fingers made his nerves scream. There was a lump under the covers that he was pretty sure was his foot but it looked…big. On a pillow maybe?

“What’s wrong with me,” Joseph whispered, frustrated that he didn’t know, annoyed that he was confused, and angry that he couldn’t even put the pieces together. Using his left hand, he felt around his body with a hesitant hand, both afraid of what he might find and of causing pain. “I’m bandaged,” he murmured to himself, gently patting those that he felt under his gown along his torso. All along his right side and even towards his middle, he was bandaged.

Head to possible fucking toe. Joseph couldn’t check down there without stretching and that sounded like a bad idea.

On his side, stomach, ribs, arm, shoulder, even up his neck, there were bandages. His ear was covered as was some of the right side of his jaw. Just above his ear, there was no hair, buzzed down to his scalp and above that, it felt crinkled and broken.

Singed.

Burns. He was covered in burns.

There was a click and the door to his room opened but Joseph was too busy staring down at his bandaged arm to pay attention to who walked in. Underneath the whiteness, he had to be burned. Severely if the pain was anything to go by. Not to mention that he was in the hospital and hospitals didn’t keep around people with minor burns.

Joseph just didn’t understand what had happened.

What the hell had happened to him?

“You’re up.”

Why couldn’t he grasp what’d happened? One would think that remembering why the fuck you were burned so bad wouldn’t be an issue. “I’m burned.”

A gloved hand covered his bandaged one. “Joseph, tell me if you want him here or not.”

Him? Right, someone had walked in. Someone had noticed that he was up, sounding relieved. Happy even. But his condition was taking his attention more than his need to see his guest. He was burned, not to a crisp thankfully, but burned. Burned and he didn’t know how or why.

“Sweetheart, look up for me.”

“I’m burned.”

“Baby.”

“I’m burned. Why am I burned?”

“Joseph-”

He was in the hospital, he knew that much. “What day is it?” Joseph asked, looking up at his mother.

And inadvertently looking up at his father who was behind her.

Well, this was the him apparently.

Joseph wasn’t up to doing this now. In fact, he was just going to avoid it entirely. Aiming all his focus on his mother, he repeated “What day is it?”

“A Wednesday,” she answered, worry on her face but it was okay because it was her. Regular worry, regular Vesela with her beautiful expressive eyes. “The 13th.”

She’d said something about a week, hadn’t she? A week since what? What was the last thing he even-

_“Get down!”_

He hadn’t gotten down. Joseph hadn’t gotten down from…from what? There was…planning for something…dreaming? Lots of dreaming. Lots of planning. Planning for what?

_“Get down!”_

Get down. Get down from… “I can’t remember. I can’t…remember…”

Joseph didn’t like that.

The door opened again, bringing in a small woman with waves of hair stuffed in a bun. “Hey!” she exclaimed, all good cheer as she came in with a…thing… Vitals cart. That was it. Why was his memory so fucked? “You’re up! Mama, you know no sitting there,” the nurse scolded with a _tsk_. “Up, up.”

“Sorry, sorry,” his mother laughed, getting up and going to stand at the foot of Joseph’s bed with his father. His father who didn’t look like his father. He looked…old. Tired. Too thin. His mother wiggled her fingers at the nurse, “I wore gloves.”

Gloves. Gloves to make sure if she touched him, there’d be less chance of bacteria. His brain was catching up now. Less chance of infection. Burns were easily susceptible to them. “I’m burned.”

Parking her cart beside him, the nurse gave him a nice smile and unwrapped her stethoscope from her neck. “You are. But you’re looking good so let’s not worry, okay? How are you feeling? Rate your pain for me.”

Rate his pain. “A hundred.”

She laughed but concern made her laugh sound subdued. “Okay, fair enough. This is the first time you’ve been fully aware since you’ve been here. Tell me what you’re feeling.”

So he’d awakened before then? He just hadn’t been coherent enough for anything or to even remember waking. “My head feels like it’s going to explode along with my ears. There’s a high chance I could throw up right now and with any movement, my skin will rip. How’s that for feeling?”

“Very good, actually,” the nurse replied, putting her stethoscope in her ears and pressing the end to his chest. “I wish all my patients were as descriptive as you. Breathe for me.” He breathed, but it hurt like a fucking bitch. He wanted drugs like now. “Good,” she said after moving it around his chest and back before returning it around her neck. “Your lungs sound nice and clear-”

“I’m in pain. Severe pain like I could kill you for a fucking pill.”

“Joseph,” his mother said and he liked the fact that she sounded angry. It sounded like her again. He almost couldn’t wait to push her buttons just so he could see her angry again.

It’d been so long.

“No that’s okay,” the nurse laughed, taking out an IV bag from her little cart and walking around his bed to his left. She hooked it beside another that was already hanging and plugged the tube into the IV in his hand. “I need to know his pain level. Pain management is important when it comes to burn victims. Especially because we need to manage him a little differently.”

Differently? “Why?”

“Because, hon, you’re an addict.”

Four people were too much for this room and Joseph was so going to complain for a bigger one. Gwen smiled at him as she walked over while slipping on a pair of gloves. Resting her hand over his heart, she said with such relief “Baby boy, I hope you know how much I wish I could hug you right now. It’s wonderful to see you talking.”

Drugs straight through the veins worked pretty damn fast because lord was he feeling better already. Or maybe it was all psychological. It didn’t matter what it was, his head felt less like ‘explode’ and more like ‘earthquake.’

Much better.

“I’m burned.” Joseph figured if he said it enough, someone had to give him some information eventually.

“That you are. Happens when you try to kill yourself with fireworks.”

“Gwen!” the other nurse said, practically scandalized with wide accusing eyes. “Really?”

Kill himself with fireworks? That wouldn’t have been very effective. He was smarter than that. Fireworks would leave too many variables that could go wrong. The chance of him being successful with fireworks-

Get down.

A flash of fire shot through his mind. Fire so hot that was meant to damage. To kill. Fire not on its own nor attached to a firework though.

Dragon fire.

Get down. Get down from the car. Get down and out of the way from the dragon hurtling towards him at his bidding, finally going to give him his freedom.

Joseph had fucked up yet again. Even with his own power, with the power of the fucking supernatural, he’d fucked it up. How could someone fail with such a foolproof plan? With the power of magic on their side, for fuck’s sake?

“I fucked up.”

“You’re lucky I can’t put one right up top your head,” Gwen almost snapped. Almost. Not quite though like she didn’t want to get angry with him. “‘Fucked up?’ You damn well fucked up.”

“Gwen,” the nurse repeated in a much sterner voice.

“You come to my house tellin’ me thank you, eat my damn cookies, and go an’ try to off yourself? Are you stupid?”

It was so very Gwen to note the cookies. “It didn’t work so apparently yeah, I’m stupid. I can’t seem to do it.”

Gwen definitely wasn’t amused. In fact, she looked more pissed than he’d ever seen. “I’ll slap you. I will. I swear on the Lord that I won’t even feel bad about it.”

She was so just…herself that Joseph couldn’t help but smile. And then cry because smiling hurt. And then groan in pain because crying hurt. “I’m a failure.”

“Good. Be a damn failure at this. Hon, when we got problems, what do we do?”

With a sigh and sinking carefully into his pillow because she’d given him this speech many times, Joseph looked to the ceiling and replied “We talk.”

“And what didn’t you do?”

Everyone made it sound so simple.

“Talk.” He turned his head onto his left side and took in the cot that must’ve been his mother’s bed for the week. She had a bag on the floor, two although from the looks of a sleeve sticking out, that was his father’s shirt.

His father.

Weird.

“Who brought me roses?” Joseph asked, the blood red flowers one of the more beautiful things he’d seen in a long time. They were fresh and bright and probably smelled amazing if he was able to stretch and pull one out of the huge vase.

“I’m still talking to you,” Gwen snorted though Joseph could tell her vigor was now gone. “You’re lucky it’s not worse. If you think you’s in pain now, imagine-”

“Gwen,” the nurse interrupted as she walked back around the bed. “Enough. Now, lemme just get your temp and blood pressure and then Nate will be in to put new bandages.”

Ignoring his gorgeous roses for a minute because Nate was a guy’s name, Joseph glanced at his body and where he thought he was covered and then up at his mother who, thankfully, also seemed concerned. “Sandy usually takes care of that,” his mother said as the nurse took his temperature. “Is she not in?”

“No, she called in today but Nate is really good-”

“No,” Joseph snapped, yanking his left arm out of her reach just to be difficult as she tried to take his blood pressure. No way in hell was a fucking man undressing him, unwrapping him, or just touching him. “Fuck you and fuck your Nate.”

The nurse looked confused and Joseph felt a little bad because she didn’t understand but that wasn’t his problem. Not happening. “What he’s trying to say,” his mother sighed in that ‘God, grant me patience’ way he hadn’t heard in forever, “is that we’d be more comfortable with someone who’s been here already. I’m sure Nate’s skills are amazing but we’d…prefer a woman.”

He knew she was hesitant because she was worried that he’d get upset for trying to explain but Joseph was more afraid of having a man touch him than this nurse putting clues together. His mother, obviously, knew and he was more than sure Gwen had figured it out and Ivo did in fact know so…what was there to hide?

Flicking her eyes between him and his mother, the nurse nodded slowly and held out the pressure wrap. “I’ll get someone to switch with Nate. Now lemme see that toothpick of yours.”

Rude. “Maybe it’s a chopstick,” Joseph snorted, handing over his arm now that they were all figured out.

“Nope, you’re a sack of toothpicks. Not even bones. Now that you’re up fully, we’re getting you on a good diet. High protein, vitamin and mineral supplements-”

Joseph watched as the wrap constricted his arm. “How’d you feed me before?”

“Feeding tube down the nose. We actually just took it out this morning. You’ve got good timing.”

No wonder his nose felt raw as fuck. The nurse took off the sleeve and typed some stuff into the computer on the cart. “I’ll get someone to come change your bandages in a sec. Sit tight, toothpick.”

The name didn’t even bother him. Where was the lie? He looked up at his IV bags, guessing what each was before asking “How’d you get clean in a week?”

“You’d be amazed how good of a motivator your child trying to kill himself again is.”

Good answer. Unwittingly, his eyes drew back to his roses that looked like two freaking dozens. Goddamn. There was a little white envelope on a plastic stick between them. Very carefully, he reached out and pulled the envelope off the stick, resting himself back in bed with a small wince. “Did you open this?”

“Not mine to open,” his mother replied, walking over and sitting down on her little cot. She looked to his father, “Did you open it?”

“Why would I?” his father snorted, keeping his spot at the foot of the bed as he sipped coffee. It was weird hearing his voice in person after so long. It made his heart do funny things but he was both too tired and too drugged to deal with anything.

Later. Later Joseph would try to find how he felt about all this. Maybe after some food because he actually felt hungry and some rest so his brain was ready for hard conversations. He knew he should be yelling at the man to fuck off, ask him who the hell he thought he was just to show up here, but Joseph only felt relieved.

Hearing his father’s voice was more calming than he thought it’d be.

Was it because he was injured? Probably. Because he’d wished for him? Also probably.

But that was all for later.

Opening the little envelope, Joseph pulled out a small white card that had oh so very round handwriting on it. Oh so round handwriting that he’d made fun of before.

_Roses for my Bulgarian Queen_

Joseph was pretty sure that the last time he’d blushed this hard, Emilio had been the reason. His face was so hot that he felt like his blush reached the tips of his ears – if one hadn’t been bandaged – and stretched down to his chest. “You fucking idiot.”

“I think he’s sweet.”

Glaring at his mother while shoving that damn card back in the envelope and that damn envelope back into his damn roses, Joseph muttered “You said you didn’t read it.”

Man, did he wish he could cross his arms.

“I didn’t,” she laughed and hearing that laugh was better than anything. The music of it, the _pureness_ of it. He’d missed it so much that he couldn’t help but smile for her. “But he had to bring them, you know. He comes every day.”

Of course he did.

Seemingly remembering something, his mother reached under her cot and handed him a box. “This is also for you.” She pointed at a small vase of daffodils sitting in the window that he hadn’t noticed. “That’s also from him and…” she pointed over at his father who scooted a bit and pointed with her at a vase of assorted tulips which also had a basket of assorted flowers beside it “those and the basket next to it.”

“And these,” his father laughed while flicking a small vase of lilies. “We told him if he keeps bringing shit, he can’t come anymore.”

Joseph wasn’t sure if his condition would allow him to healthily blush anymore because he was blushing more by the second. Why did Finlay always have to be so damn extra? Opening the box to see what the only thing that wasn’t flowers was, Joseph asked “Guess he hasn’t come today yet?”

“Nope,” his mother snorted as she stretched, “and good thing. If you woke after he came, he’d have a fit.”

Staring down into a box filled with Beanie Babies, Joseph covered his face with one hand – his right hand screamed in protest at the movement so he let it be – and laughed. Atop the colorful plushies sat a small slip of paper, a note written on it.

_My Queen needs his entourage_


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Does anyone who's new want me to put the Bulgarian dictionary? I used to put it at the end of all chapters in all my stories but stopped after awhile because most people got it by then. There's not a lot of words, just some sprinkled here and there. Like family words and stuff. Lemme know
> 
> And enjoy!
> 
> _Also, I’m supposed to find a way to say that we’re happy you’re not dead, sensitively, but I forgo all sensitive shit._

“Yo, you sure it’s okay that I’m with you?”

Finlay rolled his eyes at a question he’d answered all the way here and all the way into the hospital and now, apparently, all the way up to Joseph’s room. “Jiang, bitch, I swear-”

“I’m just like…nervous, alright,” Jiang huffed, crossing his arms with a gift hanging from his wrist. Finlay had tried to look inside the bag but he had been rudely slapped instead. Face softening from annoyance as the elevator stopped at the floor they needed, Jiang murmured “I’ve only met his mom once and now she’s clean. I’ve never met his dad and now he’s here. I…I just dunno if I can see him in bed, y’know?”

Yeah, Finlay knew. Finlay knew exactly what Jiang was talking about.

_Holding his vase of roses tightly against his chest and feeling kind of stupid, Finlay found the room he was looking for and took a deep breath before knocking. He was terrified, mostly, because he was afraid Mrs. K would be mad at him for not seeing this coming. He was terrified, really, because he should’ve seen this coming but he hadn’t and now he had to face the boy he loved in a hospital bed._

_In short, Finlay was terrified of just about everything._

_A man opened the door and for a moment, they just stared at each other. He was hauntingly familiar, this man, with his long nose, nice brows, brown eyes that weren’t large but weren’t small either, and wry mouth. Hauntingly familiar in that…he remined Finlay of his love. It clicked then, who this man was. A flash of a picture in San Diego went through his mind, Joseph pointing out every member of his family._

_Despite himself, Finlay’s stomach churned._

_“I’m here to see Joseph,” Finlay said, puffing out his chest and standing taller. On principle, he hated this man. But also, he knew Joseph loved him. Finlay wanted to make a good impression for Joseph’s sake, regardless of his current feelings. “Mr…Kavinsky?”_

_The man nodded slowly, sizing up Finlay before holding the door open and gesturing him in. His critical gaze burned Finlay’s skin. “Come on in. You are?”_

_Finlay knew it was childish but he legit stopped in his tracks and stared at Joseph’s father. He’d heard a few accents in his time being that Aglionby brought kids from everywhere but he’d never heard one like that. Joseph had never said his dad had an accent. “Um…I’m, uh, Finlay. Finlay Swan.”_

_He kind of wanted to say ‘his boyfriend’ but it was both a lie and might cause issues they didn’t need right now._

_“Nice to meet you, Finlay,” Mr. Kavinsky said, though he was giving Finlay this weird look. Almost like he knew he’d stared because of his voice. He eyed the roses, “That’s…a lot of flowers.”_

_Roses for his Bulgarian queen. He hoped Mr. K wouldn’t read the card. He hoped Joseph was still all for the affection. “Roses are Bulgaria’s flower which…you most likely know.” Joseph’s father raised a brow. “And you give people in hospitals flowers.”_

_“Two dozen seems excessive, no?”_

_Not when he was madly in love and had almost lost Joseph. Or at least, he figured he was madly in love. Finlay had a problem with falling hard. “Nope. If I’m rich, I might as well spend it.” It was such an ironic thing to say when he’d spent most of his life dead ass broke. Turning towards the bed in the small room, Finlay froze, his eyes going wide. “Fucking…hell…”_

_His love was a wreck. Scratch that, a fucking wreck. He was wrapped in what seemed like a gazillion bandages and his arm and leg were elevated by slings. There were tubes and IVs everywhere, making Finlay queasy as hell knowing that all these things were the only stuff keeping Joseph alive. But…the heart monitor was beating at a steady pace and he was breathing well with the help of the oxygen down his throat so…that was a good sign._

_Finlay should’ve brought five dozen roses and a blanket. And just everything the stores had to offer._

_“You can put your flowers on the table by the bed if you’d like,” Mr. Kavinsky said as he walked around the bed to where a small cot was, taking a seat. There were bags and some food wrappers strewn around, a pants here and a shirt there. He tapped the bedside table beside him. “Or here. Wherever you’d like.”_

_The man was polite, Finlay could give him that._

_Joseph was all bandaged on the right side and Finlay wanted him to see these as soon as possible so… Walking around the bed, admittingly a little afraid of being so close to who he just remembered was a mobster, Finlay set his vase on the small drawer set before focusing back on his unconscious love. “He hasn’t woken up yet?”_

_It’d been two days since the ‘accident’ and Finlay had been too scared to go see Joseph. Too scared to see him hurt. Too scared to face the fact that he was so fucking blind._

_The guilt had been eating him alive. He hadn’t caught a wink of sleep from the playback of all the events leading up to this horrid moment._

_And because of that damn fucking letter. He should’ve known. He should’ve because it wasn’t like Joseph went around passing out damn letters. Finlay hadn’t opened it, couldn’t bring himself to, so it sat unopened in his glove compartment._

_He wasn’t so sure that there’d ever be a day that he could open it._

_“He’s in and out but unaware of it. He’ll…moan a bit, cry a little, then go back to sleep. Which, I guess, is best for now so he doesn’t feel the worst of the pain.”_

_Biting on his nail, Finlay shoved his fear away and asked “How bad?”_

_There was a heavy sigh like he’d had the weight of the world on his shoulders before he answered “Not as bad as it could’ve been, supposedly.”_

_Finlay could hear where Joseph’s biting sarcasm came from. Jesus._

_“I consider this bad but what do I know? But then, Vesela’s always been a positive one.”_

_“Vesela?”_

_“His mother. My wife.” Oh. That was her name? Wait, where the fuck was she? Glancing around even though he knew there was no one else here- “She’s home getting some rest and checking on the dog. Walnut.” Mr. K laughed, almost nostalgically. “His naming technique definitely hasn’t gotten better.”_

_Deciding that he wasn’t going to have Mr. Kavinsky talk to his back because that was rude as fuck, Finlay turned around and very carefully sat on the very very edge of Joseph’s bed. “How’s she doing?” Depending how high she’d been when she’d heard the news, she either cared or didn’t. Had they called Mr. Kavinsky here because she was-_

_“Ivo, Yulian says you’re not answering-” Mrs. K paused in the doorway, her hands full of bags with God knew what. A smile eclipsed her face and suddenly, Finlay was sure he’d never seen this smile before. It was…beautiful. Bright. Awake. Was she…no way… “Finlay? Hi, sweetheart!”_

_Before he knew it, his mouth was blaring like the idiot he was. “Mrs. K, you clean?”_

_She paused from closing the door and Finlay wished he’d stopped himself. But she just seemed so… everything he’d never seen before. Joseph’s mother didn’t seem annoyed by the question though, if anything she looked…_

_Proud._

_“Damn straight,” she laughed, putting the bags down and finishing the small distance to him, enveloping him in a suffocating hug as if this was something they did on the regular. Not that he minded. “I’m on day three, bitch, and I’m feeling like a winner. Mostly. When I’m not feeling like complete trash.” Putting her hands on his shoulders and looking him in the eyes with this playful face that was nothing like when she was high and weird, she added “The first forty-eight hours were the hardest but…I’m okay today. I feel good.”_

_“Fuck,” he said, in lack of being able to say much else because when Joseph was awake, he was going to freak. “That’s…amazing. Congratulations, I mean, damn, that’s just…”_

_“That amazing, yeah, I know,” Joseph’s mother laughed. Her eyes caught on the roses, “Those are gorgeous, thank you!”_

_Finlay wondered if she thought that he’d brought them as ‘the boyfriend.’ As far as he knew, she still believed their lie. “So, um, how’s he doin’?”_

_“Well,” she began, taking a careful seat beside him, “could’ve been worse-”_

_“Uhuh,” Mr. Kavinsky snorted while typing on his phone, “worse.”_

_Mrs. K looked annoyed with her husband and maybe she was just on the fact that she didn’t know how to deal with him. Finlay knew that they hadn’t seen each other in years. It was a bit different than talking on the phone. “Yeah, worse, Ivo. If you were just going to bring your negativity, then you shouldn’t have come.”_

_Tossing his phone onto the cot beside him, Mr. K looked particularly pissed in a very Kavinsky way as he replied “Right, because who gives a fuck that my child is in the hospital for severe burns because of his third suicide attempt and has been unconscious for two days.”_

_He doubted that they wanted to be corrected. They didn’t know about Finlay talking Joseph down from blowing out his brains. “Did you just arrive?” Finlay asked nervously, hoping it was okay to even speak. He didn’t like this tension at all but he wasn’t leaving._

_“Last night.”_

_“Ah.”_

_“What I’m saying,” Mrs. Kavinsky sighed, sounding more tired than she looked, “is that ‘what ifs’ aren’t going to help. We’re here now. He’s here now. Yes, it could’ve been worse. He could’ve died, he could’ve been burnt to a crisp, but he didn’t and here we are. Let’s just get to the point of him waking up and we’ll worry about everything after.”_

_“So…prognosis?” Finlay tried again, still wanting an answer. Burns, yeah he knew, but he wanted to know how bad._

_“Right, so…he’s…crispy on the right.” Finlay couldn’t help but laugh which made her smile and wink. “Mostly. Some towards his middle too. The most severe burns are around his wrist and lower arm and also a few patches along his ribs.” She paused, his eyes flicking over to her child and his raised arm. “The swelling is better now…um, third degree but…it’s looking positive.”_

_“Third?” Finlay practically whispered, his own eyes looking over to Joseph’s arm. Biting his nail, he added “That’s…not good.”_

_Understatement of the year._

_“The majority are varying degrees of second degree burns. Mild to severe. Some first surrounding the areas too but, um…” she nodded slowly, still looking down at Joseph, “we’ll…uh…get there. He’ll get better. Just needs a bit of time. Just…some time.”_

Finlay led them to Joseph’s room, no longer feeling the nerves he had the first couple days of coming. He’d found his groove with Joseph’s parents and had no problem with seeing his love in bed. If anything, he just wanted to do everything for him if he’d been allowed or not too embarrassed to ask. “It’ll be fine, don’t worry.”

Jiang grumbled something behind him that Finlay didn’t care to catch as he knocked before sticking his head into the room. “Can I…”

The most beautiful boy in the world raised his brows at him though flinched a second later because it must’ve hurt. “Can you…?”

“Shit, I know that stupid ass voice,” Jiang laughed, all nerves having disappeared, shoving Finlay in and looking almost as happy as he did when Isha had said yes to them getting together. “Oh my shit, Jersey, you look like shit!”

Joseph laughed, an almost carefree smile on his face. “Yeah, I went for the whole ‘bandaged’ look but I don’t think I’m pulling it off.” He held up a Saint Bernard Beanie Baby and just the fact that he’d opened them and had all of them in bed with him made Finlay’s heart swell. “I’ve decided that this is Finlay.”

“Fuck, where’d you get all these from?” Jiang asked, walking over and leaving Finlay still dumbfounded by the door.

Joseph was awake.

Joseph was awake and smiling and laughing and naming his Beanie Babies.

Fuck.

“From Finlay,” Joseph answered, setting down Beanie Finlay and picking up a Chihuahua. “This is Skov.”

“You got him Beanie Babies?”

Wishing desperately that of all days he hadn’t come empty handed, Finlay walked over and sat on the empty cot. It was odd that the room was empty because-

Mr. Kavinsky walked in, fresh coffee in hand.

Okay, scratch that.

“Hello,” Mr. K said, walking over and taking a seat beside Finlay. Whenever Finlay came, he tried his best to keep his distance because the man scared him and yet here they were. It was like Joseph’s father stuck to him on purpose. Actually, he was more than positive that he did. It stressed Finlay the fuck out but he couldn’t tell him to fuck off. “Empty hands today?”

“Of all days, yeah,” Finlay muttered sullenly. “I should go buy something.”

_“More…flowers?”_

_“Best way to brighten a room,” Finlay replied, walking in with his daffodils and setting them on the windowsill over the cot. Finlay liked to think of himself as fearless but just hearing this man’s voice, having to be in room alone with him, crushed that fearlessness like nothing. “A brighter room’s proven for brighter recovery, you know.”_

_Mr. Kavinsky nodded as he chewed a granola bar. “I guess.” Finlay personally preferred sitting with Mrs. Kavinsky but he seemed to only come on Mr. K’s time. Anytime he tried to time it with what he thought their schedules were, he’d end up wrong. “Can I ask you something?” Sitting down on the cot so he could watch over Joseph, Finlay shrugged. “Are you in love with Joseph?”_

_Finlay blushed at being found out so easily, hiding it behind the guise of rubbing his hair that he was growing out to do cornrows again. They weren’t his favorite but Joseph had liked them the best so…_

_Yeah._

_“What makes you say that?” For a man who Finlay knew was homophobic, knew that he’d beaten Joseph for having a boyfriend, knew-_

_Shit._

_Taking a curious look at Mr. Kavinsky, Finlay roved his eyes over the man, not sure what he was looking for. It was weird knowing that this person had in fact had a bullet put through his head – on accident – and yet here he was._

_Acting totally normal. Acting like a totally fine human being._

_Well, so did Proko…kind of. Proko was a little off._

_“If, for example,” Mr. Kavinsky began, leaning against the counter behind himself and crossing his arms, “my wife, God forbid, was in the hospital, I’d bring her flowers and gifts and show up every day and sit there-”_

_“Your point?”_

_“I want to know if you love my son. Like, even. There’s something. I can see that much.” He took another bite of granola with that unnervingly blank face of his. “So do you?”_

_Glancing from father to son, Finlay rested his elbows on his knees and his chin on his clasped hands. He’d never been afraid of homophobes but he knew Joseph wouldn’t be comfortable with this. “Why? So you can stand there and spew shit at me? About him? Save it because I don’t care to hear it.”_

_“What makes you so sure that I would?”_

_“I know a lot more than you think, Mr. Kavinsky.”_

_“Well, not everything because you don’t know that I now have no problem with Joseph being…being…being gay.”_

_He couldn’t stop himself from laughing. It was a dangerous thing to laugh in this man’s face but there just was no stopping it. “You sure? You really struggled there for a minute. Is it because he almost died?”_

_“He’s almost died quite a few times now.”_

_“I do love him,” Finlay said softly, turning back to the still pale boy in bed. “I love him so much that it hurts. So much that I’d do anything for his stupid ass. It’s funny because we used to hate each other.”_

_It almost sounded like Mr. Kavinsky laughed. “Enemies to lovers. Cheesy as fuck.”_

_“Yeah, I’m a cheesy guy. I told your son as much. He despises cheesy pet names but I dig ‘em so…” Finlay trailed off, a pang of emptiness stabbing him. No, Joseph wouldn’t have to deal with it. Finlay had already been rejected. It was over. He’d tried and it hadn’t worked and that was that._

_“So…?”_

_“Never mind,” Finlay sighed, the realization that this was all fruitless hitting him harder than anything. He could act all lovey now but once Joseph was awake, it was over. “So, nothing. We’re not anything. It doesn’t matter.”_

“Yo, Beanie Babies?” Jiang glanced at the huge pile of animals on Joseph. “How many damn babies did you buy him, you cheesy fuck?”

“The entire display.”

“Of course you did,” Joseph laughed. It did funny things to Finlay’s heart. Funny happy things but also sad things because he didn’t get to have that laugh. He’d been dumped already. It hurt every time he thought about it. Picking up the Saint Bernard again, Joseph held it up to Finlay. “Finlay, meet Finlay.” He made the little dog’s head bob, “Woof.”

Blushing, Finlay grabbed the dog and stared at his namesake. “Why am I Bernard? And maybe I wanna say ‘bark.’ Or ‘arf.’”

“Nah, woof is cheesy. You’re cheesy.” He laughed and picked up a tubby looking corgi, smiling cheekily at Jiang. “Guess who this is?” Jiang shrugged, his eyes now actually paying attention to how bad Joseph looked. He looked scared almost, concerned for sure, and maybe just a bit guilty.

But Finlay knew that they were all feeling guilty. He’d literally given them a goodbye speech and none of them had been paying attention.

“It’s Isha.” Jiang went in for the slap but froze, his hand an inch from Joseph’s bandaged ear. Joseph stuck out his tongue and stupidly, all that Finlay focused on was his lack of tongue stud. “Looooser. You can’t touch meeee.”

Yanking Dog Isha out of Joseph’s hand, Jiang stared at it, then Joseph, narrowing his eyes dangerously. “Are you calling my boyfriend fat, you twig jackass?”

“No, he’s pleasantly plump,” Joseph snorted before he cringed, carefully clutching his nose. “Ouch. And you like him plump so me saying it isn’t wrong. It’s merely acknowledging the fact.”

“I’m sorry that I like my significant others to have a little meat on them,” Jiang muttered, crossing his arms. “We can’t all be Swan over there liking your sack of bones ass.”

Taking back Dog Isha, Joseph replied “You wish you liked my sack of bones ass. You wish you were even my type, dumbass.” Reaching over, he picked up a cup of juice with a lid and straw from the bedside table and sipped. “Thanks for all the flowers and the Beanie babies, by the way. I heard you got threatened to stop bringing stuff?”

_“And…more flowers,” Mr. Kavinsky laughed, shaking his head from where he was lying down on the cot, Mrs. Kavinsky sitting at his feet. “Jesus Christ, kid, how whipped are you?”_

_It was weird. He knew that Joseph’s father wasn’t entirely comfortable with the ‘gay thing’ and yet he seemed to be able to joke about it. It was both confusing and confounding and left Finlay wondering if maybe the man really was ready to accept Joseph for who he was._

_Which was strange as it was._

_“They’d have to actually be together for him to be whipped,” Mrs. K snorted, flipping a page of an ancient history magazine. She threw him a glare, “Actually. Together.”_

_Great. She’d found out. Finlay wouldn’t have minded if she’d never figured it out. “For the record-”_

_“Uh-uh. Save it. You two led me on. You know what kind of ridiculous things I said to him thinking you guys were together? And it just turns out you’re both liars.”_

_Setting down his basket of flowers while wishing he could know what these ridiculous things were, Finlay took a seat in the ugly uncomfortable chair and said “You just…seemed so happy about it so he wanted to keep you happy. I didn’t mind playing along.”_

_“I was happy because I thought he was finally being himself.”_

_“Well, I mean…it’s not like it was totally a lie though. I asked him out, he said no.” Finlay laughed, remembering their huge fight. A huge fight that to this day he didn’t understand. “Actually, he said yes, we were together for two hours, and then he dumped me. And then the next day he tried to kill himself. And here we are.”_

_Mr. Kavinsky raised his head, giving Finlay a quizzical look. “I thought you said there’s nothing between you guys.”_

_“There isn’t.”_

_Those words hurt a lot more than he could’ve ever guessed._

_“No, there is. Rejection. A two hour relationship. Those still count.”_

_“What’s your point?” Finlay asked crossly. He’d known this man for a few days now but he rubbed him the wrong way in so many ways. So many. “Are you going to have a homophobic freak out?”_

_“Rude,” he replied, setting his head back down and resting his hands on his chest. “And no. I might have a fatherly freak out though. But so far, I seem to like you.” Lifting his head again, he asked “Why’d he dump you?”_

_“I’d say with all due respect but I don’t actually mean it so I won’t. It’s not of your business. Especially because more than half the reason he’s the mess he is, is your fault.”_

_He didn’t even seem mildly offended. “I know. Trust me. Anyways,” he yawned, resting his head down back on the cot, “stop bringing shit. There’s seriously no room in here. When he gets a bigger room or goes home, bring anything you like but I can’t breathe in here.”_

“Fucked up, right? I should be allowed to spoil you as I please.”

Jiang flicked a glance between the two of them, then to Mr. Kavinsky before taking a breath and asking “Why…are you two acting like…”

“Like?” Joseph asked, genuinely curious as he sipped his juice.

“Like…like everything is chill? Totally gouda? Like you didn’t smash his heart into millions of pieces? Like he’s your damn bae?”

This guy always had to make issues. _Always_. Joseph and Finlay shared a looked before Joseph turned back to Jiang. “Everything is chill. We already made up and moved on. What’s it your shit?”

Looking particularly annoyed which only annoyed Finlay because this idiot always just had to stick his nose in, Jiang said “Because either he’s your bae or he ain’t. Don’t drag him along if you don’t plan on keeping him the way he deserves.”

“How hard is it to be so stupid?” Joseph snorted, setting his juice back on the stand. “Being that I did not die as planned, it means I’m supposed to go with my secondary plan. See, my plan was like 99 percent full proof, man.”

“Thankfully, that one percent won out,” Mr. Kavinsky muttered, mostly to himself.

“Funny, I thought I heard something.” Joseph made a show of cupping his good ear and ‘listening’ for more. “No? The bug must’ve realized that no one wanted to listen.”

Admittedly, Finlay had been seriously curious about shit between Joseph and his father now that Joseph was awake.

“My secondary plan is .00000001 fool proof and was never meant to go into play. But as _Lord_ Kavinsky muttered, the one percent won meaning I have to go with plan numero dos.”

“Does this speech have a point,” Jiang sighed, bored but no less angry for Finlay.

“Yes. I’m supposed to do something for myself. There was freedom to which reality slapped my hand and said no and there was loving a boy.” Joseph through his hand out in Finlay’s direction. “The boy.”

“Elaborate.”

Sighing like ‘such idiots,’ Joseph said tiredly “I plan on keeping him, dumbass.”

Finlay stared at Joseph in confusion. Keeping him? Keeping who? Keeping Finlay?

Wait, what?


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.com)
> 
> I both love and hate art. We have a complicated relationship
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> _“Don’t be ridiculous, you were snorting in your sleep.”_

“Keeping me?” Swan literally squeaked, a hand on his heart.

Xia wanted to laugh but he knew this moment was totally too cereal for that. But a big dude like Swan should not be able to squeak like that.

Kavinsky actually looked embarrassed, blushing even, as he turned to look at Swan. “I mean…if…you’re, like, still…um…”

“If you’re still down for that,” Mr. Kavinsky finished with a sigh and an eye roll. “My kid used to have game and now he’s stuttering mess. Sigh.”

“Maybe he’d have better game with dudes if you weren’t his dumbass father,” Xia snapped, making everyone’s eyes turn to him. It was uncomfortable to have such blank and yet somehow dangerous eyes on him, but Xia wasn’t keeping his mouth shut about this one. “Maybe if you weren’t such a piece of shit-”

“Jiang,” Kavinsky interrupted, his voice stern, which kind of pissed Xia off because he shouldn’t be defending his garbage dad. “Stop.”

“Am I wrong though?”

“No but stop.”

Clenching his jaw, Xia waited until he was sure he could keep his anger in before letting out a breath. “Fine. But if you need to kick his ass, lemme know. Me and Swan will do you some hella justice.”

Amusement and…was that…affection? glittered in Kavinsky’s eyes. The scary part was that the exact same look was reflected in K’s dad’s eyes too. “Will do. Now, lemme see what you got me. Gimme.”

_Xia walked into Isha’s room, looking for some cuddles because he just wasn’t sure what the fuck was life anymore. He felt like his heart was ripping into pieces from guilt._

_He should’ve noticed the signs. He should’ve, dammit. But no, instead of realizing that Kavinsky was telling them goodbye, he was just busy being a dumbass. Now his buddy was unconscious in the fucking hospital with burns all over his body. Xia was too afraid to even go see him from his guilt. Hell, Swan was too afraid to go and he loved K more than anyone._

_That dumbass._

_“Hey,” Xia sighed as he trudged over to his boyfriend’s bed. His bae was in fact sitting there but he neither scooted nor said hello back. Did he blame him too? Isha didn’t really know Kavinsky and they’d only met a few times but….Isha was that kind of guy who wanted the best for everyone. Even he had been upset with K’s suicide news._

_Besides for their crew and Isha, it seemed like no one even gave a damn._

_That was just wrong. They came to K’s parties, used him, but when something happened, they’d just whisper that he deserved it. And okay, maybe he was a bad guy sometimes but he wasn’t always. You just had to dig a little deeper to find the good parts of Kavinsky._

_No one ever seemed to want to put the effort though. They just wanted Kavinsky’s name and his shit._

_“These colors nice?” Isha asked in his soft voice that Xia absolutely adored._

_“Colors?” he mumbled, rolling onto the bed before actually focusing on his bae and what he was doing. “You knitting? I didn’t know you can knit?”_

_He hadn’t and it was cute as fuck that his boyfriend liked to knit._

_“Xia,” Isha laughed, still focused on whatever the thing in his lap was, “this isn’t knitting. It’s crochet, dummy.” He held up the silver hook in his hand, “This is a crochet hook, not a knitting needle.”_

_Crochet was cute as fuck too._

_Rubbing the soft yarn between his fingers, Xia asked “What’re you making?”_

Handing over the bag while feeling his face heating because he really hoped it wasn’t a stupid gift, Xia explained “It’s from me and Isha. Um, you can probs tell who did what.”

Xia would never be able to crochet in this life or the next. But…he liked to think he had some pretty badass artistic skill and the guys had told him that before so he decided to trust his hands. He went for sentimental instead of material gifts and he hoped K would love them.

Taking the bag with a curious look, Kavinsky set it on his lap and was about to use both hands before he remembered and set his right arm down with a tired sigh. “This is going to get annoying as fuck.”

“Think of it like when your arm broke,” Mr. K said, drawing up a leg and resting his arm on his knee. “If anything, this is better at least because it’s your right.”

“I probably look like a fucking lizard under here,” Kavinsky muttered, lifting up his burned arm and squinting at the bandages like he could see through them. Turning to Swan, he asked, almost…fearfully even “Will you still love me if I’m ugly?”

“Don’t be a fucking idiot,” Swan practically snapped, looking pissed as hell as he crossed his arms. “I’ve told you a million times I find you beautiful and that’s not changing from some stupid ass burns.”

“Wow, beautiful,” Xia couldn’t help but laugh, “Cheeeeesy.”

They both completely ignored him. Which was rude, thank you. “You say that now but you don’t what I look like under here. I don’t even know. But I know what third degree burns look like and its gross and off-putting. Nothing beautiful there, Finlay.”

Now Swan was seriously looking mad as fuck and maybe it was because K said he wanted him and now here he was questioning his love. That’d piss Xia off too. “I actually searched up third degree burns for your damn information and if you actually think I’m superficial enough to not want you over something so ridiculous, then you’re a damn fool who doesn’t know me.”

Xia couldn’t see Kavinsky’s expression – only the back of his head – but K tilted his head like he was considering the words before shrugging nonchalantly. “Just checking.”

Fuck, he was testing him.

Damn.

He started choking on the laughter he was holding in, to the point where it became painful and he just had to let it out. Swan didn’t look happy at all but K and his dad just looked amused like they wanted to join in on the laughs. “I mean, damn, I’m whipped, but he’s got you wrapped around his damn pinky!”

“You’re not funny,” Swan muttered darkly, not meeting anyone’s eyes. “Fuck all of you.”

With a smile and a new light to his eyes, Kavinsky turned back to the bag in his lap. “Chill, FinFin. It’s all some fun, bae. Now let’s see…” Sticking his hand in, he made a curious noise and pulled out Xia’s half of the gift first, holding up the frame to get a good look at it. “Damn, Jiang, you made this for me?”

Kavinsky actually looked…impressed. Enraptured even. The only times Xia had seen that look was when it came to cars.

“I, uh, figured, making something would be better than buying, y’know? What do you think?”

Still making starry eyes at Xia’s attempt at the First Age map of Lord of the Rings – his understanding of this all was minimal but he’d googled plenty – Kavinsky whispered in awe “I love it.” He shot a glance at his father for a moment, indecisiveness written all over him, before he must’ve made some decision. Biting his lip, he flipped the map around and showed Mr. Kavinsky. “Check it. First Age Arda. Cool or what?”

Mr. Kavinsky just looked happy to even be spoken too as he reached over Swan and took the framed map. He flicked a quick glance to Xia, “You made this?”

“Yeah, the dude’s a fucking nerd for this shit.”

K slung a thumb at his father. “Got it from him.”

“It’s beautiful,” Mr. Kavinsky said, setting the frame up beside Swan’s roses. “Nicely done.”

This man’s compliments meant nothing to him and yet he could feel himself beaming. Refusing to give the asshole that benefit, he was about to poke Kavinsky before he remembered he couldn’t.

It was going to take some getting used to.

“The other thing is from Isha.”

“He got me a gift?” Kavinsky murmured in surprise, sticking his hand back in. “That was nice of him. I don’t think we’ve ever said more than ten words to each other.”

“My bae’s a sweet one, man. Also, I’m supposed to find a way to say that we’re happy you’re not dead, sensitively, but I forgo all sensitive shit. We’re just happy you’re not dead.”

“Eh,” Kavinsky snorted, pulling out Isha’s gift as Xia took the bag off his lap and set it on the floor. He’d need room to properly open it up. “Is this…” Kavinsky unfolded and unfolded and unfolded until the entire blanket was open on him. Rubbing the soft blanket that was shades of blue, he whispered “This is for me? I…I don’t deserve this.”

Xia raised a brow. “Why not? Don’t be ridiculous.”

Biting his lip as he continued rubbing the blanket, Kavinsky repeated “I don’t deserve this.” He kept rubbing his hand on all the parts he could reach of the large blanket the went from his waist to his feet. “This…this must’ve taken days. I mean, I just,” he shook his head, looking almost miserable which definitely hadn’t been what Isha had been going for. “This is something special and I don’t deserve special.”

“Yo, man, if you reject his gift, I swear, I will hit you. Swan will probably hit me afterwards but I’ll still do it. He spent four days on that bitch, nonstop, so if you-”

“Why didn’t he come with you?”

“Huh?”

Looking up from the blanket, Kavinsky asked again “Why didn’t he come with you? He spent all this time on something so beautiful you’d think he’d want to give it to me himself. How am I supposed to properly thank him for something like this?” Tapping his chest with two fingers, Kavinsky said “I’m fucking bullshit. The lowest of the lowest of the lowest trash to exist.” It was like he knew Swan was about to interrupt because without even looking at him, he snapped his fingers his way to shut him up. “I’m a horrible human being. Horrible human beings don’t deserve special things like this.”

Just because he’d lived, didn’t mean K was all about living apparently. “Yo, you’re an asshole, for sure, no away around that one. You’re Jersey trash, also no way around that one.”

“You’re not helping,” Swan muttered, giving Xia a death glare.

“Lemme finish. And while you are a trashy asshole, no dirty joke intended, I don’t and never have considered you a bad person.” Kavinsky snorted so loud, anyone outside the door could’ve heard it. It looked like he wanted to cross his arms but couldn’t find a way to manage it. “I’m not a dude who blows up egos but…you’re one of the best people I’ve ever met.”

Kavinsky was far from appreciative of the words. “How fucking delusional are you exactly?”

“You’re generous, you secretly give a damn about people and find ways to make them feel better without actually making it look like you are, if there was a dying squirrel in the fucking road, you legit stop, pick it up, and sit with until it dies-”

It’d been gross as fuck but Kavinsky said they were going nowhere until the squirrel passed with company around it.

“-and, sadly, I find you funny even though I shouldn’t admit that.” There was a twitch of a smile on K’s face as Xia finished his speech. “Look, man, you’ve got a low opinion about yourself, mostly because of that asshole sitting over there, but you shouldn’t because honestly you’re a good person. It’s just…we gotta dig _really_ deep in there to find it. You think Swan would actually want you so bad if you were a horrible person?”

If anything was to get through to Kavinsky, it was apparently that last line, as he turned and glanced at his…bae? Xia wasn’t exactly sure if they were ‘official’ but they sure were something. “Dunno, maybe he’s stupid.”

“Wow,” Swan snorted, rolling his eyes and shaking his head. “Gee, thanks. I don’t drag my ass here every day and sit with your scary ass dad for nothin’, man.”

“Scary ass?” Mr. Kavinsky murmured, the only reaction showing that he’d been paying attention this whole time.

“Isha made you a blanket because he wants you to be comfortable and…” Swan looked like he was wracking his brain for something “just, fucking comfortable, okay? If he didn’t you think you deserved it, he wouldn’t have spent hours making it for you.”

Gazing back down at the blanket and rubbing it like it was the most precious thing in the world, Kavinsky sighed before resting back into his pillow and closing his eyes. “I think I want to sleep now.”

Both Xia and Swan knew this for what it was. He was throwing them out because he didn’t know how to deal. “Cool, sleep. We’ll sit.”

Even with his eyes closed, there was a flicker of annoyance evident on his face. “I’m trying to be polite here.”

“Fuck, polite,” Xia snorted, plopping down into the worst chair in the world. “Go ahead, sleep. We ain’t moving unless you throw a screaming fit. And honestly, even then, we probably won’t move either. We’ve seen your fits. Nothing new.”

“Amen,” Swan laughed, placing his hands back so he can lean on them before he literally bolted into the air. Both Xia and K stared at him and waited. Blushing and glancing at Kavinsky’s dad who was as confused as everyone else, he scratched his head and said “Uh, my bad.”

Mr. Kavinsky’s eyes narrowed in confusion with his mouth somehow curling both up and down. “For…?”

Blushing to the point where his eyes looked like they could blush too, Swan mumbled while flailing a hand around in random ass movements. “I, uh, brushed, uh…uh…”

“Please tell me you aren’t having a panic attack just because you touched me.”

Swan’s eyes went wide.

“Oh my God,” Mr. Kavinsky said in to his hands before he started…laughing. This scary ass dude was _laughing_. Which, sure, Xia was sure mobsters could laugh and all but this…

It was so weird.

Fuck.

“Yo, man, yous a mobster, yeah?”

Peeking between his fingers while finishing the last of his laughs while Swan sat on the very edge of the cot, Mr. K replied “Did you just ‘yo’ me? The fuck? What are you, seventeen?”

“Didn’t think you have morals or anything,” Xia said with a shrug, trying to feign nonchalance because this man did in fact scare him. He totally got what Swan felt now. Just Mr. Kavinsky’s voice was kind of…foreboding. Deep like a Bond villain type of sound. “But I can say ‘yo mister’ instead of ‘man’ if you’d like. Mobsters like manners, don’t they? It’s pretty hard to come by manners with me.”

“That’s apparent.” Xia just shrugged again. He had a bed and K between them so he felt safe. Resting his chin on his hand, Mr. Kavinsky said “I don’t think I’ve gotten your name.”

“Xia.” He pointed at Kavinsky, “Met this asshole in the fight circle. I won.”

Kavinsky rolled his eyes. Maybe it was because he’d been in a hospital for a week, going from unconscious to conscious, maybe it was the bandages, but it was something and that something made Kavinsky’s face seem smaller than ever. Thinner. Paler. Like his eyes were lost in the sockets. “It was an unfair fight and you know it.”

He paused and glanced at the door when there was a knock and a woman stuck her head in. “I’m here to change bandages. Joseph Kavinsky?”

“Yeah, that’s him,” Mr. Kavinsky answered, suddenly a thousand times serious, examining the woman’s every step as she walked in. Xia hoped to never be on the end of that gaze. He stood beside the bed, across from Xia, and stuck out his hand. “Ivo Kavinsky.”

“Lacey,” she replied, taking his hand. She was younger, probably fresh out of school, and it was rude but Xia was worried about her capabilities with her being so green. “Pleasure to meet you.” She smiled at K, “Can I call you Joseph?”

“Uh, I guess. It’d be weird if you called me Tim or something, don’t you think?”

The nurse laughed as she prepped her supplies on the small rolling tray she’d brought with her. “Humor is good for recovery. Make sure you keep it. Now, I heard you woke up a little while ago?” Kavinsky nodded. “Okay, so, I need to get a few things out of the way. First, do you want everyone here to stay?”

Kavinsky looked at her in confusion, one eyebrow going up and the other down. “Do they need to leave?”

Lacey gave him a patient smile. “This will be your first time seeing the burns. It’s a little rough for some people and some aren’t comfortable with other’s seeing them. What makes you comfortable?”

Xia didn’t know about K but he was suddenly uncomfortable. He wasn’t squeamish by any means but…seeing his buddy’s burns from trying to kill himself?

He wished he was sitting on Swan’s side instead of the burned side.

“Oh…um…” Kavinsky looked down at his arm, biting his lip. Before, he’d talk big game by making fun of himself but Xia knew that being suddenly faced with it was a whole other thing. “I…I, um…um…”

Seeing Kavinsky scared wasn’t something he liked. Nor was it something Swan seemed to like as he squeezed in beside Mr. Kavinsky and softly rested his hand on K’s. Mr. Kavinsky’s eyes tracked the movement and Xia remembered that this man was a trash ignorant fuck. He didn’t look bothered but… “Me and Jiang can wait outside, alright? Until you see and get comfortable and then we’ll worry about it. No pressure, okay?”

Looking at Swan with an expression Xia wished he could see, Kavinsky nodded slowly. “Yeah, that’d…that’d…um…be best, I think.”

Thank God. Xia wasn’t sure he wouldn’t cringe at seeing the burns. Who knew how bad it was under there. “We’ll be right outside then. You want anything? We can sneak in some crap food if you want us too.”

K shook his head, not meeting anyone’s eyes, and returning his focus to his arm.

Hopefully…it wasn’t too much of a shock down there.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Hola, kids. I know I said Emilio's would start up again in Dec (obvs it didn't) but we're looking more at February now. Stay tuned for my boy. I also still owe Snapshots, don't worry, I didn't forget
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> _“You like my smile. And that’s facts.”_

Watching as the nurse took out her various tools and bandages after his buddies walked out, Joseph suddenly felt like he wanted to throw up. What if he looked disgusting? He’d been joking about it before but what if he seriously was some leathery gross thing under there?

Finlay wouldn’t want some nasty ass lizard.

Gnawing on his lip, Joseph hated the fact that his mother wasn’t here and his fear left him with the only option around. Glancing up at his father who was very closely watching the nurse’s every move, Joseph whispered in Bulgarian “Is…is it…is it really…bad? Like…nasty?”

His father looked down at him, only pure affection in his eyes that Joseph hadn’t seen in years. Affection that he’d been craving for years.

Affection that had died with him back in Jersey.

Slipping his hand into Joseph’s, his father held it tight and replied back in their tongue “Nasty? No. Tough to take in the first time? Yeah. It’s okay if you can’t look the first time and keep in mind that it’ll get better. They’re still fresh.”

Joseph didn’t feel much better but there was nothing he could do about it. Lacey gave him a smile, a pair of shiny scissors in her gloved hands. “Where do you want me to start?”

Where? How the fuck should he know? “Um…” he murmured as he glanced down at himself. The worst of it was his arm, he knew that, so… “My…foot? My foot, I think.” Had to be decent all the way over there, right? Couldn’t be too bad down there.

“Okay,” Lacey said with a nod as she scooted down the bed and pulled the blankets back. It was his first time actually looking at anything besides his bandaged arm but he noted that his toes didn’t have to be bandaged so that was good, wasn’t it? “This is a beautiful blanket you have,” Lacey admired as she began cutting the bandage with careful hands.

“My…” Joseph scrounged his brain on what to call Jiang before he just had to admit to himself, “friend’s boyfriend made it for me.”

Isha had made him a blanket. An entire fucking blanket. Joseph still didn’t feel like he deserved something so thoughtful and beautiful. Sure, he’d never been mean to Isha – Jiang would’ve kicked his ass – but he’d never been anything more than decently polite. And yet, Isha still had put the extreme time and effort to make him this.

Joseph would have to think of a really good way to thank him.

“Hey,” Joseph said in surprise at seeing his foot. He wished he could lean closer without it hurting his side. “That actually looks okay.” His foot was blotchy with burns but none of them looked serious. They were like something his mother had gotten in the kitchen before. Joseph wiggled his toes in this weird giddiness he was feeling. His foot was the least of his injuries, he knew that, but it still made him feel okay for what was coming.

“It’s looking great actually,” Lacey replied, cleaning his foot with wet gauze before very carefully patting it dry. “No swelling or blisters. Perfect.”

Watching her rewrap his foot and systematically working her way up his leg, Joseph froze when she began to untie his gown. Lacey must have noticed because she paused and explained “You have burns along your pelvis and side that I have to clean.”

Burns along his pelvis. In the back of his mind, Joseph had more or less understood that he was burned all the way down and that his mother had made sure all his nurses were women because he would never handle a man touching him…all over. He’d understood that. It was just…having her trying to undress him and…touch him didn’t sit well with him.

At all.

Joseph knew that someone had to have been doing it but he’d been unconscious then so he hadn’t felt it. “Oh. Um…um…”

Joseph had no idea what to do.

An arm stretched around him and suddenly it was his father’s hands untying the gown but he didn’t touch the tie around his neck and instead leaned Joseph forward just a bit and untied the next one down. Almost methodically like he’d been doing this for years, his father rested Joseph back down and lifted the gown back only along his burns on his hips. It was like a little window to another world, leaving no room for any other viewing. “This is how we do it with Sandy.”

Lacey seemed confused but she nodded and began removing the bandages. Once they were off, Joseph stared at the burn stretching from the edge of his hip almost to his middle, just under his belly button and stretching to the top of his pubic area.

Humor. Lacey said humor was good for this shit. “Well, lots of dudes wax their happy trail anyways.”

With a laugh, Lacey was more careful with cleaning this burn and thank God she was because even with the drugs in him, he could feel the pain every time she touched it. There were a few blisters here and there, almost like…goosebumps on steroids, surrounded by enflamed skin so red it gave cherries a run for their money. Some patches were darker, cracking in appearance while other were bright red but smooth.

It looked gross. Joseph wasn’t sure he even wanted to know what his arm looked like now.

Lacey worked with a quiet focus as she cleaned the burns, checked the blisters, and rebandaged the area. She moved up his side at a meager pace with his father holding back parts of the gown as they worked their way up. Just the fact that even when he’d been out they’d made sure to do this for him…

His parents were…pretty amazing people. On a good day.

The burns along his ribs were as bad, if not worse, as the ones along his pelvis. Some blisters were bigger, angry and pus-filled, while some were smaller but in higher quantities. He looked like a…moderately charred piece of meat and, well, he was getting more scared by the second on seeing the disgustingness of his arm. There were a few…distinctly worse patches than others and Joseph had a feeling that was closer to how his arm was going to look.

Right about now, he wanted his mother because those particular patches looked like charred meat for sure. His skin was black and what appeared to be bloodied but he knew that it was the actual meat of his arm, appearing both wet and dry at the same time. Lacey changed her gloves to a fresh pair and slid a finger along one of the patches. “Can you feel that?”

Joseph wanted his mother. Joseph wanted his mother here with him to hold his hand and tell him that she’d make everything better like she always did. But no, she’d stepped out with Gwen, neither of them telling him what they were stepping out for and not returning from. Joseph wanted his mother to be here as he tried to stop himself from panicking about the fact that he could barely even feel Lacey’s finger running along his skin. It should hurt. He should feel _something._

All he felt was something like a vague whisper of a feather. It scared him. It scared him because he knew his arm was in worse condition than that patch of skin. What if his arm never worked again? What if it just became some useless limb attached to him?

“Can you feel that, Joseph?”

Biting his quivering lip, Joseph whispered “Can we wait until my mom comes back?”

From the sudden tension in his father’s hands as he held back the gown, Joseph knew that he was hurt by the question. Like he wasn’t good enough to be here, that him being here made no difference to Joseph, or that he was just that irrelevant to him. The irony of it all was that none of that was true. Joseph did in fact appreciate having his father standing beside him, watching the nurse work with a critical eye. But for the past four years, his mother had been his everything, not his father. She was the one who’d made sure that Joseph had, well, lasted as long as he has.

It wasn’t that his father didn’t matter and it wasn’t that Joseph wanted him to go away, but right at this moment, he needed his mother here too.

Lacey gave him a patient smile that didn’t reach her dark eyes. “I’m on a bit of a tight schedule-”

“Well, can’t you go and come back?” He couldn’t face his arm without his mother being here. No way. “Nothing’s going to change if you finish later.”

Giving him another one of those hideously frustrating patient smiles, Lacey must’ve realized that he wasn’t going to be easy about this. “How about this; I’ll finish checking the rest of the burns and we’ll leave your arm for last and hopefully by then, your mom is here.”

She’d just checked him from foot to ribs in five minutes. What the fuck was another couple minutes of checking his shoulder, neck, and ear going to change? “No. We’re waiting for her.” It annoyed him as she sent her patient smile to his father like she was giving him all the executive choices. Like Joseph’s word didn’t matter. “Don’t look at him; it’s not his fucking decision. I’m not some fucking ass inept-”

“Joseph,” his father cut in, trying to sound stern while still trying to not sound stern. Almost like he was afraid to be stern. It was funny, really. Looking to Lacey, he said with his own version of her patient smile “Let’s just wait a bit. She shouldn’t be long.”

Not looking particularly happy, Lacey nodded and took a seat in the chair vacated by Jiang, taking off her gloves and tossing them in the trash. While…yeah, Joseph wanted to wait for his mother, he was pretty sure that burns weren’t supposed to be left uncovered. What if he got infection from air bacteria or some shit? “You aren’t going to cover these?”

He wasn’t sure if she’d simply forgotten or not, but she sighed and smiled. “Of course. Sorry.” Putting on yet another pair of gloves, she brought them back to square one. “Can you feel my finger? I can’t cover them until we get a sense of where we’re at.”

Sighing and looking up at the ceiling, Joseph muttered “Not really.”

“Describe it for me.”

“Like…” he felt the sensation of her finger again running along the burn “you’re teasing me with a feather or some shit.” She rubbed her finger along each of the other patches and each time, Joseph told her the same answer.

The future wasn’t looking too bright for him right now. His arm had to be a wreck.

She moved on to his shoulder, then up to his neck, and then up still to his ear, completely forgoing the plan they were supposed to adhere to. Joseph was too worried about facing his arm to give her shit for it though.

Maybe in his foolproof plan, he should’ve taken into account what might happen if he did in fact live through his attempt.

Lacey moved to cut the bandages off his arm. “Alright-”

“My mom’s not here yet.”

“Joseph,” Lacey sighed as if they were even friends for her to sigh at him like that, “I really-”

“No, I want my mom. No compromises.” When she turned to look at his father yet again, Joseph ignored the pain anger would bring him and snapped “Bitch, don’t look at him like he gets a say.” His father was clenching his jaw so hard that Joseph knew that he wanted to reprimand his tone and words. “We’re waiting for my mom. That’s that.”

With a look that was far less friendly than what she’d originally started with, Lacey took a deep breath and sat back down. She even crossed her arms and Joseph knew that she was over being nice to him. It was fine because he didn’t think they’d be seeing each other again anyways. “You’re as bad as people say you are.”

“Yeah, well, fuck you too.”

There was a knock at the door and Finlay stuck his head in. “Um, done? Jiang’s supposed to take Isha out but he don’t wanna go without sayin’ bye.”

If Joseph couldn’t have his mother right now, then the queen wanted his secret lover. “We’re done for the moment. You guys can come back in.”

A smile beamed on Finlay’s face, making Joseph feel better already, as he walked in with Jiang trailing behind him. “Yo, yo,” Jiang greeted, softly fist bumping Joseph’s forehead like that made any sense. “I gotta high tail it but I’ll be by tomorrow or maybe even later, alright?”

“Yeah, it’s cool. Thanks for coming and for the gifts. Oh, and make sure to bring Isha with you too.”

Jiang stared at him like he was a foreign species. “You just thanked me.”

Seriously right now? “I’m not up for that bullshit.” With his eyes going wide, Jiang’s jaw dropped like it never had before, as though he was realizing something shocking. “What,” Joseph muttered wearily.

Pointing at him, Jiang whispered “Fuck, you’re clean, aren’t you? Oh my fuck.” He looked at Finlay but kept pointing at Joseph. “He’s clean? He’s clean. Holy shit. Oh. My-”

“Okay, stop,” Joseph grumbled, wishing he could fling a pillow at Jiang’s stupid face. This guy was always-

Fuck.

Joseph was clean. He was clean?

Holy shit.

Clean. Joseph was fucking _clean._

“Oh my God,” Joseph whispered, wishing he could look in the mirror right now. “I’m clean. What. Thee. Actual. Fuck.” He pointed at himself while sharing a shocked glance with Jiang, “Fuck, dude, I’m clean.” The door opened as his mother walked in with a smile and two coffees. “Mayko, I’m clean.”

She rolled her eyes as she passed off one of the cups to his father as though he hadn’t just finished his own a moment ago. “Don’t be ridiculous, you were snorting in your sleep.”

“Is that possible?” Jiang muttered, seemingly in deep thought. “Huh…”

Finlay stared at Jiang with the rest of them until he slapped him one up top his head, making Jiang yelp in surprise. “Dumbass, she’s being sarcastic. Snort in his sleep. How fucking dense are you?”

Rubbing his head and grumbling, Jiang snorted “How the fuck should I know? Would you put it past him to find some way?”

“While I’m unconscious?”

Even Jiang knew it was stupid as he shrugged. “Yo, man, I met you, you were already getting high. This is like…monumental! Fuck, Skov is gonna freak!”

Joseph couldn’t even remember when he’d started using. He knew it’d been a stupid plan to make himself happy and in turn, make his mother happy but when…he couldn’t remember. This was going to be one hell of an experience, that was for sure. And where was Skov in all this? Joseph knew he had no love of hospitals but he hadn’t expected Jiang to come first. Really, he hadn’t expected anyone to show. Was Proko alright? Joseph had been unconscious, not dead and his father seemed fine…

Dream shit was always a curious thing. “Dunno if I want to be clean though.”

Annoyance flashed on Finlay’s face as he glared and crossed his arms. “Now you’re being the fucking dense idiot.”

“Just saying. There had to be a reason I was getting high, right? It’s not like my mental state is any better than it was.”

“We’ll make it better.”

“See? Now you’re dense.”

“Nah, nah,” Jiang interrupted with a wave of his hand, “I’m with Swan on this one. You got yourself a handsome dude now, man. Handsome dudes make everything better.”

“I still have an arm to check,” Lacey said loudly with the added effort of a huff. Joseph wished Jiang hadn’t mentioned handsome dudes in front of her. What if she went spreading around shit or something? “Can I?”

“Oh, did we clean already?” his mother asked, setting down her coffee and coming to stand beside Joseph’s bed.

“We just have the arm left.”

“Then let’s get to it.”

Jiang’s eyes went wide. “Uh, um, so I gotta go…Isha’s waiting for me. But I’ll come back. Lemme know if you want anything.”

Even if Joseph had wanted something, he wouldn’t have been able to tell him from how fast he left. It didn’t make him feel particularly good about his situation if Jiang who was badass Jiang was too afraid to peek. Looking over at Finlay, Joseph mumbled “You, uh, don’t-”

“If you want me here, then I’m staying. You don’t, then I don’t mind waiting outside. What do you want?”

What did he want? He wanted his mother to hold his hand but he wanted Finlay to hold his hand too and, well, at the moment, Joseph only had one hand for holding. His mother took priority so… “Um,” he replied, not meeting Finlay’s gorgeous eyes, “you can just…” he patted the edge of the bed beside his head on the left “just…stand…like, here.”

Finlay kept his face straight as he walked over but his eyes screamed his pleasure at being allowed to stay. He’d regret that once he saw Joseph’s arm. He knew it.

Lacey slipped on new gloves yet again as she stood, picking up her nice scissors. “Okay, let’s have a look.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> So I didn't want to go into too much detail about his arm because there's no warning tag for gore lol. I tried to find a good balance for those interested enough and those a bit squeamish. But if you're not squeamish and curious enough, just search up third degree burns to get an idea. It's as bad as it sounds, be warned
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> _“That’s not her business. I want you here.”_

His arm was bad. Vesela obviously already knew that because she’d seen it multiple times now. Ivo obviously knew that because he’d seen Joseph’s arm multiple times now too. Joseph on the other hand…

“I…I look disgusting.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Ivo muttered, looking a little hurt though Vesela wasn’t sure why. She knew that he was trying to go for the reassuring technique but he hadn’t played ‘father’ in years and his skills were shitty. Vesela had no idea what his aim was with coming but now that he was in fact here and Joseph was awake, she had a feeling that things were going to get…complicated.

_Vesela made sure Walnut had enough food to last her the day before grabbing her little duffel and slinging it over her shoulder while yanking her keys off the island and running to the door. She didn’t like when she had to leave Joseph alone, especially because she wanted to be there when he woke up, but Walnut had to be checked on. The mutt needed food, water, and not to mention the bathroom. All Vesela needed right now was to find large dog crap in the middle of her floor._

_With a shudder from the thought, she opened the front door and ran into a wall._

_A wall? She had no walls in front of- “Ivo?”_

_Ivo? No, that couldn’t be right, she had to be dreaming. In fact, these insane past two days had to be a dream. Joseph hadn’t tried to kill himself again and her not-dead husband wasn’t standing in front of her looking like a mess. Ivo didn’t do messes. Even after twelve hours straight of work or a day of fixing cars or a sex marathon, Ivo didn’t ever look like a rumpled mess of…whatever this was._

_Yup, she had to be dreaming._

_“Hi,” he said and Vesela felt like that might be a blush on his handsome but tired face. But it was too dark to properly tell. “I, uh…” he lifted the duffel bag in his hand, “I’m…I’m here. Uh, yeah.”_

_Here. He was here. Why was he here? She could feel herself stupidly staring at her dead beloved man, not quite putting together why the fuck he was here. “Why?”_

_Ivo flinched, his face looking hurt as hell. “Why? Because I came to see Joseph. He’s in the hospital. Unconscious. On his third suicide attempt. Why? To see you. To see my wife. What the fuck? Why?”_

_Vesela didn’t have time for this right now. Setting her bag onto the floor with a hard plop, she crossed her arms and replied “Ivo, he’s been in the hos-”_

_“Yeah, well maybe I’m sick of the fact that that’s norm-”_

_“It’s become normal because of you.”_

_Clamping his mouth shut with an audible click, Ivo ground his jaw back and forth before shutting his eyes and taking a deep breath, opening his piercing eyes once more. “I know. I know and a sorry will never fix things. But something else can and I want my chance to do it. I want at least the chance to try.”_

“It’s not disgusting,” Finlay agreed, and he surprisingly seemed serious. The extensive burns on Joseph’s arm didn’t even make him cringe. He looked as Finlay-ish as ever.

God did she love this boy. He was perfect for Joseph. Now she just needed to get them together.

For real.

“It’s just burns and they’ll heal and then they’ll do you skin grafts. You’ll still have scars but that’s not a big deal.”

Lord, he made it sound so easy.

Joseph’s eyes were still glued to his uncovered arm and she didn’t blame him. The first time she’d seen the entirety of his injuries, she’d gone into the bathroom and cried. Cried because healing was going to hurt him like hell and cried because he’d given her so many clues and she’d been too fucking high to even notice.

That night, she’d gone home and flushed down every drug in the house. She’d flushed everything in her room and then went into Joseph’s and searched every nook and cranny, dumping everything down into the toilet. She wasn’t going to let that be their lives anymore.

Raising their intertwined hands to her lips, she pressed a kiss on his knuckles and said softly “Baby, it’ll heal-”

“I’m not a fucking idiot!” he snapped, his head whipping around to glare at her, his hand nearly smashing her own. “Stop acting like it’s some damn scratch that just needs some Neosporin. It’s not. I can’t even feel her touching me! That’s going to heal in your mind?”

Vesela wasn’t looking at Finlay but she could feel the anger radiating off him. “Yeah, well, if you were so fucking worried about that, maybe you shouldn’t have tried to burn yourself to death.”

Wow. Okay. Even Vesela who wanted to beat some sense into Joseph once in a while wouldn’t have crossed that line.

The glare turned to Finlay, now ten times hotter. If she didn’t know that they both did in fact have feelings for one another, there was no way she’d ever be able to guess from just looking at them. “Really, fuckwad? Yeah, well, maybe if you were more than just a fucking idiot, you’d have known that the letter I gave you _hours_ before was a suicide note! And you were too stupid to even look at it!”

Where the hell was her note? She’d found the card on the island but that hadn’t been for her. It’d been _about_ her. But that was it. No way he hadn’t planned on leaving her anything.

“You made me promise not to. I don’t break my promises.”

The words meant more than what was presented to her and Ivo because a look passed between the boys, something deeper than she’d ever understand.

“You don’t get to try and twist this shit on me,” Finlay continued and Vesela had to give him points because this boy knew exactly how Joseph worked. “Tryin’ to make me feel like shit just because I’m not grossed out by your burns? See, this is your fucking problem. You get angry and then you try to make it everyone else’s fault and start sticking your damn knives in to see how much of a reaction you can get. The bigger the reaction, the better you feel. But see, I ain’t everyone. I’m not going to go home crying with my tail between my legs. I’d rather just punch you.”

Yup, this boy was perfection, swear to God.

“That’s abuse.”

“So are your words.”

They glared at each other, leaving the rest of the room watching them with an intense awkwardness that both wanted to see what was going to happen and look away in embarrassment. After a minute of silent glaring, Joseph huffed and looked like he wanted to cross his arms. “You’re fucking annoying.”

Finlay, like the rest of the room, could feel the tension diffusing with that admission. “Well, that’s how I’m going to make you love me.”

“That makes no sense.”

“Sure it does. I can’t say ‘that’s why you love me’ because you just _like_ me. I’ll make you love me.”

“By being annoying.”

“No, by being what you need and saying what you need to hear.”

“Yup,” Vesela nodded, patting Finlay on the back. “Perfect.” She pointed at Joseph, “I told you to keep him wrapped around your finger, dumbass.” Joseph blushed so red that she wanted to laugh but she needed to keep her stern face on. Finlay was a keeper and she knew it so now she had to make sure Joseph would get over himself and stop denying it. “I’ll approve no other boyfriends except this one.”

Just like she hadn’t needed to see Finlay’s face to feel his annoyance, she didn’t need to look at him to feel his joy. Joseph rolled his eyes and muttered “Don’t make his damn ego any bigger. You’re making him smile like an idiot.”

“You like my smile. And that’s facts.” She wanted to laugh because even Joseph’s stubbornness couldn’t bring him to deny it. “See? You got nothing to say. I win this argument.”

“If you’re going to keep count,” Ivo laughed, leaning against the sink, “you’re going to get nowhere.”

_“Who’s the kid?” Ivo asked once Finlay walked out. Here they were, the next day, and Vesela still couldn’t comprehend the fact that Ivo was here. Really, she wished he wasn’t and she felt horrible because of that. But Joseph was going to have it rough and she didn’t think having Ivo around was a good thing._

_Especially because she was done with the ‘I’m straight’ schtick. If she had to throw Finlay on Joseph, she was going to. This was getting ridiculous. Joseph was gay and couldn’t admit it to himself all because of the bastard sitting next to her._

_“Finlay. He did introduce himself.”_

_“No, I mean…like…are they something?”_

_Vesela knew what he was going for and deliberately ignored it. “Friends, obviously.” Obviously. She’d been so stupid to believe their lie. As if Joseph would just magically get himself a boyfriend all of the sudden. She planned on giving them both hell for it. “What would they be?”_

_Ivo sighed and set his chin in his palm. “I don’t know…something a little more? That’s two dozen roses, Vesela. That’s meaningful.”_

_“Why do you care? So you can tell him he’s going to hell? That he’s a nasty faggot?”_

_“Do you think that low of me?”_

_She couldn’t help it, Vesela laughed and it bugged Ivo. She liked that it bugged him. “You’re kidding, right? Ivo, why the hell are Joseph and I in this shithole exactly?”_

_“You guys picked this shithole.”_

_“As long as it was away from you, it didn’t matter where.”_

_Hurt reflected in his eyes. Looking away, he said softly “I already apologized to him and he accepted it. I didn’t know I had to apologize to you too.”_

_Apologized? What the hell? “What are you talking about?” As far as she knew, Joseph and Ivo hadn’t spoken since the beating but apparently, she knew nothing. “Ivo?”_

_“I apologized,” he repeated though he still wouldn’t meet her eyes. “I did two out of four. I’m going to do the third and fourth once he’s awake.”_

_She had no idea what he was going on about but he sure seemed sure of himself. If they in fact had spoken before…well, that was good. And kind of bad. It meant no matter what happened, Joseph was like Vesela and didn’t know how to stand firm against this man. But who’s fault was that? Hers, obviously. “Then…then I hope those two work out.”_

_Ivo finally met her eyes, looking more sure of himself than ever before as he nodded. “It will. If it’s still the requirement he wanted. I’m…I think I’m finally ready.” Vesela’s heart stopped beating because this couldn’t be what she thought it was. “I’ve…done a lot, lemme tell you, a lot of thinking, and…” he took a deep breath, “and if Joseph finds that a guy is what he needs then…I’m okay with that.” He nodded, looking down at the floor, “I’m okay with that.”_

Joseph gave his father an odd look but his eyes darted back to Lacey, causing him to keep his thoughts to himself. Looking at Lacey, of course, brought his attention back to his arm. From half his hand all the way up to past his elbow, his arm was so brown it was practically black from charring. Patches of broken skin revealed deeper wounds, wet and waxy but yet somehow, dry and brittle as anything else. Raised ruined skin wrapped itself around his arm and Vesela knew from feeling them, even with gloves on, that they felt almost like leather roping itself around him.

It was going to be a long hard road but she’d get him through this if it killed her.

Past the severity of that burn was the rest of the burns, less severe but far more painful because the nerves weren’t damaged. Blisters gave his hand an almost diseased look, sickly yellow pockets of fluid everywhere but his fingers. There were blisters on his upper arm as well but these were fewer, the skin up there more of an angry red rather than a charred red-brown.

She’d get him through this.

“Tell me if you feel anything,” Lacey murmured as she slid a gloved finger down Joseph’s arm, watching him carefully. Joseph stayed silent but he shook his head. They hadn’t expected him to have feeling in his arm but it still caused her chest to tighten having the confirmation. “Move your fingers for me.” Joseph wiggled his fingers. “Good. Now nice and easy, bend your elbow.”

Running his bottom lip between his teeth as he stared at his arm, Joseph let out a slow but heavy sigh before trying to move his arm. It was mobile but as his skin healed, it’d tighten over the joint. She hadn’t had the chance to explain all this to him yet- “I can’t.”

Like hell he couldn’t. “You can.”

“It. Hurts.”

Vesela hated that she didn’t have the patience she would have wanted for when he first woke up but hers had run out on Ivo. “Joseph, if you don’t move that arm, they’re going to have to cut it off.”

Not entirely true but not entirely a lie either.

Finlay seemed a little skeptical but she could tell that he didn’t want to say anything just in case his skepticism was wrong. Ivo gave her a look before saying to Joseph “Just start slow. Bend in, then bend out.”

“What part of it hurts do you not get?” Now Ivo’s patience looked like it was running a little thin as he rolled his eyes. “Wow, haven’t missed that,” Joseph snorted, more or less pouting to the point where Vesela just wanted to slap him.

Yeah, she was horrible, she knew. Leave her be right now.

“It’s going to hurt all the way until you get moving again. It’s going to hurt after you get moving. It’s probably going to hurt all your life. But until the day comes where you become a cripple like Yulian, you cannot complain because at least you will have the privilege of moving as you please.”

Shame crossed Joseph’s face, his pout drooping and his fire dispersing. Using his good hand, he rubbed his leg as if thinking of his uncle before mumbling “Sorry.”

“Move your arm.”

With a deep sigh, Joseph looked at his arm before moving it so slow that a turtle was probably faster. But he moved it, bent it in, then out, no matter how slow. A few cries of pain escaped his chapped lips but he did a few reps of bending before setting it back down on the pillow. Looking at Lacey, he asked “Good?”

“Great, actually,” she replied with a nod. She began ever so carefully cleaning his arm as she continued. “We’ve been keeping your arm moving while you were unconscious but now that you’re awake, you’ll be able to do some exercises with the PT. He’ll probably want to get you up and moving too, just to make sure you keep the blood flowing.”

“He?” Joseph whispered, giving Vesela a darting glance.

They couldn’t avoid every single male personnel in the hospital and yet Vesela was going through so many hoops to make sure they did just that. “I’ll take care of it.”

_“She’s one of the best,” Gwen called as she walked off, leaving Vesela with a folder that technically she shouldn’t have. But Gwen cared for Joseph just about as much as Vesela did so they were pulling all the stops to get him better._

_For real, this time._

_“One of the best, huh?” She read the papers as she walked back to Joseph’s room, nearly walking into the door before remembering that she did indeed need to open it._

_“What’s that?” Ivo asked from where he was stretched out on the cot, reading a book. “Medical records?”_

_“A personnel file.”_

_“Pretty sure you’re not supposed to see those.”_

_“No,” she agreed, sitting down beside her husband’s side, “but I need the best and Gwen assured me she’s the best. I need to make sure.”_

_With a yawn and a stretch, Ivo closed his book and sat up, setting his chin on her shoulder. She tried not to think about how natural it felt or the fact that this was in fact a dead man. From her child’s brain. Did Ivo even know? “Therapist?”_

_“I’m not going to take his assurances anymore,” Vesela explained, flipping the paper over. “He’s not going to get out of his damn hole until he gets help. I’m being proactive about it this time. He’s going to be pissed but I don’t care.”_

_Ivo sneaked a hand around her and grabbed a loose sheet. She waited._

_And waited a little more._

_Finally, he whispered “I see…sexual assaults are her specialty.”_

_“Yup.”_

_“He’s not going to be happy.”_

_Nope. Joseph was going to have a fit. But she was used to his fits by now. She was done leaving his life in his hands. He needed help and she was going to shove it down his throat. “Technically, he’s not happy now anyways. This woman is going to get him to open up and he’s going to.”_

_“You realize we probably need to threaten him with something.”_

_Vesela had already thought about that one. “Oh, I know. I’m going to talk to Finlay and he’s going to deny Joseph all affectionate things.”_

_“That’s…harsh.”_

_“Joseph needs a little harshness right now. It sounds counterproductive but trust me on this one.”_

Once Lacey was finished and gone, Vesela tapped her boy’s temple to get his attention. “Listen up, I’m going to speak and you’re not going to interrupt. Got it?”

Joseph eyed her warily. “I guess.”

“Starting tomorrow, besides for your physical therapist, you’ll also be having Dr. Cho coming in.” Joseph raised a brow but kept his mouth shut. “Dr. Cho is a therapist-”

“Aw, fuck no,” he cut in, shaking his head with such vehemence she was actually worried he’d get a headache. “Not happening.”

“Not your choice. She’s-”

“No.”

Finlay, who she hadn’t had the chance to talk to yet, set his hand on Joseph’s and said “I think it’s a good idea.”

“I think you’re an idiot.”

“Likewise. It’ll be good for you, Joseph.”

“No.” Joseph shot daggers from Finlay to her, his eyes furious. “Not happening.”

“Dr. Cho is the best in this hospital for all things mental health-”

“No.”

“-and assault.”

Joseph stopped breathing, his eyes going wide.

“She’s going to be one of your lifelines, sweetheart. You’ve got me, you’ve got your bashtá, and you’ve got Finlay. Adding one more is a good thing.” Putting her hand on top of the boys’ intertwined ones, she said softly “Joseph, baby, I’m getting you out of this hole if it kills me. You’re going to get better, you’re going to finish school, you’re going to become that engineering veterinarian that you always wanted, and you’re going to have a beautiful life. And give me some grandkids.” That earned her the tiniest smile; a little twitch of the lips. “You can get those things but you can get them better with some help. You need help, sweetheart.”

He looked angry, frustrated, but even then, he looked like he was thinking, his eyes darting between her and Finlay. They even found their way over to Ivo, considering them each with a careful gaze. “What if…” he trailed, his voice so low that they all leaned in to listen, “what if I don’t know how to get better? What if I do a bad job? Or I get better but then I fail again? Or-”

“Hey,” she whispered, carefully cupping his face so he couldn’t turn away, “don’t tear yourself down before we even try. It’s going to be hard, it’s going to hurt, it’s going to make you angry and upset and sad and every other emotion that exists, and it could very well take a long time. But that’s not failure, Joseph, that’s progress. It’s going from crawling to walking and even if you fall, that’s okay because we’re all going to help you get back up.”

Joseph was scared, she could see it all over his face. His eyes were wide, vulnerable and full of tears, as he gnawed on his lip. He was afraid to try, yeah, but she knew he was more afraid that he’d fail. That he’d disappoint. “What if…what if I fall a lot?”

“Then we pick you up every time.”

“Even if I punch you while you’re picking me up?”

Vesela laughed, pressing a kiss to the uninjured side of his head. “Yes.”

“Well, what if I don’t like this Dr. Cho?”

“Then we find you someone else.”

“What if I…” he looked like he was wracking his brain for something, “what if…I’m…I’m…,” Joseph bit down on his lip and flicked a quick glance at Finlay, “what if I’m…not ready to…to talk about…um…y’know…”

That was the first and most admittance she’d ever gotten about his rape. It hurt but it also made her smile. He was admitting it. He was admitting it and it was the first proof that she needed to finally be sure that maybe…maybe he was finally ready. She didn’t know if it was because Ivo had come or because Finlay was in love with him or even because she was clean but something had made Joseph curious enough to want to try.

They’d just have to keep him curious now.

No pressure.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Emilio's story should be coming back within the next week or two! Also Snapshots soon!
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> _“Maybe I just like trying to kill myself.”_

“Okay, but what if I don’t like this Cho lady?”

Four hours later and they were still where they were.

Ivo had to hand it to Joseph, under all that anger, cursing, growing up, tattoos, and, yes, piercings, he was still exactly the same kid. A little squinting was required but his brat was in fact still his brat.

Who would’ve thought.

At least he looked mildly decent without the jewelry in. Ivo wasn’t excited for the day that Joseph would put them back in.

Vesela, who looked like she was about ready to murder Joseph any second now, sighed while turning the page of her magazine. “Then we’ll find another-”

“Well, what if I don’t like the next one either?”

“Then we try yet another and another and another.”

Joseph stared at his mother, mouth twisting in thought. He was probably wondering just how hard to push her. “Okay, but-”

“Joseph.”

He dampened just a bit, his finger playing with the edge of his new blanket. “But, mayko, what if I really don’t like her? Like seriously.”

She flipped another page, not even sparing Joseph and his pouting the tiniest of glances. His wife had hardened over the years and Ivo wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not. He was surprised by how tough she was being on Joseph at such a vital time.

But maybe that was what he needed?

“You have to give her week.”

“A week? The fuck? I can tell within the first fucking five minutes if she’s a bitch or not. Why do I have to wait a week?”

His kid’s attitude bothered him a lot.

Attempting to cross his arms but changing his mind, Joseph added with a grumble “Anyways, I’m an adult. Why do you get to make these choices?”

“You’ve been an adult all of a month,” Vesela snorted, crossing one leg atop the other and flipping another page. “Doesn’t seem like you’re doing much of a good job at it.”

“Low.”

Shutting her magazine and tossing it onto Ivo where they sat side by side on the cot, Vesela crossed her arms while looking particularly stern. “You have to give the therapist a week.” Joseph opened his mouth but she cut him off before he had the chance. “And if you don’t, no more Finlay.”

Joseph looked taken aback with confusion written all over. Him biting his lip was the only thing that showed that he was bothered by this. “What’s that supposed to mean.”

“It means you give this therapist a good chance or no. Finlay. He can still come every day but he sits like a friend. No hand holding, no smiles, no sweet talking, no flowers, no Beanie babies. Nothing past friends. You can’t have a healthy relationship with him anyways until you get out of your hole.”

Ivo wanted to laugh at the disturbed look on Joseph. His son did seem to have feelings for Finlay but Ivo didn’t think they were anything near what Finlay felt for Joseph. But then, he had no doubt that those feelings could easily grow. “Who says you get to decide that?”

Vesela tilted her chin up in challenge. “You want Finlay? You have to earn him.”

“That’s not fair. You can’t decide that.”

“I can and I will and I did.” She picked up her magazine once more, returning to her reading. “Finlay wants to give you his all and he deserves for you to do the same. You can’t when you don’t want to help yourself by getting help. I won’t let you drag him along for your suicide ride.”

“Rude.”

“I don’t care.”

“You’re being mean. I thought you wanted me with a boy?”

“Your manipulation technique sucks when you’re half dead.”

Joseph’s pouting lip dropped so low that it was like his lips had doubled in size. “But…” his gaze drifted down to his blanket, his hand rubbing along the soft yarn “but I want Finlay.”

_“Why only a two hour relationship?”_

_Finlay glanced across the bed from the evil chair of death to where Ivo was stretched out on the cot. Like the rest of them, he was waiting eagerly for Joseph to wake up properly. He’d sit there quietly watching Joseph or talk to Vesela._

_He never seemed to want to talk to Ivo._

_“You ask a lot of questions.”_

_“I’m a curious person.”_

_“No, you’re nosy.”_

_“Same shit.”_

_With a sigh as he slid deeper into the uncomfortable chair, Finlay said “Can I ask you something?” Ivo shrugged where he lay and somehow, Finlay actually caught it. “Do you regret it?”_

_This kid was a sharp one who knew how to dig. Maybe that was how he managed to get on with Joseph so well. Or, that’s what Ivo assumed. He hadn’t seen their interactions but Finlay kind of reminded him of Emilio. No one dug like Emilio. “Regret what.”_

_“We’ll get through this faster without you playing stupid.”_

_Ivo stared up at the ceiling. It was an ugly ceiling. “My father was a horrible man. He didn’t like me, I don’t know why, but he never did. Or I don’t think he did. His actions sure showed how he felt. I always swore that when I became a dad, I was going to be everything mine wasn’t.”_

_“You done fucked up, man.”_

_“Yeah,” Ivo laughed, tapping his fingers on his chest. “I done fucked up. Trust me, I know. But I never hated Joseph and…I like to think I was decent on a good day. We got along when I finally woke the fuck up. We were close.”_

_The heat of Finlay’s piercing eyes was hot as hell. “And you threw that all away for something so stupid?”_

_“Four years ago, I wouldn’t have thought of it as stupid. Three years ago. Two. One even.” Ivo laughed again. Here they were, Joseph on yet another suicide attempt. Because of him. “Then Vesela calls and says her son tried to kill himself again. Hers. Not mine apparently. By burning himself to death. Police labeled it a firework accident but we both knew exactly what it was.”_

_Hers. Like Ivo was just nothing and she was only giving him a courtesy call so he couldn’t angry if he heard it from someone else later._

_Massaging his temples, he said softly “I sat on the floor, right in the middle of my empty house that I hated because I was alone, and realized that if I just kept sitting around, nothing was going to stop him from trying again and again until he was finally was successful. A father shouldn’t live longer than their child.”_

_Not that Ivo was even alive._

_“So you came here.”_

_“I came and I’m pretty sure my wife wishes I hadn’t. But I need to say some things that I should’ve said in the beginning. I need to say some things that might give my son a shot at having a future. A life. It might be too late but I’m not going to be my father. I’m not going to die and have my son curse my name or have my son die cursing mine.”_

“Well then he’s the perfect motivator.” Vesela yawned and stretched, nearly knocking out Ivo’s teeth in the process. “Give the doctor a proper chance and nothing has to change. But you have to give her a good honest to God try. You deserve to give yourself that.”

Still rubbing his blanket, Joseph sighed, setting his chin in his palm as he stared at his covered feet, wiggling the toes on his burned foot. He sighed again and glanced at his burned arm before sighing once more. “How long do I have to stay?”

“Probably another week or two,” Vesela murmured, intrigued by whatever she was reading. “You have surgery scheduled in a couple days and that takes about a week of healing here.”

Why was this the first he’d heard of it? “You didn’t tell me he has surgery coming up. For what?”

“Skin grafts for his arm and the larger patches on his ribs.”

Ivo found it funny how he really didn’t want them to fight in front of Joseph but his burning annoyance made him ask. “Okay and…were you planning on telling me?”

Joseph was watching them closely, eyes flicking from one parent to the other as Vesela answered “Well, you would’ve found out in a couple days.”

Unbelievable. She hadn’t even planned on telling him at all. What, was he just a pile of shit here or something? “Did you tell Nikol about it?”

“Is that your reply every time-”

“Yeah, it fucking is because you tell your sister more about _my_ son than you tell me.”

Completely unfazed, Vesela drew up a knee and rested her chin on it, continuing her reading like she wasn’t even going to waste her full attention on Ivo. “That’s funny, I thought you didn’t want him anymore. He’s gay, remember? You don’t like gays.”

Was she serious right now? In front of Joseph too. As if Ivo wasn’t standing on shaky enough ground as it was, no, she had to make it worse. Grinding his jaw, he ground out “I think we should talk outside.”

“I have nothing to-”

“Can I go to the bathroom?”

Ivo glanced over at Joseph sitting in his bed, looking like the child of years before, always knowing when to interrupt because he didn’t want to hear the anger. “You’re still hooked up to a catheter.”

“Well, can you call them to take them out? I can walk, can’t I? And I feel gross. Can’t I get clean a bit?”

Vesela got up like nothing had even happened and pressed a soft kiss to Joseph’s cheek. “I’ll go talk to the nurse for you. Be right back.”

“You probably can only sponge bath,” Ivo said in the silence after Vesela walked out, probably wishing she could slam a door in his face.

“Why’s she so mad at you?”

He wasn’t sure if it was funny or sad how clueless the pair of them were. Setting his face in his palms, Ivo sighed, rubbing his eyes. His head had been killing him for the past couple weeks and nothing ever seemed to help the pain. It was driving him insane. “I’ve no idea. I don’t think she wants me here.”

Joseph said nothing and that didn’t exactly make Ivo feel any better. But he wasn’t going to leave until he said what needed to be said. It just wasn’t the right time yet. Joseph had only just awakened and Ivo wanted him to be able to take in the words and make a choice with full brain cells.

They sat in silence for so long that when Joseph spoke in quiet words, it sounded as loud as a siren. “That’s not her business. I want you here.”

Ivo’s heart wasn’t able to dance in glee like it wanted to because he didn’t believe a word. Why would Joseph want him here? “Yeah,” he couldn’t help but snort, “sure you do.”

“I do. It means a lot that you came.”

“Does it.”

“Yeah,” Joseph practically whispered, “because it means you can look at me without being disgusted.”

Ivo laughed into his hands. “You’re not disgusting. I’m the disgusting one. Seeing how much Finlay dotes on you…I can’t believe I was ignorant enough to…” He sighed heavily into his hands, tired, so fucking tired of everything… “I’m so sorry, brat.”

“I already accepted your apology. And…I think that you coming here means that you…maybe…maybe you want to…talk about that other thing…?”

There was so much hope in Joseph’s voice. So much and Ivo felt like the worst person in the whole world. Thank God he was already dead because he didn’t deserve to live. “I do actually,” he said, not feeling as confident as he wished he did as he raised his head and looked at his hopeful child. “I want to and I had this whole speech thing planned but I forgot it the minute I saw your face.” Joseph smiled, his eyes watering but Ivo felt like it was happy tears.

Hopeful tears.

“But…I…” Ivo took a deep breath and got up, taking Joseph’s hand in his. “I’d prefer to crouch so we’re on eye level but…”

“Your knee.”

“Yeah. But, I…I hope that me giving my blessings to you and Finlay is as good as a speech.”

Biting his lip as he searched Ivo’s face, Joseph replied “It’s actually even better. And if you…um…” he blushed and looked away, not finishing his sentence but Ivo already knew what it was.

Forcing himself down onto his knees despite the screeching of his nerves, he said softly “Joseph Kavinsky, you’re gay and that’s a beautiful thing.” Joseph’s hand tightened on Ivo’s, shaking along with the rest of him. Ivo stood and pulled his crying son into a soft hug in case of his injuries and kissed the top of his head. “I am so fucking sorry for making us come to this point. So. Sorry. And I know that we’re not just going to magically fall back into place together but…I hope you’ll at least give me a good chance.”

A hiccup escaped Joseph’s lips as he pressed his face into Ivo’s chest, clutching him tight with his left arm. They stayed that way for a long while; Ivo pressing kisses on hair that needed a wash and Joseph crying into a shirt that now also needed a wash. He wasn’t sure how long he should keep this moment sacred but when Joseph’s sobs become little sniffles, Ivo whispered “I can totally do gay jokes now. I’ve been practicing.” Joseph laughed, hugging Ivo harder. “I have. And the other day, I passed this gay couple in Manhattan and the first thing I thought was that they matched.”

It’d shocked Ivo, his initial thought at seeing them. Not long before that, his first thought would’ve been how happy he’d be when they were burning in hell. If that wasn’t progress, then nothing else was.

“I think you and Finlay might match well. Maybe. I’m still kind of getting a feel for him. He doesn’t like me and I don’t blame him but still. He’s gotta make an effort too. Also, that Asian kid, Jiang was it?” Joseph nodded into his chest, “Jiang is…he’s weird. You noticed?”

Joseph laughed and looked up at Ivo, wiping his puffy face with his good hand. “I made him do a dare before he could hang out with me and a couple other guys and sadly, he did it.” He laughed again, wiping his nose in the collar of his gown before using tissues Ivo tossed at him. “He streaked fully naked about two miles back and forth. In the winter. Stopped and ate pizza too.”

“Weird’s an understatement then,” Ivo muttered as he plopped down onto the cot. Joseph smiled at him but it wasn’t the smiles he used to get. It was those ones from years ago, when Joseph hadn’t known how to deal with Ivo. When he was little and afraid. “You think…you can give me a second shot?”

“I mean, I did kill you so…” Joseph shrugged, one shouldered, but shrugged, “only fair. And you met my requirements too. You even practiced gay jokes.”

Ivo tried not to think about how freaky it was to just be so casually talking about him being dead. “I did. Asen kept looking at me like I was insane every time I made one. He was the only one I practiced on. I even started deliberately saying sexual innuendo just to see if he’d joke back to see how I’d take ‘em.”

With a look that said ‘dear father, you’re insane,’ Joseph said “Could you give me an example.”

Trying not to be embarrassed about it, Ivo shrugged and looked away. As if. “They’re…really stupid.”

“Trust me, I’ve heard worse. You have no idea what the guys are like.”

A sudden memory popped into his head and Ivo couldn’t be happier because it made Asen look like an idiot instead. Like…a severe idiot. They were so lucky no one had walked in. So fucking lucky. “One time, it was me and Asen in meeting room and it’d been one hell of a day and I was tired and frustrated from a billion things, right?” Joseph nodded, looking eager as fuck. “So I hand Asen a folder and tell him to make a copy of the papers…”

_“…and then have your father look over them for me,” Ivo said before a huge yawn overtook him._

_“Sure thing,” Asen replied, getting to his feet, folder in hand. He paused and then crouched down beside where Ivo sat. Ivo raised a brow but said nothing, seeing where exactly this was supposed to go. Resting his hand on Ivo’s knee, Asen rubbed it up his thigh, pausing at the very top. Ivo expected his skin to crawl and yet all he wanted to do was laugh._

_He was pretty sure he’d come a long way from where he’d began._

_“Are you sure that’s all you need?” Asen asked with a sultry smile that Ivo had a feeling was reserved for his wife. “You’ve had a really rough day today, sir.”_

_Ivo covered his face, his head resting on the back of his chair, as he tried not to laugh and give Asen that satisfaction. The hand worked its way back to his knee and gave it a squeeze. “I bet Sir has a lot of pent up feelings right now that he’d love to…release.”_

_Completely incapable of holding back his laughter anymore, Ivo burst into a huge ugly snort that descended into a harsh fit of laughter. His throat ached and his face was so hot that he was sure he was dying. His laughter caused Asen to lose his own cool as he fell back onto his ass, laughing into the file._

_It took them what felt like hours to stop being idiots. “I think your seduction technique needs work,” Ivo snorted, wiping his eyes from the tears that had worked their way out. “Jesus Christ. Get up, dumbass.”_

Joseph was stuck in a fit of laughter, only having one hand to cover his cherry red face. “No one said you had to gay yourself!”

“If I’m comfortable with that, it means that should I walk into something a father shouldn’t see, then we just laugh about it. Simple.”

“Jesus,” Joseph snorted, wiping his face that was a puffy mess. But it glowed with happiness and that meant everything to Ivo. “It’s an abuse of power to make Asen do these things, you know.”

“I didn’t tell him to do that!” Ivo exclaimed because he’d been shocked as fuck. Shocked but he’d _laughed_. “He took initiative. Apparently.”

Biting the corner of his lip, Joseph ran his eyes over Ivo before smiling. “Thank you for coming. We…we’ve got a long way to go but…I’m happy we can start somewhere. Really really happy.”

Getting back up, he pulled Joseph back into his arms and murmured into his hair “Thank you for giving me a chance. I’m happy too.” Joseph looped his arm around Ivo’s middle, breathing in and out a deep sigh as he pressed into his chest. “Really happy.”

_“I’m taking leave for a month or two. Until I come back, Yulian’s in charge. I’m still reachable by phone and will run that way but I won’t be here.”_

_His advisers stared at him as though he was some freak they’d never seen before. He didn’t blame them. Lubomir who was getting frailer by the minute cleared his throat before asking “I hope all is well?”_

_Stuffing his hands into the pockets of his black jeans because he was plain old casual today for an ugly plane trip even if it was a short one, Ivo replied “Actually, no. I’m going to go stop my suicidal son from frequently trying to kill himself.”_

_Everyone’s eyes went wide and Ivo didn’t know if it was because he’d just confessed a family truth or because he had a suicidal son. Probably both. Yulian was the most shocked out of anyone, probably only because Ivo was actually going to that hick town where Vesela and Joseph lived._

_Looking to Yulian, he said “I have no worries in you running in my stead but should you need something, just call.” Gazing to the men in the room, he added “That goes for all of you. I’ll accept calls of question but not calls questioning a choice Lord Simeonov makes. He says take the damn dog for a walk, then take the damn fucking dog. His word is mine. Don’t give him trouble for it.”_

_Asen raised a hand. “We don’t have a dog, my lord.”_

_“Funny.” Asen shrugged, his face straight but years from knowing this man helped Ivo see the pride and happiness in his eyes. It was like all those stupid gay jokes suddenly made sense to him. Like he knew that Ivo planned on making things right. Ivo focused back on the room. “Questions? Comments? Concerns? Speak now because I have a plane to catch.”_

_The men glanced between themselves before Petar seemed to be the one with nerves to ask. “What if one should feel that a choice Lord-”_

_“Anything Lord Simeonov says, goes. When I’m dead,” no mind that he already was, “he’s going to be taking over. Start respecting him now. Make a habit of it.” Ivo watched each man’s face carefully. “Questions that aren’t pointless?”_

_“I hope your son is well and to hear good news about him,” Lubomir said, not meeting Ivo’s eyes. Nothing had ever stopped this man from meeting his eyes but it seemed Joseph was enough. “He’s a fine young man who deserves the best.”_

“The absolute best,” Ivo murmured into Joseph’s hair. “The best, brat.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> I had my wisdom teeth removed and it surprisingly wasn't as bad as I was expecting. But instead of loopy, I woke up sobbing and spent the day 'sad.'  
> Also I am in fact working on Emilio and Snapshots, never fear
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> I had trouble picking a quote here
> 
> _“I’m nasty, don’t touch me. Please don’t."_

Two minutes in, Joseph was officially decided that he didn’t like Dr. Cho.

Just like that.

But he had to give her a week whether he liked it or not.

Ridiculous.

“Aren’t you supposed to ask how I’m feeling today or something?”

“I could,” the small stout woman laughed from where she had moved the uncomfortable chair to the foot of his bed. He had a feeling she wanted them to be face to face. “But that’s pretty lame, don’t you think?”

Joseph scratched at his head, wishing he could just wash his hair. What if he just buzzed it? He’d never done that but his hair was fucked anyways because of them shaving a patch on the side. Not to mention the singeing that had occurred. “I mean, yeah, but you’re a therapist. They’re lame.”

Dr. Cho crossed a leg over the other, her notebook resting closed atop them. “Have you ever had a therapist?”

“Well…no but…I watch movies.” That sounded about as lame as it’d sounded in his head. Biting on his lip, Joseph ran his eyes over her and asked “So…when do we start? Aren’t we on a clock?”

“We’ve started.”

“Oh.” Joseph was confused as fuck. This woman was supposed to be the best? She didn’t seem like much. “So…” With a shrug, she smiled at him. “Did my parents talk to you about anything?” He needed to get a feel for how much ground she had on him but Dr. Cho shook her head to the negative. “They had to tell you something.”

Uncrossing her legs, she clasped her hands together and set them on her notebook. “All I know is that your name is Joseph, you’re from New Jersey, you’re an only child, and life’s been a little rough on you.”

“They told you life’s been rough with me.”

“No,” she laughed, and if Joseph was going to like her for anything, it was that laugh, “that life’s been rough _on_ you.”

He was so not going to give her the win of a smile from him. Scratching at his neck, Joseph raised a brow and asked “Why exactly should I trust you? Like you? Confide in you?”

“Do you like games?”

Joseph shrugged, “I guess.”

Dr. Cho pushed up her glasses into her hair. “Twenty questions. You ask first. We’ll take turns.”

Movies couldn’t be an accurate representation of therapy sessions because movies always stretched some shit but he didn’t think they were this far off. This woman couldn’t possibly be the best. “Okay…” he mulled over what he wanted to ask, “why’d you become a therapist? Specifically, one that focuses on mental health.”

“And assault.”

“And assault,” he added, far less confident from just the words. He’d practically admitted to his mother that he’d been raped and it’d left an ill feeling in his stomach up until now. He had no idea how he was going to manage to eat his large ass meals with a queasy stomach.

“That’s a good question. And I have a good answer. Or, rather, what I’ve always considered a good answer.” She crossed her legs again only to uncross them once more while making a face. “This chair is terrible.”

Joseph tried to stop his smile but it worked its way past his defenses. “We call it the evil chair.”

“Appropriate,” she grumbled before getting up and sitting on the cot. “Is this fine?” Joseph nodded. “Alright, so, why am I therapist. I am a therapist because of my brother. He’s older than me, or he would be, if he was still alive. He-”

“Killed himself.”

Dr. Cho nodded, not looking particularly disturbed. “I was twelve, he was sixteen. I found him. Now, you’re probably thinking that it could be anyone’s reason, right? We all do things for family. I blame my parents for his death. Still do. He was having a tough time and no one wanted to look a little closer. They just say ‘oh, he’s a teenager’ or ‘it’s the hormonal changes’ or even ‘its just how boys are.’”

He didn’t like her yet, but he was intrigued. “Was it more than that?”

“I think it was. Obviously, I was only twelve at the time but once I started studying psychology and mental health, I started digging. Thinking about what I saw in my brother and what I was reading. I’ll never know if I’m right but I have a good feeling. I specialize in working with teens because I don’t want anyone being pushed to the side just because of such stupid beliefs.”

Working his lip between his teeth, Joseph murmured “Do you know why he killed himself?”

“Nope and I never will. My family doesn’t even bring him up anymore. Shameful, they whisper.” She laughed, and Joseph knew the wounds had to be old because she had such an easy time talking about them. “As if him suffering was shameful. No one should ever be ashamed of hurting. No one should ever be ashamed for feeling a little different than everyone else. Like maybe the world feels a bit heavier for them than others.”

Joseph averted his gaze. His world felt heavier than everyone else’s and he’d always felt to ashamed to talk about it. Like he was a failure. Like he was pathetic because he made a big deal over things that other people thought were nothing. “You…you think something is wrong with me.”

“Do you think something is wrong with you?”

Besides for him being a complete mess? “Dunno,” he said with a shrug, hoping that she believed his nonchalance. “Maybe I just like trying to kill myself.”

“How many times have you tried?”

“Isn’t it my turn for a question?”

“You asked me two.”

Fuck. “Fine. I play fair.”

Dr. Cho laughed and he officially like that laugh. Officially. It made her small nose scrunch even smaller and her large smile grow even bigger. He liked it. “So?”

“I guess this is…four? Five maybe?” He counted on his fingers, “Let’s see…pills, knife, technically gun but my friend stopped me, and now fireworks. Also, knife when I was eight but I don’t know if that counts because I don’t think I really understood what I was doing.” Joseph waited for her to write all that down but she didn’t. “Aren’t you going to write that?”

“Do you want me to?”

Fuck, he was so confused by this woman. They were interrupted by a knock and a nurse stuck her head in. “Lunch!”

“She makes it sound exciting,” he muttered to himself as the nurse pushed her cart in. Yesterday, it had taken him a couple hours to finish his lunch and dinner. They were adamant that he ate everything because it was vital to his recovery and the body’s ability to rebuild after the burns but no one wanted to listen when he said he’s never eaten this much in his entire life. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” the nurse replied, pushing the table over his bed and setting his tray on it. “Finish everything.”

“Joy.”

“Not a fan of the food?” Dr. Cho asked once the nurse was gone. “And our game is on pause. This question doesn’t count.”

With a sigh as he took the cover off his plate to reveal a chicken breast over fettucine with a random ass bit of black beans, Joseph glared at his plate as he dumped his powdered vitamin supplements into his lemonade and stirred. It sucked when you were forced to eat but it sucked even more when meals had to be so specific where you didn’t really get choices. He had a certain number of calories he had to consume, a certain percentage of proteins, carbs, fats, vitamins, and minerals. “The food’s actually okay it’s just…” Joseph sighed as he picked up his fork, “it’s a lot of food.”

“And you have to eat it all.”

“Yeah,” Joseph grumbled, spinning his fork to fill it with pasta. “I should be happy it at least tastes good.” Grabbing a straw, he unwrapped it and stuck it through the lid of his little lemonade cup. “I’d love some home food. Now that, I can eat.” He pointed his fork at her, “You ever had Bulgarian food?” Dr. Cho shook her head. “Course not. People never understand what they’re missing out on.” He scooped up some beans, “It’s the best food in all existence next to cheesecake.”

“I’m not a fan of cheesecake.”

Joseph’s fork froze to his mouth as he slowly turned his head to glare at her with narrowed eyes. “I’m sorry but we can’t associate anymore. Anyone who hangs with me has to like cheesecake. It’s a sacred rule.”

“Really? Well, I supposed I can try again. Mine was previously frozen when I tried it, you think that’s a problem?”

Taking another sip of lemonade on vitamin steroids, Joseph opened the little thing of butter and began spreading it on the provided bread. The bread was eh but for some reason, all he wanted was bread to the point where his parents made a rule where he wasn’t allowed to eat the bread first. One would think that it didn’t matter what he ate first but apparently it did. “Maybe. Depends on the brand. You ever been to New York?” Dr. Cho shook her head. “It’s against my principles to appreciate things from that stupid state but they make the best damn cheesecake in existence.”

Amusement was glowing in her eyes but other than that, she was great with straight faces. “Why stupid? Everyone always wants to go there. I hear it’s amazing.”

“Amazingly stupid.”

“What do you like about New Jersey?”

Spinning pasta on his fork, Joseph considered this. Why did he loved his state so much? “I guess…it’s not so much about the state, maybe. I love it and it’s beautiful – mostly – but…Jersey is me. It’s family. It’s home.” He nodded absently, still spinning his pasta. “It can be loud sometimes, the city, but then you go out at night and just…the lights, the quiet…it’s beautiful. Calming. You can go to the edge of the Hudson and find peace. Looking up at the stars and listening to the river.”

“Did you do that a lot when you needed quiet?”

He set down his fork now laced with a mountain of pasta and rested his head back into his pillow to stare up at the ceiling. “No. I could only go with one of my parents. They worry.”

“Do you think they worry too much about things?”

“Well, I’m the type of son that would make a parent worry. I don’t blame them.”

“Do you blame them for other things?”

Did he? Kind of. Joseph absently ran his finger along Isha’s blanket, lost in thought. He blamed them for things but he could hardly blame them for everything when it was mainly Joseph’s fault in the first place. Really, there was only one thing he could blame them for that was solely on them. “I blame them for making me believe I’m disgusting. Not that they’re wrong because my life has easily proved that.”

There was the noise of something shuffling but he payed it no mind. “What is it that makes you disgusting, do you think? That life kept reminding you about?”

Joseph stayed silent, still staring up at the ugly ass ceiling. Hearing his father tell him that he was gay and beautiful meant everything but being beautiful didn’t mean that you weren’t disgusting. He was still tainted. Dirty. Unstable. A grand fucking mess.

Queen? He was no fucking queen. Queens were regal and beautiful and had their shit together. How could Finlay mix that up and see a queen in Joseph? Why did he even love him?

“Joseph? You still with me?”

“I want to be alone,” he whispered, wishing he could turn his face to the side to put more distance between them.

What was there worth loving about him?

“Okay,” Dr. Cho replied, and her tone was nothing if not usual. It wasn’t softer, it wasn’t careful, and it wasn’t considering. It was the same tone of voice that had laughed about cheesecake. Joseph appreciated that more than anything else right now. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Enjoy your food.”

He didn’t give her a goodbye, he didn’t even bother looking at her, as she walked out, the room suddenly becoming just him and his thoughts. Him and his thoughts.

Joseph and his thoughts. And the food that was trying to tantalize him with the smell but instead, all it did was churn his stomach to something more ill than it’d already been. He wanted a shower. He didn’t know why but he wanted a shower and he wanted to feel clean and he wanted Finlay even though he shouldn’t. Joseph liked the thought of being his queen. He wanted to be a queen and have someone else carry the weight of the world with him.

But what exactly made him even entertain the thought that he deserved such a thing?

The food was making his stomach worse, the nausea building into something forceful, ready to explode. He didn’t want to eat. He didn’t want to eat this food and he didn’t want to so he didn’t have to. Why did he have to? Why did he have to listen all the time? Joseph was tired of listening. He was done listening.

Glaring down at the food that looked barely even touched, Joseph grabbed his bread and threw it across the miniscule room, testing how it felt. The buttered bread landed with an unsatisfying _plop_ and it pissed him off even more than he already was. Yanking up his lemonade, he tossed that against the wall too but still felt like the noise wasn’t right. Joseph glared at his pasta and chicken before grabbing the plate and flinging it as hard as he could against the wall. It’d have been more satisfying if it’d been glass but the noise of the plastic hitting the wall and then the floor along with the splattering of pasta, chicken, and beans everywhere was nice.

Nicer than the bread.

Flinging pasta had caused a mess on him, long fettucine noodles drooping themselves on his legs with sauce and black beans decorating Isha’s blanket like a Polluck painting.

Isha’s blanket.

“Fuck!” he snapped, shoving the roller table away and pulling the blanket up to toss off noodles. It was dirty. It was dirty and it was ruined because he was ruined. He knew he hadn’t deserved this, he knew it, and no one had bothered to listen. Joseph had ruined such hard beautiful work in just a _day_. “How…” he whispered, trying to smudge away the sauce spots, “how to get this off…”

Water. Water? What if water was bad for the yarn? He hadn’t gotten washing instructions with this. But…blankets typically needed water to get clean. “Okay, so…” Joseph glanced around himself, thankful that he only had a couple tubes left in him. Technically, he wasn’t supposed to be getting up on his own but he needed to get to the sink. Nothing was going to stop him from fixing this. Isha hadn’t taken hours upon end to make this for him just for it to get ruined in a hissy fit.

Struggling to sit up properly, he clutched the blanket to his chest as he slowly swung his legs to the side of the bed and set them on the floor. His right ached something fierce but he’d been in more pain before and he wasn’t going to let it stop him. Biting his lip as he fixed his multiple IV bags onto the pole, Joseph rolled it as close to himself as possible before bracing himself on his bed and carefully sliding off.

“Fuck,” he whimpered, cringing with the one step he managed to take. Walking on his foot hurt and it made the rest of his burns throb like they were aware that he was making their brother do something that shouldn’t be done. Joseph clutched the blanket tighter to him as he took another step, whimpering as he did. “Pathetic,” Joseph cried, holding his blanket as close as he could as he and his IV stand went along at a speed slower than a tortoise.

It hurt. It hurt so bad that every nerve in his body was screaming at him to stop.

Shit.

The pain on his stomach was actually his bladder talking.

Okay, well, he’d been dragging himself to the bathroom anyways. Just a few more steps. “I can do this,” Joseph whispered, pain and urinary needs strangling his voice. He took another step, needing just a few more to get to that closed door. “Easy peasy.”

His bladder was screaming in pain along with every inch of his body. Joseph didn’t understand how he only now realized that he needed to go so bad. He needed to go and he needed to wash this to earn forgiveness for being a mess. He made to take another step but the minute he put his right foot down, pain shot through it like he’d stepped on a knife, dropping him to the floor like he had in fact stepped on one. The problem wouldn’t have been too bad if he hadn’t tried to stop himself with his wrecked arm.

Because the minute he reached out to catch himself on his bed with his right arm, it felt like he’d just ripped the entire thing off. Like his skin, the patches of black and red, tore from each other, the tightness being replaced by angry fire, as he screamed and fell to the floor, landing in a puddle.

A puddle?


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Enjoy peeps
> 
> _"You come here wanting to play father again then goddamn act like one!”_

He sat there, in his own damn piss, crying into his ruined blanket while clutching his screaming arm and wishing he wasn’t such a mess. In the matter of a few minutes, Joseph had ruined such a beautiful gift, covering it in pasta, beans, and pee.

All it took was a few minutes to remind Joseph of how much of a mess he truly was. He may have survived his fourth attempt, but it didn’t mean anything had changed in his life.

There was a knock but Joseph ignored it, focusing only on how fucked he was, sitting there and crying in his own puddle of pee like he was two.

Pathetic.

“Joseph, do you- what the fuck?” He felt like someone was crouching beside him and the voice was telling him that it was his father.

It only made him cry harder. To have his father see him like this, a man who prided himself on so many things, to have a son like this…what if Joseph became disgusting all over again? What if seeing him like this would make his father change his mind?

A careful hand ran itself through his ruined hair. “Hey, brat,” came a soft voice, “could you not make it to the bathroom?” The words just made him cry all the more harder, serving simply as a reminder of his inability to even do the simplest of tasks. “I’m sorry, I just went to the café, I didn’t know the doctor had left already.”

Look at that, he couldn’t even allow the man to eat, for fuck’s sake.

The hand rubbed through his hair again and all it did was make him think of how Finlay did it for him except Finlay would be disgusted to even get near a guy who pissed on himself. “Hey, it’s okay-”

Joseph blocked out anything else that was said after that. Okay? How was this okay? This was ridiculously pathetic. Babies and fucking old people pissed on themselves, not teens. He was ashamed and felt dirtier than he ever had. Dirtier even than when Jordan had…

He felt so _dirty._

Through his blanket and tears, Joseph said “You shouldn’t touch something so dirty.”

“You think I care about a puddle of piss? Although, we are definitely talking about throwing food because that’s wasteful. But after, not now.” Arms looped under his shoulders, ready to pull him off the floor but Joseph shook his head vehemently, pushing his father away. “Joseph, really, it’s okay-”

“I’m nasty, don’t touch me. Please don’t. Please, please, _please._ ”

The last thing he wanted was to taint this strong man with his filth.

“Brat, look at me.” Joseph shook his head once more and with every shake, it throbbed more, ready to blow. He just wanted a needle to pop the balloon or something. “Joseph.” His father tried to pull the blanket from his face but Joseph held on tight until he gave up. “Okay, don’t look but at least listen. We’re going to go the bathroom, okay?” Joseph neither moved nor said anything beyond his crying. “We’re going to go and I’m going to help you wash up-”

Why did he not understand? “But I’m _dirty_.”

Silence followed and Joseph didn’t care to analyze it as he sat there, content in his pee and mess of a being. After a time, however, it was broken as that same hand went back to his hair. “We should wash your blanket though, don’t you think?” Joseph paused his thoughts, biting his lip and blinking his bleary eyes open, listening carefully. “It’s such a beautiful blanket, huh? We should clean it. What do you think?”

His blanket. His blanket needed cleaning. Joseph had gotten up to clean his precious gift. “I don’t know how to clean it.”

“That’s okay,” his father murmured, once more bracing his arms under Joseph’s shoulders except somehow, he was suddenly behind him. “We’ll do it together. Will you let me help with something so important? I’d like to make it clean with you.”

He owed Isha that much. It had to be cleaned. It had to be cleaned and cared for. His father was always good at making things clean. Fixing them. “Okay.”

“Okay,” his father repeated, sounding particularly happy as he got Joseph to his feet. “Who would’ve thought the day would come where you’d get so tall, huh? I think you’re taller than me. What the fuck, right?”

Nodding numbly while clutching the soiled blanket tight to his soiled gown on his soiled being, Joseph ignored the screaming in his hand and upper arm as they toddled over to the bathroom. His father helped him in and sat Joseph down on the toilet after flipping on the light. He dug around for a moment before finding a few different bottles of soap that definitely had to be from the house, taking a moment to read each. Once his father decided on the one he wanted, he plugged the sink and turned it on.

“That’ll make it clean?” Joseph couldn’t help but whisper as he watched his father swirl around some soap in the water. “It has to be clean.”

With a tilt of the head and a considering look, his father smiled softly at him. “I’ll make it extra clean. Don’t worry.” He stuck out his hand, “Can I see it?”

Joseph glanced at the hand and then down at this blanket. He didn’t want to part with it but he also knew that it needed a good cleaning. Holding it out to his father who took it without even a cringe of his nose, Joseph whispered “Thank you.”

“You’re very welcome,” his father murmured, his full focus now on carefully cleaning the blanket. He was being so gentle with it that Joseph wanted to say thank you all over again just for that.

Minutes passed as Joseph sat there, watching his father hum as he washed, flipping the blanket this way and that, checking every single stitch to exist. This man was standing there, looking particularly exhausted, and yet he was standing there, cleaning a crochet blanket that’d been covered in food and pee without a single complaint.

It was moments like this one that made Joseph remember why he loved his father. Why he adored him and his annoyingness. “You look tired,” Joseph said, his voice too cried out to come out more than a murmur.

“I’ve been feeling like crap lately and remotely managing a mob is hard as fuck,” his father laughed as he held up the blanket to take a good look. He squinted for a moment at a spot before seemingly satisfied. “I told them Yulian is in charge and, okay, I said call me if you need something but for fuck’s sake.” Finding a spot he wasn’t satisfied with, he dunked it back into the soapy water. “I didn’t expect them to suddenly want to talk to me all the time. Jesus. The sad part is that if I had left Asen in charge, they would’ve given me crap, yeah, but they wouldn’t call as much. Maybe.”

“I think tetíncho is well suited though.”

“See? I do too but he’ll always be viewed as that outsider in their eyes. Idiots.” Sighing as he inspected the blanket once more, he smelled the entirety of it before holding it in front of Joseph. “What do you think? Good?”

“Perfect,” he whispered, wishing he could touch it. He could smell the freshness from here and he didn’t want to ruin it by hugging it. “Thank you.”

“No problem. Let me just hang it in front of the window. Don’t move.” 

Joseph waited, really, because he lacked anything else to do and the ability to move freely until his father came back and crouched in front of him. “Can I help clean you up? And we’re gonna need to change your bandages too.”

He wasn’t too sure why he did it but something made him run a hand through his father’s hair. Maybe he was jealous because his was fucked as he was. “Can you make my hair nice?”

“What’s wrong with your hair?”

Unintentionally, his hand rubbed the ugly side of his head. “It doesn’t look nice.” Under his fingertips, his singed hair practically crinkled. “I want it nice.” Sliding his hand down his jaw, he added softly “And I think I need a shave.” He’d never grown out facial hair because he always felt like it didn’t match him. Not that he’d grown much hair in a matter of a week but he didn’t appreciate the prickles. “I look ugly.”

“Sickly, maybe, but not ugly.” His father reached out and rubbed Joseph’s head. “Okay, how about this: we clean you up and then I can fix your hair for you.”

“How you gonna fix it though? I think it all needs to go.”

Looking shocked, his father asked “You want to buzz it? All of it?”

“It’s the only way to fix it. Why would Finlay want me if I’m ugly?”

“Finlay wants you happy and healthy. And you’re not ugly, just a bit of a mess. But I know for a fact that he’ll take you however you are.”

Pft, what did this man know? He definitely didn’t know ‘however Joseph was.’ “Will you fix it for me? Please?”

“Of course,” his father said, getting to his feet with a small groan and wince. He rubbed his knee for a moment before opening a cabinet and taking out a basket filled with stuff. “Bath stuff,” he murmured, knowing that Joseph was wondering. “Mayko stocked this place with so much shit, you’d think we lived here. Ah, that reminds me.”

Watching as his father pulled out his phone and typed something, Joseph waited before realizing that there was no way he could take a shower. “I’m dirty,” he whispered to himself, staring down at his soiled gown and lower half. “I’m dirty. I need a wash.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll clean you up.” How? Joseph needed a proper shower and his loofah. Maybe his pumice stone too. Stuffing his phone back into his pocket, his father soaked a huge looking sponge in the sink before dumping blue body wash on it. Turning to Joseph, he said ever so carefully “Undress and I’ll let you scrub as you like and then I’ll come back in and do a top off. Fair?”

It sounded decent but Joseph wasn’t sure that he was comfortable with his father seeing him naked. But then…his mother had so… “Can…I put a towel on my lap?”

“Of course. Whatever makes you comfortable.”

Okay, he could do that. Joseph could do that. “Can you untie my gown for me?”

* * *

Something was wrong with his son. Ivo wasn’t exactly sure what but, mentally, he knew something wasn’t right in Joseph’s brain.

With a tired sigh, he picked up the plate and the food on the floor, setting them on the table while dialing the nurse’s desk to get someone to help him clean. He’d do it himself if he had the supplies because he knew that Joseph would hate the fact that other people were witness to his accident.

Knocking on the bathroom door after hanging up with a nurse even though it’d only been a minute, Ivo called “Okay in there?”

It took a moment but eventually, Joseph’s soft exhausted voice came through. “Yes, thank you.”

Ivo nodded as he sighed and sat down on the cot, his head in his hands. Vesela was going to blame this on him. Tell him that he wasn’t supposed to have left the chair beside the door while the doctor was in. She wasn’t entirely wrong but all Ivo had wanted was fresh coffee and to see if he could bribe Joseph with anything the café had to offer. He’d even been counting his minutes. How was he supposed to know that the doctor would finish early?

There was a quick knock before a nurse came in with a cleaning cart left in the hall. “Hi!” he greeted way too fucking loudly causing Ivo to put a finger to his lips. The nurse looked confused so Ivo explained “Try to go in and out as fast as possible before he finishes, please. He won’t take this kindly.”

With a nice smile that Ivo liked, the nurse nodded and got to work, starting on the puddle first. In record time – Ivo wished he could tip him for his efficiency – the nurse cleaned and was out right before Joseph called out quietly that he was done. Ivo gave the room one last look over before going to check on his kid. “I’ll be quick,” he told him, seeing how cold Joseph looked with just a towel over his lap while sitting on a toilet. Usually, Ivo would be against public toilets but Vesela literally scrubbed the thing every day so he knew that their asses were safe. “You look cold.”

“Just a little,” Joseph murmured, handing over the sponge. “I don’t feel clean enough.”

All Ivo smelled was spring rain but what did he know? “I’ll give you an extra scrub, don’t worry.”

He scrubbed carefully, going between how much he knew Joseph wanted him to scrub and delicate because, duh, he was bandaged as fuck. It was methodical how he worked and once he reached Joseph’s shoulders, he wondered how in the hell he was going to get his hair wet enough for a good clean buzz without getting the surrounding bandages wet. “Do you want to do your hair or face first?”

Joseph considered this for a moment before touching his head. Not the answer Ivo would’ve preferred but it wasn’t his choice. He paused his washing and took out both a razor and the shaver, setting them on the sink along with a bottle of shaving cream. Joseph was watching him carefully as he took out a spray bottle, filled it with warm water and began ever so carefully spraying his head, brushing the hair as he did.

“I think Finlay’s growing out his hair for cornrows,” Joseph said softly as Ivo brushed his hair until it felt wet enough without a tangle in sight. “Cornrows are my favorite on him. And then twists.”

“Yeah? I have minimal knowledge on this but there’s lots of different braid styles, aren’t there?” Joseph nodded into Ivo’s chest. Grabbing a scissor, he began taking off as much as he could so the shaver wouldn’t have a problem. “How does he like them?”

“I’ve only seen it once on him but it was this cool thicker – but not too thick – braid style and they weren’t just straight back which made it nicer.” He looked up at Ivo as Ivo was just about to turn on the shaver, drawing the pattern of the braids in his head. “They curved but not weird like, just curved and it looked really nice.”

“I bet it did,” he murmured, tilting Joseph’s head back down with a push of a finger on his head. The shaver buzzed to life and Ivo began shaving away inch after inch. He couldn’t remember a single time that Joseph’s hair had ever been buzzed besides for the once when Ivo had to – ironically – fix his hair for him when he was five. “would you want him to do the same or something new?”

Apparently, Finlay’s hair was something that could keep Joseph talking after a rough day. “I saw this one hairstyle where just the top is braided in varying thickness and they’re looped into this little top bun and the sides are all shaved. I liked that.”

Edging the shaver carefully around Joseph’s bandaged ear, Ivo said “Maybe you should show him that picture and see if he likes it too.”

“What if he says no?”

Ivo paused his task and forced himself not to give Joseph a weird look. Returning to his task to act like the phrase hadn’t phased him, Ivo replied “Well, that’s up to him. In a relationship, you give your opinions but you have to remember that it’s his hair and he has to like it too.”

Joseph was silent but it seemed it was only because he was thinking. “But if I’m his queen, don’t I get to get a say?

His…queen…

Queen.

Queen?

It’d taken him four long stupid years to be able to say gay and be okay with it. Four. And he knew himself. He knew it was easier to swallow because he’d seen that his kid was still…well, himself. He still liked cars and shooting games and now had all these tattoos that Ivo really hated but the point was…

Joseph was still very Joseph. Still very…masculine. It made it a whole lot easier for Ivo to handle. If Joseph had suddenly wanted, God fucking forbid, _makeup_ or-or God knew what else because Ivo had in fact been to Manhattan once when it was Pride month and knew that…there was a lot more than just…makeup, then Ivo was more than sure he’d never have been able to stomach Joseph being gay.

So what the fuck was this ‘queen’ shit?

Keeping his voice as steady as possible while shaving off the last of Joseph’s hair, Ivo asked “His queen?”

If Joseph hadn’t been in such a state of instability right now, he’d know easily why Ivo was asking. Watching as Ivo set down the shaver after feeling Joseph’s head to make sure it was nice and even, Joseph answered “Yeah. I asked why I’m not a king because I’m not a bitch but he said queens are better than kings.”

Yes, it was stupid, but Ivo couldn’t have been happier that Joseph had also unquestioned this queen shit. Wetting Joseph’s face and slathering on cream, Ivo picked up the razor and carefully did his face for him. “How so?”

“Because queens are allowed to put their stress on other people and be pampered and given their every whim and be helped with whatever they want too.” Joseph shrugged. “I like the sound of that. I’ve never gotten that and he loves me and is gonna give me all of it.”

If that was all they were going to make of being a ‘queen,’ Ivo could live with it. As long as it entailed nothing else. Nothing more…feminine. Cleaning the razor and finishing up Joseph’s face, he murmured in his focus “I can tell that he loves you a lot.”

This made Joseph brighten, like it was the validation he needed of Finlay’s love. “Really?”

Wiping off the rest of the cream with a towel, Ivo gave Joseph a good once over before deciding that he looked great. His shaved head made him seem smaller, sicklier even, but it’d grow. He looked clean and fresh and even a little happier.

That was all that mattered.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Hola! Fabulous news! Emilio's story has updated! It'll stick to the same schedule as this one so every two weeks. Enjoy it! I'll hopefully have some Snapshots soon too!  
> Remember y'all, wash your hands and stay safe. It's pretty insane everything that's going on right now and I hope all of you are safe and well! Hopefully I bring a little joy here and there  
> Enjoy!
> 
> _“We definitely don’t beat the gravy in Philly, just the shit. Maybe even the cream cheese.”_

“Where the fuck is your hair?” Finlay said in shock, the minute he walked into a room that smelled like fresh ammonia and maybe some bleach. Something had been cleaned along with Isha’s blanket that was stretched out, seemingly drying.

He hated how he made Joseph look worried, self-consciously rubbing his buzzed head. Finlay hadn’t meant it in a bad way, it’d just been a shock walking in and finding his love with no hair. Okay, it was very little hair but to Finlay who had never seen it any other way, it was unnatural. “Do you not like it?”

Mr. Kavinsky was sitting on the cot, one leg drawn up, and reading a book. But he made sure to take a moment to send the scariest glare Finlay had ever seen in his life. It was like a reminder that he could in fact torture and kill him and no one would ever know. “It looks good,” Finlay said quickly, even meaning it. “I was just surprised is all.”

Joseph seemed pleased by the answer. To Finlay, the haircut just made Joseph seemed even skinnier than he was which was to say that he was even scarier than scary skinny. “Is that Good Burger?” Joseph asked, his eyes lighting up at the familiar sight. “Please say it’s mine.”

Finlay held up the shake in his hand. “Only this is. I’m not allowed to indulge you with greasy foods but I thought I’d bring my lunch to sit while you eat yours. Although…” Finlay glanced around, not finding Joseph’s food even though he knew it was around lunchtime, “where’s your food?”

A blush tinged Joseph’s cheeks as Finlay took a seat on the cot beside Mr. Kavinsky. He’d prefer to sit closer to Joseph but he’d also prefer not to break his butt in the uncomfortable chair on the right side of the bed. “Um…they’re going to…bring it in a bit.”

A very unamused snort erupted from the scary man beside him. “Why don’t you tell him why they’re bringing it late.”

The blush deepened and officially, nothing was sexier in this world. Not meeting Finlay’s eyes while rubbing his head because it had to be weird for him, Joseph replied “I’d prefer not to.”

“I think you should.”

Biting his lip, Joseph let out a deep sigh as he rolled his eyes. There was a flash of annoyance that looked like Kavinsky of old before he muttered “I threw my food at the fucking wall.”

Mr. Kavinsky turned the page in his book, resting his back against the wall behind them. “And, why, Joseph, do we not do that?”

“What am I, five?”

“When you throw your food and waste it, yes.”

“I don’t need another fucking lecture.”

Another page turned. Mr. K seemed normal beside him but Finlay had a feeling there was something more towards annoyance boiling inside the man. “If you didn’t, you’d be able to answer. Why don’t we waste food?”

Fury made Joseph’s eyes burn as he glared at his father. It was an emotion Finlay hadn’t seen since before Joseph had tried to kill himself and, really, it wasn’t one he wanted to see again. He liked Joseph when he was just Joseph.

He didn’t want to put up with Kavinsky again.

Without a knock, Mrs. Kavinsky walked in and smiled at Finlay as Mr. Kavinsky repeated “Why. Don’t. We. Waste. Food.”

“Waste what food?” Mrs. Kavinsky asked, looking between the three of them. Finlay made to get up for her so she could sit beside her husband but she shook her head and sat in the evil chair. “Who’s wasting?”

Joseph was looking more pissed by the second. “I was angry, I threw my plate at the wall. Now you know, now let’s move on.”

Mrs. K was still staring at Joseph, just realizing now what was different. “Baby, who cut your hair?”

“Who else is going to,” Mr. Kavinsky snorted, turning another page. Finlay didn’t want to admit that he was impressed with how the man managed to focus on two things at once. Like really focus. “Me, obviously.”

“Why?”

“Because he wanted me to. Why else?”

“You didn’t seriously let him take a shower, did you?”

Her words pissed off both of her men and made Finlay wish he’d put off coming for a little later. This was awkward as fuck. But…if he wanted to be a part of this family…maybe he’d just have to get over it.

Something that was going to be extremely difficult.

“Do I look like a fucking idiot to you?” Mr. K all but snapped, officially closing his book and setting it to the side. If he was a hedgehog, Finlay would be able to feel his prickles flaring. It was like he was trying not to show that he was angry. Like he was trying to keep a flaring temper in. “Why in the fuck would I let him take a shower? And even if I did, I wouldn’t let him take it without supervision being that he can barely stand.”

Mrs. Kavinsky, who had to be used to this mobster of hers, looked unfazed as she crossed her arms and rolled her eyes. “Fine but you can’t just help him bathe when you two feel like it. He needs a nurse-”

“I know how to take care of my own fucking child, Vesela.”

“Do you?” she laughed, sarcasm oozing from her voice. “I dunno, Ivo, because I can’t say your record proves much.” Beside Finlay, a jaw clicked shut so loudly that the world heard it. It clicked shut because the man beside him was seething with rage and trying not to let it out. Mrs. K either didn’t notice or didn’t care and Finlay had a feeling that it was the latter. “Looks like someone’s forgotten how to control his temper, hmm?”

“Can I have my shake, it looks like it’s melting,” Joseph cut in, eating at the corner of his lip while worrying the edge of the hospital blanket between his fingers. Without meeting his mother’s eyes, Joseph added softly “And I needed to feel clean. We were careful.”

Her face softened as she leaned forward and brushed her hand against his. “Joseph, baby, I’m not saying don’t but-”

“We were careful,” he repeated, still not meeting her eyes, and stretching his arm out for his shake. “Can I have it now?”

Finlay was about to say ‘of course’ but he didn’t even get the chance before he was interrupted. “No,” Mrs. Kavinsky said, halting Finlay’s arm with simply her eyes. It had to be a Kavinsky thing because between her and Mr. K, people could die from their glares. Joseph’s too. “Too much sugar and fat. We’re on a strict diet now, remember?”

“It’s a fucking shake,” Joseph muttered, crossing one arm across his chest. “That’s not fair.”

“Life’s not fair,” she snorted back, crossing her legs under her, “so here we are. And I’m especially not rewarding you with a shake when you apparently wasted food.”

“Oh for…”

“People are starving and you’re blessed to always have your choice of food in front of you. Babies are starving, looking like skeletons because they don’t have access to food like you have been blessed with.”

Grinding his jaw back and forth, Joseph grit out “I’ve heard the lecture already.”

Mrs. Kavinsky huffed, crossing her own arms and shaking her head. She looked exhausted and fed up. But before she had the chance to say more, a knock sounded and the door opened, revealing the doctor Finlay had met a few times before. “Can I come in?”

“Of course,” Mrs. Kavinsky replied, plastering a smile on her face. “We don’t usually have a check in at this time though?”

Dr. Richards smiled as she slipped on some gloves. “I need to check on the blisters that tore. The nurse said they look good but I’d prefer to make sure myself.”

Joseph’s mother waited until the doctor’s back was to her before giving Mr. K one hell of a look. She waited until Dr. Richards cleaned the popped blisters on Joseph’s hand and upper arm before giving him yet another look and she waited some more while the doctor gave them a smile and the ‘all clear’ before shooting daggers at him with her eyes.

It wasn’t until Dr. Richards left that she turned those glares into words. “I thought you two were careful. Torn blisters are not careful, Ivo.”

“It’s not his fault,” Joseph cut in, both somehow managing to seem ashamed and offended at the same time. “I got up to…to…”

“Go to the bathroom and he needed to rest on the bed for minute but he put too much strain on his arm,” Mr. Kavinsky finished so smoothly that Finlay almost totally believed him if it weren’t for the shame that’d been on Joseph’s face. Gratitude and relief made Joseph’s face light up as he stared at his father. Finlay would love to know what the hell they were hiding.

And by the look on Mrs. K’s face, so would she.

“Where the fuck were you that he got up by himself?”

“Can you not talk about me like I’m not here?”

She completely ignored Joseph. “Where were you, Ivo.”

Resting his arm on his drawn up knee, Mr. Kavinsky shrugged like everything was chill. To Finlay, everything was not chill being that he had both a melting shake and cold food. Jesus. He didn’t think he’d be walking into a shit show. “Dr. Cho left early-”

“Your ass shouldn’t have left the chair by the door.”

“I was counting my time. I went to the café-”

“You couldn’t possibly need coffee that bad.”

If this was beautiful love to Joseph, he was fucking delusional. The hate in this room was stifling as fuck. “I was counting my time. I didn’t know she’d leave early-”

“It doesn’t matter if you did or didn’t!” she snapped, the anger wiping away her exhaustion like it was nothing. She looked ready to tackle her husband and beat him to a fucking pulpy mess. “You weren’t supposed to move! You don’t leave him alone! You come here wanting to play father again then goddamn act like one!”

“Mayko,” Joseph whispered, almost sounding afraid to interrupt her making Finlay wonder how many times Joseph used the interruption tactic in his life to keep his parents from each other’s throats. Beautiful love? Yeah, Finlay wasn’t seeing the proof.

Either not hearing him over the roar of her anger or just ignoring him once more, Mrs. Kavinsky continued “You had one fucking job which was to plant your ass in that chair and stay put until the doctor was finished. One. That’s it.”

“I was only gone for barely even five minutes.”

“Yeah, well, in those five minutes he could’ve killed himself.”

Well then. She sure knew how to just…

“I’ve gone through this four times now, Ivo. Four. If it kills me, there’s not going to be a fifth.” Mrs. Kavinsky pointed at her husband with a long dangerous finger, “I have gone through this four times because of you. Because of your ignorance and intolerance, and I am not going to again. If it kills me, this boy is going to grow the fuck up into everything he wanted to fucking be. The worst mistake I ever did was go back to you the first time.”

Finlay didn’t know what that meant but Mr. K sure did because he froze, his eyes going wide like he couldn’t even comprehend what she was saying. It only lasted a second, however, as his body tensed, ready to snap something. But whatever it was never came out because he stopped mid speech and clamped his mouth shut before getting up and walking out, slamming the door behind himself.

“You’re being mean,” Joseph said in such a small soft tone that Finlay just wanted to hug the life out of him. “Stop.” Mrs. K let out a ragged sigh as she set her face in her palms. “I don’t like it.”

“No?” she laughed, keeping her head in her hands. “You don’t think he deserves a little meanness? Or was I just supposed to welcome him with open arms?”

“If he and I have settled our differences, then you shouldn’t be angry anymore.”

“You make it sound so simple. ‘Settled our differences.’ As if life didn’t just flip upside down because of him. As if he didn’t make us the mess we are or isn’t the reason he’s a freaking walking zombie.”

Yeah, Finlay had wondered if she’d known that.

Obviously, she now wondered if he’d known that because her head flew up as she stared at him with eyes that were as wide as Mr. Kavinsky’s had been only a moment ago. “I mean-”

“He knows,” Joseph whispered, biting his lip and staring down at the corner of the blanket he’d wrinkled to death with his fiddling. “He knows all of it.”

Mrs. K nodded slowly, “It wasn’t a firework, was it?”

Way to put him on the spot. “Beats me,” he answered with a shrug as he took out a cold fry. “I’m sure dragon fireworks exist somewhere in this world. Like here in Henrietta for example.”

“Fuck,” Joseph muttered, giving Finlay a weird look that he didn’t understand at all. “We gotta track her down.”

“Who?”

“Diana.”

“Who the fuck is Diana?”

“The dragon. She’s Diana from up,” he tapped his head “here. She’s been with me since I was little. We were technically supposed to kill each other.” He laughed and snorted “She failed. I should probs fire her or something. Goddamn. You give a person one job and nothing.”

Diana. The dragon. Lovely. Diana the dragon who was apparently flying around and probably burning shit to the ground while she was at it. “How exactly am I supposed to track down a fucking dragon that’s not supposed to exist?”

Joseph shrugged like this wasn’t huge news that they should all be panicking about. “Dream things are technically all connected and have this specific feel to them. You wouldn’t know the vibe though so…” Biting his nail as he thought, Joseph tapped his finger on his thigh. “I mean…I guess we can let her be until I get out of here. What can she do in another week that she hasn’t already done in this one, right?”

There was a real life fire dragon somewhere in Virginia and Joseph was being totally chill about it.

His love was a freak.

But he was Finlay’s freak.

“I…guess?” Finlay replied, not really sure what else he could say. This was all new to him and if he hadn’t seen it all with his own eyes, he wouldn’t believe an inch of it.

At all.

“Oh!” Joseph exclaimed, looking particularly pleased. “You and my dad can find her!”

“No way,” Finlay said quickly because no way, no how, was he getting in a car alone with a fucking mobster. No. Fucking. Way. Nope. “Not happening. He creeps the fuck out of me, man! He’s a mobster who kills people and you want me to get in a car with him? Alone?”

Joseph looked ready to burst with laughter, his face turning bright red as his lips trembled from holding it in. “It’s not like he’s killing you! You guys are supposed to help each other out! You know Henrietta and he kinda sorta not really knows dream shit! Plus, he won’t kill my maybe possible boyfriend. Trust me. He’s all into the ‘make Joseph happy’ mode.”

Mrs. K snorted.

“He is. Yesterday, he told me I’m gay and that’s a beautiful thing.” Mrs. Kavinsky stared at Joseph like he had five heads. Not two. Not three. _Five._ “Gay and beautiful, mayko. And he gave his blessing for me and Finlay. If that’s not progress, I don’t know what is. I think it’s a start. He may be dead already but, hey, at least he’s trying to fix shit, yeah?”

“We have his blessing?” Finlay murmured in surprise. This was good news, wasn’t it? Joseph had had trouble being with Finlay because of all the homophobia Mr. K had built around and in Joseph. But if his father was saying it was cool… “Fuck.” Looking up at his love with hopeful eyes, Finlay asked “Can I ask you out again then? This time with you saying ‘yes,’ obviously.”

Joseph had to have known that this was eventually coming but even then, he blushed at bit the corner of his lip, not meeting Finlay’s eyes. “I said I was keeping you,” Joseph whispered. “Remember?”

Trying not to let his excitement get the best of him, Finlay got up and held Joseph’s hand in his while catching those elusive eyes with his own. “Joseph, will you go out with me? Like for real?”

It was like Joseph was searching his eyes for something, still gnawing on his poor abused lip. He leaned in close, their lips practically brushing against one another with Finlay now extremely conscious of the fact that Mrs. Kavinsky was watching them like a fucking hawk.

Embarrassing.

But he had no intentions of losing this moment.

“This queen is pretty high maintenance,” Joseph whispered against Finlay’s lips. “Extremely, actually. And gets in nasty moods a shit ton and might throw stuff in one of them.”

“Just means that my queen is a bit frustrated, not that he hates me.”

With a bright beautiful smile, Joseph laughed “Well, there’s a high chance you’ll hear that in your queen’s anger too.”

“I know he doesn’t mean it. So? Will the queen take his secret lover?”

“Bitch,” Joseph said so softly that it barely made it passed his lips, “this queen already owns his secret lover. The question is, is the secret lover ready for one hell of a headache?”

“You know me,” Finlay laughed, already remembering the beauty of being this close to Joseph, “I always accept a challenge.”

“Good, because I’m one hell of a one.”

Finlay wasn’t sure, but he thought he might’ve heard the door closing, leaving them in an empty room as their lips met, reuniting after way too long.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Enjoy peeps
> 
> _“Newsflash, you stupid bitch, your kid tried to burn himself alive because of you!”_

Blake was terrified. Terrified because he’d never been in this sort of situation where a friend tried to actively die. Terrified because he was bad with hospitals. Terrified because he was squeamish and it might show on his face. And, of course, terrified because there was a high chance he’d run into Joseph’s father.

Thee mobster.

“He’s been wanting Isha to come but he has summer class still,” Jiang continued as though Blake hadn’t even heard the beginning of the conversation. “Plus, Isha isn’t a fan of hospitals so he says he’ll wait ‘til K gets out.”

Blake had wanted to wait but as one of the crew, he’d look terrible if he didn’t show up for his boy. “Uhuh.”

The elevator dinged for the floor they needed and they stepped out, side by side. Jiang seemed at ease, his hands stuffed in his pockets but Blake was ready for a panic attack as he clutched his present to his chest. He’d had no idea what the fuck to buy for him but he knew that he had to. He couldn’t be the one showing up with empty hands like an idiot.

His gift was something he knew Kavinsky would like, Blake just hoped it wasn’t just…bleh.

“Oh,” Jiang added as they turned down the hall, “and just call him Joseph if you say his name. Instead of K or Kavinsky. Especially in front of his parents.”

“Why?”

“Feels weird,” Jiang replied with a shrug. “Just stick with…ew.”

Blake gave Jiang and his whisper a weird glance before turning to see if he could figure out what was ew. “I guess the chances of them not being here was slim, huh?” Jiang nodded with a sigh, leading them along to where K’s parents sat outside the room.

They didn’t look too happy.

“Hola,” Jiang said with a wave, sounding uber super confident. If it weren’t for the pinkie twitch, Blake might’ve believed his false confidence. “Party outside today?”

The woman who had to be Kav- _Joseph’s_ mother looked up from the floor at them, putting on a delightful smile. It bothered Blake that all the guys had met Joseph’s mother before and he hadn’t. He was always last for _everything_. “Something like that.” Her eyes landed on Blake and he didn’t know why but she was looking at him kind of weird. “I don’t think we’ve met?”

Her words caught the attention of the man beside her who picked up his own head to look at them. This man was without a doubt Kavin- Joseph’s father. They weren’t carbon copies but they sure shared a lot of similarities. “You are?”

Joseph’s father was talking to him. The mobster. Dear Lord, help him. Blake knew his eyes went stupidly wide and then he knew he was taking way too long to answer once Jiang elbowed him. Hard. “Ow,” Blake muttered, rubbing his ribs and giving Jiang a glare that wasn’t even close to effective. “Um, I, um, I’m, Skov. I mean, Blake. Blake Skovron.” God, he couldn’t even give his name to this man. What if he used it for illegal means? As an alias, ruining Blake’s entire life? He’d have to get a new name, new social, new identity even. “Yeah. Um, hi. I, uh…”

“Oh for…” Jiang groaned, rubbing his face before whacking Blake in the head. “Dumbass, where’s your voice? You seriously that scared of that piece of crap?” Blake’s eyes turned even larger as he darted a panicked glance at the idiot beside him. “Oh my God you are, aren’t you?”

“You don’t call mobsters names!” Blake whisper-shouted even though, obviously, it didn’t matter because he was literally right next to Joseph’s dad. “They can kill you without anyone knowing.”

“Man, Joseph’s gonna laugh at you so bad when I tell him!”

“No, don’t tell him! Are you nuts? He’ll mock me for weeks!”

“Exactly!”

“What are you dumbasses yelling about?”

They both turned to Swan who was sticking his head out of the room. “Aw, hey, baby!” Jiang laughed with a wave. Looping an arm around Blake’s shoulders and bringing him in close, he pointed at him and explained “Pup’s afraid of the papa.”

Blake’s face flared. He felt like he was in the middle of a damn hot flash. “I am not!” Mr. Kavinsky raised an eyebrow, looking amused as hell. “Okay, only a little! Mobsters are illegal bad people, alright?”

“Your dad does insider trading and shady business,” Jiang supplied cheekily. “Pretty sure that’s illegal-”

“Ssshhhhh!”

“He’s a mobster! You think he cares about illegal shit? Hell, he’ll probably want to go into business with your dad.”

“Doubt it,” Mr. Kavinsky said with a yawn.

“Do you by any chance…” Mrs. K started, giving him a curious once over, “maybe…have a brother?”

Huh…how’d she know? “Um, yeah, actually. _Brothers._ I’m the youngest. Why?”

“Is…one of them named Liam?”

Blake blushed, he couldn’t help it, because his mother had ingrained it so hard in him that Liam wasn’t supposed to be called a brother. “My half-brother. Uh, mistress’ child, y’know?”

“Mama, I want to talk to you for a minute,” a woman with a booming yet hearty voice called as she walked over to them. The woman’s face lit up for God knew what reason when she looked at Blake. “Oh hello, sweetheart! How are you?”

Jiang and Swan were each giving him a look that Blake knew was mirrored on his own face. He sure as hell didn’t know this woman. “Uh…hi? I’m sorry, I don’t-”

“My baby girl Eva, you know her?” Blake felt embarrassed by the fact that he had to shake his head to the negative. “She’s Liam’s girlfriend, dear.”

“I’m sorry, I’ve only met Liam…once.” A voice called out something, a voice that sounded particularly like Kavin- _goddammit,_ Joseph from inside the room where Swan still stood in the doorway. “What?”

Swan turned his head into the room and listened to whatever the words were before sticking his head back out to them and repeated “The girl Proko wanted so bad is the twin of your bro’s girl.”

Blake wondered if anyone had told K about Proko. Had he been curious where he was? They’d been friends before all of them had been.

“Who’s this Proko who be liking one of my babies?” the woman asked, almost accusatory as she nudged Swan to the side and stood in the doorway with her arms crossed. “Baby boy, I swear to God, if you bringing trash to one of my girls, I will beat the gravy out of you.”

“Beat the gravy?” Blake muttered. “Is that a thing?”

“For country people, apparently,” Jiang laughed as a back and forth went between Gwen and Joseph. “We definitely don’t beat the gravy in Philly, just the shit. Maybe even the cream cheese.”

There were days, like this one, where Blake never quite felt like he fit in. He liked to mess around, he even liked to do stupid things, but beating people? Definitely wasn’t Blake’s jam.

Apparently, there was in fact a reason why they still called him Puppy.

“You know Liam?” Blake asked Mrs. K curiously before remembering that before there had been the crew for Joseph, there’d been Liam. “Oh wait, he used to hang out with Joseph. I remember.”

“Ironically, I met him in this hospital when he came to visit Joseph after his first attempt.”

“That’s…not the best way to meet friends.”

Mrs. Kavinsky laughed and Blake couldn’t help but blush. It was such a pretty laugh. Like music even. “No, I don’t think so either. But…” she pointed at Jiang, “I did meet him once. Vaguely. While high. That counts.”

“The sleepover,” Jiang nodded, “where I was threatened when I got crumbs on the floor.”

Jealousy burned in Blake’s heart. He didn’t want to remember the sleepover he hadn’t been invited to, thank you.

She threw her thumb over her shoulder, “And Finlay would come actually a lot. But he was playing fake boyfriend-”

“What.”

Mrs. Kavinsky looked between him and Jiang who was groaning beside him. “What?”

Why did no one _ever_ tell him anything? Did he not get to know? Fake boyfriend? Blake would’ve liked to know about that. Blake would’ve liked to know a lot of things that he was never privy to know. Whacking Jiang in the arm and turning on him, Blake snapped “Why do I _never_ get to know anything? What am I-”

“Chopped liver!” Joseph called from the room, pure amusement in his voice. And while Blake wanted him to be happy and be able to laugh after something so serious, laughing at his expense when his feelings were hurting wasn’t what he’d been thinking. “Delicate? A snowflake? Save it, we know the speech already.”

He was frustrated that he knew that he looked like a pouting baby but Blake couldn’t help but purse his lips and flare his nose as he stalked over to the room, pushing Swan out of the way and squeezing in past the lady. “Yeah, well, if you guys…know…whoa…”

Joseph smiled to him from the bed though Blake had no idea what the hell he thought he was smiling about. He looked…terrible. Bruised, bandaged, exhausted, half-dead, and just…everything. It made Blake feel horrible. His heart was twisting with guilt and pain and those were feelings combined at such a level that he’d never experienced before. He felt so guilty.

Why hadn’t he seen it coming?

“I look like shit, huh?”

“Um, no,” Blake said softly, clutching his wrapped gift to his chest as he walked over, coming to a stop at the foot of the bed. “A bit of a mess but…you look alive and that’s…the best anyone could ask for right now.” K tilted his head, considering the words. “Um, so you cut your hair?”

Blake…wasn’t really a fan. It made him look thinner. Smaller even.

A lot less…alive.

Rubbing his head, Kavinsky snorted “Yeah, it was fucked. Shaved and singed and I was like fuck it. It’ll grow back anyways. What do you think?”

He didn’t like it.

“Looks great.”

“You always were a horrible liar,” Kavinsky laughed, accidently dropping a Beanie baby to the floor. “Tweets, no!”

“For someone who wanted to die, you’re in pretty good spirits,” Blake couldn’t help but say as he walked over to the available chair. The chair was a horrible decision, it seemed, and everyone knew it because they gave him this knowing smirk that meant they’d all suffered the horrors of it. Blake leaned down and picked up the yellow Beanie bird, “Tweets?”

“Man, he bought me the whole fucking display,” Joseph said, reaching out for the bird with his left arm. Blake thought it odd that he’d use the opposite one until he really paid attention to what he was sitting next to. “You know how hard it is to name all of them? Plus, it’s a bird. Birds tweet, man. Gimme.”

Handing over the bird, Blake couldn’t find a way to take his eyes off the boy beside him. A boy he’d always considered so strong and… _powerful_ even. Now he just looked like a lost child in a big bed in a gown that wasn’t his size. It hurt to see him this way. Kavinsky had always been larger than life and now he was reduced to this. “It’d all been a lie, huh.”

K raised an eyebrow at him, cocking his head in confusion after settling down Tweets between all the other plushies surrounding and on him. “What was?”

Blake wished he hadn’t opened his mouth but he’d already started and there was no going back now. K didn’t allow for takebacks. “This. You. Just everythi-”

“What the fuck?” Swan said as he sat down on the cot, glaring at Blake. “What the hell are you saying?”

Swan looked far more offended than Joseph did who was watching him so intensely that Blake almost felt like he was meeting him for the first time. “I just mean that…” he swallowed the lump in his throat so large that it was like an orange “that…it was all like a…persona. Kavinsky. You know?”

“No, I don’t know,” Swan snorted, crossing his arms and seemingly way too offended on K’s behalf. “Elaborate, prodigy.”

They only called him that when they were angry. Blake didn’t understand why Swan was so damn angry though. Turning his focus back on Joseph, Blake said softly “When Sasha wanted us to meet, I was terrified to. I was terrified of you because of all the things built up around you. Then I met you and none of it seemed a lie. And I don’t think they all were, but the truths were hidden so elaborately that they became something new entirely. We’d hang out and I’d like you more and more but I was still afraid of you. Of this boy who was seemingly afraid of nothing.”

Joseph laughed, looking down at his Beanie babies and messing with a cat’s ear. “I’m afraid of everything, Blake. Everything.”

If he’d told him that a week ago, Blake would’ve laughed and pointed out his lying tendencies. But this wasn’t a week ago; this was now. “Up until the Fourth, I still had moments where I was scared of you, you know. Of this boy who played with guns, broke a thousand laws, did dangerous pranks, and proved that holding a knife to someone didn’t bother him. And while some of that has truth to it because I’ve seen it with my own eyes, you were just using them all to hide, weren’t you?”

Not bothering to look away from apparently the most interesting cat ear in the world, Joseph sat there, eating at his lip. Blake waited for him to say _anything_ but nothing came. “You were afraid that if you were just ‘Joseph’ that no one would like you, right?”

“Blake,” Swan warned, his voice hard.

He didn’t spare Swan a glance. “Because people must’ve given ‘Joseph’ a hard time before and you didn’t want that happening again. So you built ‘Kavinsky.’ You built him and lived him and became him at the expense of ‘Joseph.’ The problem with rebuilding is that the foundations will always be there, and you kept building on the shaky ground that was Joseph. But under all that ‘Kavinsky,’ no one could hear when Joseph was screaming.”

Joseph was biting his lip so hard to the point where Blake was sure there was going to be blood while squeezing the life out of that ear in his fist. There was a sniffle and an accompanying wipe of the eye but Blake wasn’t an ass to point them out. “You’ve been screaming for a long time and I don’t think anyone’s been listening. I know I wasn’t because I couldn’t seem to hear you. I simply took you at face value instead of looking a little harder. But I am now. I’m looking and listening and the next time you start calling for help, I’m going to see it and I’m going to help.”

Blake felt like he had twenty pairs of eyes on him and instead of making him uncomfortable, it only made him feel like he could drive his next point even better. “Because no one is supposed to be fighting alone when they’ve got people who care about them. But that’s also on ‘Kavinsky’ because he wouldn’t let anyone help him even when they tried. And now here we are. Here we are and everyone’s probably thinking that this is a bad place to be.”

“Isn’t it,” Joseph, _Joseph_ not Kavinsky, whispered, still staring down. “Fresh off attempt four, Blake. Doesn’t sound like a nice place to end up at.”

Leaning forward, he shoved his squeamish bitch down and set his hand on Joseph’s bandaged one. “Once you hit rock bottom, there’s only one direction left to go, Joseph. That’s up. And maybe up is really really high and far but it’s the only way you can go. You might even tumble a few times, thinking that you’re going back down but that just means that you’re going up again. Kavinsky hit damn Minecraft bedrock,” Joseph let out a broken laugh, wiping his eyes with his one hand, “but that just means Joseph gets to climb up instead.”

“Joseph doesn’t know how to climb anymore, man.”

“No, _Kavinsky_ didn’t know how to climb anymore,” Blake countered. “Joseph is just learning. And step one in climbing is that you never go scaling alone. You always need someone to tie yourself to so you guys can support each other. The good thing about fictional climbing is that you get to have more than one climbing buddy. Fuck the laws of physics here, lemme tell you.”

He thought there might be the vague impression of a smile coming on Joseph’s face. Sticking out his hand for a handshake – the left so Joseph could use his left – Blake smiled at Joseph who gave him and his hand a weird look. “Hi, I’m Blake Skovron. I’m from Nebraska but I came here for school. I’m going to be a senior this year and I want to go to uni after to study software engineering. Nice to meet you.”

Still looking confused as fuck, Joseph took the hand and shook it. “Um…I’m Joseph Kavinsky. I’m…I’m from New Jersey and I…came here for school too. I’m also going to be a senior even though I should’ve graduated this year. But I was held back a grade in elementary school.”

Blake hadn’t even known that.

“I…I think…that I want to maybe go to university for mechanical engineering and…maybe…maybe pre-vet if I can manage it.”

Never in their years of knowing each other had Blake _ever_ known about Joseph wanting to be a vet.

“Um…nice to meet you. And um…I…” Joseph gnawed on his lip once more, looking almost afraid to say whatever it was out loud. “I. Fuck.” Looking Blake straight in the eye while pretty much killing his hand, Joseph announced something Blake never saw coming.

Never.

“I’m gay. And that asshole is my boyfriend.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> merp  
> Enjoy
> 
> _"I’m sorry you’re so insecure in your few hour relationship that you feel the need to prove something.”_

Of all the things he said, it was the last one that made Blake’s jaw drop.

Literally.

In three…two…one…

“Why does no one ever _ever_ tell me anything!” Blake snapped, but not at Joseph, more at the general public as he flew to his feet and glared with his flushed face at Finlay. Joseph wasn’t sure why he was glaring at him in particular but okay. “What am I?”

“I swear to God if you say chopped liver,” Joseph started, trying hard not to laugh. He’d…he’d come out and Blake wasn’t bothered by it. Joseph had actually _come out_ to someone after all these years.

He’d done it.

Groaning into his hands, Blake stood there for a moment, inhaling and exhaling so loudly that Joseph, Finlay, and Jiang just stared at him, waiting for the outburst that was to come. They waited as he gritted his teeth and they waited as he groaned again and they even waited as he nearly pulled out his surprisingly un-gelled hair. Jiang got tired of waiting any longer than that, however. “So…in case you weren’t aware…we just wanted to let you know that Joseph’s gay and him and Swan are going out.”

Way to add fuel to the fire.

“Dumbass,” Joseph sighed because his day had been way too fucking long and he wasn’t up to this shit. He really wasn’t. He was tired and pretty sure he wanted a nap and…maybe go to the bathroom? Joseph wasn’t actually sure.

“That’s not funny,” Skov snorted, interrupting Joseph’s musings of his bladder. “Everyone knows, even if we tried to ignore, that K is an annoying homophobic bastard. Do I look like an idiot to you?”

Had he really been that bad? That hateful?

Who was he kidding.

Of course he had.

Fuck, did he or didn’t he need to pee? Joseph was like…sixty percent sure that he needed to go. But what the fuck was sixty? But then…what if he had another accident? Right here in bed?

Right here in front of the guys?

“At the moment, yes, yes you do,” Jiang said with his almighty ‘I’m smarter than thou’ smirk. “Because…dun dun dun, drumroll…”

No one bothered with a drumroll.

“You fuckers,” Jiang muttered in annoyance, giving them each a glare before focusing back on Skov, “Joseph is gay and him and Swan are going out now.”

“We’ve been official for a couple hours,” Finlay added, looking ready to burst from joy. His beautiful eyes were sparkling and his grin was huge. “Like official official.”

“Shit fuck! No joke?” Finlay nodded to which Jiang patted him on the back. “Niiiice. We need celebratory-”

“I need to piss,” Joseph cut in because now he was eighty percent sure and that sounded like a high enough percent to make him panic. He refused to have an accident in bed like a child. He extremely refused to have it front of the guys and there was no way in fucking hell he’d ever let Finlay see him like that. Who’d want a bitch who couldn’t hold it in? “Like now.”

He didn’t know if he was annoyed or flattered that Finlay immediately jumped to his feet and stared at Joseph with such loving earnest eyes. “Do you want me to help you walk? Are you allowed to get up though? Did they remove the bag and catheter?”

“Yo, dude, don’t talk about catheters,” Jiang mumbled and if Joseph wasn’t on the verge of a panic attack with his heart ready to burst from his chest, he’d laugh at the blush on his cheeks. “Ew.”

“Um, yeah, earlier and no…I can do it fine.”

Big talk from a guy who fell and peed on himself a little while ago.

Finlay hardly seemed convinced. “Are you sure? You haven’t been out of bed yet so your legs-”

“I’m fine!” he snapped causing hurt to flash across his…boyfriend’s face.

Fuck.

He hadn’t been able to think that in years.

Shit was about to get real now, wasn’t it?

Holy.

Fuck.

“I’m fine,” Joseph repeated in a softer tone because Finlay only wanted to help and Joseph knew he shouldn’t get mad at him for that. “Really. Thank you though.”

The softer words eased some of the distress but Joseph hated that he could still see traces of it. He was never really good boyfriend material and yet here he was wanting to try it all over again. Maybe he was insane to the core. “Okay. But know that if I see just a wobble, I’m carrying you.”

“Bridal style,” Jiang added with a laugh.

“Idiots,” Joseph sighed though he hardly meant it. Lord did he love these idiots of his. Pushing Finlay – unsuccessfully – to the side, Joseph pushed off the blanket and carefully swung his feet off the bed. How hard could it be? It was just walking to the bathroom a couple feet away.

But he’d already failed once.

That was then, this was now. He could do this.

Fixing his IV pole, Joseph very carefully set down one foot at a time until he was standing. He couldn’t help but smile at being able to stand straight and not feel any pain or dizziness. But that was standing and he needed to walk and once he got moving at his repeated snail pace, the pain slammed into him like a linebacker.

He refused to voice a sound.

“I really think I should help,” Finlay said, probably catching every tremble running through Joseph’s pained frame. “Joseph-”

“I’m fine,” he replied through gritted teeth, feeling like he was engulfed in Diana’s flames with every step. “Fine, really. You guys worry-”

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

Joseph stumbled and had Finlay not been right behind him, it would’ve ended ugly like last time with popped blisters and severe pain. Blinking at his father in surprise, Joseph tried to explain the horrible pressure taking place in his bladder right this moment but his tongue was stuck on the words. “I…um…”

“Bathroom,” Finlay clarified as Joseph’s father literally gave Finlay a death glare as he took over as the support beam. “He needs the bathroom.”

From the clench of his father’s jaw, Joseph knew there were words brewing, ready to burst forth. But instead of saying them, he dragged Joseph to the bathroom and helped him sit before walking out.

He had a feeling his bae was about to get chewed out.

* * *

“Are you out of your damn mind?” Ivo snapped, wishing that his voice wasn’t so damn loud for Joseph to hear. “How fucking stupid are you idiots?”

The blonde kid quite literally flinched and tried to shrink into the evil chair but Jiang glared at him with defiant eyes as if he wanted Ivo to explain who he thought he was to come yelling all up in here. On the bright side, Finlay at least looked slightly ashamed. “He said he had to go, I told him I’ll help but he just got annoyed-”

“He’s Joseph. He gets annoyed by anything that isn’t an animal or a car.”

“There’ve never been truer words,” Jiang laughed though it was an odd laugh. Oddly familiar actually. It was like when someone Ivo wanted to kill made a joke and the joke was actually funny so he had no choice but to laugh. “I wonder if he’ll give you any slack, huh, Fin?”

“You did not just ‘Fin’ me.”

“Stop,” Ivo interrupted as Joseph flushed the toilet. He needed to chew these idiots out before dragging his son back into bed and chewing him out too. “What exactly made any of you think that he could get up and walk by himself?”

“I told you,” Finlay said, his tone turning stiffer with every word, “I tried to help but he wouldn’t let me-”

“You don’t give him the option. He’s been conscious for barely a couple days, dimwit. He has burns on one of his feet and you actually think he can walk? I thought you’re supposed to be smart?”

A fire flared in Finlay’s eyes and Ivo had a feeling that this was who he was when he wasn’t a devoted caring mother duck/lover. The bathroom door opened and Ivo rolled his eyes as harshly as he ever possibly could before helping Joseph back to bed. Once he was sure that his son was comfy, he flicked him on the nose and said “How fucking stupid are you?”

“I had to go piss.”

“Lovely,” Ivo snorted, switching to Bulgarian because he knew Joseph wouldn’t want anyone hearing his next words. “And what if, dear Joseph, you’d fallen again? Let’s not even think about the burns for a moment.” Shame covered Joseph’s face as he turned away, not meeting Ivo’s eyes. “It was an accident and that’s okay, but dammit, brat, setting yourself up for another one is just damn stupid and you know it. Stop trying to act so strong for a moment and let us help you.”

“I shouldn’t need someone to help me to the bathroom,” Joseph whispered in their mother tongue. “That’d just make me a thousand times more pathetic than I already am.”

Sighing, Ivo replied “Brat, you’re in a hospital. You’re going to need help with a lot of things and that’s perfectly okay. That’s what we’re here for. What the nurses are here for. You think I was up and running to the bathroom when my knee was ruined? When I’d been shot the fifty thousand times in my life?” A small corner of Joseph’s mouth curled up. “People are supposed to need help here and that’s okay. That’s what we’re all here for.”

“Can you people speak in a way that everyone else can understand?” Jiang muttered sullenly, crossing his arms. “I can’t understand a word. It sounds like gibberish, what the fuck.”

“If I wanted you to understand,” Ivo said, making sure he sounded as terrifying as possible without crossing a certain line. Like…psychopath scary. But charming. With charisma. “I would’ve spoken in English, don’t you think? Not every conversation is for your ears.”

“Yeah, well you can’t just come around here after years and act like you know shit,” Jiang practically snapped and Ivo had to give him credit for being able to hold in his temper like that. Ivo had been losing his touch little by little the last year. “You can’t just-just stuff yourself in-”

“I’m his father, I’m pretty sure that I can.”

“You’re the reason he’s like this!” Jiang shouted, gesturing harshly at Joseph with both hands. Like he threw his arms all in that direction. Ivo straightened and crossed his arms, cocking his head to the side as he did. “Newsflash, you stupid bitch, your kid tried to burn himself alive because of you!”

“Jiang,” Joseph snapped, a fire Ivo hadn’t seen in years flaring in his eyes, “watch it.”

“No, no I won’t, okay? Just because you forgive him or whatever, doesn’t mean I do. Has he seen you at a fucking low like I have?” Ivo, of course, has but he couldn’t help but wonder how much worse Joseph’s lows were now. “Has he seen what the hell you do to your arms and thighs? Because I have! You think we’re blind? We’re not, dumbass! I just didn’t know I cared enough until you tried to kill yourself! Until you were practically knocking on death’s door! Finlay didn’t know he cared enough until he found you holding a gun to your head!”

Gun?

“We’ve all got damn issues,” Jiang continued, red faced and looking ready to poke someone’s eyes out, “okay, we all do and some people’s are harder than everyone else’s. I get it. But you don’t just fucking forgive that piece of shit for ruining your life just because he showed up. Because he says nice things and…and hugs you or whatever.” Looking exhausted as though his words had drained him, Jiang murmured “Goddammit, man, you’re worth more than that. I know it. Finlay knows it. Dumbass Skov over here knows it.”

“Hey,” the little blonde said in a wounded tone.

“We know it. Now you just need to know it. Learn it. Feel it.”

“Get out,” Joseph interrupted with soft voice. “I want you to get out.”

Jiang shook his head, snorting in harsh contempt. “Yeah, typical you, right? You don’t like what people say so you-”

“Get. Out.”

“You gonna make me?”

“Jiang,” Skov whispered with wide eyes. “Don’t push, man.”

“I’m gonna fucking push until-”

“GET OUT!”

Even Ivo could admit he’d never heard Joseph yell so loud in his life. Ever. It was scary how much he sounded like him when he couldn’t hold his temper anymore. “Joseph,” Ivo began, only wanting to calm him because having him stress was a bad idea.

He whirled on Ivo in a second, an accusing angry finger joining the fire in his eyes. Moving that quickly must’ve caused him pain because his mouth tensed and stressed. “Don’t…don’t talk to me like I’m some fucking inept stupid-”

“I am talking to you like someone who needs-”

“You don’t know what I need! How the fuck would you know, Ivo? Huh? You haven’t seen me in years! Remember? You threw me out for being a fag!”

Oh boy. Jiang had opened a door and now everyone was about to get sucked into the hate and contempt of it.

Yay.

“You beat me so bad that I had trouble moving for _weeks_. What the hell do you think you could possibly even know about what I need? Your bitch barely does on a good day!”

His bitch? Excuse this rude piece of shit. Resisting the urge to grab Joseph’s wrist because there was no hair and he was above all that now anyways, Ivo leaned in close, looming over Joseph as he hissed “You do not _ever_ speak that way about your mother. Ever, Joseph Kavinsky. Do you understand?” Joseph opened his mouth, probably to spew more garbage but Ivo wasn’t done. “She has devoted her entire fucking life for you. To you and your health and your future. And you have the fucking nerve to sit here and call her a bitch, you piece of shit?”

He didn’t know if what Joseph had said registered in his mind at that was what made his eyes go wide with so many mixed emotions or if it was because of Ivo disciplining him after so many years.

“Check your mouth and check your fucking attitude and stop acting like a spoiled brat who can’t get his way. You should be kissing the goddamn ground she walks on. She’s not perfect because no one is but you’re fucking blessed to even have her. Blessed, Joseph.”

There were tears in Joseph’s eyes and any other time, Ivo would have felt bad but he didn’t right now. Vesela literally did everything and anything for Joseph, sometimes to the expense of her own health and wellbeing, and yet he had the nerve to sit here and badmouth her like she was nothing. “I-I know that.”

“Good, then don’t fucking forget it. You’re frustrated, fine, but you don’t get to take it out on the world.”

Ivo had learned that the hard way over the years.

Downcast and dropping his head to stare at where he crinkled the edge of the hospital blanket between his fingers, Joseph whispered “Sorry.”

Four years later and Joseph hadn’t changed. Ivo was both comforted and disturbed by that fact. It was good that Joseph was so forgiving and shit but, Jesus, he didn’t want his kid to get walked all over because his conscience took things harder than everyone else’s. For all Ivo knew, Finlay had a strong ass personality that could trump even Joseph’s difficult one.

He was so not letting his kid be in a relationship that he felt wasn’t fitting.

That reminded him of something he still needed to do.

“Don’t be sorry,” Ivo sighed, straightening and plopping onto the cot because his leg as killing him. It was getting worse with the years but he’d never complain because he knew that as bad as his was, Yulian’s was getting worse by the second. “I mean, be sorry for what you said but I don’t want you feeling that you have to apologize for being frustrated. You’re in a tough place and we all get that but yelling at us doesn’t help.”

Picking at his nails, Joseph just nodded, still not meeting anyone’s eyes. Jiang softly pressed his fist to the side of Joseph’s head and said “I’m a shit for yelling at you and sticking my ass in business that’s not mine.”

“That as close as you can get to a sorry?” Joseph replied, his voice so soft that it bordered a whisper. But he sounded amused so Ivo took that as a good thing. He needed to discipline but he was afraid to being that their relationship was barely standing.

But it looked like he’d taught a good lesson today.

Win for him.

Now onto his next order of business.

Snapping his fingers at Finlay who jumped in surprise, Ivo nodded his head in the direction of the door for him to follow.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> I don't remember if I said this but Ramadan Kareem to my fellow muslims!! Also, I swear I have Snapshots in the works and they're coming
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> _"Also, you know, he’s your queen or whatever.”_

He couldn’t kill him in the middle of a hospital, could he?

Pft, no, he shouldn’t think so ridiculously. Threaten him, maybe, but he wasn’t going to kill him. Not here.

Maybe outside though.

Mr. Kavinsky patted the spot beside him on the bench he’d sat down on. This was good; no killing or even assault could take place right here. “Let’s chat.”

Personally, Finlay would prefer they didn’t. He’d chat with Mrs. Kavinsky any day but with this man? No fucking thank you. “Yeah, sure,” he said, him and his smile big ass liars as he sat down beside a possibly extremely dangerous man. Actually just extremely dangerous, not possibly. “What’s up?”

‘What’s up’ wasn’t rude sounding was it? He’d noticed that Joseph’s father was a stickler about manners. Ironic, really.

“Let it be noted that I have no fucking idea how to do talks like these-”

Finlay had a feeling he knew what was coming. He had to say, he’d never been on the receiving end of one of these talks so this was new for the both of them.

“-but I’m pretty sure it needs to be done.”

“We could skip it,” Finlay offered, trying to act like a totally cool cucumber. He watched once that showing a weakness, even just an itch in your eye, meant it was all over. Mobsters, gangsters, and that whole ‘group’ caught and registered each and everything that you and your body did. “We…understand each other?”

Hopefully?

“Do we?” Mr. Kavinsky asked, partially turning his body to face Finlay, resting a foot on the opposite knee. “I don’t think we do, actually. Don’t be a coward now, I expect better of you.”

Finlay blushed, raising his nail to bite on it before catching himself and sitting on his hand. Mr. K caught the movement easily and Finlay groaned, covering his face. So much for not showing weaknesses. “Can you not look at me like that?”

“I’m…literally just…looking at you. Not in any particular way.”

Taking a deep breath and doing this for his now official boyfriend, Finlay lowered his hands and put on his tough guy face. “Okay, you’re right, we should probably talk. I want to start though.”

Mr. K shrugged. “Fair enough. Shoot.”

“You’re a mobster.” Finlay started, lowering his voice on the last word just in case, “that’s not up for debate.” Joseph’s father nodded, looking entirely chill. “Okay. You scare the crap out of me. That’s also not up for debate.”

Looking confused, Mr. Kavinsky said “I feel like I’ve only been polite though? What’s there to be scared of? I’m pretty sure I’ve been nice except like…two minutes ago and even then, I didn’t chew you out as much as I wanted to.”

Just him calling him an idiot and stupid was enough to give Finlay the shivers which, really, was kind of sad. He’d faced a lot in life and yet he wasn’t able to face this man. Glancing around and lowering his voice, Finlay replied “Dude, you kill people.”

Shit.

“I mean, sir, you kill people.”

“They’ve all deserved it though.”

“That’s not the point!” he whisper-shouted though his heart wanted him to shout it properly. “You can’t just…just kill people! And I’m sure a lot of them have been tortured too.” Mr. K shrugged like ‘yeah, so?’ “Look, I’m not an innocent or haven’t seen the uglies of the world but…your profession makes me extremely uncomfortable.”

“Fair enough,” Mr. Kavinsky acknowledged, nodding slowly like he was considering what was said, “but you have nothing to worry about unless you break my child and then I break you into millions of little pieces and scattered you across the US to make sure you’re never found.” He smiled, and it was terrifying how charming it was. “No worries, Finlay.”

Finlay didn’t want to show it but he knew his eyes screamed his terror as they went wide. He was joking, right? He had to be. But what if he wasn’t? Finlay didn’t want to die that way. Would he cut him up before or after killing him? Or mayb-

Mr. Kavinsky burst into laughter, his upraised foot falling to the floor as he covered his face with his hands and leaned back onto the wall. Laughing. Laughing and- “Fuck, you’re mocking me, aren’t you?” He kept on laughing, his amusement so loud and, hell, charming, that anyone in the hall paused to stare. Without even thinking, Finlay whacked him in his arm and snapped “You’re not funny. Stop.”

Oh fucking hell.

“Are you gonna panic for hitting me now?” Mr. Kavinsky laughed, his face so red he looked ready to burst. “You’re too easy!”

He was literally sitting here and making fun of Finlay’s fears as if they were unwarranted. “Yeah, well, you’re not funny, so there,” he muttered, crossing his arms and looking away from the annoying man-child. “No one’s laughing.”

“I am,” Mr. Kavinsky snorted, his laughs done but his amusement not even close to finished. “Jesus Christ, kid, you make this so easy. But seriously though, you fuck up my kid, I fuck you up. Easy, right?”

“What if we just break up? You’re being unreasonable.”

Mr. K rolled his eyes. “I said if you fuck him up. Like maybe you’re actually an asshole who treats him like shit-”

As fucking if.

“-or maybe you cheat on him-”

Seriously?

“-or God knows what else. Then I fuck you up. You guys find out you guys aren’t right for each other? Fine, move on. That’s okay.” Snapping his fingers like he remembered something, he poked Finlay until he turned to meet his eyes. Jesus, those eyes screamed power. “No premarital sex. I’ll cut your dick off.”

He would not cup his dick in fear. No. “I’m pretty sure that’s our choice.” Finlay was also pretty sure there was no sex in their future for a _long_ time. “Not yours.”

“Too bad for you I’m making the executive choice, huh?”

“Plus, that’s ridiculous anyways,” Finlay snorted, slightly offended. Not because he was in a rush for sex or anything but how was it okay for Joseph to have sex with all those girls? He didn’t even remember their names. “Joseph is so far from a blushing virgin, sir. So far. Those girls are not better than me. I’m actually his boyfriend; they were just there.”

“You sound jealous.”

Did he? Maybe he did. He didn’t like being denied when other people hadn’t been. Other people Joseph hadn’t even liked. “I’m just saying that we get to decide. That’s all. Saying no pre-marriage sex doesn’t make you a saint, man. You got a list of sins in there.”

“A-fucking-men,” Mr. K laughed. “It’s no secret I’m going to hell, kid. Don’t worry. At least…” he looked confused for a moment “I think I will?”

“Do people who’re already dead go to hell?” Finlay couldn’t help but wonder softly.

“Yeah, see, I don’t get it either,” Mr. Kavinsky murmured, rubbing his jaw as he stared absently out at the opposing wall. His head suddenly turned and stared at Finlay in surprise, “You know?”

“I know a lot, sir. That’s probably the only reason he’s going out with me.”

Well, hopefully not. Did Joseph find him attractive? He had to, didn’t he? Joseph wasn’t Finlay’s typical type – he actually preferred cute little twinks – but he still found Joseph nice to look at. Did Joseph find him nice to look at? Was he his type? What even was his type? He knew Jiang wasn’t Joseph’s type of guy but why not? Jiang was pretty handsome.

Mr. K nodded, thinking hard if the scrunch of his forehead was anything to go by. “Then…it wouldn’t be a stretch to say…that you know sex probably isn’t coming anytime soon.”

Hadn’t they just gone over-

Oh.

Staring down at his hands where his fingers were tearing at the little skins around his nails, Finlay murmured “I’ve put plenty of clues together, yeah. But, I mean…if everything goes good with that therapist then…that’s all that matters. That he gets better. He has…issues because of a lot of things but…this one’s one of the bigger ones, I think. Affected him in ways that maybe a person wouldn’t notice or understand until they look a little harder.”

“And you can handle that? I don’t mean this in any sort of way but Joseph isn’t easy. Add on the shitty years he’s lived here-”

“Sir, I don’t think you get to make judgements on Joseph’s well-being.”

“Excuse me?”

Giving in to the urge to bite his nail, he explained “I hate to break it to you, but I don’t think you understand your son-”

“You have the fucking nerve,” Mr. Kavinsky started, an angry light in his eyes and the downturn of the corner of his mouth freaking Finlay the fuck out, “to act like you know _my_ child better than me? Lover boy, what the hell do you think you even understand about him? You probably barely even know anything about him to even begin to understand-”

“Yeah, well, pops man, you have a lot of nerve to act like you know anything either,” Finlay snapped and he knew he shouldn’t and he knew he needed to hold his temper but he wasn’t going to listen to this bullshit. “You haven’t seen him in years, haven’t talked to him, know nothing about what he’s been through, so you don’t get to come all up in here acting like you know anything. You don’t. Jiang’s not wrong when he says half the shit’s your fault. What the hell do you even think you know about him, huh?”

Joseph’s father was staring at him like he was stupid. “You actually think you know Joseph better than me?”

“I think I know him almost as well as your wife does.”

Snorting and rolling his eyes, Mr. Kavinsky replied “No one in this world can compete with Vesela, lover boy. Not a chance. Even Joseph himself can’t. Vesela knows more about him than me, you, and Joseph combined. As well as Vesela, my ass.”

“I actually said ‘your wife.’”

“Don’t be a smartass. And watch your damn tone while you’re at it.”

Finlay ground his jaw at this man his superiority complex. “I really don’t like you.”

Mr. Kavinsky shrugged, not caring at all. “Not a lot of people do. I’m an exotic flavor.”

“No, you’re just a piece of shit.”

“Watch yourself, Finlay,” Mr. K said, that stern tone he’d used for Joseph moments ago singeing his words. “There’s only so far you can push that disrespect. Push it too far and we have a problem.”

“Yeah?” Finlay snorted, acting way more confident than he was feeling. Inside, he was literally trembling like a fucking leaf. “No offense, but I’m pretty sure Joseph would pick me over you any day.”

“Your confidence is cute, if wrong, but if it makes you feel better, go for it.”

This bastard couldn’t possibly know that. Finlay was like…eighty percent sure he’d win in Joseph’s eyes. But…he wasn’t positive. And that bothered him. What if Joseph really would pick this garbage over him? “You haven’t been around him in years; you’re not as important as you think you are. Even Mrs. K doesn’t want you here and she loves you. Joseph loves you but he also hates you. He really likes me and even if it’s not love yet, but that still sounds better than hate, don’t you think?”

With a smirk and pulling his leg up onto the bench so his arm rested atop his upraised knee as he stared at a nurse passing by, Mr. Kavinsky said “It’s not a competition, lover boy. I’m sorry you’re so insecure in your few hour relationship that you feel the need to prove something.”

He wanted to punch him. He wanted to and he knew that if they kept on talking, he really just might. As much as he’d love to punch this frustrating man, Finlay knew that Joseph wouldn’t appreciate that and Finlay would always respect his boyfriend’s wishes.

Boyfriend.

Fuck, that felt so good.

“What are you men up to?”

They both glanced over at Mrs. K who was walking with a doctor. They stopped at Joseph’s door and Mrs. Kavinsky introduced the doctor. “He’ll be taking care of Joseph’s surgery.”

Mr. Kavinsky stood and shook the doctor’s hand, introducing himself, before looking at Mrs. K and saying “Toy?”

Toy? What the fuck?

“Toy e edinst…”

The rest of the sentence was lost on him. Completely. He had to have Joseph give him Bulgarian lessons or else once he met any other relatives, they’d all talk about him in a language he couldn’t understand.

“Finlay.”

What if they didn’t like him? What if they were racist? What if they thought he was ugly? Or what if-

“Finlay, dear, you there?”

Clearing his head, he smiled at Mrs. Kavinsky. “I am now.”

“Good,” she laughed nodding here head in the direction of the now open door. “Coming in?”

“Yeah, yeah,” he said with a sigh, getting to his feet and following her in where the doctor was introducing himself to Joseph. Finlay went and stood beside Skov and Jiang who were still where they’d been.

“…I just wanted to come in personally to speak with you,” Dr…whoever said, a smile on his face. He seemed nice enough; his face the type a person trusted and his eyes sparkling like meeting Joseph was absolutely wonderful. “I like to explain to my patients what happens and what to expect.”

“Your…patient?” Joseph asked, his eyes flicking over to his mother, asking the unspoken question.

She smiled, somewhat patiently like there were no more hoops she could jump through anymore. “Dr. Park is the only reconstructive surgeon in Henrietta, baby.”

Joseph gnawed on his lip before nodding. It didn’t sit well with him, Finlay could tell from his face, but he said “Keep going.”

“The extensiveness of the damage to your arm is quite large,” Dr. Park began, stuffing his hands in the pockets of his white coat, “so our best route is a split-thickness graft. We’ll take skin from most likely your outer thigh and use that to stretch over the burns. I’ll have to mesh it and, to be honest, it’s not going to be the prettiest but there’s a higher chance of your body not rejecting the donor skin this way. The area is too large for a full-thickness graft. I’ve seen photos of the ones along your ribs but I’ll have to examine them personally, and I think those I might go the full-thickness route.”

“Depending on how large they are.”

“Exactly.”

“And…I’ll look ugly.”

“There’ll be some noticeable discoloration,” the doctor admitted, “but other than that, once it’s healed properly, you’ll be good to go. Discoloration sounds like a good trade off to me.”

Glancing at his right arm while still working that hole in his lip, Joseph murmured “Yeah, I guess.”

“You’ll stay here, if everything goes well, no more than a week then you get to go back to the comfort of your home.” Joseph said nothing, keeping his worried eyes on his arm. “Any questions?”

When the silence stretched on, Mrs. K thanked the doctor and sent him on his way before looking to Skov and Jiang. “Can you guys give us few, please?”

“We gotta go actually, anyways,” Jiang replied, avoiding everyone’s gazes and Finlay knew it was because he was thinking what Joseph’s arm must look like. Under all that badassness, the bastard was squeamish. “Um, we’ll see you, alright?”

Jiang and Skov waited for Joseph to say something but nothing ever came, his focus still entirely on his arm. When it seemed like nothing would ever come, Jiang nodded and walked out, Skov trailing behind him with his red face, still clutching the bag he’d walked in with before nearly tipping over from how hard he came to a halt. “This is for you!” he said quickly, setting the bag down on the evil chair. “Um…I hope you like it.”

Still nothing.

“Thank you, sweetheart,” Mrs. Kavinsky said, trying to get them out. “I’m sure it’s great.”

Skov nodded, even redder than before, before walking out, the door closing behind him with a soft click. Mrs. K walked over and sat herself on the edge of Joseph’s bed, raising his head with a finger under his chin. “Hey you.” Joseph blinked but no words came. “Where’s your head today?”

It was like they were the only ones in the room the way they looked at each other with such love and trust. “I’m going to look ugly.”

“You think so?” Joseph nodded like he’d never been more sure of something in his life. “Do you know when you’re most beautiful?”

“What?”

“Do you know when you’re at your most beautiful point?” With a brow raised and looking confused as fuck, Joseph shook his head. Pressing a kiss to his nose, she said softly “When you smile. Once you’re home and healthy, you’ll be smiling and be more beautiful than ever. You’ll be smiling and laughing and now loving. You won’t get more beautiful than that, sweetheart.”

It was cheesy as fuck and yet it moved Finlay to feelings he didn’t even know he had.

“So while maybe your arm will look a little different, it doesn’t mean you’re ugly, okay?” Leaning in close with a devious smile on her face, she added with a wink in Finlay’s direction “And anyways, Finlay’s going to get excited from other things. He doesn’t care about your arm. His eyes will be dropping lower.”

Joseph burst out into laughter, covering his face that was as red as Skov’s as Finlay groaned and covered his own. She was terrible. Hell, she was as bad as Jiang, swear to God. No shame those two.

“What?” she said indignantly, looking way too serious for his liking. “Am I wrong? Do you care how his arm looks?”

“Well, no, but did you have to put it like that?”

“Of course! You’re both idiots so it’s the only way.”

“You’re so embarrassing,” Joseph muttered, making sure his head was turned so far from Finlay so he couldn’t see his face. It made Finlay want to run to the other side of the bed just to catch his expression. “You have no filter, woman.”

“Oh? And you do? Or your bashtá for that matter?” Mr. K raised his hands in defense, a smile on his face. “Just because I’m a lady doesn’t mean I can’t play dirty either.”

“You’re supposed to be better than us.”

“Boring,” Mrs. Kavinsky laughed, turning Joseph’s head back to her. “My point, my beautiful boy, is that everything will be fine. We want you happy and healthy. Nobody gives a damn about some discoloration, okay?”

Joseph stared at her, utterly enraptured by his mother. Finlay knew she was everything to him and seeing them like this, he understood why. Biting the corner of his lower lip, Joseph whispered “Yeah?”

Kissing the tip of his nose again, she murmured “Yeah. Promise.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Talk to me peeps, I'm like...bored
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> _"You can run like Xia, I won’t judge.”_

“What’s toy?” Finlay asked softly, his head resting on his crossed arms that were atop Joseph’s thigh. It was touchy but it wasn’t like…bad touchy. It was the good kind of touchy that Joseph didn’t mind and for all he knew, he didn’t mind it because it was Finlay. He happened to like the way he was gazing up at him with those eyes he adored.

“Toy?” Joseph murmured, flicking his sleepy eyes open wider because they kept drooping. His body said ‘sleep, dumbass, you’re tired’ but his brain didn’t want to. It was barely evening and his parents had both disappeared and he finally had the room just for him and Finlay again. He liked the quiet they easily set into. He didn’t want to sleep through it. “That’s a fucking toy, man, like you play with it. Duh.”

He was pretty sure Finlay rolled his eyes but he was too tired to tell properly. “No, I mean in Bulgarian. Toy? That’s a word, isn’t it?”

Oh, that’d make more sense. “He,” Joseph yawned, rubbing his eyes to try and get them awake. God, he was exhausted physically and mentally. “It means ‘he.’”

“Ah,” Finlay replied, nodding on his arms. “That’d make sense then.” Sticking his hand out and softly holding Joseph’s, Finlay rubbed it with a delicate touch while avoiding where the IV was. “You’re gonna teach me Bulgarian, yeah? I’m pretty good with languages and plus, it’ll be a bonus once I get into my career and stuff.”

His career? Did Joseph even know what Finlay liked? He knew that he liked to write but…that was about it when it came to that sort of stuff. Joseph was a horrible boyfriend. Shouldn’t he know this stuff? “Um…will you,” he ran his lip through his teeth in his worry, “will you get mad at me for not knowing what you want to be?” Finlay’s eyebrows went up in surprise. “Like, shouldn’t I know that? That sounds like relationship basics, doesn’t it?”

Sitting up, Finlay leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to Joseph’s ugly chapped bitten lips. They were nothing near the pillowiness of Finlay’s. “We’ve been together for what, half a day? We’re starting fresh and relationships grow with time. We’re not going to magically know everything even though we’ve been friends for a bit.”

“Then what do you want to be?”

Resting himself back in his previous position, Finlay said “An investigative journalist. I want to travel and bring the news of the world back home, you know? Crimes against humanity and bring them to justice by putting their faces all over the place.”

It sounded so social warrior that Joseph was surprised. But then, it didn’t matter how much of a tough guy Finlay was, there was nothing he loved more than making sure people were okay and caring for them. “That actually sounds really cool. I’m sure you’ll be great at it.”

“Not if I don’t learn some languages,” Finlay muttered, seemingly depressed by the topic. “I’m good at picking up bits of vocab but I need languages to be able to properly communicate and get stories, you know? I mean look at you: English, Bulgarian, and stupid ass Latin.”

“And Spanish,” Joseph added, trying not to rub it in while subsequently rubbing it in with a smirk. “I’m a quadruple threat.”

Finlay rolled his eyes but it was so endearing that Joseph had this stupid urge to kiss him. Not that he actually did because he was a coward. “Rubbing it in isn’t cute. And anyways, I need Bulgarian for practical purposes too. I need to keep up with your fam, man. Can’t have them talking about me behind my back.”

“I’d fuck them up if they did.”

With a soft smile, Finlay replied “I appreciate it.” He raised Joseph’s knuckles to his mouth and kissed each and every one. “Fuck, I love you.”

Joseph’s face lit up in flames. He had the urge to yank his hand away from those beautifully…soft…perfect…

Fuck.

Taking his hand away to which Finlay laughed, Joseph muttered “You can’t just go around throwing those kinds of words. God.”

“I can,” Finlay said, sitting up and leaning in close, stealing himself another kiss from Joseph’s lips, “and I will. You may not say the words yet but just you blushing is enough for me.”

His bae was such a cheesy fucker, Jesus Lord.

“Hey, Joseph?” Finlay started, suddenly extremely curious as he dragged himself up to sit on the edge of the bed instead of the cot. “Do you find me attractive?”

They were definitely not having this conversation. “Don’t ask stupid questions.”

Biting on his nail, Finlay murmured “So you do?”

What was with such a question? It sounded almost like Finlay was insecure about it. Shit…was he? And wasn’t it Joseph’s job as boyfriend to give him those reassurances? Joseph definitely knew that much because Emilio had always provided him with them when needed. Emilio was thee example of a wonderful boyfriend so he had to know what he had been doing.

Right?

Right.

Not meeting Finlay’s eyes because he may be able to say the words but he sure as fuck couldn’t do it while looking at him, Joseph replied “I’m…not gonna lie…I don’t know…? Like…I dunno if I have a type yet outside of knowing that for some reason, Jiang doesn’t work for me but then like…Skov does and Emilio definitely did.”

Maybe he wasn’t wording this right because right now, he was making it sound like Finlay wasn’t at all his thing. He wasn’t anything like Skov or Emilio.

“But I…really…” his face got hotter, magma to his flames “I really like how beautiful your eyes are.”

“My eyes?”

Yeah, he wasn’t sounding so happy. Joseph was doing this all the fuck wrong. Eating the corner of his lip, he faced this amazing boy before him and leaned in, pressing a barely there kiss. “I can look in your eyes and be lost forever in your emotions. It’s like…a gateway to somewhere else. They’re big and beautiful and never lie. And I love that. I love that I can look in your eyes and see what you’re thinking. I love that I can see how much you…”

“Love,” Finlay provided with a cheeky smile.

“Yeah, that fuck ass thing,” Joseph laughed, thinking that maybe it’d be okay if he pressed his forehead to Finlay’s “how much you love me. If I were to piss you off right now, I’d still be able to see the love under it all and…it’s comforting to know that even when my thoughts try to make me believe otherwise, your eyes will always tell me the truth.”

There was still unsureness in Finlay’s eyes that ate at Joseph. He wanted to make him feel good like the way Finlay made him feel. Amazing. Beautiful.

Perfect.

“And, well, if you want to get superficial about it,” Joseph added with a peck to Finlay’s gorgeous mouth, “these lips give me thoughts that shouldn’t be said in public,” Finlay laughed, seemingly pleased by such a simple answer “and more than once, I have caught my eyes unsuspectingly following your happy trail down and ending disappointed when I met the waistband of your pants.”

It’d happened twice, to be exact.

And…maybe once with Skov too.

Joseph wasn’t going to mention that part though.

“I may have been fucking myself out of the gay through girls but my brain knew what I was looking for.”

“That’s because your brain is a smart dude.” Joseph rolled his eyes and gave in to the need to rest his forehead against Finlay’s. It was close.

But not too close.

It felt right.

Maybe even perfect.

“My happy trail,” Finlay continued, surprisingly cheeky for someone who’d been worried not a moment ago, “leads to a _very_ nice place, in case you were wondering.”

“I know how anatomy works, thank you.” A shadow fell on Finlay’s face as he wrapped his arms over Joseph’s shoulders and held his lips in a sweet kiss. His actions didn’t match his emotions and it only left Joseph confused. “What?”

Finlay kissed him again before putting some distance between them. “Baby, I love you. And because I love you, that means you can trust me. With anything.”

He was at a loss on what exactly Finlay was going for here. Also, all these declarations of love were weird. It wasn’t a nice thought but it was true. Joseph wasn’t in love with Finlay. At least, not yet. He liked him a lot though and he was pretty sure that was how relationships developed. “Um…okay?”

“Anything. I take all in stride.”

Finlay knew more about him than just about anyone besides his parents and Emilio. Actually…he might be beating out Emilio these days. Who would’ve thought a day like that would ever come? “Could you just straight up say what you’re going for? I don’t like all this…spinning.”

Apprehension set on Finlay’s face, tightening his eyes and mouth. There was a touch of worry in his eyes but there was also determination. “I don’t want you to ever think you owe me certain things. And we’re also not in a rush for anything but when…” he took a deep breath and Joseph had to admit, he was still confused as fuck where exactly this was all going “when you’re ready, we’ll go as slow as you need.”

Slow?

“As slow and filled with as many reassurances-”

“Oh,” Joseph said softly hiding his face by looking down at his lap, cutting off Finlay with his shameful understanding.

That.

“I’m not in a rush for anything. I’m ready when you’re ready.”

“What if I’m never ready.”

Soft lips pressed onto his cheek, the lingering burn of it grounding him in ways he didn’t even know a kiss could. “I’ll wait until you are. Take as long as you need. But in that time, letting it just sit inside isn’t going to help-”

“It was at a sleepover,” he blurted before he lost his nerve. Finlay froze, probably shocked that Joseph was even admitting to anything. But he already had not too long ago, hadn’t he? It’d been in a much more roundabout way and said nothing definitive but Finlay already _knew_. He knew and he wanted to wait for Joseph. Wanted to love him regardless.

If Joseph wasn’t going to trust Finlay, then he wouldn’t be able to trust anyone.

Pressing his face into his boyfriend’s chest because, yes, he was in fact hiding himself and his shame, Joseph whispered “I hadn’t been here that long and Liam was kind of a friend and he really wanted me to watch movies at his dorm so I went because I knew he wouldn’t let Jordan do anything but then…he left.”

He’d left Joseph in a den with a monster.

Joseph didn’t blame Liam; it was hardly his fault. He just…wished he’d been there for him like he was supposed to have been.

“It was the first time I tried drinking and I was kinda drunk and Jordan was definitely drunk and I knew that he’d always had a thing for me and it just…he…”

Wouldn’t take no for an answer. Wouldn’t stop. Wouldn’t let him be.

The morning after was really the only thing that was entirely clear in Joseph’s memory. The sunlight blazing into the room, revealing the truth of the night. Him getting sick. Jordan trying to comfort him like their night had meant everything to him.

Joseph didn’t understand why, but he wrapped his arms around Finlay’s waist – his right not quite cooperating as well as he wished – and kissed his shirt over his heart. It was like a thank you. Thank you for being how he was. Thank you for being understanding and caring and everything that Joseph didn’t even know he needed.

Thank you for being someone he could trust with anything.

“Do I find you attractive?” Joseph said, shutting his eyes and resting his weight onto Finlay, his boyfriend’s arms around him all the security he needed. “Yes. Because you’re everything I can trust in. You’re you and for me, that’s nothing short of perfect.”

* * *

Nothing short of perfect.

Fuck.

It felt like he should be panicking, being in way too deep for a teenage romance, but fuck if those words didn’t make him smile like a fool.

Feel like he’d just won the damn world.

Hugging back as best as he could without causing his bae pain, Finlay kissed the top his shaved head and murmured “I’ll treat you as precious as the goddamn world, baby, because you’re so damn perfect to me too.”

Joseph hummed and it almost sounded like he was amused by his words. “I don’t want to be precious like the world; I’m supposed to be your queen, you bastard.”

A smile grew on his face as he held Joseph even closer, watching the placement of his hands and how hard he squeezed. All he needed was to ruin the moment by being overeager. “Be aware that when you encourage such things, I take things far. I’ll spoil the fuck out of you.”

“I like the sound of that.” He snuggled into Finlay’s chest, his voice sounding as though he was half asleep. “I’ll spoil you too. If there’s one thing I’m good at in the relationship game, I spoil the fuck out of my bae. Also,” he paused as a huge yawn erupted from his mouth, making him squeak in pain for a quick second “I’m a romantic.”

Joseph Kavinsky…was a romantic. _Kavinsky_ was a romantic.

Finlay wasn’t sure he knew this guy as well as he figured himself to. Mrs. K probably knew that about her son. Hell, _Mr._ Kavinsky probably knew that too.

Maybe he didn’t quite compete just yet.

“Hey, Joseph? Do you-” A soft snore interrupted him. “Cute. Fall asleep on me, jackass.” Kissing his head again, Finlay laughed into his hair “Fuck, I’m so gone for you.” Carefully resting him back against his pillows with the prayer he wouldn’t wake him because Joseph needed sleep like severely, Finlay got off the bed and drew up the blanket before fixing the Beanie babies surrounding him that they’d messed up. “What’re the chances your dad will kill me if I buy you more stuffed animals?”

“Very high,” Mr. Kavinsky laughed behind him, about to toss a duffel in the corner under the window before Finlay started waving his arms no. Joseph’s father paused and glanced over at his son. “Ah.” He set his duffel down nicely before plopping down on the cot and stretching out with a yawn, his shirt riding up to reveal some nice…

Nope. He wasn’t going there. But…maybe when Joseph got healthier…started filling out a bit more…

“We have entirely different body types. Hate to break your heart.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Finlay muttered as he crossed his arms, his face able to cook an egg right now. “No one likes your stupid muscles anyways.”

“My wife does so that’s all I need,” he replied with an amused snort. “If you’re looking for muscles, Joseph is not the one you’re seeking, lover boy.”

Annoyed that his only spot to sit on this side was squishing his ass on the cot with the bastard, Finlay decided that he might as well because, well, it had to be annoying to the pop man too, right? Now…did he ask him to move or…just shove himself in…

“Your life is filled with indecisiveness, isn’t it?”

“God, you’re annoying,” Finlay huffed, purposefully being rude in the way he shoved his ass on the edge beside Mr. Kavinsky’s stomach. “How does she put up with you.” He felt rather than saw the shrug. “Is it weird being dead?”

The answer took a minute like he had to mull it over. “Honestly, if Joseph hadn’t told me I was dead, I wouldn’t have known. I thought some things were weird but how does a person come to the conclusion that they’ve died and came back to life? But once he did tell me and explained it, so many things made sense.”

“Like?” He wasn’t exactly sure how a person able to take things from their head made any sense. Finlay still had trouble accepting it and he’d seen the process with his own eyes.

“Well, the big obvious one is that I stopped hearing voices.” Voices? Finlay couldn’t help but wonder why he’d picked the most complicated family of them all. “Then I found out I was missing a scar. A few memories here and there. My eye twitches a little too much. I did an x-ray for my knee before I came here as a checkup and found out one of the screws is missing. Doctors don’t understand how and decided that maybe the surgeon accidently wrote five screws instead of four.”

“He didn’t.”

“Nope. Joseph just got the number wrong.” Raising his leg up so his knee was bent, Mr. Kavinsky added “I’m not bitter about it. Hell, I deserved it. I just wished it didn’t have to be from him. He’s got enough trauma to last him a lifetime.” He jabbed Finlay in the arm, his poke feeling like a goddamn knife. Finlay scowled as was ready to snap at him but before he had the chance, Mr. Kavinsky said “And no, it’s not all from me, so don’t go there. Me and him were really close.”

“And you threw that all away for-”

“A stupid reason, yeah, yeah. Trust me, I’ve heard this all before. I didn’t just lose him, I lost everything, and I’m not even talking about my literal life. Figuratively too. My wife hates my guts, my sister-in-law hates my guts even more than she already did, her husband wants to beat my face in on a daily basis, my nephews and nieces consider me trash,” he yawned and sat up, turning so he sat beside Finlay, keeping his short-clad legs drawn up, “well, the older two. The younger ones don’t quite get it yet.”

It was sad but Finlay felt no sympathy for this fool. Or maybe it wasn’t actually sad. “You nervous for the surgery tomorrow?”

“Fucking terrified. Vesela says it’s going to be fine and she’s a very smart woman and my life has taught me to listen to smart women. She says it’ll be okay, then it’s gonna be okay.”

He felt a little better about his fear knowing that this strong mobster was scared too. “You respect her a lot.”

“You sound surprised. Vesela’s my everything. Has been my everything since I was seventeen, kid. Love and respect like that doesn’t just disappear.”

Damn. Maybe Finlay’s teenage romance will last if this guy could make his romance lead to a life of him and her. This mobster sure as hell wasn’t better than Finlay. “If I told you I want to be with Joseph for that long, would you believe me?”

“Yes,” he answered easily, not a shred of doubt in his voice, “because I can see how much he means to you even if it’s only been like ten days since we’ve met. Also, you know, he’s your queen or whatever.”

Finlay’s face flared. That was supposed to be for them, not for this guy. Glaring at him with accusation in his eyes, he asked “How do you know about that?”

Mr. K just shrugged, a glistening of amusement in his eyes that made it feel like he was looking at Joseph. “Does it bother you that I know?”

Yes. What’d he do, snoop? This jackass. “That’s for me and him, not for you to invade.”

“It’s not an invasion if he tells me.”

Joseph told him? Why? Finlay wasn’t Jiang but Jesus fuck, Joseph couldn’t be that stupid to just…forgive him like everything was nothing, could he? Turning away and sending a glare at his sleeping love, Finlay muttered “Well, it’s still none of your business.”

“If it makes you feel better, he told me in the middle of a breakdown. There’s no way he would’ve told me otherwise. Not yet, at least. He’s not as stupid as you and Xia seem to want to paint him as. No one holds a grudge better than a Kavinsky, kid. Except maybe Ivet. And Anka, to be honest.” He laughed, shaking his head against the wall. “Who am I kidding? Any Bulgarian woman I’ve ever met.”

“I never said-”

“But you’ve thought it. You two think he’s just magically forgiven me. He hasn’t. At all. We’ve just happened to have taken a step in the right direction so far. Trust me,” he added with a snort, crossing his arms as he stared at Joseph sound asleep, “it won’t last. We Kavinskys have a problem with our tempers.”

“Oh, that you don’t even need to tell me.”

Mr. Kavinsky laughed, not even an ounce offended.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> o.o  
> enjoy
> 
> _“His stupidity and stubbornness makes him cry. He’ll get over it.”_

“I think I’m gonna throw up.”

Vesela moved so fast that she was worried she was about to trip, grabbing the bedpan and shoving it under his chin just in time to catch his vomit.

They’d said the anesthesia might make him nauseous but this was Joseph.

Nauseous just meant vomit fest 2.0.

“That’s nasty,” Xia muttered, his mouth tightening in a queasy manner. “Gross, man.”

If Finlay hadn’t slapped Xia right atop his head, Vesela sure as hell would’ve. This wasn’t exactly the time to be his assholic self. “If you’re gonna be shit, get out. No one wants your bitch ass.”

Rubbing the back of his head with a grimace of pain as Joseph threw up the water he’d just washed his mouth down with, Xia replied “Sorry. Goddamn. Also, it’s not like he needs you defending his ass.”

“Shut up the pair of you,” Ivo muttered, looking odd as he curled up on the cot, reading a book. His frame was too large for such a maneuver but he’d been perfecting it for the entire hospital stay. “I’ll throw you both out.”

“I don’t feel good,” Joseph mumbled, it practically coming out as a whimper as he shrunk into his pillows, looking as skeletal as ever. He clumsily rubbed his eyes with the palm of his left hand which was flaunting an ugly bruise from the IV. A whine escaped his mouth, his hand wincing away from his eyes. Joseph blinked at the bruise for moment, seemingly confused, before holding his hand out to her. “It hurts.”

Setting the pan down, she softly grasped his hand by the fingers and kissed the bruise. “The IV, baby, you know that.”

“No, it hurts differently. Not like before.”

He was still half drugged from the anesthesia but he’d know his pain, wouldn’t he? And she didn’t want him getting upset for not taking him seriously. It did look more bruised than usual…and there was no such thing as too careful… “I’ll call a nurse to take a look,” she murmured, setting his hand down carefully in his lap while grabbing the room phone, dialing their listed nurse.

While she detailed to the nurse what she wanted, Finlay went around to Ivo’s side and sat down by his feet. It amazed her how comfortable they were with each other. It was strange, even, like they’d come to an understanding with one another. “I brought you a gift. And more flowers.” He pointed at the colorful assortment he’d brought, now seated in the window beside the daffodils.

Joseph’s eyes tiredly followed the movement until he reached the flowers. “They’re…so pretty. Thank you.” She knew he meant it but his voice was hoarse and exhausted, barely able to get the words out. “Can I have…my gift.”

“Of course,” Finlay replied, ducking to look under the cot, pulling out a small wrapped box. Standing up, he moved closer and set the little box on Joseph’s lap before his mouth curled in thought. “Do you want me to open it for you?” Joseph nodded, his eyes tracking every move Finlay made. “I hope you like it,” he murmured, ripping the paper off and flipping up the magnetic flap of the blue box, revealing a set of bracelets. He removed one of the thick cord bracelets, adorned with only a small silver bead in each knot, carefully sliding it onto Joseph’s wrist and pushing up the beads on the end of the two tails, tightening it to size. “What do you think?”

Joseph waited until he watched Finlay put on his own before returning his gaze to the black bracelet. Personally, Vesela thought they were beautiful in their simplicity and sweet in their gesture. “I love it,” he whispered, raising it up to his lips and rubbing it, wanting to feel the cord. He was out by two hands for the moment. “It’s perfect.”

Finlay’s face brightened to a megawatt, his smile traveling from ear to ear. “I made ‘em.”

Damn, that was even cuter.

“Hello,” the nurse said, sticking her head in after a quick knock. “I heard about some pain?”

Holding up his bruised hand, Joseph explained “It hurts.”

“Oh that’s just the IV. It happens.”

Lowering his hand, he blinked at the bruise, his eyebrows scrunching in with thought. “No…this hurts different.” He held it out again, “It’s a different…hurt.”

“Could you just take a look, please,” Vesela said, her patience wearing thinner with every passing day. She was exhausted but there was no rest for the stubborn. She was only taking him home once she was sure it was a good idea. Not before. “Let’s just make sure.”

There was a shred of doubt on the nurse’s face but she nodded and slipped on some gloves. “Of course.” Finlay moved to let her scoot in and she picked up Joseph’s bruised hand. “Bruising happens sometimes…” she murmured, carefully feeling his hand, causing him to wince every time. “Bear with me for a moment here, this might hurt.” He literally squeaked as she ever so carefully removed the IV from his hand, pressing down a cotton ball on the insertion site. “Someone hold the cotton for me please.”

Vesela reached over and pressed down on it before Ivo even had a chance to breathe. She knew he wanted to do it and she was being ridiculous by making this a competition but she didn’t care. Let her be ridiculous. “So?”

The nurse stood and went over to one of the many drawers, grabbing a small package before coming back to them. “The needle was bent in his vein.”

“Fuck, ouch,” Xia whispered, wincing as if the pain was his own as the nurse reinserted it after switching it out. “Fuck.”

“Better?” Vesela asked, kissing his forehead while wishing he still had hair she could brush back. She missed it already. Joseph nodded. “Good. Say thank you.”

“Thank you,” he called to the nurse who was cleaning his bedpan. She laughed and called back “You’re welcome. I’d say anytime but we don’t want that happening another time.”

Vesela’s phone chimed as the nurse left, with Joseph’s eyes falling shut, the last of the drugs earning him a restful sleep for however long it’d last.

_Room number_

“What the hell,” she muttered, dropping herself into the evil chair as Finlay scooted himself back to Joseph’s side, gazing at his sleeping love with adoring eyes. Why would Nikol ask what room? Unless…she didn’t listen to Vesela when she’d said from the very beginning not to come until he was home. She knew that too much people made things hard for Joseph to handle which is why she’d told her sister not to show up but…

No one ever said Nikol actually ever listened.

_Pls tell me u didn’t_

_I did_

“Oh, bitch,” Vesela groaned into her phone, wishing she had something to just faceplant into. Of course she just couldn’t wait another week. A week. That’s all she’d asked for. A freaking week.

“I know that groan,” Ivo laughed, still entirely focused on his reading. The world could be collapsing and Ivo would still just sit there and read. Especially since it was a new book. “It means Nikol is knocking.”

“Yeah, well, she will be for real in a couple minutes,” she sighed, not even bothering to give her the room number. She wanted it? Then she’d have to get it from the front desk. Vesela was so not encouraging this.

“I thought you told her next week.”

It showed how much more interesting the book was than the world. Any other time and Ivo would be pissed beyond belief. “I hadn’t realized that she’s ever listened to me.”

“Who?” Xia asked curiously, fixing an uplifted corner of Isha’s blanket so it covered Joseph’s foot properly.

“My sister.”

He paled, sending a swift glance Finlay’s way who wasn’t even looking. Joseph was his one and only focus. Glancing back at Vesela, then the door, he cleared his throat. “I’m, uh…”

“You can go, don’t worry,” she laughed, waving him off and tossing her phone onto the little nightstand thing beside her. “Oh wait, hold on…” she yanked the house keys out of her purse and tossed them in his direction, “go check on Walnut for me.”

“Sure thing. Swan, I’m out.” He waited to be acknowledged, rolling his eyes in the process. “Lover boy!” Finlay blinked over at Xia “I’m out. Try not to stare so hard where you make holes in your bae, yeah?”

“Fuck off,” Finlay laughed, explicitly making sure he stared super hard at Joseph’s sleeping form. “Tell Isha hi.”

“You know,” Vesela started, trying not to laugh at Finlay, “he’s not exactly wrong. You’re staring _really_ hard over there.”

“Mr. K, you ever been in the hospital?”

“Jesus,” Ivo snorted with a laugh, turning the page in his book, “more like when haven’t I. Why?”

“Bet Mrs. K stared at you like all the time.”

“She did.”

“’Nough said.”

That was cute. They were ganging up on her. Really cute. Well, she had Joseph because he’d pick her over them any day. “Glad you two get along.”

“We just happen to sit at the same wavelength of understanding,” Finlay laughed, finding her words absurd if his confused look was anything to go by. “I actually would prefer to punch him most of the times.”

“I love him and I do too. You sure you’re ready to meet the fam? You can run like Xia, I won’t judge.”

Scrunching his nose in displeasure, Finlay snorted “Mrs. Kavinsky, I’m offended. I’m part of this fam now, you know.”

“You should run while you have the chance. Like serious-”

A knock interrupted her words.

Welp, it was his choice and his funeral.

“Hello!” Nikol exclaimed, bursting in as though the world had just been waiting for her to arrive.

Funny thing was, Vesela hadn’t realized that she’d been waiting to see her until her throat closed and tears took over any sight she might have had. “D-Don’t shout, idiot, he’s sleeping.” It seemed impossible in such a small room but somehow, they ran to each other, strangling the life goddamn life out of themselves.

It’d been so long. So long and now that she was here, Vesela didn’t want to ever let her go.

“You’re getting snot on my shoulder,” Nikol laughed, a broken laugh filled with tears, but a happy one. A happy one that Vesela finally got to hear in person again. “But I guess one for one, huh?”

Vesela nodded into her older sister’s shoulder, at a complete loss for words. She’d missed her, she’d known that she’d missed her, but seeing her was a whole other thing.

Seeing the kids was an entirely different one too.

“Hi, guys,” she laughed, wiping her tears as Andrey, Andrey who was looking like a grown man, held her in a tight hug, slightly swaying them back and forth.

“Oh my God…” Nikol whispered in shock.

“Hey, tétka, long time no see, huh?”

Somehow, he even sounded more man. Lord. “Very long time.” She broke their hug, stepping back and taking a good look at him, “Look at you all grown up.”

“He made a baby, he better be,” Ivo snorted from the cot, completely ignoring everyone. But then, it wasn’t too long ago that’d he’d seen them. A month at most, if that.

“Vesela,” Nikol said.

She glanced at Anka who…seemed like she was pissed at her. Why? “Do I not get a hi?”

“Anka’s eternally mad at the world,” Ivo supplied. “Don’t bother.”

“Vesela,” Nikol repeated from behind her.

Anka raised a brow in challenge as if there even was whatever challenge she though there was. She wanted to be pissy, fine, Vesela had enough of that to last her a lifetime. “I’m missing two babies. Where’s Albena and Timotei?”

“They stayed with tatko,” Andrey answered, going around Vesela only to freeze with wide eyes. “Holy…crap…”

It was in that one second that suddenly Xia’s head popped in. No way he could’ve gone and come back already. Not a chance. Even with his driving. “Which key is it? You’ve got like a billion. Also, can I take your car? I came with-” His eyes flicked over to Andrey, his attention now caught. “He looks like shit, huh? I know.”

“Fucking rude,” Andrey snapped, a blaze in his eyes and Vesela knew it was because he was scared. Worried. It was just how Andrey worked. “What the hell is your problem?”

“Hey, man, I’ve said it to his face, don’t worry. Huh, baby?” Joseph eyes were blinking open, sleep either not found or the room far too loud. “Good morning, sunshine.”

Joseph blinked for a moment at the people in the room before saying “I think I’m hallucinating.”

“You in fact are,” Xia replied, walking in further until he was at the foot of the bed. “What’s real was the banging sex we had yesterday.”

A sigh escaped her mouth. This boy.

“Drilled my ass like nothing, baby. A-mazing.”

Finlay was glaring at Xia, ready to hit him again. Vesela was pretty sure she wouldn’t even protest a tiny bit. “How often do you have to be stupid to feel good?”

“Not so often because your boy banged my ass to fucking nirvana.”

“I hate to break it to you,” Joseph snorted, looking a bit more aware than he had the first time he’d awakened like his power nap had helped clear his head, “but even after all these months, you are still not my type, man. Never will be.”

“I’m everyone’s type. Plus, it’s free ass, what the hell are you complaining for?”

“Ah, so you’re a cheap whore.”

“Only for you.”

Dropping his head into his hands, Finlay shook his head, seemingly despaired. Ivo stretched and patted him on the shoulder, still with his entire attention on his book. “Remember, you picked him.”

It amazed her, day after day, the way that Ivo had seemingly changed. It amazed her because Vesela just couldn’t believe it. He really did accept Joseph. He seriously didn’t care if he was gay anymore. He respected it even. He supported the relationship, made an effort with the boyfriend, even got in on gay jokes.

Who was he and what the hell had he done with her husband?

Joseph smiled before his face turned sour.

Oh boy.

She was too far but Ivo moved quicker than she would’ve expected of a guy lost in a book. He yanked the fresh bedpan over and shoved it under Joseph’s chin, a second late. But the second didn’t cost them too much at least.

“Yo, man, why you gotta always throw up while I’m standing?” Xia groaned, covering his face. “You hold alcohol better than this! What the fuck.”

Coughing up the last of his now empty stomach, Joseph wiped his mouth and nose with the collar of his gown and grimaced. “I’m gross.”

“I mean, you did puke your guts-”

“Do you ever shut up?” Anka cut in, her words as sharp and fierce as her eyes as she glared at Xia. "Like seriously. Shut up.”

“Don’t be rude, Anka,” Joseph said, looking surprisingly annoyed with his cousin. “It’s unbecoming.” He glanced over at Ivo who was cleaning the bedpan. She had to hand it to him, he had the stomach she didn’t. She’d clean it if she had to, she’d do anything she had to, but since there were nurses to do that, Vesela let them. “I need a shower.”

“No.”

“A bath.”

“Nope,” Vesela chimed, not even giving Ivo the chance because she knew that he’d agree. “You just came out of surgery, Joseph.”

She could see how hard he was fighting back mean words, his teeth looking like they were being ground down to nothing but powder. “I feel gross.”

“I’ll give you a wipe and you can clean the puke-”

“I need a bath. I need…I need to feel clean. And-and more than that sponge, I need my loofah.” His eyes lit up, flicking over to Ivo. “I need a pumice-”

“No,” Vesela snapped, everyone turning to look at her and her harshness in surprise. They could look as surprised as they’d like, it wasn’t happening. No way in hell. She’d specifically bought that sponge because she knew that no matter how hard he tried to scrub, he wouldn’t be able to hurt himself. “No stone, no loofah. When you can take a bath, there is a sponge-”

“It sucks.”

“-which you can use-”

“I need something better.”

“-to clean with. And until you can bathe-”

“Tatko, I need a bath.”

Her tongue tangled in her mouth, both her and Ivo’s jaws dropping.

Not once, since Ivo had arrived, had Joseph called him that.

Not once in four years.

She hoped Ivo saw it for what it was. It wasn’t Joseph getting comfortable with him, it wasn’t a sign of affection like it’d always been. Hell, it wasn’t even a sign of respect. All Joseph was doing was trying to manipulate his father into giving him what he wanted.

That was it.

From the hurt that flashed through Ivo’s eyes, Vesela knew he caught it. He stood there, frozen, no one else understanding the moment for what it was beside the pair of them and Joseph. Ivo stood there, clamping his mouth shut and grinding his jaw with a fist by his side.

“Tatko?”

Ivo shook his head, his hurt and anger undisguised now as he rushed out, slamming the door so hard that the reverberations were felt through the floor. Through the walls.

“Someone’s sensitive,” Joseph snorted, rolling his eyes as though he didn’t understand the extensiveness of what he’d just done. She knew he did. She knew he did even before he spoke the word. It was both a shot fired and a test.

Ivo failed on both accounts because he couldn’t take either.

There were many things her husband deserved. Many. But for some reason, this one didn’t sit well with her. This one made her heart ache for him, knowing that he was trying so hard to fix what he’d done. There was no rewind or magic band-aid, sure, but he was trying and she saw it.

Not even he deserved to have his love twisted back on him like an ugly deceptive twin.

“Guys, can you give us a minute?” she said to the room, hoping no one would fight her on this. “We’ll be quick.”

Vesela got a few curious glances and an examining one from Finlay but luckily, everyone obliged.

Good because she needed a minute with this cruel child of hers.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> I know I've been saying this for awhile now, but I promise snapshots are coming  
> I promise
> 
> Anyways enjoy!
> 
> _"Us actually being an official thing is like finding out you just won the lottery.”_

It’d hurt much more than Ivo had expected it to.

He’d been dying to hear that word from Joseph’s mouth again. Dying. And his kid used it to try and manipulate him into getting what he wanted. Using him like he didn’t deserve to be called his father if he was a good for nothing who couldn’t even do that simple thing for him.

Was he really that worthless in Joseph’s eyes?

The door to Joseph’s room opened but Ivo didn’t raise his head to take a look at who decided to follow him out. He didn’t need to once they sat next to him. He’d know Nikol anywhere. “We got thrown out.”

“That’s nice.”

“Yo, Mr. K?”

If Joseph had told him that Xia was his boyfriend instead of Finlay, he would’ve never given them his blessings. The kid was caring in his own ways but, Jesus fucking Christ, did he just not shut up. “What.”

Keys dangled in front of his face and suddenly, a crouching Xia was in his view. “I still don’t know which key? Also-”

“Yes, you can take the damn car,” he huffed, tired from him already as he yanked the keys from his hand and singled out one before shoving it back at him. “This one. Now fuck off.”

“Someone’s touchy,” Xia snorted as he stood but Ivo heard the underlying fear in it. Good, because this kid was too much for him. A little fear never hurt. If they weren’t going to give him the respect they should, then he’d take their fear. “Yo, Swanman, tell your bae I dipped. Probs ain’t coming back today. Me and Isha got shit. Oh wait, gotta bring back the car. And keys. Fuck.”

Ivo wanted to meet this Isha who could seemingly put up with this annoying character. The kid had to be a fucking saint, goddamn. “Bring them tomorrow. Make sure you pay for gas.” Ivo had Joseph’s key in his duffel anyways and Nikol had to have rented something to drive here. If push came to shove, they could always use Finlay’s car if they had to.

“Yessir! See you, fuckers!”

“I don’t like him,” Nikol snorted, her legs crossing atop each other caught from the corner of his eye. “At all.”

“He’s an exotic flavor,” Finlay laughed, throwing shots that Ivo just wasn’t up for tossing back at the moment.

Resting his chin in the palm of his hand, Ivo said nothing as he stared at the opposite wall in defeat. He’d told Finlay that the chumminess wouldn’t last, hadn’t he? What had he expected exactly? He should’ve been ready for whatever brutal words might come his way.

Actually, he had been.

Just not that particular one.

“He looks really bad,” Nikol murmured and Ivo knew she was trying to get him to talk but he was hardly in the mood. “But Vesela said the surgery went good, yeah?”

It was like a vacuum was sucking the air out of the hall as they all waited for him to acknowledge her words. Finlay must’ve realized that he had no plans to because he answered “Yeah, doctor said it’s looking good. We just have to keep his arm elevated and make sure the donor site doesn’t catch infection.”

He didn’t add the part where they had to keep Joseph in bed for a week. They both knew that was going to be the hard part. Convince Joseph to use a bedpan for a week? Yeah, okay.

“I’m sorry, I don’t think you introduced yourself?”

“Oh sorry,” Finlay said quickly, his arm coming into Ivo’s field of view as he stretched it out for a shake. “Finlay Swan, ma’am. Nice to meet you. I’m Joseph’s boyfriend.”

If the air felt like it was being sucked into a vacuum before, it was nothing compared to now. Not even close. It was like when a person was in space and the void ate all the oxygen because there was nowhere for it to survive. “Oh…his, uh, boyfriend…that’s…um great. Really great.”

Nikol’s stupor was enough to get Ivo’s voice out. “I’m supposed to be the homophobe here, you know.”

She slapped him and he knew if he looked at her, her eyes would be screaming bloody murder for pointing out her trouble accepting it. He’d always found it amusing that Joseph being gay actually bothered her. Did Vesela know? He wasn’t sure. “I don’t mean anything. That’s great.”

“Could you sound any less convincing.”

“Don’t act like you’re superior or something,” Anka snorted, venom spitting from her mouth from how much poison was in her words.

Ivo looked up at Finlay who was examining Nikol with calculating eyes. “Have I given you shit?”

Those eyes flicked over to Ivo, a light entering them. He appreciated the fact that they…decently got along. And, hell, maybe one day when Ivo and Joseph were okay, Ivo and Finlay would be too. He liked the kid. “Nope, can’t say you have. Except when you threatened to castrate me if we had premarital sex.”

With a smug twist to his mouth, he smirked at Anka. “Don’t insinuate things you know nothing about.”

“Also when you said you’d scatter my body parts if I fuck him up. I had a nightmare last night, you know.”

“Good,” he snorted, pointing at Finlay, “remember that feeling if it ever even crosses your mind to fuck with my child.”

Finlay opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by Vesela’s voice, her words not quite clear enough to make out. She was definitely yelling though. Pissed if her tone was anything to go by. “God, she doesn’t need to be yelling at the poor thing,” Nikol muttered.

A snort erupted from Finlay who knew, like Ivo, how sharp Joseph’s tongue and attitude could be. He needed a yelling once in a while and the best one to give it to him was Vesela. Really, the only one he’d accept it from was Vesela. She was the only who had power over him in any way. The only he respected and allowed for to have that power.

Vesela’s shouts may have been muffled by the door, but Joseph’s sure weren’t. But maybe that was because Vesela yanked the door open as he yelled “Fuck you, bitch! I didn’t ask-”

She slammed the door on him.

His yells were still there, a list of obscenities flying from his mouth at warp speed. Vesela’s face was flushed and angry, her jaw tight as she grasped the bridge of her nose with a tired hand. He felt bad because, whether she wanted to acknowledge it or not, whatever their fight had been had started from her wanting to scold on Ivo’s behalf. He was flattered as fuck but he didn’t want to be the instigator of problems. He’d done enough of that.

Taking a deep breath that shuddered her whole frame, she smiled, almost sinisterly, at Finlay. She set a hand on his shoulder, “You should go comfort your bastard. He’s crying.”

“Harsh much?” Nikol asked, shock eating at her words. “God, Vesela, I mean, he’s in a hospital-”

“Nikol,” Vesela began, her false patience oozing from her voice, “this is the first time you’ve seen him in four years. What the hell makes you think that I don’t know how to deal with him?”

“By yelling. And making him cry.”

“His stupidity and stubbornness makes him cry. He’ll get over it.”

“What’s the big deal if he wants a loofah?”

He could tell Vesela was just barely stopping her eye roll. “Nikol, I know and understand my child. I know and understand exactly what he’ll do with-”

“It’s a loofah.”

Honestly, Ivo was kind of with Nikol. What danger was there of a loofah?

Eyes flashing in a way he hadn’t seen in years, Vesela snapped “Until the day comes where you have seen what I’ve seen him do to himself, you do not get to come here and tell me what’s best for him. Just don’t.”

The air felt hot as she strode off, like she’d left her fury with them. Finlay seemed to be making a decision before he shrugged and opened the door. “Can- motherfucker, I swear to God if you throw that at me, I’ll kick your scrawny ass. Don’t test-”

A bang stopped the rest of his sentence, whatever it was Joseph had threatened Finlay with slamming into the wall. Ivo had to admit, he was really curious how this was going to play out. He’d been wondering how Finlay would handle Joseph’s flaring temper.

“Alright, jackass,” Finlay said, his tone wavering on pissed while he pointed accusingly with a sharp finger, “you sit there and throw your little bitchy fit-”

“Fuck. Off.”

It was like Joseph hadn’t even spoken. “and when you feel like acting like a decent human being, I might come back-”

“Goodbye! Fuck off and have a nice day, bitch boy!”

He didn’t know what the words meant to Finlay but apparently they referenced something because his eyes flashed and his nostrils flared in his fury. “Alright. Fair enough. Play that way.” Slamming the door, he shook out the tension in his shoulders. “If you need me, I’m in the café.”

“Why not just go home?”

Finlay was already walking down the hall but he spun around and walked backwards. “A dorm room ain’t a home, sir. And anyways, he’ll get over his little tantrum in a few hours. Try not to get hit by something.”

“Are you sure they’re together?” Nikol asked, scratching at her ponytail with her chipped nails. She’d always complained since he’d known her that her nails never lasted. “He just threatened him.”

“I’m positive,” Ivo replied, yawning which made his headache a thousand times worse. It’d been aching since the Fourth and Ivo had a feeling he knew why. It was better now but in the beginning, just moving made him want to throw up. “Finlay’s so obsessed that it’s borderline creepy instead of cute. They knew each other before they got together. Enemies to lovers, one of the best tropes there is. They hated each other’s guts apparently according to Xia. But I take anything that comes out of Xia’s mouth with a bucket of salt.”

“Xia is…”

“The annoying Asian kid.”

“Ah.

* * *

_“Don’t ever do that again.”_

_Rolling his eyes and acting like he had no clue what she was talking about, Joseph asked “Do what, mother dearest?”_

_His mother clenched her jaw tight. “For someone who got out of surgery not too long ago, you sure have attitude, don’t you?”_

_“I just want a fucking bath. Why is that a problem?”_

_“Joseph, you have a patch of skin missing from your thigh and your arm is now wearing it. What the hell do you think is the problem? Where’s your brain? You know you can’t-”_

_“I feel disgusting,” he snapped, the words causing pain in his chest. It wasn’t just the physicality of the pull on his lungs, it was that they actually hurt his heart. Just last night, he’d felt good about himself, no judgement whatsoever because Finlay said there was none. But with the fresh eyes of his tétka and his cousins, Joseph suddenly felt like he was under a microscope. That they were able to see every inch of shame written on his body._

_He’d felt so dirty._

“Maybe bitch boy was too much,” Joseph sighed, dropping his head back into his pillow. It was cruel to use that phrase because he knew that it brought back memories of the stuff he’d made Finlay do in the beginning. The humiliation he’d put him through at such a stupid expense. “Fuck.”

Joseph had gone too far.

Was he still standing outside the door? Joseph needed to apologize. He needed to. That was the right thing to do. The thought of Finlay upset bothered him. This was their first official fight as a couple, wasn’t it? What if Finlay decided that it was too much stress? Maybe Joseph was too mean?

Or what if Finlay decided he wasn’t worth it? Left him?

Abandoned him like everyone else always did when he was too much trouble.

He had to apologize.

Joseph glanced around but he didn’t remember the last time he’d seen his phone. The party probably. Okay so…there was no way Finlay was just waiting for him outside…he had to go to him. That was it. Joseph had to go to him and apologize and beg him not to leave because he’s sorry and he knows he’s trash but he could be better. He could, he knew he could. All he needed was for Finlay to let him try.

Decided, Joseph pulled his raised arm out of the sling thing and carefully brought his legs down the side of the bed. There were a few pulls here and there but the pain didn’t even register to him. He needed to find Finlay and apologize. That was all that mattered right now. He just…had to find out how to get up. Tentatively, he placed a foot on the ground, pain shooting through his thigh. But he’d had worse, hadn’t he? Finlay was worth suffering for. Setting down his second foot, Joseph carefully got to his feet, standing but not quite feeling like he actually was.

His thigh hurt.

Setting down his hand on the bed to help hold himself, Joseph’s eyes went wide.

And he screamed.

He hadn’t meant to scream. In fact, he hadn’t known that he was going to scream in the first place. All Joseph had done was set his hand down to hold his weight. But the pain didn’t matter, regardless of the scream. He didn’t deserve to complain because he was the one who’d caused the pain. What was the point of his pain being acknowledged when he’d caused worse?

“What the hell are you doing?” his father snapped, rushing into the room. Joseph knew that his anger was because of his fear, he knew that but his brain wasn’t working right in the processing department, and instead of appreciating this man running to help him, Joseph felt terror. Terror that he was yelling because he was mad. Terror that he was going to be hit.

Or worse.

The belt.

His father wasn’t even wearing a belt but that didn’t matter as Joseph fell to the floor, cowering from that fear.

The agony that crossed his father’s face in that second as he froze over Joseph was something he’d never erase from his mind. Never be able to erase even if he tried to. It was suffering that Joseph had never seen.

“Joseph, I’m not…” his father whispered, his mouth slack in shock and his eyes wide with despair, “I just…I’m here to _help_ you, brat. Help. That’s all I want to do for you.” Crouching down beside him, he stretched out a hand to hold Joseph’s bruised one, placing a kiss on the bruise. “Brat, that’s all I want. I just want to help. Because I love you.”

Finlay probably didn’t love him anymore. Hell, he probably didn’t even want him anymore. “I-I just…I need to go-”

“Joseph, you can’t go anywhere. You had surgery. They skinned your thigh. Do you get that?”

Skinned thighs had to wait. Boyfriends didn’t because they made rash decisions. “B-But I need to apologize. To Finlay. He’ll leave me for being mean and-” He cut himself off with a squeak, his father suddenly scooping him up with ease that shouldn’t be when carrying a taller man, setting him down in bed and fixing everything that needed to be fixed. “No! I need to-”

Holding his chin between firm fingers, his father said sternly “You need to sit in this bed until you’re better. Not before.”

“But Finlay!”

Some emotion crossed his father’s features that Joseph didn’t understand at all. Sorrow? A touch of fear maybe. Pity even.

Joseph didn’t want pity. He tried shoving his father’s strong arms away who was putting Joseph’s arm back in the sling but it was no use. He was just too pathetic for this powerful man. “Go away.”

He was completely ignored.

Pushing against that broad chest got him nowhere but the end of his own frustrations and confusion why he felt like he did. He was a blubbering mess who didn’t understand why he was suddenly crying, frustrated beyond belief. The only thing he did understand was that he was in pain and that he wanted it to go away and he needed to apologize to Finlay before he dumped him. “Finlay, _please._ ”

“Joseph,” his father began softly, something Joseph didn’t even deserve from how he was treating him.

Joseph’s eyes caught on a woman staring at him with wide eyes. His tétka. His tétka was a witness to his shame and he’d never felt so disgusting in his life. Who told her she could look at him? Who said she could even come in here and invade his privacy? “Get out.”

She blinked at him in surprise, with Andrey at her shoulder doing the same. “What?”

“Get. Out.” His aunt stood there, still in her stupor. “Get out, get out, GET OUT!”

“Out, Nikol,” his father said quickly, his eyes never leaving Joseph. “Now, please.”

Annoyingly, she still just stood there, shocked in her stupid stupor. It pissed him off to no end. The feeling of not understanding why he felt like such a mess pissed him off. The tears still in his eyes even as he shouted pissed him off.

Finlay not being here when he needed him made him furious.

“GET THE FUCK OUT! OUT!”


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> EDIT: Sorry for the late chapter! I had my cpr test today so now I'm cpr certified!
> 
> Okay so I guess like my tumblr got hacked or something and I sent ads for sunglasses? Anyways, if you got one, my bad, it wasn't me  
> Enjoy! I hope y'all are well and thanks for sticking with me
> 
> _“I’m scared of the dark because there’s only me and I’m scared of me because I just don’t understand a thing about myself.”_

The boy who was sitting in that bed was not her nephew.

Well, obviously he was but Nikol couldn’t say that she actually saw Joseph in the pale too-thin boy laying there. He was too tall, too skinny even for Joseph, too damn pale.

Too damn angry.

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard him yell like that,” Andrey murmured. “Like ever. I’ve heard him yell but that…that was something else.”

In truth, it wasn’t really just the fury that had surprised her. It’d been him. Joseph. His attitude. No, that wasn’t the right way to say it. It was his mindset that was odd. Was mindset the correct word? Something. Mentality. Mental state. Whatever the correct phrasing was, it was wrong because that wasn’t Joseph. Joseph was this brilliant boy, defiant and stubborn, yes, but always in control of himself. Strong. Unwavering, even as a child. She’d seen him break down once but now that she looked back on it, that was nothing.

That’d been just a crack being exposed. She’d never seen him break. No, not even close. Even now…she had feeling what she’d just seen was nothing at all compared to what Vesela must have been through all these years. It was her mistake; she should’ve dragged them back the minute she thought she could. But who was she kidding? She’d never have been able to.

“He’s a mess,” Andrey continued, not even caring that he was having a lone conversation. “He…always sounded so stable when we talked. I mean, it was just texting and anyone can lie through a text, sure-”

“What did you just say?” Anka cut in, her eyes turning stormy. Their relationship hadn’t been the same for years and to this day, no matter how many times Nikol asked Anka what in the fucking hell was wrong, she’d get nothing. Indifference. Annoyance.

The only thing that made her feel better about the whole situation was that she was pretty sure Yulian got the same things.

Andrey glanced up from the floor, surprised that he was actually being listened to. “What’d I say.”

“You said ‘when we talked.’ When in the hell have you talked to him?”

Oh. That was a very good point. The sentence hadn’t even registered in Nikol’s mind. Andrey blushed, turning his gaze back down to the floor, his foot suddenly tapping faster than it had been. “I…me and him…we might’ve been…texting for like…a year now. More. Since me and Ivet found out about Josephine. He was the first one I told. I took his number from tetíncho’s phone-”

“That’s stealing, dear Andrey,” Ivo snorted, his head popping out from the room. Andrey tried to sink into the floor, to hide probably, and Nikol didn’t blame him. “Go down to the café and fetch your tétka. Finlay will want to come, tell him no.”

She was pretty sure that boy was the whole reason was a mess at the moment. “But he wants Finlay. Give him to him.”

Ivo flicked the classic ‘how stupid are you’ look at her. “You don’t give naughty children what they want, Nikol. That makes them spoiled.” He snapped his fingers at Andrey, “Ass moving. Let’s go.” Andrey sighed and got to his feet, walking in the general direction of the elevator. She doubted he knew where the café was but he’d figure it out eventually.

“Ivo…”

“If you ask what’s wrong with him, I will most likely flick your nose.”

God, she always fucking hated when he’d do that. It’d been years since he’d done it; way back when, before Joseph had been born. After he beat her sister, their relationship had soured to something ugly, never quite patching itself up. If he had ever dared to flick her nose after that, she would’ve probably bit off his stupid finger. “I just-”

“Nope,” he snorted, waving his finger at her as he peeked into Joseph’s room before closing the door softly and sitting down beside her. “There’s a reason Vesela said come later rather than sooner. He’s not ready for people, Nikol.”

That was a hell of a lot more than ‘not ready for people.’ She’d thought that Vesela had wanted to keep her away for a bit because she didn’t want her to see how bad he looked. It seemed there was a lot more to it than she’d figured. “I never exactly considered myself just ‘people.’”

“You know what I mean.”

Yeah, she did. She just didn’t want to admit it. She didn’t want to admit that she’d become practically nothing in Joseph’s life. Nikol was still the only aunt, sure, but it didn’t matter anymore because she was unimportant. Hadn’t been there during some of the hardest years of his life. “There’s a lot you guys aren’t telling me.”

Ivo snorted, not even slightly amused. More like slightly pissed. “There’s a lot that Vesela isn’t telling me.”

“Do you blame her.”

“No,” Ivo sighed, shocking Nikol to no end because she hadn’t been expecting that. Ivo didn’t just give in like that. “But it doesn’t make it hurt any less. I get it, I do, but I’m still his father and I still love him and I don’t deserve to be shut out unless he decides that himself. Not her.”

Nikol wasn’t going to be the monster and mention how she saw Joseph cower only a second ago. It was a good thing Anka hadn’t seen it because she definitely would’ve. “He’s not the same. Ow!” she snapped, rubbing her nose where he had in fact flicked her after eighteen damn years. “You piece of shit!”

Looking at her bored and unamused, Ivo snorted “He’s exactly the same. You haven’t even spent a minute with him to know. He’s still a nerd, he still loves cars, he still can recite every animal in existence, he’s still my mini-me.”

“Don’t make that sound like a good thing,” Anka muttered, giving him the evil eye.

Ivo completely ignored her. “He’s still him. He’s still Joseph. He’s just…angrier.” He laughed, shaking his head as he stared out at the wall, leaning back into the seat. “He’s me. Sadly.”

“Well, gay you.” Nikol bit her chipped thumbnail, “I just don’t get how he’s gay though.”

It sounded horrible, she knew it sounded horrible but…she seriously didn’t get it. Nikol didn’t think of herself as homophobic; in fact, she didn’t even care that people could be and were gay. Man or woman. That’s what they wanted in life, then by all means, they should go for what made them happy.

She just never had expected it to happen in her family.

Ivo crossed his arms and rested his head on the wall behind them, staring up at the ugly crown molding opposite of them. “I’m…not the best at explaining this but if he finds that a man is where his eyes go…then that’s just how God made him.”

Nikol wasn’t the most religious of sorts but even she knew that to them, in their church, homosexuality was a sin. If it was, how and why did God make people that way?

“And we don’t get to go around judging how God made people. That’s that.”

“Not the most poetic of speeches,” Nikol mused, her eyes catching on Andrey, Vesela, and the boyfriend walking over. “But not bad coming from you.” She pointed at the boyfriend, something with an ‘F.’ “How long have you been the boyfriend?”

“I thought I told you not to come up,” Ivo muttered, giving the boyfriend a look to which the boy simply rolled his eyes and leaned against the wall across from them. “Duh, Finlay.”

Finlay, right. “I’m not gonna go in. I ain’t stupid. I’ve never let him get away with his bull and I ain’t starting today, thank you.” His eyes flicked over to Nikol, “And it’s been,” he pulled out his phone and glanced at the time, “almost exactly two days, ma’am.”

Oh. That was it? This kid was busy posturing as the boyfriend and it had barely been forty-eight hours? “That’s…nothing.”

Finlay’s nostrils flared and his mouth twitched as he crossed his arms, a look of defiance challenging her. “Ma’am, I don’t know how well you know your nephew, but as of two weeks ago, he was still homophobic. Us actually being an official thing is like finding out you just won the lottery.”

“I don’t think Joseph is much of a lottery win,” Anka snorted in amusement, the closest thing she gave in terms of laughs nowadays. “He’s my cousin and I love him but he looks like crap and I don’t mean because he’s been through hell the past couple weeks. He looks like a junkie.”

“He _is_ a junkie and he’s been through hell for the past couple _years_ ,” Finlay amended, that challenging glint even brighter than before. “You ever had to talk someone down from blowing out their brains? They don’t just magically get out of their hole because you managed to get the gun away.” Something clicked then, his eyes going wide. “Oh fuck… It was in July…”

Joseph had had a gun held to his head.

Joseph had had a _gun._

“And…?” Ivo asked, not even fazed by the gun. Either he already knew or it just wasn’t enough to shock him.

“Nothing,” Finlay said quickly, shaking his head like he was erasing whatever trail he had built. “Nothing. Anyways, point is, you can’t begin to assume the things he’s been through. I can’t even because while I get most of it, I don’t know all of it. But I love him and to me, him saying yes to me did feel like winning the lottery because I know where he started. Where we started.” He laughed and shrugged, a dirty smirk on his face. “And I found out I’ve got kink for dudes with tongue studs. There’s no going back for me now.”

Wow. Nikol was pretty sure she didn’t even want to know that. She didn’t even know he had a stud and really, she didn’t think she cared to know anyways.

“Also, the dude can _kiss._ Damn.”

“You can stop now.”

“Am I making you uncomfortable? Mrs. K loves a good dirty joke.”

“I do,” Vesela laughed, not even concerned to go check on her child who just threw a freaking tantrum. In fact, Ivo had just walked out like nothing. That was weird, wasn’t it? Had he fallen asleep? “Joseph hates them when they’re about him. I tell him it’s good for him.”

“We’ve made out three times already,” Finlay continued, looking particularly proud of himself, his smirk growing into an unstoppable cheeky smile. “Once in my bed, once on his car, and once here. Fabulous, lemme tell you. You guys are privy to know. If Jiang finds out I haven’t told him yet, he’ll be pissed even though that’s hypocritical because if you ask him anything about what goes on between him and Isha, he throws a pissy fit.”

She didn’t give a damn about that Jiang kid. “On not in?”

“Yup,” Finlay nodded, looking as proud as ever, “it was hot as fuck. The day before he tried to kill himself actually.” He paused, rubbing his mouth as if in memory, “That asshole loves dramatic goodbyes, doesn’t he? Last make out, last kiss, burn down the whole drag strip after kidnapping Lynch’s brother-”

“I’m sorry, did you say kidnap?” Ivo asked, sitting up straight now, in full focus. Kidnapping was apparently the only thing left to shock him. “Like…taking someone?”

Finlay nodded, looking non too pleased. “Him and Lynch got bad shit between ‘em. Dunno what, he wouldn’t tell me. Well…” Finlay’s face flushed for a minute, not meeting anyways eyes, “I think he…might’ve had a thing for him. No idea why. Lynch is bullshit. Handsome, yeah, but like, not worth it.”

“Your jealousy is showing,” Ivo laughed, stretching his long legs out and his arms to the sky. “And this Lynch-” Ivo halted mid-speech, his mouth twisting in that way that it did when he was thinking before he laughed. “Lynch. He wouldn’t happen to be the son of a ‘Niall,’ would he?”

Both surprise and curiosity sparked in Finlay’s big dark eyes. “Yeah, I think that’s his dad’s name. It’s kinda creepy though; his head was bashed in with a fucking tire iron in his _driveway_. Sounds like something you’d do, to be honest.”

“Nah, too messy,” Ivo snorted, scratching along his jaw, not even mildly offended. “Way too messy for no reason. Unless whoever killed him was leaving a message than entirely appropriate.”

“You ever leave a message like that?”

“Personally? No. Through people…” Ivo just shrugged, including his hands in on the movement with a smile on his face. “That’s up to you to decide.”

“Oh, um…should I leave?”

Turning along with everyone else, she stared at a slim blonde kid, just a couple inches taller than Anka. He had two bags – one in each hand – and a nervous smile on his face. “Two gifts?” Finlay asked, the question seeming like it gave the kid the courage to walk closer and stand beside Finlay. “It’s no fair if I’m not allowed to bring gifts and you are.”

“Hey,” Ivo snorted, crossing his arms, “I said until he gets a bigger room or goes home, not that you can never bring anything. I’ve never had allergies in my life and I’m pretty sure your flowers are killing me slowly on the inside.” He nodded at little blondey. “Why two?”

From his blushing face and trembling hands, Nikol had a feeling this boy was scared of Ivo. Honestly, though, she didn’t blame him. Ivo could be terrifying. “Um…um, well,” he cut himself off with a pained yelp as Finlay slapped him on the back and rolled his eyes. “Ow! I was getting there!”

“Dude, my flowers are killing him. Don’t worry, he can’t kill you with an allergy-riddled body.”

Looking annoyed as hell, the blonde boy said “One is because he had surgery and that’s what you do when someone gets out of surgery and the other is a ‘happy coming out’ gift because that’s what people should do because it’s not easy for a person to tell such a deep secret when it’s caused them so much pain. Yesterday’s gift was ‘yay! You’re not dead!’”

“You think I should get something for those too then?” Finlay mumbled, scratching under his ear. “I shouldn’t be empty handed.”

“Please stop getting things,” Ivo sighed. “You love him, he gets it. No more flowers. No more stuffed animals. He can’t eat sweets right now.”

“I could get books.”

“Did he open my gift yesterday?” the blonde interrupted, eyes wide and curious. “Did he like it?” He blinked in confusion for a moment, glancing around at everyone. “Why is everyone outside? I thought we’re not supposed to leave him alone.”

“Oh, he cried himself to sleep,” Ivo answered. He didn’t seem bothered by his words. In fact, to him, it just seemed like that was the way it was supposed to be. “He had a bit of a tantrum and then he decided that he was going to go find you,” he pointed an accusing finger at Finlay “to apologize because he was convinced you’d dump him. He nearly popped the stitches in his thigh _and_ arm” Finlay’s eyes went wide with panic “because he was trying to walk around.”

“Why do you guys make everything sound like it’s not a big deal?” Nikol couldn’t help but snap, giving both her sister and brother-in-law glares. Typical of course, they returned them without a care. Like Nikol’s annoyance didn’t do a thing to affect them. It probably didn’t. “For God’s sake, can you two act like you care a little more or something?”

It was harsh, she knew it. “Don’t you fucking dare,” Vesela hissed, her body going taunt like a rubber band ready to snap with her fists clenched tight by her sides. “Don’t you dare. You’ve been here for not even a day. You don’t get to make judgements-”

“He’s a freaking mess, Vesela! And he sounds close to insane, you realize that, right? Shouting one second and crying the next?” She wanted to snap at some stupid Asian lady just standing there watching them but she wasn’t done with her sister yet. “What is he, a woman pms-ing?”

“No, he’s just a young man going through a rough time,” the short woman laughed as if anything at all was funny. “And some of his days are a little rougher than others.”

“Who the hell are you?”

“Dr. Cindee Cho,” the woman answered with a soft smile that Nikol had to admit, had some weird calming effect to it. “I’m, for the time being, Joseph’s therapist.”

Therapist. “Does he need a therapist?” Ivo snorted so loud that everyone gave him a look. But not everyone’s looks were the same because it seemed to be only Nikol bothered by him. “I’m just surprised,” she explained, smiling back at the doctor and wishing she could yank her younger sister to the side so they could have a good long talk about keeping things from her. “I didn’t know he needed one. How long have you been working with him?”

“Oh, I’m still in what he’d call the probationary stages,” Dr. Cho laughed, easily answering and yet not answering her question. She spoke to Vesela, “I know he had surgery today so I just want to say hello if that’s okay. Let him know I got around to that cheesecake. I tried a different brand and I think it can grow on me.”

Vesela laughed, looking more at ease with this woman than she did with Nikol. It pissed her off, really. “You’re more than welcome. I think he’s still asleep but you can go ahead and take a peek.”


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Am I still working on those same old Snapshots? yes, yes I am. I promise soon. I've been taking summer classes and my bio class is insane. I also have a mostly done dream pack fourth of july snapshot coming too!
> 
> Enjoy and of course, leave comments and kudos because that's nice, y'all
> 
> _“I should be angry and yet here I am thinking you guys are cute. Ugh.”_

It was one question today instead of twenty. Because of that, the rule was that they had to give an honest full answer.

_What are you scared of, Joseph?_

“Everything,” Joseph laughed. He laughed but he was sad and hurt and stuck in the conundrum that was his emotions. “Everything.”

Dr. Cho nodded, seeming like she was processing his answer really well. Joseph had awakened to her sitting on the cot, sketching in her notepad. It’d surprised him but somehow, he’d found himself pleased from the surprise. She was the fresh face he needed right now. “We agreed on honest full answers.”

“Oh trust me, that is incredibly honest and all-encompassing,” Joseph replied, the corner of his mouth twitching up like it was attempting to smile. He still hadn’t apologized to Finlay and it made him feel horrible. His mother had come in earlier and assured him that Finlay had only gone home to shower and relax for the day. He would be coming back tonight.

Joseph knew she wasn’t lying but he was still worried.

“Well then can you elaborate for me?”

Elaborate. That could take a while. Joseph seriously was afraid of everything. Biting on his cracked lip, Joseph stared down at his good hand, unable to look at the other which was up in the sling. There had been pain for a bit but his mother had made sure that it’d been managed before going back out to give him and Dr. Cho alone time. “The dark scares me the most,” he whispered, heat filling his face as shame filled his chest. He couldn’t seem to find a way to grow out of this one. With every passing year, it only got worse instead of better.

“It can be a scary place,” Dr. Cho murmured, pushing her round glasses up her nose. “It’s filled with much more than most people realize.”

She almost sounded like she got it. Did she? But then…she was a therapist, versed in many ways of psychology, so maybe she just knew how to talk. To act like she understood him. “Oh yeah? Enlighten me then.” Dr. Cho smiled, almost like he just fulfilled her dreams. Something told him that somehow, he’d just played into her hands.

And Joseph realized that he in fact had.

“You’re a smart one,” he muttered, rolling his eyes and wishing so badly that he could cross his arms in the defiance he was feeling.

“I know you don’t trust me yet,” Dr. Cho said, leaning forward on her legs, “I understand that. But if it makes you feel better, I tried cheesecake again. I think I can get behind the brand I ate.”

Joseph tried his hardest not to smile. He really really did but he couldn’t help it. She’d tried cheesecake again just for him. Now that was a devoted therapist. “Oh yeah?” She nodded. “Well then, doctor, you and me might be on the right track somewhere.”

“Have you ever gotten lost? Taken a wrong turn?”

Joseph considered the rando ass question for a moment while petting Saint Bernard Finlay. “Honestly? I don’t think so. I’m pretty damn good with directions. Even when I got here, I figured out the streets easily. The closest thing to lost would be…” What would it be? He didn’t typically get lost… “I wandered in Jersey City once. But I wasn’t exactly lost, just wandering to clear my head. Once I was paying attention again, I got home easily. Well,” Joseph couldn’t but interrupt himself with a laugh, “I was on the right track but my uncle found me and drove me home.”

The sudden urge to talk to tetíncho Yulian hit him hard.

“Do you get more lost in the dark?”

Flipping questions. She was good. Very good. “Who doesn’t?”

Dr. Cho nodded, smiling at his avoidance tactics. “We promised honest answers. Curves don’t count. Let’s talk about the dark and we’ll worry about the rest of ‘everything’ later.” Joseph surprised himself when he nodded. He couldn’t believe he was actually agreeing. But his agreement made her smile glow and Joseph couldn’t help but preen at that approval. “When did you start fearing the dark?”

“I guess from when I was little,” he replied with a shrug. “All kids are scared of the dark for a time. But…mine grew instead of lessened. I’ve…had one too many bad experiences in the dark. Accumulate that with…” _severe nightmares_ , he wanted to laugh, _along with a fucked brain_ “with other factors and…yeah…”

“How about we dig into those experiences? One at a time.”

Joseph clutched Saint Bernard Finlay closer to his stomach, keeping his thumb petting his little head. He wanted the real Finlay but real Finlay needed rest and Joseph wanted him to have as much as he needed. “I’m…I’m sure you’ve heard a lot of rumors about me, yeah?” Dr. Cho shrugged. “I know that you probably don’t really consider them because you seem the type who likes to form her own opinions but…”

“There’s some truth hiding in a few?”

“My dad really is a mobster,” Joseph replied as he nodded. “That’s not a lie. And, well, he’s a big cheese in the tri-state area. Big cheeses make enemies.”

“I bet those enemies tried one or two times to take it out on the baby cheese.”

Laughing despite the seriousness of the subject he was about to delve into, Joseph said “Yeah. When I was seven, a guy who used to work for him kidnapped me from the street.”

It was funny putting this into words after so many years. It’d been a decade, more, and besides for the once when he cried his heart out to Emilio about it, this was the only time he’d spoken the words aloud. He was speaking them aloud and yet, he was indifferent about it. Too much had happened in his life afterwards that this seemed so small in comparison. Anton still haunted him at his worst moments but bigger demons had taken over up to this point.

“I’d been making a snowman,” he continued, an almost nostalgic feeling taking over. “I was looking for rocks for the smile. He snatched me and broke my favorite bracelet. And my arm.”

“I see the bracelet was a bit more important,” Dr. Cho pointed out in amusement.

“It was irreplaceable but my grandfather had a jeweler make me a replica of it for my eighth birthday. Anyways, dude snatches me, I wake up in a dark ass closet. I stayed there for a night and my dad and grandfather got me back the next day.” He paused, staring down at little Finlay as he played with his ear. “I knew that my grandfather would do anything to get me back. But…it wasn’t until that day that I knew that my father would too.”

“You had your doubts.”

“I was only seven but I was aware enough to take note of how I was treated compared to everyone else. Mobsters have an outside and an inside, Ms. Cho, and sometimes, my dad’s outside came home with him. It wasn’t until someone took me away that the both of us realized that we wanted and could be better than what we were. It wasn’t until someone tried to kill his child that he found a way to keep his promise to be everything his father wasn’t. To make sure that he wasn’t everything that he’d hated in his own father.”

“You hold that against him.”

He used to. “It bothered me how it took something so drastic for him to be able to tell me he loved me. But that was before. I forgave him for that long ago. His life wasn’t easy and I know that’s not an excuse but that also means that I can understand and…” Brushing away the tears building up in his eyes, Joseph whispered down at little Finlay “And I’ve spent my whole life wishing people would just try to understand me. Understand my feelings. My frustrations. My pain. If I spend my time putting my effort to understand someone, then they’d take their time to understand me. By me trying to understand them and them trying to understand me, we help each other in understanding ourselves.”

They might’ve spent years apart which had widened a hell of a gap but there were parts of him that only his father ever understood. And there were parts of his father that only Joseph understood.

“In the dark of that closet,” Joseph murmured, wishing that he had Mr. Cat clutched tight in his arm, “I was scared of dying. Of being hurt more than I was. But I was more afraid of facing the truth that my dad might not care enough to want me back. That day, they let me talk to him on the phone and in that one minute we got to speak, for the first time in my tiny seven years, I heard fear in his voice. Fear. Fear for me and I’d never felt so…amazed at him before.”

There was the crinkle of a page and Joseph knew she was writing but he couldn’t find it within himself to mind. “It shocked you.”

“People think,” Joseph began softly, “that kids don’t understand things. That they’re unaware to the world. But by the time I was four, I already knew how to dissect my father’s tone of voice. To anyone outside, it would just sound normal. Charming even. But I paid attention to every little nuance, every little dip or rise of tone, so I knew how to read him. I listened because when I paid hard enough attention, I’d know when to stay out of sight, when to put on a smile, or when to stay quiet. No one except my mother would have been able to tell that he was afraid that day.”

“But you did.”

Joseph nodded, biting his lip as he thought for a moment. “My dad was scared for me. And hearing that fear in his voice is to this day one of the happiest moments in my life. Because I found out that day that he really does love me even if he’s shit at showing it sometimes.”

“Do you like having him here with you?”

“Yes,” Joseph said, not sparing a second in answering because it was truth. It meant everything that he was here. “I feel safer when he’s around because I know that he’d go to hell for me. I know that, even in my most hateful thoughts. Even in the times where I’m so confused on what and why I’m feeling a certain way, I know that my parents would do anything for me. Have done almost anything for me.”

“Do you get confused a lot about how you feel, Joseph?”

He blinked up at her and laughed. Did he? Yeah, yeah he did.

Every freaking fucking minute.

“You know why I’m so scared of the dark, Ms. Cho?” She shook her head, her face open and earnest and ready for anything he might say. He didn’t know why, but it made him feel good. “Sure, there’s monsters under the bed or in the closet and, yeah, I can’t see anything which makes my heart ready to burst out of my chest. I’ve been in locked closets, car trunks, and abandoned buildings. The dark gives me nightmares scarier than any horror movie. But none of those things are what makes me so terrified.”

What scared him the most about the dark was something much different.

“In the dark, there’s nothing but the truth. And that, doctor, is scarier than anything else.”

It scared him more than anything. There was no running no matter how fast you tried to go.

“When you’re in the dark, there’s nothing but you. Me and my head and my thoughts. I have no choice but to start thinking because I’m the only one there. I’m the only one I can see. During the day, I can busy myself with a million things to shut down my brain but in the night, in the pitch blackness, there’s only ever me. Me, my doubts, my fears, my hate, and my pain. And not one of those things do I understand.” He clenched his jaw for a moment, holding back the burn in his throat and hoping to stop it from coming through to his voice. “I’m scared of the dark because there’s only me and I’m _scared_ of me because I just don’t understand a thing about myself.”

Only when she held out a tissue box for him did he realize that he was crying. Pulling out a couple with which he wiped his nose and eyes, Joseph cried “If me, Joseph Kavinsky, doesn’t understand a thing about myself, or about my emotions, or feelings, or frustrations, how i-in the fucking hell are p-people going to be able to? If I don’t know why I’m upset or mad or crying, how are people – my parents, my freaking boyfriend – supposed to? Why be around someone who’s too stupid to understand themselves? Why bother to be with me when I’m not worth the time? Nothing is stopping anyone from leaving me behind a-and I don’t even blame them. Because I…don’t get me either.”

“Are you afraid they’re going to abandon you?”

“I wouldn’t blame them,” Joseph repeated, his voice cracking on every word as he took another tissue. “What am I scared of? Of the dark, Ms. Cho, because all I can find there is me and I’m scared of me because I don’t even know who or what the fuck I am. And that terrifies me more than anything else ever could. A person should be able to understand themselves and I don’t understand a single thing.” Picking up Saint Bernard Finlay and staring into those brown eyes that were almost as deep and as soulful as the real Finlay, Joseph whispered “If I don’t understand me, why would anyone else?”

More than half the time, Joseph couldn’t even decipher his own emotions. Words never seemed to capture the way he felt. More than half the time, Joseph felt more lost than even could be imagined.

More than half the time, Joseph just wished he could understand his feelings so that other people could understand him too.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Hi y'all! So to the person whom I'm assuming came from here and followed me over on tumblr, thank you! You haven't gone unnoticed. Emilio's story has finally been updated for those of you who read (you should, just saying)  
> To my fellow muslims, Eid is this friday so eid mubarak! I may possibly maybe you never know do something special or something something. Idk yet. I'll probs save it for the next update date so that way y'all don't forget or something.  
> Something
> 
> Anyways, enjoy!
> 
> _“I want him here. I don’t remember wanting you. I don’t even remember thinking about you.”_

“What up, Mr. K?” Finlay laughed as he walked up behind the older man getting himself even more coffee. If he weren’t dead already, Finlay just might be concerned that he’d have a heart attack from all that caffeine. “Can you buy me a smoothie?”

Joseph’s father didn’t bother turning as he paid the cashier, no suspicion at Finlay apparently. Good because that’d been what he’d been hoping for. He wanted the full element of this man’s reaction once he turned. “Yeah, sure. Add a…”

“Mango,” Finlay supplied, clutching Fluffs tight against his body. The cashier was giving him this huge ‘fuck’ smile so Finlay winked to make the dude happy.

“A mango smoothie, please,” Mr. Kavinsky said, handing over a few extra dollars. “Thanks.”

In three, two, one…

“What the fuck is that.”

Finlay broke into raucous laughter, maybe a little too loud for this time of evening. But he couldn’t help it from the dumbfounded look on Mr. Kavinsky’s face as he stared down Fluffs. “Do you like him?”

Mr. Kavinsky stared at Fluffs for a few seconds longer before turning annoyed eyes on Finlay. He hadn’t planned on showing him first but he and Skov had been passing the café and Finlay had caught Joseph’s father waiting in line on his phone. He decided that he was going to bug him a bit.

Skov, of course, vehemently opposed the idea, deciding that he’d prefer to wait by the elevator.

Coward.

“I…” he shut his eyes for a moment before reopening them “You did this on purpose.”

“Hell yeah.”

Shaking his head as his mouth did this smile yet frown maneuver, Mr. K snorted “Fuck you, kid, fuck you and your passive aggressiveness. Jesus Christ. Grab your goddamn smoothie.”

“No hands, pops.”

Rolling his eyes – where Joseph had gotten it from – Mr. Kavinsky grabbed the drink from the counter and led the way out of the café. “I thought you were too tired to come back today.”

Oh, he’d definitely been too tired but something told him his bae needed him and there’d been a burning desire to kiss him goodnight so here Finlay was. “I wanted to kiss him goodnight in front of your sister-in-law.”

“Yup, passive aggressive.” He hardly sounded annoyed though. In fact, Joseph’s father sounded like he approved. Skov came into view, holding a bag in each hand because he hadn’t been willing to let someone give them to Joseph for him when he’d left earlier. “Ah, little blondie came too?”

“Try not to scare him too much. Elevators are close quarters, you know.”

Skov was about to smile for Finlay, he could tell, but then his half-formed smile morphed into a horrified ‘o’ before he blushed and smiled again. Much less of an inviting smile and more of a ‘uh…yo.’ “Hi, Mr. Kavinsky.”

“Bl…ake? was it?” Skov nodded as he pushed the up button. “Why didn’t you stop this idiot?”

That actually got a laugh out of the tiny blonde as they walked in and went up on their way. “We met up here and I was just as shocked.” An annoyed glint flashed in Finlay’s direction. “Because, you know, I had no idea about these feelings that no one wanted to share with me.”

“We didn’t share with anyone,” Finlay sighed, exhausted that they’d been through this a gazillion times already. This boy was always so damn sensitive. “No one knew, man. I’ve told you his already.”

“Jiang knew. Jiang knows.”

“Jiang’s a perceptive bastard,” Finlay tried to explain as they walked out the elevator and down the hall. “He knew I liked Joseph before _I_ even knew I liked him, alright? Jesus, man, take a fucking breather or you’ll end up with blood pressure or something.”

“Everyone has blood pressure,” Skov snorted and Finlay didn’t need to look at him to know he rolled his eyes. He didn’t even need to look at Mr. K to know that he was amused as fuck by all this. “If you’re talking about _high_ blood pressure, then it’s called hypertension.”

“Listen, smartass, don’t make me hit you.”

“Please shut up the pair of you,” Mr. Kavinsky sighed as he opened the door to Joseph’s room and walked in. “Your boyfriend is an extra sort of bastard, isn’t he?”

He heard but couldn’t really see Joseph snort in amusement because Finlay was making sure Fluffs was up front and center as he walked in. “What do you think?” Finlay said with the straightest face he could muster as he peeked around Fluffs at his bae looking exhausted as fuck in bed with his jaw unhinged. Technically, they hadn’t made up but Finlay was going to let it go. By the looks of it, Joseph had had a rough day. “Tadaa!”

Joseph snorted, a painful sounding one like he was holding back, before he let his laughter explode out, his head being thrown back into his pillow and his good hand covering his face as best as it could. He was literally turning red as he laughed so beautifully like Finlay had never heard.

Finlay grinned. He was feeling like a damn winner right now.

“Do you like him?”

Skov squeezed by and glanced around nervously for a spot to sit but there was of course none. The room was small as it was and now they had three extra people who didn’t seem to want to leave yet, Mr. K, Mrs. K, and now him and Skov.

Way too cramped. But it showed how much they cared, right?

Eventually, Skov settled on standing beside the cot, trying to make himself as tiny as possible as he stood next to where Mr. K sat, sipping his coffee. Mr. K held out Finlay’s smoothie, “You want it?”

“Hey, hey,” Finlay griped to the sound of Joseph’s laughs going down. “That’s mine. You can’t give it away.”

“I was foolish when I bought it. I should’ve turned around first.” He nudged Skov with the smoothie, “Take it.”

“He doesn’t like mango. Stop giving away my shit, man. Sir. Dude. Person. Yo.”

“Yo doesn’t even work.”

“Unless you’re Jiang,” Joseph laughed, holding out his working arm. “Gimme, gimme. I want my bear.”

As if he’d just give it to him. Ha. Walking over – it was a squeeze for him and Fluffs – and purposefully stuffing himself in front of the aunt because he wanted her to be front and center for this, Finlay set Fluffs in Joseph’s lap – a bit of a struggle on account of how large he was – and leaned in, capturing Joseph’s lips in a yumtastic kiss.

Yeah, yumtastic, bitches.

Just to make sure he covered all angles that might need covering, he whispered against the mouth that’d be even more fabulous once Finlay finally got that chapstick “You’re forgiven. Don’t worry about it.”

Pure pleasure ran through Joseph’s eyes as they lit up and his mouth curved into a beautiful smile. Jesus, this guy could get under his skin easy. “Yeah?”

“Yeah, asshole. Next time, I kick your ass.”

“Fair enough,” Joseph replied, his smile even bigger than before. “But of course, you’d have to actually win to do that, yeah?”

Straightening and crossing his arms with a snort, Finlay asked “You actually think you can beat me? Bitch, when have you _ever_ beaten me in a fight? The only thing on your side is your height.”

“And my knife,” Joseph said with a wink to his overdone smile. “No one said I had to play fair. I won that one time if you recall.”

“Ehm,” Skov interrupted before actually clearing his throat for real so they’d look at him. He raised his arm and tapped the long thin scar, the bag hooked on his wrist waving with the motion. “I recall, thank you very much.”

One of Joseph’s fingers on his hand clutching Fluffs by the middle twitched and he sounded substantially less happy. Finlay did not approve of Skov’s reminder. “Why the fuck you gotta be morbid about it? I apologized.” Skov pursed his lips. “Don’t be a bitchy Buster. God.”

“A bitchy Buster.”

“Yup,” Joseph replied, turning his attention to Fluffs, apparently done with the conversation. Patting Fluffs big pleather nose, Joseph murmured “He needs a name…”

“I already named him,” Finlay said. “He’s Fluffs.”

“And I thought Joseph was bad at names,” Mr. Kavinsky muttered darkly. “Jesus fucking Christ.”

“Blasphemy,” Joseph yawned, rubbing Fluffs head slowly like he was enjoying the soft brown fur. Finlay had hugged three different stuffed animals to find the fluffiest. Looking tired as hell, he stared up at Finlay from the comfort of his pillow, blinking slowly from the need to sleep. Hopefully Skov would give him the presents first because he’d have a fit if another day went by without Joseph opening them. “I love him. Thank you.”

For some reason, those sleepy eyes made him blush and his blood to go south like it shouldn’t right now. It was definitely not the time for dirty thoughts. Stealing those lips for his own again and hoping he was making the aunt lady uncomfortable, Finlay whispered so low that only Joseph could make out each individual word “You’re welcome, my queen.”

Joseph’s mouth stretched into a smile, almost a smirk, as he sucked in Finlay’s bottom lip, nursing it like it was the most amazing thing in the world. If he was having problems keeping the blood up in his head before, it was a lost cause now and fucking embarrassing in a room full of people. Skov wouldn’t have been a problem but everyone else sure was.

“Oh-kay,” the aunt cut in, “there are people sitting.”

Letting off Finlay’s lip, Joseph peeked around Finlay and smiled. But it was a nasty smile. It was the _Kavinsky_ smile. “If you don’t like what you see, then you can fuck off, Nikol.”

“Joseph,” Mr. Kavinsky warned, a hardness matching in both eyes and tone. “Respect.”

“Sorry,” though he sure didn’t look it, “If you don’t like what you see, then you can fuck off, _tétka_.” If anything, the sentence came out even nastier than before. Not that Finlay disagreed with him but he didn’t have to be so…Kavinsky about it. “It is my room and in the confines of my room, I get to do as I please provided it does not endanger my health. Kissing my _boyfriend_ ” he stressed the word in such a breathy tone that Finlay knew that unless he has the coldest shower today, there was no rest for him, “is actually very good for my health.”

“It’s good for mine too,” Finlay agreed as he rubbed at his swollen lip. “Really good.”

“I hate both of you,” Skov muttered darkly, crossing his arms and sending the evilest puppy glare he could their way. “I should be angry and yet here I am thinking you guys are cute. Ugh.”

“Aw,” Joseph crooned and there was a spark of Kavinsky there but the Kavinsky that loved to annoy people. Embarrass them. A part of Kavinsky that was probably as close as it came to Joseph’s personality. “You think I’m cute? I think you’re cute too, pups.” Skov blushed, his pale skin running through the shades of red so fast, it was hard to keep track of them. “Trust me, me and Jiang talked about you _all_ the time.”

It was a joke, he knew it was a joke…mostly, but jealousy struck Finlay like nothing else.

“Oh my God,” Skov groaned, covering his burning face with his hands, the bags still hooked on each wrist, “shut up. You’re not funny. Jiang is an embarrassment to mankind-”

“He’s got the best dirty jokes though,” Mrs. Kavinsky cut in with a laugh. “They’re great. I love them.”

Skov’s blush ran deeper but Finlay wasn’t sure why. “They’re stupid, especially because he always makes me a target. If I wasn’t worried he’d hurt me, I’d punch him.”

“No you wouldn’t,” Finlay snorted, rolling his eyes. Skov barely had it in him to punch someone, not to punch Jiang of all people. “You’d piss your pants the minute he would look at you. Punch him, my ass.”

“I can fight,” Skov mumbled indignantly pouting those specific lips that Jiang did in fact talk about. A lot.

Finlay nudged Joseph with a careful hand and nodded at Skov. “He can fight.”

“I can!”

“If you can fight,” Joseph snorted, returning his focus to Fluffs, checking him out from all angles that were possible. It wasn’t much more than his face being that it wasn’t easy flipping him around with one arm and limited space. “Then I’m not suicidal. I am in fact suicidal, ergo, you cannot fight.”

“I thought I make everything morbid.”

“Hey, I’m just talking truth. I’m a realist. I’m thinking of trying hanging ne- _fuck!_ ”

It was an unconscious movement, he hadn’t meant it. It’d just felt natural because when Kavinsky said something stupid, they hit him for it. Joseph who happened to be Kavinsky had said something incredibly stupid so, Finlay had whacked him for it.

He just…maybe shouldn’t have slammed him on his half-burned chest…near where he’d gotten a couple grafts. Today.

Fuck.

Everyone’s jaws had either dropped or tightened with a pained wince.

Aw, man, he’d fucked up. He had to tread carefully before he set off the bomb sitting in Joseph. “Sorry…?”

“Sorry?” Joseph snapped, the very _very_ Kavinsky fire in his eyes as he glared at Finlay, his good hand rubbing carefully where Finlay had hit him. “Are you fucking stupid, you fucking bitch?”

If he dared to say ‘bitch boy,’ Finlay was walking out the door. He had some fucking dignity left. “I wasn’t thinking-”

“No shit!”

Their tempers had never gotten along before to get along now. “Well maybe you shouldn’t say such dumbass stuff! It’s not a fucking joke!”

“Just because I survived,” Joseph snarled, no, _Kavinsky_ snarled, his lip curled into something ugly and his eyes screaming murder, “doesn’t mean shit. It just means I fucked up. Again. You’re in love with a dead man, Finlay. Better high tail it while you can, _bitch boy_.”

He did on purpose. He fucking did it on purpose. Even Skov knew it from the way his eyes went wide and his mouth dropped. Clenching his jaw so hard that his teeth hurt, Finlay couldn’t find it within himself to let this slide this time. If Joseph thought that he could get away with this every single time he got upset, he was wrong as fuck. And he wasn’t going to learn that until Finlay did something about it.

It was harsh given his current predicament and mindset but maybe a little harsh was the right way to go. It seemed to be working for Mrs. K, didn’t it? “I changed my mind, you’re not forgiven.” Joseph didn’t even seem to care, probably because in his mind, he’d already gotten the forgiveness. “In fact, don’t expect me tomorrow or the day or the day after that. Until you can act like a fucking decent human being to me, I don’t want to see you. Have a good fucking night, you piece of shit.”

 _That_ got him the reaction he was looking for.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> School just started yesterday for me (online obviously altho I usually take online anyways so nothing new for me). How 'bout y'all? Anybody else start?  
> Also, I keep putting four years but I think I might've counted wrong? I think it's more like three and a few months. But I'm like...too lazy to go check lol
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> _“Ah! Lord Hideous, it’s been a long time, my friend!”_

“Get out,” Joseph said, unwilling to have people watch him fall into his panic that Finlay really did mean he wasn’t going to come back. Him leaving, just the door closing behind him, felt ominous and dangerous as fuck. “Everyone, just…out. Now. Fucking. Now.”

He’d brought him the cutest biggest damn bear in the world and kisses, he’d brought him delicious kisses, and Joseph had thanked him by hitting him in the one spot he knew, he fucking _knew_ hurt Finlay the most.

Fuck, he was a monster. He deserved to be dumped.

When nobody moved, Joseph shut his eyes and tried to remember how to breathe before he blew into a rage. “Get the fuck out. Now, please.”

They should be happy he even bothered to add ‘please.’

“Joseph,” his mother started, her tone careful, assessing even, like she was feeling the waters to see where exactly his head was at right now.

His head was in fact cursing him to hell because this was his fault. Joseph deserved it. Joseph deserved to be dumped and abandoned because he was a bad boyfriend. In fact, he didn’t even _deserve_ a boyfriend. Jiang would never hit Isha where it hurt. “I want everyone out now. Right now, mayko.”

She squeezed in past Skov and took his hand, making sure they were face to face. “They were just leaving. Your tétka’s really tired from her trip anyways. They’re going.” His mother sent a meaningful glance his tétka’s way. “And I’m sure Blake’s got places to be-”

“Oh, I’m not leaving.”

Joseph turned his head to stare at the tiny blonde, defiant as ever with his arms crossed and whatever those bags were still on his wrists. “That’s not your choice, prodigy. Get out.”

“No.”

“Blake,” his mother began patiently, though Joseph could tell that her patience wasn’t going to last. Should he push like earlier and see how far he could go? It was tempting, he had to admit. “Come back-”

“Nope,” Skov interrupted, popping the ‘p.’ He smiled at Joseph, bright and evil at the same damn time. “I’m not leaving. By all means, throw everyone else out, but I’m not going anywhere. I came to visit you and I’m getting my damn visit. No compromises.”

It was one of those moments where he was confused on how he felt. Joseph was still upset but he was angry. Thing was, he wasn’t just angry, his heart hurt. His head hurt. But with Skov’s words, he felt a tingle that might’ve meant he was happy that someone was fighting against his anger. Like no matter how difficult he was being, he wasn’t being abandoned as readily as Finlay had just up and left him. “You’re a fucking idiot.”

But he couldn’t help but love that.

Skov shrugged though Joseph did in fact catch the little flash of worry that ran through his eyes. “Maybe. But I bought you gifts and I want to see you open them. It’s my right, actually. I took the time and effort to specially pick each thing for you.”

“Now you must reap the rewards?”

“Something like that,” Skov replied cheekily with a smile, winking in such a cute way that Joseph knew Finlay wouldn’t be happy for Joseph thinking like that.

Not that it mattered anyways. It wasn’t Finlay’s business being that he just abandoned him like he was lower than a pile of shit.

The wave of furious frustration that had washed upon him began to slowly recede as he stared at that smile. Stupid Skov. “Ugh, fuck, fine.” Skov cheered as he gave a round of victorious applause. “Everyone else go damn home. Fuck, gimme space. Ow,” he muttered, his mother tilting his head to face her with a tug of his ear. “What?”

She kissed his nose before flicking it for no damn reason. “I love you.”

“Naw, shit,” he couldn’t help but laugh, making her roll her eyes.

“We’re having a serious talk later, though.”

Yeah, that didn’t sound ominous or anything. He’d make sure to fall asleep the minute Skov left. Joseph had a feeling he just might know what she wanted to serious talk about. “You should probs go home and sleep. You know, get that beauty sleep and all. I’ve done plenty of serious talking today. Trust me.”

It was his mistake; he shouldn’t have mentioned it. Sitting down on the edge of the bed, his mother titled her head in curiosity and asked “How do you like Dr. Cho so far? I just realized I haven’t heard any complaints. She must be as good as Gwen said, huh?”

He couldn’t stop the heat that filled his face. Joseph did in fact…kind of sort of maybe did like her but he didn’t want anyone catching onto that _already_. Goddamn, give a man a chance to breathe. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Is she a psychologist?” Skov asked, curiosity peaked. “That’s great! Is she good? You have to make sure it’s someone you’re comfortable with or else talking is going to be super hard and uncomfortable. You want someone who you feel like you don’t have to be ashamed in front of. Embarrassed.”

It almost sounded like…Skov actually knew what he was talking about. Beyond the clinical ‘everyone knows about therapists.’

Joseph was intrigued.

“You ever seen a therapist?” Skov blushed his deep red that went from the tip of his ears down the entirety of his chest, glancing around at the occupants of the room. Joseph knew immediately that the answer was yes and that Skov didn’t want the world to hear about it. “Everyone, fuck off. Goodnight. Ow, mayko,” he muttered, his voice nasally as fuck on account of his mother grabbing him by the nose, “goddammit, lady.”

With her grasp on his nose not letting up anytime soon, his mother twisted it side to side, causing him to grunt in pain. Didn’t she know that his septum was total crap? He could totally start bleeding right now. “That is not how we say goodnight to visitors. Manners.”

He hadn’t used manners in years. How in the hell did she expect him just to pull them back out of his ass? Did she get how much work that was? “Mayko- fuck, stop that,” he muttered all nasally as she twisted his nose again. He was against her one handed. Hell, technically half handed because even his left had suffered some damage from that damn IV. “Okay, okay,” Joseph griped, pushing her hand away. “Fuck. Goodnight. Jesus. Thank you for coming. Goodbye.”

“That’s better than I expected,” Andrey laughed as he got to his feet, carefully leaning over Joseph so they were face to face. He didn’t appreciate his space being invaded but this was Andrey and Andrey had always been safe. “Goodnight, you idiot, and tomorrow, we’re watching hours of footage of my baby’s life so prepare yourself.”

“Aw, you have a baby,” Skov crooned, seriously lost in the thought like it even mattered. It wasn’t like he knew Andrey and yet just the thought of him having a baby seemed to have Skov swooning. “Boy or girl?”

“Girl,” Andrey said with pride, yanking out his phone and shoving it up at Skov, Joseph assuming that there was a picture on that screen. “Josephine. We named her after this asshole.”

“That’s so cute!”

“Oh dear God,” Joseph sighed. Skov had been encouraged into his cutesy voice. There was no going back now. “Don’t encourage-”

Completely ignoring Joseph, Andrey showed Skov more pictures. “Right? It’s great. She’s great. She’s so smart already too! And sweet. I was kind of worried she’d…get her mom’s attitude-”

“I thought you loved Ivet’s ‘fuck you up’ demeanor.”

“-but she’s a complete sweetheart. Literally, all she’ll do all day is giggle.”

It was ridiculous, but Joseph had a strike of jealousy ripping through him. He’d had enough issues in his life making friends, had finally made some really cool ones, had finally _acknowledged_ that they were his friends, and in a second, Andrey had already charmed one. Because Andrey had _always_ been the charmer. It was ridiculous, sure, but Joseph’s feelings were always ridiculous.

“If I had a baby,” Joseph snorted, wishing he could just fucking cross his damn arms, “she’d be cuter. And even more fucking giggly.”

His mother laughed and cupped his face, leaning in a pressing a kiss to his cheek. “I’m waiting for those grandkids, you know. I don’t care if your adopting, surrogating, or whatever, but you’re giving me babies.”

“I actually would also like those babies,” his father laughed, raising his hand as he sipped Finlay’s forgotten smoothie. “I want to spoil a baby. And buy shit for a baby.”

“Why?” tétka Nikol snorted, crossing her arms like Joseph had been dying to do, “It’s not like you gave a damn about your own baby.”

His father’s face turned stormy. It was one of those storms that made history, full of thunder, lightning, and maybe even some tornadoes. Hurricanes. Just full out hell that caused destruction. With his jaw clenching tight, his father swallowed the huge lump of fury in his throat and spat “Bitch, don’t you fuck-”

The ringing of his phone cut him off.

With a grimace and a yank of it out of his pocket, his father rolled his eyes as he stood and answered the phone, walking out to the ‘privacy’ of a hospital hall. His tétka’s judgmental gaze followed him out before she herself rolled her eyes. “Why the fuck is he even here?”

Why the fuck did she think she got to make that call? It wasn’t her damn business. “Why the fuck are you here?” Joseph couldn’t help but snap, turning his sharp gaze and tone on her. No one had even asked her to be here anyways. “I want him here. I don’t remember wanting you. I don’t even remember thinking about you.”

The hurt on her face was satisfying. He didn’t even feel an ounce of regret at his words. Whether anyone wanted to admit it or not, his father understood him the best after his mother. And Joseph wanted that. “Well,” his tétka said slowly, the words barely slipping through her clenched teeth, “you’ve had a long day and I’m sure we all need a little sleep-”

She was trying to justify his behavior. The sooner she understood that there was no justifying, the better.

“-so goodnight and…” she looked at his mother, “where do we stay?”

“In the monstrosity,” his mother snorted, rolling her eyes before kissing Joseph again and getting to her feet. “Everyone out, let’s go before they throw poor Blake out for overstaying past visiting hours.”

Skov blushed but nodded, his bags clutched tight in his hands. “Yeah, yeah, go, please, because like,” he raised his bags, “my gifts.”

His mother laughed, making Skov blush even harder and suddenly…Joseph had an inkling about something. It made him want to laugh. Laugh so bad. This idiot was too much. “His gifts.”

It took them another five minutes just to get the hell out and once they were, it was oddly quiet. Creepily quiet. But…Joseph liked it. Preferred it even. “Alright, let’s have a look before you burst.”

“Yes!” Skov shouted with glee, his fists – and bags for that matter – raised to the sky. “Okay, okay, okay,” Joseph smiled as he watched him, an excited chicken without a head, “so…we need to open the box first.” Setting his bags down on the cot, he peeked around until he found his box, setting it down carefully on Joseph’s lap after moving Fluffs onto the cot. It felt wrong to have Fluffs so far away. “Okay, so this one is the ‘yay, you’re not dead’ one.”

“Yay, you’re not dead, huh,” Joseph murmured as he stared at the meticulously wrapped box. He definitely couldn’t do this with one hand. “You’re gonna need to open it for me.”

“Oh! I’m sorry!” Skov said, his face flaming with embarrassment. It wasn’t worth being embarrassed about; Joseph just needed the damn box open. “Let me…” He was even meticulous in the way that he _unwrapped_. Peeling a corner from here, an edge from there, until a beautiful Rolls-Royce Phantom revealed itself. “Tadaa! Amazon sells wonderous things, man.”

Joseph set his hand atop the box, not able to do much more than that. It was a safe bet of a present. They all knew he loved cars. Didn’t mean he didn’t absolutely love the gift. It’d look great in his bookcase that was filling to the brim with cars. “This is beautiful, thank you, man.”

“Wait, these are even better,” Skov said quickly, grabbing his bags before moving the Rolls to the side and setting the blue bag in Joseph’s lap. “This is the ‘yay, successful surgery’ one. Open, open!”

Smiling because now there was seriously no holding back from this bastard’s cheery demeanor, Joseph reached into the bag and pulled out some other box thing.

His smile only grew larger as his eyes widened in excitement.

When was the last time he’d been so excited for something so simple?

“This…” Joseph pushed the bag onto the floor and set the kit in his lap, “fuck, Skov, this…” he rubbed his hand along the box almost reverently, already wishing he was home to start building, “I love it so much.” Joseph looked up at Skov who was looking like it was him who’d gotten the most amazing gift in the world. “Blake, thank you.”

It was perfect. It made Joseph…feel like Joseph again. He could even put a name to his emotion as he read the back of the box of a robotic kit. Three hundred and six pieces to build and code six different robots.

He was so fucking ready for this. If there was even the possibility, Joseph would start it right now. He hadn’t built something so intricate and brain consuming in forever. At least, outside of his brain in forever. This was going to be fun.

Fun.

Fuck. When was the last time something like this had made him so excited?

“One more!” Skov shouted, fist pumping to the sky. Picking up the last bag and placing it atop the robotics kit, Skov said as he bounced “This one is the ‘yay, you came out’ gift.”

Joseph’s hand froze, halfway into the bag. “The…the what?”

He smiled at Joseph, his hands clasped together behind his back. “Some people do coming out parties or just gifts and I wanted to get you something for finally being able to tell me your truth. It’s such a deep part of you that you haven’t been able to acknowledge for so long. Were even denying and the fact that you trust me enough to share with me something so special means everything.”

Wiping his eyes, annoyed that he was even crying, Joseph tried his best to sound as tough as he could. “Fuck, man, why does everything have to be so damn sentimental with you? Goddamn.” Skov laughed, his cheeky smile coming into play. “Damn,” Joseph muttered, giving Skov the stink eye as he stuck his hand back into the bag. His coming out gift, huh? He’d make sure to remind everyone that he should be showered with shit for coming out then.

Finlay had actually been showering him with a lot of shit…

Not letting the pain of Finlay drag itself back up is throat, Joseph pulled out what felt like a book. A damn heavy thick ass book that he actually struggled pulling out. Skov had to help him, putting it in Joseph’s lap with flourishing hands. “Tadaaaa!” he shouted, hands going for jazz hands, “Thee quintessential book for vets! You’ll get nowhere without this here!”

Okay, the robotic building kit had been fucking amazing but this here was all of Joseph’s dream wrapped in hundreds of pages. “Merck veterinary manual,” Joseph whispered in awe, rubbing the thick spine of the book with a reverent finger. He didn’t even know there was such a thing. It was beautiful. Joseph could easily imagine himself spending weeks reading this gorgeous beast.

“Do you love it?”

“It’s…it’s _perfect_.”

The future was looking just a bit brighter right now.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Enjoy my peeps.
> 
> _“It’s art, not scribbles. And they’re all meaningful. It’s not like I went and put a naked lady on me.”_

It was embarrassing but Andrey screamed.

Who could blame him? Walnut was fucking _huge_. And had run at him. Barked. She’d barked too. Who wouldn’t have screamed in that situation?

“Baby,” Anka snorted in amusement, sticking her tongue out at him before returning her attention to the house they found themselves in. “Pa-thetic.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Andrey muttered, wishing his face wasn’t so damn red. It always gave him away so easily. “She’s freaking huge!” He glared at the dog in question, bouncing around tetíncho Ivo as he put her some food. “Look at her! She could eat him!”

“This place is huge,” his mother said. She sounded amazed but it was like a…disapproving amazement. “They’re two people for damn’s sake. I mean, she told me the house is big but…damn.”

“No,” tetíncho told Walnut sternly as she tried to stand against him. “Down. Down, Walnut.” Walnut dropped to her paws, tilting her head at him before she barked. “Good girl,” he praised, petting her huge head. “You know, you’d fit in great with my dogs. You’d probably put them all in their places. Except for maybe Doug. He’s old and likes his position, you know.”

“You’re talking to a dog, Ivo.”

“No shit,” he snorted, patting Walnut once more before taking a seat at the island on one of the stools. “Why’d you come?”

“Seriously?”

Tetíncho Ivo nodded. “Yeah, seriously. Vesela told you to wait, that he’s not ready-”

“Well you showed up, didn’t you?” his mother snapped, tossing her bag on one of the couches before striding over and staring down tetíncho from the opposite side of the island. “How come you got to? No one asked for you either.”

“Despite common belief,” tetíncho Ivo said, almost snidely, “Joseph and I have actually talked over the course of these years. More than once, thank you.”

Andrey stared at his uncle. That couldn’t be right. But then, Joseph had been willing to be in touch with Andrey so…but no that wouldn’t be right. Andrey had never wronged Joseph to the extent tetíncho had. Why would he talk to him? How…no, Andrey wasn’t going to think like that. He wasn’t because things were a little better and that was what mattered.

“So where’s his room?” Anka asked, walking further into the house. “Upstairs? We should go through it before he gets home.”

Tetíncho didn’t look happy. At all. “Rude and nosy as fuck.”

“You’re telling me you haven’t gone in?”

“I have not.”

Anka shrugged, continuing her walk to the stairs and slipping off her shoes. “Well, then we can check it out at the same time.”

“Anka, don’t-” tetíncho paused, biting his lip before murmuring softly, “I _was_ gonna look for Lord Hideous…” Sighing, he got to his feet, following Anka with Andrey and his mother doing the same. If everyone was doing it, then so were they. “Just don’t touch shit, got it?”

It was funny how diligently they all nodded.

Tetíncho was the first to tread his way in, switching on the light and coming to a stop once he passed a bookcase set beside the door. “At least his room looks how it should.”

Andrey squeezed past his mother and sister and glanced around. “It definitely feels like Joseph’s room.” It had the cars, the map, the controlled chaos… “Hey, those are pictures,” he murmured, walking to the bed and examining the photos tapped to the wall. There was at least one photo of everyone, including even Josephine. “He must’ve been so homesick.”

“Does it disturb anyone that Peanut’s stuff looks like a shrine?” Anka asked.

“Does it disturb anyone that some of these quotes,” his mother began walking along the walls and reading, “are…incredibly…dark? I thought quotes are supposed to be inspirational.”

“It disturbs me,” tetíncho snorted in disdain as he opened the closet, “how many damn questions you people ask. Jesus. Now…” he glanced around, making sure not to touch a thing. “Ah! Lord Hideous, it’s been a long time, my friend!” Andrey watched his uncle pull out that damn ragged cat that Joseph had always loved, looking even worse for wear than ever. “You have more patches than fur, lemme tell you.”

A clacking noise caught Andrey’s attention. Turning, he found Anka behind him, examining a wooden box, whatever was inside of it making the noise as it hit the edges. “Don’t touch.”

“This box is weird,” Anka said, completely ignoring Andrey’s words. “Like, I see the seam of the opening,” she ran her finger along said seem, “but there’s no way to open it. No lock, no hinges, no nothing.” Making a show of trying to yank it open, she handed the box to Andrey. “The box literally won’t open.”

“Huh…” he murmured, trying to pry the box open himself. It really didn’t open. He’d say maybe it was for show but from the noise of things moving inside, it couldn’t be. “Weird… hey!” Andrey gripped as tetíncho yanked the box out of his hand. “I was working on that.”

“We said no touching,” tetíncho snorted, setting the box back down on the table. Andrey had to hand it to him, he knew how to keep his curiosity in check.

Or, usually he did.

It was like something clicked in his brain because tetíncho froze, his hand still atop the box. He rubbed it for a moment before just standing there, staring as he gnawed on his lip. Reaching out again, he smoothed his hand down on what should be the lid, whispering something under his breath. “Tetíncho?”

“Nothing,” he murmured, shaking his head as though Andrey had even asked anything. “It’s nothing.” His uncle spared one last minute staring at the box before letting out a little huff. “Alright, everyone out, we’ve invaded enough. Out, out.”

An hour later, after tetíncho had left with the intention of taking Lord Hideous to his owner – he forgot him on the island but no one bothered to tell him – Andrey found himself bored. And in search of his sister. “What’re you doing?”

Spinning around while trying not to look guilty, Anka held up an open box of condoms that she must’ve found in the drawer of the nightstand she was going through. “At least we know he practices safe sex. Unlike someone.”

He’d heard enough of those lectures to last him a lifetime. Striding all the way into the room, Andrey pulled the box out of her hand and tossed it onto the bed. “You’re not supposed to go through his stuff. You know that. You know how upset he’d be if he knew you were touching his things? Or what if tetíncho catches you? You’d be in so much shit.”

She held up a finger. “One, Joseph seems to yell at anyone and everyone regardless of a proper reason. I’m sure he’ll yell at me for something anyways. Two,” she put up another finger, “since when do we give a crap about what tetíncho thinks?”

“Since we are now living in a house with him,” Andrey snorted, stuffing the condoms that’d fallen out back into the box. “Don’t touch anything. How hard is that?” He handed the box back to her so she could fix her wrong, “Put it back.”

Rolling her eyes as she took the box back, Anka snorted “It’s just a box of condoms.”

“I doubt that’s the only thing you touched. You were probably moving it to keep digging.” From her blush, Andrey knew he was right on point. “Seriously, you can’t go through his stuff.”

“You think he uses these with Finlay?” she asked with an overdone sleazy smile. “Sexy times with the boyfriend?” She gave the box a quick glance, “Magnum, huh?”

Being that he knew his sister well, Andrey knew she was trying to throw him off her snooping. But it was still a stupid question. It was even stupider that he blushed about it. Andrey didn’t want to know what size his cousin was using. Especially because Andrey didn’t know what size he himself might wear. He’d never bought condoms in his life.

That wasn’t something to be proud of, yes, he knew.

“They’ve been together for two days. Joseph’s been in a hospital bed for more than a week. I don’t think they’ve been hitting it much.”

“Okay, fair point…who do you think would wear these though?” She gave the box a shake as she considered it carefully. “With Emilio, I’m like ninety percent sure that Joseph would be the giver if you get me but with Finlay…I don’t know. Finlay’s a big dude. All shoulders and height.”

Andrey was not thinking about his cousin’s sex life. Nope. Not happening. “We’re so not talking about this. Change topic.”

“Fine,” Anka shrugged, dropping the box on the nightstand as she pulled out the entire drawer and sat down on the bed with it in her lap. Andrey cringed because this girl was nuts. Joseph was going to fucking kill them. Holding up a bag filled with what had to be cocaine, Anka asked in disgust “Want a taste?”

“No thank you,” he snorted, grabbing it out of her hand. He took a minute to look at it, wondering how his tétka had forgotten a bag. Probably the most important bag being that it was right in his drawer. Unless…it was…sugar? He didn’t know and was too cautious to really figure it out. Tétka wouldn’t just leave a random ass bag of coke laying around but then Joseph wouldn’t keep a bag of sugar either.

Whatever.

“Don’t touch it,” he added, dropping the bag back into the drawer. “Drugs are bad.”

“Why…” Anka started softly, not really looking through the drawer as much as she was moving things around, “why do you think he was so insistent that he had to get up and see Finlay? Don’t you think it’s weird? They cursed each other out but then suddenly Joseph forgoes everything just to apologize? And then fight with him all over again to only have another freak out that he’s gone?”

“How do you expect me to answer that? I feel like I don’t even know Joseph anymore. That guy in the bed…it sure didn’t…it didn’t seem like him. Barely even looked like him. Sure as hell didn’t act like him.”

“He didn’t seem happy to see us.”

Yeah, Andrey had noticed. “Maybe…maybe it’s like tetíncho said. He’s just not ready yet.”

“But he wants that stupid boyfriend of his around?”

It’d taken Andrey a couple months of being with Ivet to learn that his sister had a slight jealousy problem. He was hers first, Joseph was hers first, and the both of them had people who wanted them too.

The sooner she had somebody of her own, the better.

“Finlay seems nice though?” Anka snorted, staring at a little dragon figurine. “He does! He seems to really care for him.”

“Anyone can buy a giant bear.”

“Bet you all those flowers are from him too.”

“I could’ve done that.”

“And I think those Beanie babies were from Finlay too.”

“It’s not that hard to buy them.”

“My point is,” Andrey sighed, taking a glance at the dragon himself, “is that he really does seem to care. Isn’t that what’s important? Joseph deserves someone nice for himself who’ll put him up top.”

Flipping open a little notebook that had random scribbles or maybe even words because that was just how bad Joseph’s handwriting was, Anka replied “We don’t know a thing about Finlay. At least we knew Emilio.”

“True but Joseph knows Finlay.”

“We should just set up Joseph and Emilio all over again.” She held up a bottle of lube, “Need some?” Andrey knocked it out of her hand, sending it flying across the room as she laughed. “I’m just saying.”

“Well don’t,” he said, resting back and staring up at the ceiling. “Emilio is with that one guy now and Joseph has Finlay. Paths separate, you know?”

“Kinda funny they both found themselves tall black guys.”

Andrey laughed as he tried to rub the exhaustion out of his eyes. “Good one.”

“Just interesting is all I’m saying.” Returning the drawer back where it’d been, Anka returned her attention back to the box still on the low table. “That box is really weird though.”

“What’s weirder is tetíncho’s reaction to the box, don’t you think?” It was like he’d felt something when he’d touched it. Known something. “Hey, so…maybe this is just me but…” Anka sent him a curious glance as she walked around the room, reading the quotes scrawled along the walls like their mother had, “does it bug you that he talked to tetíncho? It really bothers me that even after what happened…he still bothered to speak to him.”

“Maybe tetíncho was just making it up to make himself feel better.”

Maybe. “Tetíncho’s never been a liar though. Why are you opening his drawers? Stop, man.” Anka ignored him, opening drawer after drawer in the dresser. “Anka, seriously. Plus, what’s even interesting there? It’s just his clothes. What? You want a pair of his underwear?”

“Ew! No, thank you.”

“You’re the one that’s so damn curious.”

“Ooh, I want this shirt,” Anka murmured, completely tuning him out as she held a black tshirt against herself. “Cute, huh?”

“It literally just says ‘meh.’ How is that cute.”

“Dunno, just is,” she replied, setting the shirt atop the dresser like she was seriously considering taking it. Andrey hoped she got in trouble for all this. He wanted to snoop too but he was being good by just lying here and attempting to stop his sister.

Well…kind of attempting. At least he was trying.

“You think he’ll play along to be my fake boyfriend?”

“What?” Andrey said in disbelief, actually bothering to sit up. “What the hell are you- oh my God, Anka, put that back.”

‘That’ was a very fancy looking butterfly knife that he was pretty sure wasn’t there, hiding between Joseph’s clothes, to be touched. “It’s just- ow! Dammit!” The knife dropped to the floor as she held her finger tight, her face scrunching in pain. “That thing is sharp! Holy crap.” Holding up her finger, she frowned and sucked on her finger before pushing open a door, finding the bathroom. “Girls at school say I’m too high maintenance and a bitch which is why guys aren’t interested in me. I can use Joseph to prove them wrong, is all.”

“Older bad boy boyfriend,” Andrey laughed, dropping back down onto the bed. His sister was both those things sometimes but he didn’t like girls bullying her for it. She was amazing but then, he was her brother, so maybe that was just his own thoughts. Ivet said she was a ‘frustrating goddamn bitch on a good day.’ He hadn’t talked to Ivet for a few days for that. “Just your type?”

“If I had a boyfriend who was like Joseph, I think it’d be nice. But like, because he can be sweet and he always struck me as the romantic sort.”

“You realize you just discounted like ninety-nine percent of the rest of his personality, right?”

“I always found him pretty hot too, y’know.”

Actually, yeah, he’d known. Once Joseph’s voice had deepened and he’d grown taller, Anka had had this phase where she’d always blush around him or her eyes would linger for a while.

“Now he has these cool tattoos and apparently a tongue stud, although I didn’t notice any piercings, and he’s super tall…”

She said a few other things but Andrey toned her out. Disregarding the fact that Anka and Joseph were cousins, they would’ve made a terrible couple. Horrible to the millionth power. They would’ve butted heads so much to the point where things got super super ugly.

Super.

“Are you even listening to me?” Anka asked, her face suddenly in his. “I asked you a question.”

“What.”

“Why do you think Joseph tried to kill himself so suddenly? I mean, come on, life can’t be that bad, can it? No one told him to do drugs or whatever else garbage he does. If it makes him so upset where he thinks he needs to die, then why do them?”

Pushing away his sister and sitting up once again, Andrey murmured “I think you’re simplifying it way too much.”

“His life is better than most people who’ve never considered killing themselves.”

“But that’s the thing, Anka, how much do we actually know? How much do we even understand about him? We can’t even begin to imagine what he feels or what he’s been through or any of that.”

Anka seemed embarrassed from her words but murmured anyways “But…tétka took him away from tetíncho. Shouldn’t that have helped? Tetíncho, if he was the problem, why didn’t Joseph get better? Why did things have to get to this point where we’re coming out here because he tried to kill himself?”

“Maybe…he wasn’t entirely the problem.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. What other problems could be so severe?”

“I don’t think you two are grasping the fact that the boy you saw today really isn’t your cousin like you knew him.” They both bolted to their feet as tetíncho came around the bookcase, his arms crossed and his face looking pissed as hell. “You guys haven’t been in his life for four years. If one year makes a damn difference, can you imagine what four does?”

“You, uh, forgot Mr. Cat on the island,” Andrey mumbled, knowing that his change of subject was bullshit. It was worth a try though, wasn’t it? “Just…just so you know.”

“I thought I said no snooping.” He walked over to the knife still on the floor, picking it up and setting it on the dresser with a loud _clang_. “And yet, here you two idiots are. Snooping. You think he’d appreciate that?”

“Besides for his beloved Finlay,” Anka snorted sarcastically as she crossed her arms and rolled her eyes, “I don’t think Joseph appreciates anyone or anything.”

“Sounds like someone’s jealous. Maybe you need to earn your keep first so you can be as beloved as Finlay.”

“Because Finlay has?”

Yup, she totally sounded jealous. Tetíncho even looked like he wanted to laugh at her. “From what I’ve seen? Hell yeah. Goddamn, _I’d_ trust Finlay with my life. The kid is real and I think that he’s definitely someone Joseph should hold onto.” He raised his hand to stop Anka from speaking. “Don’t let your jealousy cloud your judgement.”

Ha, that was like telling someone with diarrhea not to shit.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> I've been having a tough time writing lately and it's killer. Hope y'all are well and enjoy!
> 
> _“FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!”_

Three days.

He was going home tomorrow.

Not one of these three days had Finlay shown up.

“Baby, you need to eat so your skin heals properly,” his mother explained for, what was probably, the thousandth time in three days. Maybe two thousandth. Joseph hadn’t been worried the first day, not too much, anyways. Finlay was always good at proving points so Joseph just figured that was what he was doing.

Three days was a bit extra for proving a point, wasn’t it?

“Come on, eat your lunch, Joseph.”

Spinning the bracelet Finlay had given him around on his thin wrist, Joseph ripped a piece of bread and put it in his mouth. It was the only thing his queasy stomach could handle right now. “Mayko, he still hasn’t come.”

She was the only one Joseph would ever express his fears to. “He just needs some time-”

“It’s been three days! How am I supposed to apologize if he won’t come?”

Forking him a piece of chicken, she held it up, raising her brow when he didn’t immediately open his mouth. Faced with that stare, what other choice did he have?

He opened his mouth and ate the damn chicken.

“Sometimes, when the person we love hurts us intentionally, we know that space is the best thing for the relationship.”

Intentionally. Yeah, he’d known what he’d been doing but…he’d been upset and frustrated and…but abandoning him was excessive, wasn’t it? “What if…what if he dumps me, though?”

Joseph hated her stupid smile. It wasn’t the patient smile, but it was the ‘omg you’re so fucking cute’ one. God, he hated that one. “He’s not going to dump you over one fight.”

“Two.”

“Okay, two,” she stabbed a broccoli and brought the fork up again. Joseph chewed and swallowed without question. “They were just baby fights, sweetheart, don’t worry so much.”

But that was his problem. He was worried as hell. Terrified as hell. Joseph had pushed and he had known that he was pushing but he’d still done it. “Maybe I’m just…not good boyfriend material.”

Resting her chin in her palm, his mother examined him hard, even going to the point of narrowing her eyes as she stared at him. Somehow, she still managed to make sure she was feeding him during this examination. “When you were with Emilio, did you ever have these insecurities?”

“Yes,” he answered easily. “We…we never really had fights but we did have this really big one and…it made me…question a lot of stuff. And even when we didn’t fight, it’s just…” Joseph shrugged, unable to find the words he needed to express the mess of feelings he’d always been. “Sometimes…I’d wonder why he was wasting his time on me. I’m not an idiot; I’m not an easy person. I know that. And…” he couldn’t stop the blush heating his face but he could look away from that piercing gaze, “he…was always what I envisioned as perfect. So why would this perfect person waste such valuable time with someone like me?”

“Did you guys ever talk about this stuff?”

Rubbing Saint Bernard Finlay’s head, Joseph murmured “Yeah, actually. I mean, c’mon, mayko, he’s Emilio. He makes a person talk about everything whether they like it or not.”

“Ain’t that the truth,” his mother laughed as the sound of the fork hitting plastic cut through their easy quiet. “Open.”

He didn’t bother refusing. There was no refusing this woman when it came to hospitals and health. She made sure of it. “He’d tell me a lot of things. But…my favorite was…” he rubbed Dog Finlay’s ears, wishing he had the real Finlay, “when he said that even if in my mind I didn’t match what I thought was perfect, in his eyes, I was his perfect. And…that made me feel really good, I guess.”

“Have you ever talked to Finlay about your insecurities?”

Fuck no. Finlay wasn’t Emilio where they could get all gushy. Finlay was hardened from life and…different. Confessing his insecurities was like…baring his belly of weaknesses. “No. Hell no.” He accepted a green bean. “But like…I’ve…cried in front of him before. Sobbed, actually.”

“And he knows about your bashtá.”

“Yeah, there’s that.” Sitting Saint Bernard Finlay atop his head with a little smile, Joseph snorted “and…like…other dark and horrible things.” He wasn’t admitting to Proko’s accident to this woman. “Um…and like the…um…”

His mother knew exactly what he was trying to say. Kissing his bruised ugly IV hand, she said “I’m so proud of you for being able to tell someone.”

Face flushed as fuck while still balancing Dog FinFin on his head, Joseph mumbled “I didn’t really…tell, I just…maybe kind of…alluded.”

“That’s powerful, baby.”

“Really?” Joseph wanted to feel powerful but admitting to his rape hadn’t felt powerful at all. It’d felt disgusting. Shameful. He was a man and he hadn’t been able to fight off another guy? “Doesn’t feel that way at all though.”

Caressing his hand with her soft touch, she asked softly “How does it make you feel?”

In any other situation, he’d laugh and ask if she thought she was his therapist. But that was any other situation where he wasn’t trying to figure out how to fix his already fucked up relationship. “Weak. Ashamed.” Biting his lip and squishing Mr. Cat in the bend of his arm, Joseph sunk into his bed and whispered “Disgusting. Ruined. Maybe…maybe a little afraid too.”

“Do you know why I won’t give you that loofah?”

“Because I’ll hurt myself,” he answered simply with a shrug. He just wished she understood why he hurt himself. It wasn’t for the pain like all his other methods. All the scrubbing was about feeling clean. New. Unsullied. Like he was peeling off the tarnished skin.

“Because I want you to feel comfortable in your skin, baby.” She rubbed along his lower arm, that sweet smile on her face that he’d loved since he was a child. “I want you to realize how beautiful you are even though you scribbled all over your body.”

Joseph smiled, rolling his eyes as he did. “It’s art, not scribbles. And they’re all meaningful. It’s not like I went and put a naked lady on me.”

“Man,” his mother corrected with a laugh. “A naked man would be more your muse, don’t you think?”

“Ha, ha, look how hard I’m laughing.”

Getting to her feet, she grasped his shoulders carefully and murmured “Joseph, I want you to realize that in this skin, in this body, you are beautiful, sweetheart. So beautiful. And once you realize that, once you remember how strong you are in this body, you’ll be so powerful. So strong and even more beautiful. That boy did something unforgiving to you,” Joseph’s heart shuddered, tears filling his eyes as he looked away from those piercing eyes, “something that makes you feel ashamed. In pain. Weak.”

“Afraid,” he added. “Disgusting.”

“I’m not saying it’s easy, especially because I can only imagine what you’ve been through and what you’re still going through, but as soon as you realize how beautiful, how powerful, you are in your skin, you’ll realize that he can’t take a thing away from you. That he may have done that and stripped you of everything but you are stronger than he’ll ever be.”

“But…but how am I supposed to be strong if I can’t…I can’t…” He wiped the tears harshly from his eyes, ignoring the pain of his bruised hand. “I’m not strong,” Joseph mumbled miserably. “I’m-I’m not powerful o-or any of that.”

“Hey,” she whispered, cupping his face and kissing the tip of his nose, “we take this step by step, beautiful. Foot by foot or inch by inch or…what’s the smallest measurement?”

“Planck,” Joseph laughed, wiping his tears while his mother grabbed him a tissue and wiped his nose. He should be wiping his own damn nose but he definitely wasn’t going to stop her. “It’s a Planck. It’s super tiny, mayko.”

“Alright then,” his mother said, kissing his cheek, “we’re going to take this Planck by Planck, okay?” Joseph nodded, comfortable with such a speed. He…he could work with that. “And you can take these ultra baby steps with me, with whoever you trust, Joseph. As long as you take them.”

“Hey,” Joseph began softly, ‘tatko’ at the tip of his tongue. He couldn’t quite bring himself to say it just yet. But he wasn’t going to call him Ivo because that was rude as fuck and Joseph only did that when he wanted to be rude. Right now wasn’t one of those moments. “Um…can I ask you something?”

His father glanced up from his book where he sat cross-legged on the cot. If anyone was ecstatic about Joseph going home, it was him. The cot was apparently a killer. Especially because he shared it with Fluffs now. “Of course.”

Joseph had thought a lot about what his mother said this morning and Joseph found that approaching the subject this way was a good tactic. Getting cheated on and being…being raped weren’t even close to the same but the shame had to be close, right? Maybe the feeling of weakness? Something had to be there. He really wasn’t sure how else to bring it all together besides for like this. “When…when mayko cheated on you, how did that make you feel?”

It was common knowledge to anyone who knew Ivo Kavinsky that he hated his hair on his face. No one really knew why; he just did. So the past week had been weird as fuck seeing his father’s hair falling here and there. Places where hair had never been allowed to touch. It was like someone ruffled his nice slicked back hair and he hadn’t had the energy to fix it.

The point was, it was weird seeing one of his father’s eyebrows disappear under hair as they flew up in surprise.

“What?”

“How’d it make you feel?”

Closing his book and setting it in Fluffs’ lap, his father rested his head back against the wall, scratching along his collarbone. “Make me feel? Angry. Hurt as fuck. But also…inadequate. Ashamed. Worthless. Insecure, to this day, really.”

It was one for the history books.

Ivo Kavinsky was insecure.

“Um…why…” Joseph focused his attention on Mr. Cat’s patchy head, “why…the shame?”

“Dunno. I guess it’s like…I must be that bad of a husband, of a man, that my wife had to go find someone else. Not just someone else to have sex with but to love. Doesn’t that reflect my character, not just hers? If she felt this need to cheat then…I’m obviously lacking and it’s shameful that I’m that lacking, I guess. That make sense?”

“I guess,” Joseph murmured, drawing up his knees and setting his chin on them. He was squishing Mr. Cat and Dog Finlay but they’d understand. Wrapping his good arm around his legs, he added “Do you ever get those sorts of feelings, even without the cheating?”

“I feel the shame a lot. The insecurity.”

“Why insecure.”

“Because she’s so fucking beautiful.” Joseph laughed, resting his cheek atop his knees and watching his father. “I’m serious. She’s gorgeous, could get any damn man, and she’s with me. Discount that I’m an asshole-”

“Jiang says that’s super hard to do.”

“-and…have problems controlling anger,” his father continued, only rolling his eyes from Jiang’s words. “I’m a fucking mess. What do I have going for me? Looks? I’m lucky they’ve lasted this long.”

“Devotion,” Joseph supplied. “Annoyingly affectionate.”

His father smiled but he actually seemed cheered from the words. “I was a boy with a mess of a past, an illegal immigrant, broke as fuck, with the baggage of being a mama’s boy. Let’s not get started on the shit going on in my brain. Now, I’m a man with a mess of a past, legal but my business isn’t, still a severe mama’s boy if my mama had lived. And dead. I’m a zombie freak and she knows I’m a zombie. I will probably never get laid again in my life. Second life.”

“Does it not work?” Joseph asked curiously. Honestly, he’d never considered that maybe he’d broken his father’s dick. It’d never be something he would’ve considered anyways. “Sorry. Didn’t think about that one.”

“Oh, it works,” his father laughed, raising a leg and setting his arm atop it. “Full honesty here, after I found out I was undead, I had to find out.”

“Was there no point before that?”

“Nope. My wife wasn’t happy with me so I didn’t deserve to je-”

“Please don’t finish that sentence.”

“Anyways, I’m just saying I don’t think she’d want to do it with an undead guy.”

Joseph wondered if Proko’s junk worked or not. Half baked Proko probably wouldn’t care anyways though. Man, was that a bit of a failure of a forgery. Proko was a favorite, sure, because Joseph could make him do whatever, but he kind of missed his resilience. “Do you hate me for it?”

“Killing me?” Joseph nodded. “No. I hate that I put you in a situation where you had to do it. Where you felt that it was the only way. I tarnished you in such a brutal way by making it come to a point where it had to be done. And there’s no amount of forgiveness that I can beg for that will ever be enough to clear that.” His father was silent for a moment, blinking tiredly at Joseph before saying “Can I ask you something? It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it though. No pressure.”

He shrugged, too curious for his own good.

“Do…I…I’ve been…” his father covered his face and huffed and if that didn’t pique Joseph’s interest, nothing ever would. “Fuck. Okay,” he took a deep breath and removed his hands, looking determined as hell. “Okay. I…I’ve been doing…I’ve been reading-”

“Yeah, that’s nothing new.”

“Shuttup and give me a second here. I’ve been doing a lot of reading about different things. Uh, yesterday, I read some more about, uh…”

“Can you please just get to your point without all this tiptoeing? Trust me, it’ll be better.”

Rubbing his face harshly, his father dragged himself and the cot with a loud screech against the floor, right up to the bed and sat down, holding Joseph’s hand tight like he was afraid he’d slip away. “This should go without saying but in case it needs to be said, you can always come to me with anything. That has been and still is a promise.” Jesus, they had to be about to get into some deep shit. “With that said, I don’t like the idea of so much festering inside of you and thought that maybe…it’ll help if I start the conversation?”

Scanning his father’s face, Joseph still wasn’t exactly sure where this man was going. “Go for it, I guess.”

Looking reassured just from those few words, his father said “I love you. I know that these past few years have made that extremely questionable, I know, but it’s true and always has been. I’d go to hell for you. Well, I’m already going to hell, but I’d go to Rikers for you.” Joseph laughed which only brightened his father’s mood. “And no matter what you think you can’t tell me, you actually can. Anything at all, Joseph. You don’t ever need to feel ashamed or embarrassed by anything you need to say. That’s…what I’m trying to get at here.”

He didn’t know how but suddenly, Joseph knew exactly what his father had been reading about. And like with his mother, he trusted this man. But just because he trusted him…how could such a…a macho masculine man understand? Could he understand? He already knew about it so… “When…when me and Emilio were together,” Joseph whispered, unable to meet his father’s eyes even though he knew that it was okay to talk about this now, “um…um, I’m…a bit of a cuddler…”

“Would’ve never guessed.”

“Shh,” Joseph couldn’t help but laugh. Somehow, that one line was enough to give him confidence. Make him feel that this was okay to talk about with this man. With his father. Turning his head back to face him, he murmured “It’s…comforting. Reassuring that the person in your arms and the person whose arms you’re in is…it’s just…you feel…safe. Loved. I really like hugs.”

“This I also know.”

A smile twitched his mouth. “I…feel safe with Finlay. Reassured. Loved. I trust him. But…I have trouble being…close to him. I can, and have, hugged and kissed him but I can’t bring myself to just be there. In his arms or against his body or just…” He bit his lip as he let his eyes wander away from that piercing gaze. His mother and father knew how to stare, Jesus Christ. “He’s safe. And I know he’s safe. But I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack when we’re too close. Because…”

Because he was scared. Because he was gross. Because he _felt_ gross.

He found himself enveloped in a warm embrace and the only reason that he was able to keep going was the fact that he was hiding in his father’s arms, face hidden by a strong chest that’d protect him from the world. “I hate,” he cried, his whole body shuddering with every breath, “that I have to be scared all the time. That just lying in bed with him makes me want to vomit. I-I want to be able to just…hug him or kiss him or have sex if we wanted without worrying. Without being afraid that maybe I’m going to panic any second. Without feel disgusted from myself. Without feeling so…ugly. Ruined.”

Joseph didn’t speak after that. He didn’t bother and it wasn’t like he could. He sat there and cried, shuddering cry after shuddering cry, in his father’s safe embrace. Joseph cried until his head hurt, his eyes dried, and his sinuses clogged with so much damn snot that he couldn’t breathe anymore.

“I want,” Joseph whispered into that tear stained snot covered shirt, “to feel good about myself again. I want to have a happily ever after because…because I deserve that as much as anyone else. But…I’m terrified to try. Because it’s hard and I know that I’m going to fail and when I do, I’m going to shatter to the point that there won’t be anymore pieces for mayko to glue together anymore. And that scares me as much as I’m scared of myself.”


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> My writing brain must be angry with me because lord is it not cooperating. I hope y'all are well and are enjoying the story! Don't forget to kudos and comments are always lovely.
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> _You tried to kill yourself? Congratulations, you lived._

“You look like you’ve been having a rough day,” Dr. Cho said as she sat down beside Fluffs who she claimed was now her partner. The woman was a professional and yet somehow…so amusing. He just…really liked that about her.

Damn woman, making him like her. And she knew it too.

“Um…” he twirled his finger along the stiches of Isha’s blanket, Skov’s veterinary book in his lap. This monster of a book was like the goddamn vet bible and he loved it. His parents were nice enough to listen to him blabber on but he wished he had Finlay listening too. “It’s been…it’s been a rough few days, actually.”

“Let’s talk about them.”

Talk about them. Honestly, Joseph was so broken about Finlay not visiting that baring his broken heart to this woman might actually happen. His mother said for him not to worry and his father told him that Finlay’s nuts about him, never fear, but…Joseph was fearing. Fearing a lot. “I mentioned…I mentioned before that I have a boyfriend.”

“You have.”

“He’s,” Joseph blushed as he realized that for the first time, he was going to sit here like a damn softy and gush about his bf. His own damn boyfriend. He got to brag about a guy _finally._ “He’s, um, really great. Like, he’s…” he covered his face with hands and groaned.

Fuck, he couldn’t do this.

And yes, _hands._

Joseph’s arm was still bandaged and covered with the pressure sleeve but he had careful – very careful – use of his arm. He started getting back on his feet yesterday, surprised at his stability now that he had more food and strength in his body. Walking back and forth in the hallway had been boring as fuck, but it’d also been…freeing. He wasn’t cooped in a room anymore. He’d be in his own room by _tonight._

He was actually pretty excited by the prospect. His room, his own bed, pillows, Walnut… Yeah, it’d be nice.

Would his parents share a room? Hmm…

“Where’d I lose you?” Dr. Cho called, amusement in her tone. “Tell me more about this great boy of yours. What’s his name?”

“Finlay,” Joseph replied, spinning his bracelet. “Finlay Swan. Kinda musical, huh? Makes him sound…delicate.” He snorted, “Swan, delicate. Ha. If he’s delicate, I’m not depressed.”

She ignored his admission of depression. Odd but Joseph appreciated her just a bit more because of that. “I’m sure he’s a handsome young man. Tell me some more about him.”

“You’ve maybe seen him before? He’s the tall black dude…the…only black dude who visits me. You can’t miss him. I think he’s lost weight though. Usually his shoulders look a bit more put together.”

“Do you worry for him?”

“Of course,” Joseph answered easily with a shrug. “We were…kinda sorta friends before and then he, like, confessed or some shit. He keeps saying he loves me but…I feel like love takes more time than that. Like…I _like_ him, I like him a lot, and he’s definitely attractive although I think I usually like guys shorter than me. But love? I mean-”

“You think?”

He glanced over at her, his mind still stuck on thoughts of love. “Huh?”

Dr. Cho leaned forward a bit, her book in her lap, pen not at the ready but still there, just in case. “Why do you think you like shorter guys? Are you not sure?”

Heat flushed its way from his face down to his chest. It was like a fire had started from his embarrassment. His…shame. “I…I’m supposed to be able to tell you anything, right? Like…just…about me or life or…”

“The movie you watched. Yeah, tell me anything, Joseph, and I’ll give you some thoughts while we think about your own considerations.”

“But, like, what if what I tell you…is about other people? I don’t want it to reflect what you think of certain people.”

Her smile reminded him of that of his mother’s. Maybe it was the softness. The patience that wasn’t at all condescending. “Things are only ever between you and me. Meaning even the way I interact with other people, regardless of what you tell me, will remain the same.”

“Um, okay,” he nodded, taking a deep breath and shutting his eyes, just in case he lost his nerve from looking at her. Biting his lip, Joseph said in the steadiest voice he could manage while taking comfort from Mr. Cat “I’m gay. Until I woke up two weeks ago, I haven’t been able to say that in four years. I haven’t been able to say it because it disgusted me. It made me feel…ashamed. And…to be honest, I’m still having a bit of trouble. I may gush about Finlay here but…I know that I won’t even be able to hold his hand out there.”

Finlay would understand, right? It wouldn’t be forever, just until…just…for a bit.

“Um…I don’t know what your impression of my dad is but…he’s, um, he _was_ extremely homophobic.” He hoped he didn’t leave holes in poor Mr. Cat from how hard he was digging his fingers in. “I didn’t exactly understand this in its entirety as I grew up but I knew that in my house, men did not like men. I grew up not understanding myself, begging God in the middle of the night with tears in my eyes, to ungay me.” Wiping the tears rolling down his cheeks, Joseph tried to laugh “It didn’t work but I tried. I even tried to ungay myself by getting a girlfriend. The sister of the boy I fancied because I knew she had a crush on me.”

It all felt like so long ago. His childhood. His life. Joseph was barely eighteen but it felt like he’d lived through and seen hundreds of years. It felt as though he hadn’t seen anyone in thousands of years. Was Emilio the same? Did he grow finally? What about his sisters? How much had Alondra grown? And what of his own family? Albena and Timotei. Did they remember him? Timotei probably didn’t. How was tetíncho Yulian’s leg? Asen. How was he? His rugrats?

Joseph had missed four years of his life and suddenly, it hurt so much that he’d never get to know what they could’ve been.

Rubbing his eyes with his knuckles, Joseph drew in a shaky breath. “I’m not gonna sit here and waste our time but when I was fourteen, my crush, my best friend, told me that he liked me. It felt like heaven had just invited me in. We were together for almost a year. We planned an entire future together. I think…I think that was probably the happiest year of my life. Still…still is. I got to be _me._ ”

“But that all came to a halt.”

“Reality came knocking on the door,” Joseph laughed. Cried. He wasn’t even sure. Plopping his head back into his pillow and blinking up at the ceiling through his blurry eyes, he whispered “Came knocking in the form of my father. He caught us making out. You have to understand something about my dad. He’s…I love him. But, sometimes, I…also hate him so much. It frustrates me. I know he’s had a hard life but like…I get mad sometimes that he…he had to make mine hard too.”

“What happened?”

He wasn’t sure he could do this anymore. It made him seem like a fucking idiot but he didn’t want to change whatever perception this woman had of his father. Joseph just couldn’t do it. “Nothing. I-I think we’re done today.”

“Things like these are hard. They’re hard to put into words and hard to let other people hear but that’s the first step in moving on. Admitting. Recognizing. Walking past it once it’s out in the open.”

Walk past. Joseph wanted to walk past the pain he’s faced. He didn’t hold any of the times he’d been hit in his childhood against his father. Maybe that was stupid on his part but he didn’t. The only one he did was this one. Thee beating. This one because Joseph had done nothing but be himself. How dare his father beat him for being himself?

“I love my dad. He’s not an easy man but I love him for who he is.”

“What happened, Joseph?”

Clenching his jaw so hard that his teeth ached like his heart, Joseph shut his eyes and said “He beat me. He threw Emilio out and beat the shit out of me. Really, he tried to beat the fag out of me but here we are so I guess that didn’t work out, huh?”

“Where was your mom?”

“Italy,” he spat, not even understanding why he was mad at her. In all these years, he hadn’t even _known_ that he was mad at her for not being there for him.

Okay, so…maybe talking really was a good thing.

“She was in fucking Italy having the fun of her life and I was home being beaten black and fucking bloody for falling in love.” He needed to throw something. He needed to just…he didn’t know but throwing something sounded about damn fucking right.

“Do you blame her?”

Did he blame her? How the fuck did he know? Joseph hadn’t even known that he was mad at her. “I want you to leave now,” he ground through his teeth, knowing that any second now, he’d seriously just explode. Joseph was apparently mad at his mother and he was mad at his father and now he was mad at this damn therapist and he was mad at _himself_ for not even understanding all this anger he was suddenly inflicted with.

Tears prickled his eyes, worming their way out. Why the fuck was crying?

Why couldn’t he just understand himself like a damn normal person anymore?

“Fuck!” Joseph shouted, grabbing his lemonade cup and flinging it at the opposite wall. It was just some dumbass disposable plastic but it was all he ha-

The vase of roses.

It wasn’t like his stupid fake ass boyfriend cared about him anyways. Why the fuck should Joseph keep staring at his damn roses? His Bulgarian queen?

Fuck. Him.

Reaching out as quick as can be before Dr. Cho could take the chance to move, Joseph yanked the vase off the bedside table and flung it with all his might at the wall, the echoing explosion of glass what he needed to hear.

Now that was far more satisfying.

“FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!”

“Can you breathe with me for a moment, Joseph?”

He’d completely forgotten that the therapist bitch was here. “You can take your fucking breathing,” he hissed, pointing a sharp finger at her, “and shove it up your damn yellow ass.”

Dr. Cho seemed completely unfazed, not even bothered by his words. “Softly shut your eyes-”

“Why the hell are you still here? Fuck off!”

“Joseph?” His head swiveled to his mother who’d just walked in, taking in the carnage with wide eyes. “Joseph, sweetheart-”

“Get out.”

“I want,” Dr. Cho cut in, her voice harder than Joseph had ever heard before. Hard but not angry. More like firm. Like she wanted him to respond to authority. “You to close your eyes with me. Close them with me, Joseph.” They stared each other down, neither one backing down from the battle of wills. Without taking her eyes of Joseph, she added “Mrs. Kavinsky, if you could leave us, we’re still in session.”

“Um…” he could feel her burning gaze on him, “of course, yeah…yeah. Okay. Um, I’m right outside if you need me.”

He didn’t.

“Close your eyes with me,” Dr. Cho repeated, her cheer missing from her face. This woman seemed much more like a doctor in control. “Close them and let’s breathe together. What do you think?”

“I think you’re a fucking idiot.”

“That’s fair. We’re all entitled to our opinions. Now close those eyes of yours.”

Drained and confused and fucking…he wasn’t even sure, Joseph slammed his eyes shut because what else was he supposed to do?

“No, close them softly. Do it again.”

What the fuck.

Reopening his eyes like a good child, he repeated the maneuver, fluttering them closed. Fluttering had to be soft enough, didn’t it? “Better?” he snapped, not understanding why he was even bothering to listen to her. “This is fucking stupid.”

“That’s okay. Now, breathe-”

“I already know all this shit,” Joseph muttered, crossing his arms in the dark of his closed eyes. He’d known how to do this since he was like fucking…eight. She wasn’t going to come around and teach him the art of breathing when he had it down like a fucking mole.

Down like…

Whatever.

“I’ve been doing this since I was little, lady. You can’t teach me shit like this.”

“Then go ahead and do it for me. I’ll follow your lead. Then we’ll talk some more.”

He didn’t want to talk some more but he led them through the proper method of ‘calm the fuck down’ breathing. Joseph knew that he’d feel a bit better but it still pissed him off that he did. It was like she’d just won this round. Opening his eyes with his arms still in full on pouty mode, he glared at her smiling face and muttered “We’re done talking.”

Dr. Cho probably would’ve laughed if she didn’t already know him well enough to know that he’d get pissed if she did. “Who taught you the breathing exercises?”

“A doctor. Duh.”

She watched him intently, why though, he had no idea. Who cared who taught him? “Let’s put our last topic on pause for a moment. Why’d this doctor teach you?”

Joseph would prefer that they just moved on entirely from the last topic because he was severely frustrated, angry, and upset with both his mother and himself. Mostly himself though. He hated that he was suddenly mad at her. She didn’t deserve his anger. “I had – have, I should say – problems with anxiety. Severe panic attacks and shit. I used to take meds for it but I stopped.”

“Why?”

Blushing and not meeting her eyes because he knew how stupid this was going to sound, Joseph mumbled “They didn’t go well with weed so I picked the weed.”

Nodding, she wrote this down and asked “How long ago would you say that was?”

“Dunno…maybe a few years? Three maybe? Something like that.”

“How did this come about?” Dr. Cho held her pen at the ready, looking pretty damn serious. Was it because they were talking medication or his attacks? “These panic attacks. And did your parents take you to the doctor because they noticed or…?”

Biting his lip while scratching just under his ear, Joseph sighed, dropping his head back into his pillow. These sessions exhausted him and yet he couldn’t find a reason to tell the doctor to fuck off. Deep down, he knew that he actually _enjoyed_ the time they spent together. God forbid, if he ever admitted that he might even look forward to their sessions. “Can’t we just stop for today? I’m tired.” Mentally _and_ physically. “I’m really…” he sighed again, staring up at the ceiling, “I’m really tired. I’m tired.”

“Why’d you throw the roses, Joseph?”

Seriously right now? And what was with all this bouncing of subjects? She was fucking with his brain. “Fuck off.”

“Why’d you throw them? You told me before that you loved them. That they were beautiful. That they made you feel really good. Why’d you throw them?”

Rubbing his face to the point of rugburn via hand, Joseph snapped “Just fuck off, dammit.”

“Why, Joseph.”

“Because!” he shouted, sitting up and glaring at her with all his fury. Henrietta summer caused stifling conditions as it was, but his anger and frustration only made it worse. “Just fucking BECAUSE! Because I damn well felt like it! Because…because…just fucking because, OKAY!”

“You’re frustrated.”

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I AM!”

Dr. Cho nodded, not even close to deterred or bothered by his shouting. “You’re angry because you’re confused. Because you had a torrid of emotions and you couldn’t grasp what you were feeling. You were frustrated because you were confused.”

That…that actually sounded…

Right.

Drawing up his knees, he rested his forehead against them, hiding away because he couldn’t bring himself to look at her. She was right on the money and it embarrassed him. What kind of idiot couldn’t understand their own emotions? Tears streamed down his cheeks, “It’s so embarrassing. I should be able to…” Joseph laughed, shaking his head against his bony ass knees. “I’m so fucking pathetic.”

Something brushed against his leg causing him to turn his head to the side and find Dr. Cho standing beside his bed. There was a paper bag on the bed, tantalizing in the possibilities that it might hold. “I brought this for you. Why don’t you take a look?”

Joseph blinked at her for a blank moment before dragging his eyes to the bag. “For me?” he whispered, his voice cracking from his sorrows. “Can I open it now?”

“Yes, please do.”

Taking the bag and setting it between his legs, Joseph peeked inside, confused by what he saw. He pulled out a set of paint and read it over carefully. What the fuck did he need with watercolors? “Thanks…I guess?” Setting the paint aside, he took out the notepad and pack of brushes. “So…watercolors, watercolor paper, and paintbrushes? You want an artist, you go to Jiang or my cousin Anka, not me. I _design_ cars. I ain’t no fucking painter. I thought you’re supposed to know me?”

With a laugh, she took the watercolor pad and held it up. “This is a month’s supply of paper. When you run out, I’ll be more than happy to get you more or you can get some yourself. This is a month’s supply because every night, I want you to reflect on your day through color.” She set down the pad and held up the paints, “This pan has forty-eight colors of which you can mix together and make even more.”

“Reflect on my day,” he muttered, curious as much as he didn’t want to be. She’d pushed him like hell today and yet here he was interested by her little gift of colors. “So draw a picture?”

“If that’s what you’d like,” Dr. Cho answered, setting the paints back down. “I don’t want you to focus on the events, I want you to focus on your _feelings_.”

Did this bitch not get that he couldn’t fucking understand what the hell he was feeling?

It’s like she knew he was about to protest because she held up her hand to stop him from speaking. “You don’t have to tell me what your feeling. I want you to express what you’re feeling through,” she tapped the paints, “these colors. You have trouble putting words to your feelings so how about we try putting colors to them? Every color invokes a feeling. For example, we all understand that certain shades of red express levels of anger. Maybe through your day, you didn’t understand your anger but it was at the low level-”

“So I go for like…a light red?” Feelings through color? It…sounded complicated but it couldn’t be harder than the frustration he went through just trying to name how he was feeling.

“Exactly. Maybe you also felt happy about something so you add in a dash of whatever color you believe represents that. Try to paint the size of color to how much you might’ve felt that day. Then when we have our weekly sessions, bring your notepad with you and we’ll try to decipher the emotions we find there.”

“So…I don’t have to try and figure it out before hand? Take notes in a dumbass journal or something?”

“Journals are very helpful for some people,” Dr. Cho said, looking at him with the first disproving eye he’d ever received. “Don’t knock what you haven’t tried. But no, we’ll try to figure it out together. I just want you to document it. Fair?”

Joseph glanced down at his gift. Emotion through color.

How hard could that be?


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> So am I hopinggggg I'll have some Snapshots for Thursday! I promise at least one but hopefully two? I'll try my best y'all
> 
> Enjoy today's chapter!
> 
> _“My friends have been having secret dirty thoughts about my mouth.”_

“Hey, tatko?”

Ivo stumbled, nearly taking Joseph down with him. His son gave him a weird look before his eyes went wide, realizing what he had inadvertently said. Clearing his throat and trying to totally act like this was all fine and cool and not groundbreaking, Ivo said “Yeah?”

Joseph blushed before looking away and resuming their walk in the hospital’s garden. He was due to go home in an hour and they’d decided that he should still get his hour of sunshine first. Of course, within reason because they didn’t want his grafts to get damaged so he had to go out in a long sleeve. It was light but Joseph still wasn’t happy. Ivo didn’t blame him. Sure, summer in Jersey could be a nasty humid bitch but Henrietta was one hell of a fucker. “Um…” he sighed heavily, “never mind. Fuck it.”

“No, no, don’t ‘fuck it,’” Ivo replied, taking Joseph’s abused hand in his as they walked. The bruising he’d suffered from the IV was clearing up but nothing was pretty about the motley mash of yellow and green. They passed the boxes of herbs, their freshness slicing through Henrietta’s nasty ass air. Jersey’s air was polluted, sure, but Henrietta’s was suffocating. Did they know what wind was around here? “C’mon, what’s up? You’ve made it this far so tell me what’s on your degenerate mind.”

His son laughed, leaning into Ivo and setting his head on his shoulder. Yeah, his fucking head. Ivo was so not over how tall Joseph was. He looked even taller because he was all bones. “Degenerate? Tsk, tsk, Lord Kavinsky, who the hell are you calling a degenerate?”

Oh, his kid was a degenerate alright. Not only had Ivo done a check through police records but he’d gone around and _asked_ people what they knew about Joseph Kavinsky.

_“Quick question,” Ivo said with the charming smile he knew made everyone buy whatever shit he was selling as he paid for giant ass Walnut’s food, “I’ve been hearing the name Kavinsky going around…” the cashier’s eyes went wide and hell if that wasn’t a warning signal, “and I’m just curious about it. Is it someone important…?”_

_The boy laughed, he was maybe a few years older than Joseph, as he bagged the cans of food. “Kavinsky? Well, depends who you’re talking to. To the addicts, he’s real important, sir, lemme tell you. To everyone else, he’s that bear that you don’t want to poke unless you plan on dying that minute.”_

_“Would you like to make that a medium for an extra fifty cents?” the girl named ‘Eva’ asked as she rang up his order at some shack called Good Burger. According to Jiang, if you wanted a good burger around here, you either went to McDonald’s-_

_‘the fuckin’ Mickey D’s, Mr. K’_

_-or to Good Burger. Being that Ivo had had McDonalds plenty of times before, he decided to go for the other option. “Nah, it’s fine, thank you.” Eva tapped a few things on the register, “Can you add a milkshake with that? Chocolate.” Technically, Joseph still wasn’t allowed much crap but Ivo would give him a few sips. “Hey, question, you ever hear the name Kavinsky?” The girl jammed the buttons harder. “Been hearing it around a bit. I’m new around here-”_

_“Then stay the hell away from that asshole. Trust me, that’s the best advice you’ll ever hear in your life. Anything else with your order?”_

“Be it from me to judge the actions of others, but Jesus, Joseph, have you made a name for yourself.”

“In a good way?” he said cheekily, seemingly better than his previous demeanor.

Previous…screaming demeanor.

_“I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I AM!”_

_Ivo glanced at the closed door before taking a seat beside Vesela. He was supposed to go make sure the house was clean and ready for people to live in it again instead of just for stop ins but since Nikol was here, she’d been more than happy to take care of it._

_He of course had no problems with her taking care of it._

_“You…uh…”_

_“I already went in earlier but she told me to leave,” Vesela murmured, looking cool as a cucumber slushie that Ivo wanted to eat. The slushie, not his wife, because it was stifling as fuck, Jesus fucking Christ._

_Not that he had any qualms about eating his wife but he knew she didn’t want him to so…_

_Vesela seemed unworried but just from the little crease between her brows as she looked at her phone did Ivo know that she was concerned. “She’s a doctor, I’m sure she knows what she’s doing.”_

_“Mhmm.”_

_“He has a lot of emotions to work through and I’m positive Dr. Cho will figure how to step with him.”_

_“You trying to reassure me or yourself?”_

She never did answer his question.

“No,” Ivo snorted as they took a seat at a bench surrounded by plants galore. Sure, gardens were nice but couldn’t they give someone some type of reaction or something? Allergies? “Not in a good way.”

“Eh,” Joseph shrugged, leaning forward and resting his arms – his right with care – on his legs as he stared down at the floor. A beetle skittered past Joseph’s socks and sandals clad feet. “As…someone who’s been in a relationship for a very long time, um…”

“This about Finlay still not coming?”

“Yeah.” Letting out a heavy sigh, he slid a foot back and forth along the cement with crunching skids breaking the peace of the garden. “I know I fucked up, I get it, but how am I supposed to apologize if he doesn’t come? I can’t go to him.”

“You can now.”

Joseph scratched his good hand along his head, the short hairs growing out from the former buzz parting ways for his bony fingers. “No way in God fucking hell am I going anywhere near Aglionby. I’m going to become a hermit, in fact.”

Yawning and stretching his arm along the back of the bench, Ivo replied “Dunno if that’s going to fix your relationship though. You’re the one who messed up, then you’re the one who needs to do the hard work and groveling.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“It can be.”

“No, it can’t be,” Joseph said, sounding tired beyond his years. Exhausted. Straightening and leaning back into the bench, his eyes trailed a butterfly as he murmured “I show up at Aglionby and it’ll be a shit show. I may not have been connected with the outside world the past few weeks but I know that everyone knows what happened.”

Ivo didn’t disagree. He’d taken note of not only how gossip flowed through this town but how any gossip about certain people – especially his son – flowed better than any other. “So? Are you ashamed?”

“It’s not about the shame,” Joseph answered, scratching at his freshly cleaned jaw. He didn’t get much hair on his face but like Ivo, he preferred it smooth. “You need to understand, besides for the three guys you’ve met, plus Prokopenko and Gwen, everyone harbors very ill feelings towards me. Which I totally understand. It’s not like I painted myself any less than an asshole. But I know these things and people know I know these things and yet the majority are going to smile in my face and say that they’re glad I’m okay.” Joseph laughed. “We all know that they don’t mean it.”

He wasn’t sure how to say this without sounding mean. It probably meant that there was no other way to say it, really. “You brought it upon yourself. No one told you to be an asshole. Or mean. Or cruel, a drug dealer, a jackass, a piece of shit-”

“Okay, okay, thank you.”

“I’m just saying. When you frame yourself as something, then expect the repercussions that come with it. You’re a very likable person but you chose to make yourself something else.”

Joseph stretched out his long legs and rested his head back on Ivo’s arm, staring up at the sky. “Likable, huh? That why you never liked me? Because I was oh so likable?”

“I’ve always loved you,” Ivo snorted, unfazed in the least because it was like dealing with his own assholic personality. “I’m just a shit father. Doesn’t mean I loved you any less. If you weren’t likable, your cousins wouldn’t like you the way they hate hanging around with what’s-his-face with the big ears.” Joseph snorted in amusement, rolling his eyes. “Out of their cousins, they like you the best. You think that’s because you’re unlikable? Emilio, to this day, adores you. Is that because you’re unlikable? Or what about-”

“He has a boyfriend.”

Now the question was, how did Joseph know that? Ivo knew it because he’d heard and seen. Joseph wasn’t even in Jersey to see by chance which meant someone had told him. “He does. Tall black kid whatever his name is.”

“Marcus.”

Ivo knew Marcus’ name. How Joseph knew… “That’s the one. So how do you know all this?”

“You know what’s funny,” Joseph murmured, seemingly speaking to himself as he stared out at the garden around them, “is that when I found out, I was jealous. It hurt. But it also made me happy because I wanted him to move on and be happy. Have a life. I was happy but I was burning with so much envy that someone besides me got to have him.”

“And now?”

“Saying it out loud right now…” he leaned his head back once more, shutting his eyes as his mouth curled into a smile, “now I was just want him to meet Finlay so I can rub my boyfriend in his face and tell him how much cooler my tall black dude is than his own.” He frowned, “Of course, I’d have to get my tall black dude back to be able to brag about him.”

“You haven’t lost him,” Ivo pointed out, taking a glance at his watch. They had to get up and get ready to go. “He’s just distanced himself for now. He’s hurt and he has a right to be hurt. Come on, let’s get moving. Up.”

Joseph dragged himself to his feet, still frowning. “I know that but like…” he sighed as he trailed behind Ivo, not another word escaping his lips.

They walked in silence out of the garden and back into the hospital, Joseph remaining a couple steps behind him no matter how many times Ivo paused to let him catch up. By the time they reached Joseph’s room, the silence was so damn annoying that Ivo didn’t even bother waiting for Joseph and just went right in where Vesela stood packing up their stuff. “How was the walk?”

“Fine until it became stifling,” Ivo snorted, looking over the stuff on the bed. “This everything?”

“I think so. We’re all good to go.” She looked over at mopey boy leaning against the sink. “Ready?” Joseph shrugged, still frowning. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” he sighed, not meeting her eyes. “Just nothing.”

Vesela glanced over at Ivo and he snorted “He’s upset lover boy hasn’t been coming around. I told him he’s not going to until Joseph apologizes.”

“What part of ‘I can’t go’ don’t you get?” Joseph snapped, his head whipping over in Ivo’s direction, showing off his furious face. It was almost like looking in a mirror except the heart of Joseph’s pain and anger came from somewhere else. “And I don’t even know where the fuck my phone is.”

Slinging a duffel on his shoulder and grabbing another bag while shoving an escaping beanie baby back in, Ivo replied “You can go. The only one stopping you is you.” Joseph opened his mouth, the fire burning hotter than ever in his eyes but Ivo cut him off before he could speak, “You’re not ashamed then act like it. You tried to kill yourself? Congratulations, you lived. Those people mean nothing to you and you nothing to them. Show it. Prove it. Act it. Finlay is the one who matters to you?” Joseph said nothing, his jaw clenched tight and his arms crossed. “Yes or no?”

“Yes,” he answered icily.

“Then prove it to him. Go to his door, go looking for him. He wouldn’t want you to face those people anyways. He’d make sure you were hidden, would be honored that you risked what you didn’t want to just for him. Right?”

Joseph still looked pissed but was on the line of more pouty than angry as his arms slid to his sides with a heavy sigh. “Right.” His eyes found their way to Fluffs sitting on the cot, waiting to get to his new home. “Shouldn’t I buy him something?”

Hey, hey, Ivo’s harsh advice was working. Nice. “That couldn’t hurt.”

“Something…cheesy because he’s a cheesy fucker.”

“No way around that one,” Vesela laughed, grabbing the other bags and nodding at all the flowers around the room. Most were on their last limbs but Vesela had made sure that they lasted at least until they got home. Some had joined other’s in their baskets or vases, reducing the amount to two vases and a basket of flowers. It would’ve been three vases if this morning hadn’t happened. Vesela had worked hard with those roses and hadn’t been happy at their demise. “Grab Fluffs and your flowers.”

Scratching at the good side of his neck, Joseph looked between them as Ivo stooped down to pick up a stray bag trying to get away. Vesela had loaded some stuff in the car while they were on their garden walk so Ivo was amazed there was still so much shit here. “Can I get like…sunglasses or something? A hat?”

“What are you, a celebrity?” Ivo muttered, rolling his eyes, but nonetheless handing over his glasses. “There might be a cap in the car.”

“I’d just prefer to make it home unscathed,” Joseph murmured, sliding on the glasses and looping giant Fluffs in one arm while picking up the basket of flowers in another. “I think we’ll need another trip. Also, can we stop at Walmart? I need one of yous to pick out something for Finlay.”

“Shouldn’t you at least tell me what to pick up?”

“That way its more from you,” Vesela added. “Maybe anything would work but think of the little details.”

Joseph glanced at her in confusion, the corner of his mouth twisting downwards while an eyebrow went up. “What do you mean? Cheesy is cheesy.”

Taking a seat on the cot for a moment, Vesela explained “Think of it like this. I like any sort of gift your bashtá gives me because he bought it or made it for me. Because it came from him. But let’s say he bought it in blue-”

Only an idiot would buy Vesela something in blue. She liked it, but if Ivo wanted to win, he bought something in pink. Or green. Blue his ass.

“-which is fine because I’ll love it. However, if he’d gotten it in pink, I would love it just a bit more. Why do you think?”

“Because it’s your favorite color,” Joseph said with an easy shrug. “Of course you’d like it more.”

“I’d like it more because it means he was paying attention to me. Taking little notes about the small things. You get it?”

His son seemed to be processing the words extremely hard, his forehead collapsing on itself as he did. Biting at his lip, Joseph murmured “Yeah, okay…” Blinking harshly like he was clearing his head, he looked up at Vesela and asked “So…something yellow? He likes yellow. A lot. He likes bright colors. Bright and bold and BAM, in your damn face. And he likes plants and…uhm…motorcycles and select books about spies and reporters and….”

Ivo couldn’t help it. “Why yellow? It’s so damn fucking bright and…bright.” Ivo would have to be on the verge of death to be convinced to wear yellow. Even then, it’d take a whole lot of persuasion.

“That’s why.” A smile lit his face as he quoted with his fingers “’You just be ignorant to the beauty of bright colors on black skin.’” Pointing at Ivo, he added “Your first lesson in black dude fashion according to Finlay Swan. Take notes, you might need them later.”

This boy, no, _man_ in front of him may not entirely look like his child anymore but he sure as fuck still acted like him.

Dork to the fucking max.

Ivo couldn’t be happier.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> For those who didn't know, I posted a Snapshot after the last update! It's a dream pack snapshot. No plot to be honest, just Fourth of July Pre festing kinda sorta. In Skov's pov
> 
> Enjoy today's chapter! Hope y'all are well!
> 
> _“Let’s get some ice for your face, pups. This guy has issues, Jesus Lord.”_

Despite Joseph wanting to fix things with Finlay as soon as he could, whether he liked it or not, he had to go home first.

Honestly, he wasn’t sure he was ready.

It wasn’t about facing his tétka’s family or having both his parents in the same home again or even living with undead Ivo. It was the simple matter that he’d set up that house for a goodbye and now he was walking in for a hello all over again. Really, it was a little cruel of the world.

Clutching Fluffs as tight as he could with one arm to his chest and the other arm keeping Mr. Cat as close as could be, Joseph trailed after his mother to the door, nerves buzzing like bees that couldn’t find their queen. Had she found his notes? All the things he’d left to be found? Had she read his suicide note? Joseph hoped not. It was filled with words for her to read after his death, not to read only to want to talk to him about it. It was a final goodbye, not a conversation opener.

Had Finlay opened his note?

Fuck. He had to take them back before anyone read anything.

“We’re here!” his mother cheered, walking in to the sound of voices greeting her with Joseph coming in behind her. The house smelled so _good_. He breathed in the scent. It smelled like his tétka’s delicious cooking. Not better than his mother’s but damn close. “Who wants to help carry crap from the car?”

Joseph couldn’t help but smile. She sounded so…not just happy but…alive. Herself again. Like things were finally going right in the world because she had a majority of her family back with her all over again. “They’re all lazy asses,” Joseph snorted as a chorus of ‘no, thanks’ met his mother’s words. He lost his chance to say more, however, as loud barking cut him off.

Shit, she was probably going to try and jump on him.

Putting down Fluffs as fast as he could before he could get ruined because unlike Mr. Cat, he wasn’t a mess yet, Joseph barely had a chance to brace himself before Walnut reached him and jumped up, barking like she’d never been happier in her life. Her huge paws were nearly on his shoulders as she stuck out her mile long tongue, licking him anywhere she could manage while still somehow whimpering in excitement.

It was inevitable, of course, that they’d tip.

Ergo, it was inevitable that Joseph would try and catch their fall. Which meant using his arms because how else was one supposed to catch themselves? He had to hand it to himself though; slamming down on his arm was one of the most painful things he’d ever felt but he didn’t scream. It was more of an internal yet external groan and moan of severe ‘I’m gonna die, dear Lord help me, omg I need my mom like fuck now’ sort of thing.

He was pretty proud of it actually.

Joseph rolled over onto his stomach to hide his pain as he moaned while on the verge of tears, holding his body up by his left arm with his right that was one fire clutched to his chest. They were hands on his shoulders, his mother’s to be exact, as he groaned out a broken curse. “Fuck. Me. _Fuck._ ”

Walnut whimpered, nosing at his ribs with her big as nose as his mother helped him into a sitting position, her face cringing with him. “Do we need to go back to the hospital? How bad is it? Should we ban Walnut to the backyard?”

It was like the big dog knew she’d done wrong and was in trouble, bowing down in front of Joseph and whimpering, her tail droopy as fuck. Joseph’s face was still grimacing and his arm was still engulfed in flames but he patted poor Walnut who hadn’t known any better on her big ass head. “I know you didn’t mean it, you oaf.” She licked his hand, pressing her nose into his palm. “Stupid dog.”

“So no hospital?”

“Hospital?” Skov squeaked, which didn’t make any sense because Joseph knew that he hadn’t come with them. In fact, he hadn’t seen him at all today so… “Why hospital? You just got home!”

Blinking through his haze of pain, Joseph stared at Skov and Jiang standing in the doorway before they got pushed by his father bringing bags in. “Don’t stand in the fucking way,” his father muttered before pausing and taking in the scene. “What happened?”

“Walnut missed me,” Joseph answered, not caring anymore about the pain as he stared at his friends. “Why are you fuckers here?”

Skov looked scandalized, clutching his gift bag to his chest. “To welcome you home! Duh! That’s why I have to make sure you’re home for good. So are you?”

“I guess.”

“Perfect!” Skov cheered, looking oh so positively ecstatic. He walked over and sat on the floor beside Joseph and his mother. Skov made it a point to leave a good foot between himself and Walnut. “Then here you go!” he exclaimed, holding out the bag. “This is the ‘yay, you’re home!’ gift. It’s another building thing because I figure its best to keep your hands busy.”

Joseph paused as he accepted the bag. “Why?”

The way Skov blushed in that second was too damn cute. Not that Joseph would ever admit that to anyone. “So…you know…”

“So you don’t try and off yourself again,” Jiang snorted where he still stood in the doorway. “He wants to keep your hands and mind busy.”

“That’s not very subtle,” Skov grumbled, not meeting Joseph’s eyes. “You’re terrible.”

“Fuck subtle, man. Since when has K ever been subtle?”

“I can be subtle,” Joseph muttered, taking the bag and pulling out another robotics kit. This one had a shit ton more pieces. He had a feeling it’d take him a good long while. Skov sure did want to keep him busy. “I can be the king of subtilty.”

“Uhuh.”

“I can.”

“The only thing you can be subtle about is checking out dudes,” Jiang laughed, walking in further as he yawned, stretching his arms up high in the sky with a satisfied groan. “Because you don’t want us watching you checking them out. I, of course, notice every time.”

“No you don’t,” he muttered because he did make it a point to not let anyone catch him maybe kinda sorta watching some…possibly…good looking guys.

He was admitting to nothing.

“Do too. I always pay attention to see if someone’s checking me out.”

The joke was on Jiang then. Opening the box to take a look at all the thousands of pieces, Joseph, completely forgetting that he had quite a large audience besides his friends, snorted “I’ve never once checked you out. Sorry to break your heart.”

“And that’s the problem!” Jiang exclaimed, throwing his hands in Joseph direction like he just didn’t understand how the fuck this was possible. He plopped down onto one of the island stools and said “Every guy checks me out! I’m fine as fuck!”

“Subjective.”

“And yet not once,” Jiang continued, either not catching Joseph’s word or ignoring it, “have you looked in my direction and been like ‘damn! I’d tap that!’”

“Because I wouldn’t.”

“That’s what I don’t get!” Joseph just focused on taking out the pieces and reading the instructions as Skov stared at Jiang with his wide innocent eyes. “What does Skov have that I don’t?”

Ah, this fucker.

“Me?” Skov squeaked in horror, ever the one to have a panic attack when he was the object of supposed desire. He’d suffered a lot of jokes at Jiang’s hands. He glanced between Jiang and Joseph, “He’s…just joking. Duh.” Joseph glanced up from the instructions, blinking at Skov because, well, no, Jiang was in fact correct. “Joking.” Skov waited for Joseph to affirm it.

There would be no affirming.

Poor Puppy glanced between them again, his blush deepening by the second from his cheeks down his neck and probably his chest too if Joseph could see beneath his white tee. “Joking?”

“No, I’m not fucking joking,” Jiang snorted. “Yo, how blind are you?”

Skov gave Joseph another look. “How blind am I?”

Joseph shrugged and resumed his reading. “I guess extremely.”

“Um…huh…?”

“You asked, I answered.”

“Oh.” Joseph waited for Skov to say more because he was the type of guy who just had to talk things out no matter how awkward it might end up being. It took a few quiet minutes but eventually Skov asked “Um…so like…you think I’m handsome?”

Joseph turned the page with a loud crinkle. “No, I think you’re cute. They’re not the same thing. Finlay is handsome. You’re cute. Vast difference.”

He was silent for a few seconds before asking “What’s the difference?”

To be honest, Joseph wasn’t too sure. He just knew that was how it was. “You’re you, all…” he waved the loudest crinkliest instruction book in the world around a bit as he tried to find the right words, “uh…like…petite and pretty.”

Never in the time Joseph had known Skov had he seen him blush as bad as he was now. If his eyeballs had the capability to blush, they’d be blushing along with the rest of him.

“Finlay is…” he made squarish motion with his hands before repeating the gesture and making him into a perfect square because, well, Joseph may think he had a thing for guys on the shorter side, but Finlay was _something_. He was muscles but not buff, lean but not skinny, had that long ass torso a person would find on a swimmer…those gorgeous eyes… “He’s _fine_.” Jiang burst into laughter, a giddy laugh like he’d been waiting all his life for this moment. “He’s…y’know…manly.”

“I can be manly,” Skov muttered, crossing his arms and totally dejected as if he even wanted Joseph to crush on him. “I’m not that short. God.”

“Yo, man, why you offended?” Jiang snorted in amusement, opening a banana and taking a bite. He made sure to swallow before he spoke because he probably remembered that the last time he spoke with a mouth full of banana, Joseph slapped him for it. “Plus, he likes short people. Swan’s an exception.”

“I admit to nothing,” he replied, returning back to his reading. This thing sounded hard as fuck. Goddamn, did Skov want him to have a brain hernia?

“And anyways, if you knew half the things he’s thought about you, you’d be running a mile away already.”

Skov’s eyes went so wide, Joseph caught the motion even while still reading. “What kind of things?”

“Nothing. Don’t listen to him. He’s a liar,” Joseph cut in before Jiang said something stupid.

Of course, that didn’t stop Jiang because he was naturally stupid. How Isha put up with him, they’d never know. “I’m just saying I’m not the only one who’s ever thought about your lips suck-”

“Oh my God,” Skov groaned, covering his face as he tumbled backwards onto his back despite the floor being hard ass tile. “There’s two of them now.”

“I never said a thing,” Joseph said to the chorus of Skov’s continuous groans, his face burning despite himself. “And anyways, even if maybe I ever thought such a thing, I wouldn’t bother now.”

“Yeah, Swan got fine as fuck lips, man,” Jiang said full of surety as he nodded. “I mean, _dayyum,_ you’d think he got fillers or something.”

“I will throw something at you.”

Jiang blew a very ugly raspberry after the last bite of his banana. “Oh yeah? What, Skov’s gift, your dog, or your mom?”

His mom?

Oh, fuck.

He’d completely forgotten that she was sitting right damn next to him. No wonder he was so calm; she instilled calmness into the world. Turning his head slowly, he stared at her stupid smiling face that somehow, looked like Jiang’s.

It was like they’d never been happier in their lives.

“You’re so cute when you talk gay!” she squealed, yanking him into a tight hug, strangling the damn life out of him. She pressed one of those nasty ass kisses that were made to annoy against his temple, “You’re freaking adorable! I love it!”

“Stop,” he grumbled, trying to push her off but she had one hell of an iron grip. His mother kissed him again, laughing that laugh he’d loved since he was a child. “Stop it, woman. You’re so damn annoying. You and that stupid fucker over there.” He kicked Skov in the ankle who was still groaning into his hands, “And you, shut the hell up. Get over it. You should be flattered.”

“Flattered!” Skov shouted, sitting straight up and still blushing as fuck. After all this time, how could he seriously still be blushing about it? Jesus. “My friends have been having secret dirty thoughts about my _mouth._ ”

Finding that there was no way to get his mother off of him, Joseph decided to just settle into her embrace. Might as well enjoy it. “I actually told you about what Jiang thought. That makes it not secret.”

“You didn’t tell me you were thinking the same thing!”

Joseph shrugged. “How the hell do you think it came up? White boys don’t typically have nice lips, you should be happy.”

“Really.”

“You should,” Jiang agreed. “You’ve been blessed with nice lips, man. K’s got a nice bottom one but you’ve got the full package. You should be proud, prodigy.”

“Do I have nice lips?”

They turned and stared at Andrey rubbing his mouth in thought. Ever the one to ask the stupid questions. Obviously, that hadn’t changed. “Seriously right now.”

Andrey glanced between him and Jiang. “What? I want to know. I’m a white boy. Do I have a nice mouth? Ivet doesn’t tell me these things. She’s not one all about words, you know that.”

“Andrey, don’t ask such a ridiculous question,” tétka Nikol snorted, looking particularly uncomfortable. It was the uncomfortableness that not even his father was expressing that annoyed Joseph. If his formerly homophobic father could laugh with them, then this bitch had to get the fuck over herself. “Why would you want them to answer that?”

“Why not? I asked Joseph and Emilio before if I was good looking or not.” Andrey shrugged, looking particularly proud of himself. “Emilio said he thought I was mighty fine.”

“Actually,” Joseph couldn’t help but correct because if he was finally allowed to talk about the best year of his life, then he was going to damn well enjoy it. “You asked if you were pretty. There’s a difference between the two. And I never answered so don’t include me.”

“Well, you said my ears were fine.”

“You grew into them.”

“See? That’s something. Are my lips fine too? Maybe I’m entirely fine?”

“I like this dude,” Jiang said, nodding in thought as he appraised Andrey with a new lens. Looking at Joseph and pointing at Andrey, he repeated “I like this dude.”

Packing up the pieces before Walnut decided to eat one, Joseph snorted “He’s free, you can keep him.”

“Yo, dude I like, have I ever shown you my bae?” Joseph rolled his eyes because once you were liked by Xia Jiang, your life was over. He’d never leave you alone again. “He’s fine as fuck. Drop dead gorgeous to the max and adorable to the max times ten. He’s the hottest thing on this planet. Sexy to the-”

“He must have the patience of a goddamn saint,” his father interrupted, plopping down onto the couch now that his work of unloading was done. “How in the fuck does he put up with you?”

Jiang said something and his father said something back but Joseph didn’t listen to the words. He just smiled and appreciated the fact that his house felt like a home. It had noise. It had life.

It was good to be home.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> It's election day kids and if you haven't voted, seriously go vote. Be safe and let's all hope for the best.
> 
> Anyways, please enjoy the chapter! Kudos and comments are always welcome
> 
> _“You bet your soul?”_

Someone had touched his stuff.

It was easy to say his mother probably touched his things and Joseph was positive that she had, flushing drugs, getting him clothes, and whatever else. That was fine. His father had to pull Mr. Cat out of the closet so that was fine too because he knew that his father wouldn’t have touched anything else. He wasn’t the type to snoop, especially not with their relationship on the iffy train.

No, whoever had touched his shit not only didn’t have the okay from him but they also didn’t even know how to cover their own tracks. Picking up the bottle of lube just sitting there on the floor, completely forgotten, Joseph pulled open his top nightstand drawer to see what else had been moved.

The answer was everything.

Literally, this person had no fucking respect to just go through his things without even _trying_ to make it look like they hadn’t. They were going to bring hell upon their heads all by themselves. No effort from him even. They’d caused the problem all by their lonesome.

With the bottle clutched tight in his hand, Joseph strode out of his room – Walnut on his heels because she wasn’t letting him out of her sights anytime soon – and came to a stop at the small landing before the top of the stairs, leaning himself over the railing. “Yo, fuckshits,” Joseph snapped, specifically looking at Anka because he’d bet fucking Walnut that she was the one who’d touched his crap, “next time you want to go through my things, at least make it look like you didn’t.”

All eyes were on him while Anka had the nerve to roll hers, probably thinking he wasn’t on to her already. “No one touched-”

She was lucky she was a girl because no matter what fury burned within him, he’d never physically hurt one. Instead of flinging the tube at her face, which he would’ve done with a guy, her threw it at the floor, making sure to pass her ear by an inch. “Like fuck you didn’t! Who the fuck-”

“Joseph-” his mother began from where she stood in the kitchen.

“-do you think you fucking are, you fucking bitch!”

“Hey!” his mother snapped, catching his full attention. She didn’t need to yell to be effective with him. All she had to do was use that right tone of voice that made him feel like he was unworthy to even be around her. “Stop. We do not throw things-”

“Mayko-”

“I’m not finished. We don’t throw and we don’t-”

“She was going through _my_ room-”

“I am talking.” Despite himself, his jaw clamped shut as she crossed her arms, her eyes flashing and daring him to try and interrupt again. “We don’t throw and we don’t yell-”

She couldn’t be serious right now. “What should I do, then, huh? Say thank you for touching my things without permission? She can sit there with her arms crossed all high and mighty fooling no one. She just can’t expect me to not call her out for it. I have a very small bullshit meter.”

Anka looked unfazed, her eyes just as sharp as his had to be. “You and your ‘boyfriend’ apparently. Let’s not forget he dumped you pretty quick for your bullshit.”

“Bitch, you didn’t,” Jiang whispered, his jaw dropping as Skov’s eyes went wide in shock. “You don’t touch that. You do not. Holy shit paste.” His gaze flicked over to Joseph, looking worried and in any other moment, Joseph would’ve laughed at that worry. Or made a joke at the very least. “He didn’t-”

“Jiang, shut up.”

His buddy opened his mouth before he must’ve thought about it and closed it, looking unhappy. But it seemed where Jiang lacked, Skov wanted to make up for it. Surprising, because typically, puppy didn’t have the balls to be confrontational.

But he wasn’t looking at Joseph.

“That’s really rude, you know,” Skov said, a certain sternness to his voice that all the guys knew to be his disappointed voice. Like a ‘damn, I though better of you.’ “Making fun of someone like that, especially when that someone has been through a lot because of how they feel. You don’t know anything about him and you sure as hell don’t know anything about Swan so just shut up. You did wrong so stop acting like you didn’t and apologize.”

Damn, he was cute.

“He’s my cousin. I know him better than you do.”

“I’m not immature enough to be dragged into a stupid conversation like that,” Skov snorted, crossing his arms, his head taking on a superior tilt. “You were wrong and you know you were wrong but you don’t want to admit it so you’re getting defensive. Trust me, I’ve seen it. I hang out with assholes.” Both he and Jiang burst into laughter making Skov roll his eyes. “Well, I do. You guys aren’t exactly prime choices or anything.”

Pointing his finger down at the blonde boy, Joseph replied “Hey, no one forced you.”

“I blame Sasha.”

“And,” Joseph added, switching his finger pointing to Jiang, “it was your idea to let him hang out with us. You brought him, not me. The only person I brought was Proko and you fuckers all attached yourselves to my amazingness.”

Skov just rolled his eyes, his arms still crossed across his chest as he sat on a couch. “Please stop showing everyone how conceited you are. It’s unbecoming.”

“He’s entirely unbecoming,” Jiang laughed, walking over and stooping down to pick up the lube. “This brand any good? Never tried it before. I call dibs. It’s mine now.”

It wasn’t even worth deigning that with a response as Joseph rolled his eyes and walked back to his room, point having been made. He didn’t think Anka would be coming near him anytime soon which worked perfectly fine for him. It wasn’t like he’d asked them to come anyways.

Taking initiative wasn’t always a good thing.

“Hey, K?” Skov’s head poked into the room, his eyes going wide with wonderous sparkles lighting them up. “Oh, I like your room!” Bouncing in as Joseph dropped down onto a bed he hadn’t realized he’d missed so bad, the little blonde said “It’s so nice. And personal! I approve.” He threw himself into the bean bag, arms and legs splaying out like dead fish. “Can I sleep over?”

Dear Lord, a door had opened. “Skov-”

“Please?”

Those puppy eyes worked wonders but so did Joseph’s stubbornness. He wasn’t a Kavinsky for nothing. “No.”

Skov pursed his lips, his eyes beginning to water.

Fuck.

“Are you seriously going to cry?” Joseph all but snapped because it wasn’t cool to fuck with his tired emotions. Tears from anyone else wouldn’t bother him but Skov and his stupid oceans made him feel guilty. “Fine,” he agreed with an angry snort, crossing his arms. “There, you happy?”

Clapping like a fucking seal while his nonexistent puppy ears perked, Skov nodded excitedly. “Thank you!”

“What are you turds talking about,” Jiang yawned, walking in without a care like he owned the place. He seemed to own a lot of places. “Something gouda?”

“I’m gonna sleep over!” Skov squealed, his hands reaching for the sky. “My first sleepover!”

For Swan, Joseph understood why he’d never had sleepovers before. But Skov had the most normal life out of all of them. Closer to Joseph’s if he didn’t have dream powers. Hell, more normal than his even. “Why have you never had a sleepover before?”

Hands dropping and giving Joseph the ‘are you stupid’ look, Skov snorted “I know you haven’t met my mom but you know enough. C’mon, K, you’re supposed to be the smartest out of us.”

That was a fair point. She didn’t sound easy. She’d never sounded like an easy person to deal with. Ever. “If she’s never been okay with it…” he trailed, kind of hating to break pup’s spirit, “why is she going to be okay with it today?”

Jiang and the bottle of lube, now his, dropped down onto the bed beside Joseph, throwing himself backwards so he stared up at the ceiling, his legs over the side of the bed. “He’ll either lie or not tell her. Duh, man.” He held up the bottle to the ceiling, “You talk with Swan yet?”

Way to kill Joseph’s fluctuating emotions. Killing the urge to pick at the drying minor burns on his fingers by sitting on his good hand, Joseph muttered “No.”

“You gonna?”

He knew he had too. He knew that he definitely should. But he also knew who Finlay Swan was and when Finlay Swan was pissed, he was royally pissed. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

Joseph had made Finlay Swan _very_ pissed.

The only way Finlay would ever forgive Joseph was if Joseph went to him and begged. Or at least kissed some serious ass. But that required something Joseph just couldn’t do. Not the begging and not the kissing ass; he could totally do those. Hell, he’d done them before for Emilio. He sure as hell could do it for Finlay. The problem was something far bigger.

It was going to Aglionby.

No way, no way in fucking hell, could Joseph face that damn school. Just parking in the damn parking lot would be bad enough. This was it; he was going back to homeschooling. Fuck a high school life because he sure as fuck didn’t want it anymore.

“I don’t think he’s going to take my calls right now,” Joseph eventually sighed, giving in and scratching at the smallest of his burns. “And a text would just be insulting.”

“Hell yeah it would.”

Setting his chin in his good hand, Joseph sighed again. Much much heavier this time. “There’s no way in hell I can go within thirty feet of Aglionby, man. No fucking way. I can’t do it.”

Hair lacking gel and flopping with the considering tilt of his head, Skov asked “Are you scared?”

It didn’t sound at all insulting but if it’d come from Jiang’s mouth, Joseph would’ve beat the crap out of him. “I…fuck…” What was the point of lying about it? “Yeah. I’m fucking terrified. I can’t show my face there after the shit show that went down. No way.”

“Definitely one hell of a shit show, goddamn,” Jiang mumbled, still holding the lube up high. “Couldn’t you kill yourself on your own time?”

“Jiang!”

“Well, he could’ve!” Jiang exclaimed, bouncing up and glaring at Skov. “Like, dude, legit, we were all in danger! You know how fucking lucky Prokopenko was that he didn’t die? That was like a fucking head-on collision with the fucking pole!”

Fuck. Prokopenko had completely passed his mind. Which was stupid because it wasn’t like they hadn’t mentioned him. It was just that in Joseph’s fucked up mind, Proko was still Proko.

Very alive.

Which was even stupider because obviously the real Prokopenko had been gone for more than a year now.

Joseph could totally play dumb about this all though. Jiang would probably want to beat the fuck out of him, but Joseph would let it pass. “What happened to Proko?”

The glare shot his way was hotter than any volcano ever could be. “Yo, man, do play stupid or are you that much of a fuck ass piece of shit?”

Both. Definitely both.

“While you were on your death train with that fucking freak ass firework of yours, Proko got in a fucking crash, you trash.”

In Joseph’s defense, he’d been unconscious right after the party so…

Stabbing a finger into Joseph’s upper arm, Jiang snapped “But you were busy on your suicide boat-”

His mother had called it a train, but boat was cool too. Joseph had always wanted to go on a boat and do whale watching. Or fishing. Fishing sounded so cool.

“-not giving a shit about anyone else. Have you asked how Prokopenko’s doing? Have you even wondered where the fuck he is?”

It was a yes and no that Joseph was not admitting to because he was pretty sure Jiang was reaching his violent level and Joseph was in no condition to handle it. “Actually-”

“Don’t lie to me!” Jiang spat, his eyes reaching critical mass of completely pissed. Getting to his feet, he shoved his finger hard into Joseph’s chest, way too fucking close to a graft. It was like a knife slicing through the many burns in the area but Joseph refused to make a noise and instead settled for gritting his teeth. His eye twitched like fuck as he tried not to wince but other than that, he thought he did pretty good.

But Skov was always a bit too perceptive.

“Stop, guys,” Skov snapped, shoving Jiang to the side. They all froze and stared at Skov’s still outstretched arms. If there was one of many things Skov did not do, it was get physical in anger. And he especially didn’t touch Jiang with that anger. No one except a dumbass touched Jiang when he was in this mode.

Which was to say that Joseph and Swan were dumbasses, of course.

“I’ll break your fucking hands,” Jiang hissed at Skov, unable to loom because he was shorter but that didn’t stop his menace in any way. “I’ll snap every fucking finger if you ever put your little ass hands on me again. Got it?”

Skov was slowly shrinking and Joseph was too interested to see how this was going to go to intervene. He swallowed down what seemed to be the hugest lump a throat could ever hold, his Adam’s apple bobbing harshly, but he didn’t back down. “Why don’t you ask K how many of his burns you just popped?”

Joseph’s eyes slid to Jiang whose jaw was ticking as he glared at Skov. “How ‘bout you go ask your buddy Sasha how he’s liking hobbling around with a broken foot and headaches that are driving him nuts? Or the flu he’s had to put up with in the fucking summer?”

He so could not be blamed for the flu. Who the hell caught-

Ah.

Ivo hadn’t been complaining because the man didn’t complain but Joseph had noticed that he wasn’t himself. He’d pressed his fingers to his temples more often than not, probably from constant headaches. He looked like shit, probably because he was borderline ‘flu.’

His father was lucky he was the better of the two forgeries.

“How about,” Skov said, his voice stiff and actually annoyed as his eyes blazed, “you stop trying to blame the world on everyone because you feel guilty? How about you stop threatening and walking over people like they’re nothing? It’s a pretty bad quality. Isha would be disappointed, Xia.”

Aw, shit.

If this was all for Joseph and a couple popped burns, then Joseph needed to step in now before Jiang-

Swung.

Fuck.

Being that no one had ever punched Skov before, he dropped hard and fast, flat on his ass. One hand held him up while the other held his quickly bruising cheek. It was worse that it was right under his eye, the skin thin there. Tears welled, creating what could be even bigger than oceans, as he stared up at Jiang in shock. He was trying hard to hold back his sniffles, biting his trembling lip hard but it wouldn’t last.

Joseph was way late but the best thing he could do right now was throw Jiang the fuck out and get ice on Skov’s face before it swelled. That was the decent thing. So because Joseph was thee most decent of all decent people, he slammed his foot into the side of Jiang’s knee, toppling his friend over the coffee table, a minor ‘fuck’ escaping his surprised breath.

Skov giggled through his tears, Joseph calling it a win for his day.

“Why don’t you fuck off until you cool down, you yellow shit,” Joseph snorted at Jiang who was blinking up in a blank stupor, as Joseph got to his feet and helped Skov up. “Let’s get some ice for your face, pups. This guy has issues, Jesus Lord.”

He earned another giggle and Joseph was pretty sure he just won the friend game today.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Hola, how y'all been? Don't forget that I still do Snapshots if you're looking for something  
> And uh...that's it I guess
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> _“I don’t want everyone to see how vulnerable I really am.”_

A good ten minutes later and Skov was still pretty much crying.

He was trying his best to laugh but he’d just end up crying all over again as he sat at the island with Joseph standing over him and holding a paper towel wrapped bag of peas to his face for him. Technically, Skov could hold the peas himself but Joseph felt like it was his job being it happened in his house and all. Jiang was still upstairs, so Joseph had a feeling he was trying to control his temper so he could come apologize to Skov.

None of them particularly liked it when he ended up hurt. He was their baby of the group and if they didn’t keep him safe, then no one would. It was their duty, if not yet a sworn one. But if the Silmarillion had taught Joseph anything, it was that you didn’t take oaths of sworn duties.

“Do I get a badge,” Skov asked softly, his finger playing with Joseph’s shirt. It was weird but Joseph let it go. The kid was probably still in shock. It was always weird when Joseph remembered that he was the oldest and Skov was the youngest and they had a good couple years between each other. “For taking my first punch?”

“Is there a badge for that?”

“You can make me one.”

Joseph just blinked at Skov who was studying Joseph’s shirt like it was the coolest thing. He still had yet to check on his burns but that was honestly the least of his concerns right now. “Should I put ‘congrats on popping your cherry’?

Skov snorted on his snot, a giggle erupting from his throat. “No! God.” He laughed, looking up at Joseph, his eyes finally having that twinkle again. “You’re terrible.”

“Thee absolute worst,” he agreed with a nod. “But here I am holding peas to your face, pups.”

Wiping a runaway tear with the back of his hand, Skov glanced around, Joseph having to work with those movements to keep the cold on his face. It was going to be hard enough for Skov to explain any bruising to his mother; they had to at least keep the swelling down. “Sorry for using your peas, Mrs. Kavinsky.”

Joseph’s mother rolled her eyes where she sat on the couch beside his tétka. Everyone had heard the arguing and they’d all expressed their concerns after seeing Skov’s face but Joseph had told them all to leave it. It was just how Jiang was. “Don’t be ridiculous. How’s your cheek feel?”

“Cold,” Skov laughed, wiping away the last of his tears, his eyes flicking up to the second floor where Jiang stood at the railing, hanging his arms over.

“Aw, look,” Joseph snorted, rolling his eyes as hard as a Kavinsky could. “Unless you got words of apology in there, don’t bother.”

“Unless someone is speaking to you,” Jiang snapped back, the fire definitely not yet dead, “then keep your damn mouth shut. No one wants to hear your shit ass voice.”

“Sounds better than yours.”

“Immaturity at its best,” Skov sighed, rolling his eyes and moving off Joseph’s hand and the peas from his face. “You guys literally sound the same except K’s voice is deeper.”

The what? Glaring at Skov, Joseph said incredulously “You think I,” he tapped his chest – in a safe spot – for emphasis before turning that finger up to Jiang, “sound like that Philly shit? Are you _kidding_ me?”

“Hoboken is so not Philly, kid,” his father cut in, staring at Skov like he was nuts. His father didn’t even have the north Jersey sound but he sure as hell had the spirit. His city was his city, pure Bulgarian or not. “Learn your accents. Hoboken isn’t even that south Jersey crap. Which sounds kinda like that dumbass’ Philly crap.”

“Hey,” Jiang muttered, sliding down to the floor and pressing his face against the railing, “you get your cream cheese from my city, old man. Bet you don’t even know the difference between all your Asians, you white man.”

His father was entirely unimpressed, his foot resting on the opposite knee as he stared up at Jiang. “Eastern European. And being that I’ve worked with quite a few different groups including but not limited to the triads, yakuza, and small time jopok here and there. I know my Asians, thank you.”

“Same shit. You’re all Euros.”

“Not really,” his father replied, nodding his head with his wry mouth dipping into a disbelieving frown at Jiang’s idiocy. “People don’t treat Easterners the way they treat westerners. It’s like we don’t even come from the same damn continent.”

More than just confused – it took Joseph a minute to understand why – Jiang and his scrunched nose asked “Why the fuck did you just nod your head?”

Joseph’s mother burst into a laugh as she got up to come check Skov’s ugly bruised cheek. She carefully grasped his chin, tilting his head up and to the side. A smile made her face bright and Joseph had never felt more guilty than now for taking her life away from her. He knew that she’d missed his father but it wasn’t until this delighted laughter slipped its way out did he realize how much.

You knew love was real when you missed the little things like your foreign husband not remembering he was in America. If there was one thing his father always had difficulty with when it came to American culture besides some choice words and pronunciation, it was the head motions.

‘No’ was a shake. ‘Yes’ was a nod.

It was the complete opposite in Bulgaria. Spending all his time in a Bulgarian mob didn’t exactly help him remember either. Joseph had grown up with these simple mistakes so seeing it was normal. Emilio had delighted in it so much when he’d noticed that he spent a month ‘being Bulgarian’ when they were little.

Rather than delighted, of course, Jiang was like ‘what the fuck did I just see.’

“You’re face looks terrible,” Joseph’s mother murmured, running a careful finger across the bruise, Skov flinching in a second. “Poor thing.”

“People, he just nodded no. Like is no one else bothered?”

“You’re talking to a house of Bulgarians,” his father snorted, probably annoyed that he had to make the mistake in front of Jiang of all people. “Why would they be bothered? You fuck.”

“Aw, did I hit a nerve?”

“I thought you’re here to apologize to me,” Skov cut in, glaring around Joseph’s mother. Pointing at the massive bruise that actually gave him a bit of the tough guy look he’d always wanted, Skov snapped “How exactly, Xia, am I supposed to explain this to my mother?”

Jiang didn’t do guilt and still wasn’t really doing it even if this was one of the rare moments where it was really really required. His rude humor was only going to hurt Skov’s feelings. “Wear makeup?”

Face even redder than when he’d found out that Joseph had certain thoughts that shouldn’t be said aloud, Skov opened his mouth to snap something only to close it a moment later. Crossing his arms, he turned away from Jiang, his anger coming off in hot waves. If he planned on the silent treatment, he was going to fail. Especially on Jiang who didn’t give a damn.

“Yo, if you’re gonna try and pull your silent treatment crap, it ain’t gonna work, you little shit. You fail every damn time.”

Skov was on the verge of pouting but he kept it in with a careful purse of his lips.

“Alright, fine,” Jiang hissed, completely pissed even though if it’d been anyone else, especially Joseph, he would’ve just laughed it off like he was a dumbass. Making his way downstairs with an angry bounce, he snorted as he tugged on his shoes “See if I give a damn, prodigy. You can pull your little bitchy fit. Don’t come crying to me later.”

It wasn’t until they watched his walk out the door that Skov muttered “If I try talking to him, you gotta punch me.”

“Oh?”

“But not hard!” Skov said quickly, waving his hands in front of him like he wanted to erase what he said. You hit hard! Softly, it’s gotta just be softly.”

Scratching at his buzzed head that he did not love at all, Joseph asked “When have I ever hit you?” Sure, they’d argued and there was of course the whole knife fiasco but Joseph would never hit Skov. No way. “I’ve never hit you. Especially hard.”

“The sad part is,” Skov said with his eyebrows way way up there, “I can’t tell if you’re being serious or not. The sadder part is, I think you are which makes it the ultimate sadness that you must’ve been so high that you don’t even remember.”

“There’s…a very high chance that’s possible,” he had to admit, embarrassed now because he couldn’t believe he’d whacked Skov one.

“Oh, it’s possible,” Skov snorted, taking the peas from Joseph and putting them back on his face. “Because it happened. You slammed me in the stomach.”

Oops. “Ouch?”

Skov blew a raspberry, his eyes rolling back even farther. “It’s okay, Jiang hit you back.”

This was all news to him and now he really wished he remembered because it’d give him more reason to beat the crap out of Jiang. “How recent was this?”

“This is just depressing,” Anka snorted as she walked into the kitchen, leaning over the island across from Joseph and Skov. “How high can a person get that they don’t remember?”

He opened his mouth to snap some nasty shit at her but Skov put his hand on Joseph’s mouth and said to Anka without turning to look at her “Excuse me, but this isn’t your conversation.”

“Do people tell you how annoying you are?”

Joseph tried to speak again to tell her off but Skov’s hand pushed down. If Joseph was feeling it, he’d lick the pup’s hand just to freak him out. “No because I hang out with people who are worse.”

“You shit,” Joseph laughed, moving Skov’s hand away and taking back the peas, giving Skov’s cheek a good look. “That’s gonna last you at least a week or two.”

Seemingly distressed, Skov yanked out his phone, his face turning ashen at seeing the damage for himself. “Oh my god. She’s never going to let me out of the house again.”

Walking around the island and to the fridge, Joseph tossed the peas back into the freezer and the napkin in the trash. As bad as it was, Jiang’s idea of makeup was honestly probably the best. There was no way they could hide Skov from his mother for more than a couple weeks. “You can join me in homeschooling then.”

Turning on his stool, Skov rested his elbows on the island and his face in his hands though his bruise was carefully avoided. He didn’t look pleased. “You’re not gonna do homeschooling.”

“Am too.”

“I won’t allow it.”

Oh, he was so scared. Opening a cabinet and taking out a cup, Joseph snorted “As if I give a damn what you allow, dumbass. As if you can stop me.”

“I can,” his mother said, turning up beside him with a smile. “You’re not homeschooling.”

Joseph and his empty cup paused at the fridge. “Why not? I’m not going to Aglionby. Not a chance. Legit, I’ll drop out of school if you try and make me.” It annoyed him how she just rolled her eyes like he was a joke in front of her. “I’m serious.”

“You can go to Aglionby or Mountain View, I don’t care which,” she replied, her arms crossed and her voice firm. “But you are going to a school. A _physical_ school.”

“Why?” he asked, irritated beyond belief. Who cared what kind of school he went to? At least he was going to one.

“For socialization.”

Socialization. Social-fucking-ization. Or however that word would be cut up. “Are you fucking kidding me? That’s the best you could come up with? _Socializing_ ,” he spat with disdain, his nose scrunching in a pained throb. “What the fuck do I want with socializing? Where has that gotten me?”

“Friends,” Skov said, raising his hand like he was answering a question in class. “Friends are a great product of socialization.”

“Shut up, no one’s talking to your stupid ass.”

“See? If we weren’t friends, I totally wouldn’t take that attitude. We are a product of socialization. Like animals. You love animals.”

Joseph shut his eyes in tired annoyance, his arms crossed as he leaned against the counter, knowing that when it came to a Skov lecture, patience was key.

“And people are essentially animals,” Skov continued, totally lost in his own world by the sound of his drifting voice. “I mean, if you really want to think about it super hard, we’re just slightly more cognitive than like primates and stuff. Dolphins are super smart too and elephants. We think that technically we’re superior but if you really think about it, there’s like a super tiny line that separates us. And a lot of times, there’s no line for people who have like no moral compass or whatever, you know?”

Two fingers pressed to his temple with the rest of his hand against his face, Joseph opened his eyes and blinked at the tiny fool before him. “Are you done?”

Skov’s cheeks flushed, likely from annoyance, before snorting “Were you even listening?”

“Sure. Primates, dolphins, psychopaths. Got it.”

“I’m just saying that being out and about with people is good for the soul.” Joseph opened his mouth to remind him that Jiang won his in a bet, but Skov stopped him. “Or the empty hole where it was bet from.”

“You bet your soul?” Andrey asked with a laugh. “Who’d you lose it to?”

Scrunching up his nose despite the bite of pain, Joseph muttered “Jiang. But he cheated, that cheater.”

“Can you cheat in rock, paper, scissors though?” Skov laughed before he winced and held his cheek. “I mean, if you change your answer fast enough maybe but like, it’s a pretty fair game.”

Pulling open the fridge and grabbing the orange juice, Joseph just snorted and poured himself some juice. Jiang had cheated, he knew it, he just couldn’t prove it. Not that he was that caught up in losing his soul; there wasn’t much Jiang could do with it anyways. Plus, it wasn’t even worth much so he couldn’t sell it either. He’d just hold onto it until their next bet or something and hold it against Joseph. Which was fine, honestly. Joseph was a winner when there wasn’t cheating involved.

“And if you really really-”

“Skov, just shut up.”

His little pert nose scrunched up in distaste before he broke into a laugh, his gel-free hair bouncing on his forehead. It was longer than he usually liked it but Joseph figured that maybe Skov thought it wasn’t the time for haircuts or something. “Hey, hey, what movies are we watching? I want an action movie.”

“Movies?”

Pursing his lips he crossed his arms and muttered “Sleepover, remember? Like ten minutes ago it was mentioned. Literally. You don’t even have the excuse of being high now to say you weren’t paying attention. Sleepovers have like movies and snacks and fun stuff.”

Actually, when he usually said that, he had been using it as an excuse. Joseph usually paid attention to what people said. “A sleepover sounds fun!” his mother cut in before he even had the chance to ruin the pup’s hopes by changing his mind. She came over and elbowed him, a smile on her face. “Sounds fun.”

Rolling his eyes and crossing his arms with careful movements though the hour he’d been home had already caused more damage than weeks in the hospital, Joseph snorted “I changed my mind.”

“You can’t do that!” Skov exclaimed, bouncing off the stool in a little ball of fury. “You already said yes!”

“No one told you to look like you were about to cry! All I needed was for you to start bawling like an idiot over something so stupid!”

“Mrs. Kavinsky, he already said yes.”

“Don’t try and use my mother against me, you little shit.”

Giving Joseph this dangerous looking side eye, his mother said “You already said yes.”

He didn’t know how, but Joseph was positive that this was Jiang’s fault.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> There was something I was planning on saying except now I can't even remember...  
> Enjoy!
> 
> _“No dirty joke for me?”_

“I’ll do that,” Skov said quickly, taking the blankets from Joseph’s hands and laying them out on the floor himself. He hadn’t stopped smiling since Joseph had officially agreed to let him stay. Literally, from him leaving to the dorm, grabbing some shit and coming back, Skov still had the smile on his stupid face. “So you don’t stress your arm or anything.”

“Thanks,” Joseph sighed, dropping down onto his bed. He was tired as fuck but all he could think about was how he was going to come up with a story for Skov on why he wanted the bathroom light to stay on. His baby fear of the dark was literally a phobia at this point.

The setup was nothing like the lean-to that Joseph had put all his effort into making when Swan had stayed over but it was a decent spread of blankets and pillows. Skov seemed pleased as he plopped down into the pillow pile, laughing as he did. “It’s totally fine if you’re too tired for movies or anything. Don’t worry. We can just sleep. Or talk. Or just sit quietly doing our own thing or something.”

Joseph wasn’t too sure what his own thing was right now. He’d cleaned up his room after Skov had disappeared, eaten lunch, ignored his family, eaten dinner – with Skov joining them – and now he was ignoring his family once more.

There were just too much damn people. He was used to the quiet and the comfort in sitting alone or with his mother or with Walnut but now, every corner he turned, there was a person.

He didn’t like it.

Laying down ever so carefully because, Lord, he’d exerted his body way too much today, Joseph just sighed again and stared up at his ceiling. “Did you see Swan by any chance?”

Silence followed his question for a good few minutes before Skov finally murmured almost carefully “I in fact did.”

Joseph wasn’t sure how he was supposed to ask if Finlay had asked about him without sounding pathetic or needy. “And?”

“And?”

“C’mon, man, don’t play with me like that.” Scooting to the edge of the bed and carefully flipping onto his stomach which turned out to be a bad bad bad idea, Joseph sat up instead, despite his exhaustion. He didn’t know how he was supposed to just sleep on his back all night. “He…didn’t maybe…”

“Mention you?”

“Yeah?”

Skov blinked at him with those pretty blues of his before looking up to the ceiling, intertwining his fingers on his pooching belly. He had been on a gummy worm rampage for a couple weeks and it showed. “You really hurt his feelings.”

That was a damn given. “I can’t apologize if he doesn’t come to me!”

Eyes flicking back on him, Skov murmured “Can’t?”

Huffing and dropping back onto his bed, Joseph scrunched his nose in disdain despite the pain. “Skov, man, it is not as simple as all of you idiots keeping trying to say it is. I can’t go back to Aglionby. I can’t.”

“Can’t or won’t.”

What the fuck did these idiots not understand? “Can’t. Caaan’t. Do you understand what that word means, prodigy?”

Skov hated when they called him that because he knew it was mockingly. He sat up, his hair flopping with the motion, and set his chin on the edge of Joseph’s bed. “Listen here, you. I don’t know how deep these feelings of your guys’ run for each other but I do know that before a relationship came a friendship. Came a whole lot of blood brothering between all of us and some damn good tom foolery. You hit him where it hurt the most. On purpose. If you’re not going to respect your relationship, then you respect your friendship.”

Joseph respected their relationship. Joseph _wanted_ their relationship. But no one seemed to understand that with going to Aglionby came ridicule and lies and fakery. He didn’t want that. He wasn’t even sure he could handle that. Joseph wanted to apologize. He knew that he was in the wrong but his apology required him to go to the very last damn place that he wanted to be twenty feet around.

“Are you listening?”

“I am,” Joseph said softly, feeling the weight of shame drowning him. “I really am. I like Finlay. A lot. I respect our relationship and I respect our blood brothering. But none of you seem to respect the genuine fear I have of going to that place. I don’t want to be there. I don’t want people’s lying faces and eyes searing every inch of my skin looking for burns. I don’t want to feel like a freakshow and I don’t want to know just how badly everyone kind of sort of wished I went.” He sighed his deepest sigh of the day, letting his eyes flutter shut. “I don’t want everyone to see how vulnerable I really am.”

He felt the mattress beside him dip but Joseph couldn’t bring himself to open his eyes after revealing such weaknesses. “You know,” came Skov’s voice, almost a careful whisper but not close enough for Joseph to feel the breath of it, “I think that you’re a lot stronger than you realize. And I think that you still think that you’re all alone in this very long climb of yours. But you’re not. I wouldn’t have let you go to Aglionby alone, you know. And I won’t let anyone ridicule you for being you.”

“You don’t know who ‘you’ is.”

“Maybe not quite, but I think I’ve gotten to see some really great parts. Parts that are way better than anything ‘Kavinsky’ could ever be.”

“I’m scared of the dark,” Joseph confessed, covering his face in the elbow of his good arm. They had to get to this one at some point before bed. “It freaks me the fuck out.”

“I’m claustrophobic.”

“Me too.”

“And the reason I don’t wear shoes with laces is because sometimes I still have trouble tying them.”

Man, that was a deep one coming from the half-prodigy. Joseph would die with that one. “Band-aids gross me the fuck out.”

“I still play with Legos.”

That one, Joseph had to pause for. Raising up his head and staring at Skov who had his chin in his upraised palms, elbows resting on the bed, Joseph asked “I hadn’t realized I wasn’t supposed to still enjoy Legos? Who the fuck doesn’t like Legos?”

Skov’s eyes lit up with literal joy, “You play with them too?”

Joseph _built._ He was an _architect._ Why did no one understand the art behind his car designs and his Lego building? “I _design._ Engineer, dammit. Why is that hard for people to understand? I’m not playing with toys; I’m creating buildings and architectural designs.”

Smile going to megawatt mode, Skov asked “Well, can we _design_ right now?”

“Are you mocking me, little bitch?”

Laughing as his upper body slid off the bed, Skov bounced to his feet. And bounced. Excessively. “Come on, I want to build. Let’s build, let’s build, let’s build!”

Joseph had created a monster. Or maybe he’d just awakened it from its slumber. “I’m one armed! That’s no fair.”

“Aw, come onnnn. Up, up, up, Joseph, Mr. Designer.”

“Oh fuck you,” Joseph couldn’t help but laugh, dragging himself to an upright position before sliding off the bed. “Bitch, I can build better than you with one fucking finger.”

“Well, I guess you’re just going to have to prove it, huh?”

It was against all of Joseph’s morals to get played like this but it was a challenge if nothing else. Joseph could totally build something way better than this little scruffy puppy. “Alright, fine.” Skov beamed like a freaking solar flare, his hands clasped together in cheesy joy. “But you gotta drag out the box. I’m one-fucking-armed.”

Despite how hard he tried, it was really hard getting to the basement/theater without being noticed. It was where Joseph kept his 18-gallon bin of small Legos because he could build without worrying about anything being in the way.

Yes, 18-gallons. The more, the better.

Duh.

“What are you two off to do?”

Joseph considered just completely ignoring his mother but he knew Skov wouldn’t be able to manage it. “Do shit. What else are we going to do?”

She raised her brow, knowing exactly who to ask as she turned her gaze on the innocent puppy beside him. “What are you two up to, sweetheart?”

“Has anyone told you that you talk like an old lady,” Joseph cut in with a mumble and an eyeroll.

His words were, of course, completely ignored as Skov answered in pure unmarred joy “Oh, were going to play with Legos!” He interrupted his next sentence with a laugh before he corrected “Sorry, I mean, _build_ or _design_ because, you know, he’s to cool to play.”

“I swear to God, Blake Skovron, one day I will beat the shit out of you.”

“But today isn’t that day!”

“But it is not this day,” his father corrected. No one would even guess he was paying attention as he chilled in the leather recliner, scrolling through God knew what on his phone. “If you’re going to quote, do it right.”

Skov blinked at Joseph’s father before leaning closer to Joseph and whispering “Has he watched The Lord of the Rings?”

“He lives and breathes it like the nerd he is.”

“Takes one to know one,” his father murmured, before getting up and putting his phone to his ear, making his way towards the backyard. “Nerd.”

Joseph didn’t bother giving that a response as he opened the door to the theater and went down the steps, not caring if Skov was following. Opening the closet his box sat in, he leaned down to tug with his good hand but was stopped before he had the chance. “What are you doing?” Skov snapped, literally shoving Joseph to the side and yanking the box himself. “What part of ‘you are injured’ do you not understand? I’m supposed to take out the box.”

“What’s with you being all pushy today,” Joseph grumbled, rubbing his arm where Skov had shoved. “Good Lord.”

Once Skov dragged the huge bin over to the front where there was the most space, they sat down and silently worked, the only sound being the shuffling of little plastic pieces. It was harder than Joseph thought it would be building with one hand but he managed. He just had to move slower and press a little harder. Joseph hadn’t been sure what he’d wanted to build but after the mention of the Lord of the Rings, he decided Barad-Dur was a good choice.

Complex and beautiful.

He wasn’t sure what Skov was up to, but the foundation looked nice. They didn’t bother speaking, just focused on their work, the calm of building settling over them.

Shuffling through the bin, Joseph took out the horses he’d need later before glancing over at Skov and his building. He still wasn’t sure what it was but it wouldn’t be fair if Joseph took all six horses without at least asking. “Do you need a horse?” he asked as he continued shuffling through, trying to find more black pieces. “Skov?”

“Hmm.”

“You need a horse?”

“I’ll take one.”

Joseph glanced over at a building that was now suspiciously looking hobbitish. “Hobbit hole?”

Glancing up, focus now broken, Skov smiled and nodded. “Guess I’m doing a good job! I wasn’t sure what I wanted to make but then I was like ‘hobbits!’ so here I am. What do you think so far?”

Handing over one of the white horses and keeping the rest in his pile, Joseph went back to his work as he nodded and said “I like it. Looking legit.”

“So…” Skov said, his voice slowing and quieting to a careful murmur, “you wanna know what me and Swan talked about?”

Biting his lip as his hand froze over his pile of black Legos that he’d picked out of the bin, Joseph thought this over before just giving in. He was complaining of fakers and yet he was totally being one. They both knew how badly he wanted to hear this. “Am I allowed to?”

“Oh, yeah, it’s no biggie.”

Trying not to sound as eager as he actually was, he gave a simple answer that couldn’t possibly convey any type of emotion. “Yes.”

“He asked how you’re doing,” Skov said, continuing his building as he spoke. He picked up a green piece but tossed it to the side when it was too big for what he needed. “Then he called you an asshole.”

Joseph waited for more but it didn’t seem like Skov was going to say anything. “That’s it?”

“I told you it was no biggie.”

He dug his teeth into his lip, refusing to show Skov how upset he was by this. That was the best Finlay could offer? How is he and he’s an asshole?

That was it?

“I should just dump him myself and get it over with,” Joseph muttered, the skin of his lip breaking as he dug deeper. If that was all he was worth then why the fuck should he bother stressing out over this stupid ass relationship that obviously wasn’t worth shit? “Fuck him.”

“So I guess you don’t respect your relationship anymore?”

The only relief his lip got was him switching to grinding his teeth to stop himself from blowing up on this idiotic little shit. Shutting his eyes, Joseph rested his head in his palm and said nothing. If he wasn’t worth concern then why the fuck was he bothering in this relationship? What was it even worth?

Why did it always feel like he was the one who lost out on everything?

It surprised him when he realized that his palm was wet, capturing tears that he hadn’t even known he’d been shedding. Shedding in front of Skov no less. And as if that wasn’t embarrassing enough, another apparent figure was watching them from the doorway, hesitant yet concerned.

“Am…I intruding?” Andrey asked, as if his voice was tip toeing dangerous waters. “Are you okay?”

There were too much damn people. Too much and he hated it more than anything else. More than the amount of hate he felt for his shitty boyfriend right now. “Get. Out.”

“Joseph-”

“I said get out!” He jumped to his feet, not caring anymore about how pathetic and shitty he looked. Joseph was done with people. If he made it past eighteen, he was going to become a hermit in the fucking mountains and live with only animals. He’d become the crazy cat man and he’d damn well enjoy it. “Get out, get out, get OUT!”

He was on the verge of having a temper tantrum like a freaking baby but at this point, he didn’t give a goddamn fuck. His boyfriend sure didn’t give a fuck about him, did he? Why even bother calling him his boyfriend? Swan was a piece of shit who didn’t even deserve that title. He was a useless, worthless-

“FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!”

There was an undying urge to break something but there wasn’t a thing around that was breakable and he refused to ruin his building. Joseph sat there on his knees, his burned foot screaming for mercy as shouted, shouted, shouted, shouted as much as he could.

Just the fact that he was so inept to the point that all he could do was scream curse words pissed him off even more. He was shouting and crying and he was a blubbering mess that didn’t know or understand what the fuck was wrong outside of the fact that Swan had left him like trash and every person in this house didn’t give a damn about him. They were all fakers. Every single one.

“Liars,” her cried into his mother’s shoulder, not even sure when she got here, when the room had emptied, or how he’d ended up enveloped in her arms feeling like the whole world was against him. “They’re all fucking liars, mayko. Liars, liars.”

It barely registered until now, her soothing hand rubbing his back, her kisses being pressed to the good side of his burned head, as she whispered in his ear “I know, baby, I know.”


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Yo yo my peeps a deeps. How are y'all? So I am writing a Christmas special! It's quite large so do you think I should put it as one long huge chapter in Snapshots or should I do it as small separate chapters in its own story? Maybe both...?  
> I'm also working on a few other Snapshots so stay tuned!
> 
> Also, idk how many of you like TED Talks but I watched this one the other day that I thought was really interesting about addiction. If you guys want, watch it [here](https://www.ted.com/talks/johann_hari_everything_you_think_you_know_about_addiction_is_wrong) It's 15 minutes and I thought it was cool. It's about how to combat addiction through connection. Not going to lie, I was thinking about K and my happy au as I watched it lol
> 
> Anyways, enjoy!
> 
> _“Your positivity gives me the heeby fucking jeebies, man.”_

Blake felt so guilty. He’d sent the man into a freaking mental episode. Or breakdown. Or something, but he’d done it alright.

“Oh my god, I’m such an asshole,” he whispered into his hands as he sat in a chair in the living room, hunched over in shame. Shame. “Such an asshole.”

He’d literally made Joseph Kavinsky cry.

Cry.

“Asshole.”

“He seems to have temper tantrum problems that he never had as a child,” Joseph’s aunt murmured. Blake peeked through his fingers at her, watching her on the couch across from him. Correcting Joseph’s cousins was no big deal because they were all probably around the same age but it was beyond him to be rude to an adult. No matter how seemingly dumb this one seemed.

When Joseph had started screaming, like really screaming, Blake had freaked out. He had seen Kavinsky in a million different situations, millions, but this…torrid of anger was something else entirely. It was something Blake had never experienced and he hoped that he never would again.

It scared the crap out of him. And not in the same way that sometimes Kavinsky did. No, this was something else entirely.

Andrey had disappeared pretty quick and Blake had considered trying to calm Joseph down himself but…

Yeah.

Scared out of his marbles to even get near the man screaming bloody murder of hate.

Mrs. Kavinsky had come down in the second Andrey had disappeared and without a word, pointed Blake out the door. Blake had no clue what had happened after that. He just knew he was the biggest asshole on the planet. Because no matter how someone looked at it, it was what Blake had said that set Joseph off. To him, it didn’t seem like any random bout of anger or a tantrum. It was like…a trigger.

A triggered episode? But an episode of what? Joseph had anxiety, yeah, but that hadn’t been an anxiety attack. It was something else entirely.

“That’s not a temper tantrum,” Mr. Kavinsky said, breaking what silence had befallen all of them. Blake turned his peeking eyes to the man sitting uncomfortably in the recliner, phone tapping against his chin. “That’s like…an attack of something.” His eyes dropped from the ceiling, finding Blake’s hiding between his fingers in a second. “Puppy boy, what’d you say to him?”

Just because Blake blamed himself did not mean he wanted the mobster to. Taking a deep breath before sitting properly so he didn’t look so pathetic hiding behind his own hands, Blake murmured almost pitifully for the fear of being blamed “It’s not my fault. I swear.”

“I didn’t say it was. It’s nobody’s fault. But something triggered him into an attack.”

“Episode,” Blake corrected though he was still unsure what type of episode Joseph was even having.

“Episode,” Joseph’s father agreed with a nod. He dropped his phone of the small table beside him without a care or worry for its damage and nodded as he thought. “It’s definitely an episode of some sort.”

“Maybe he’s like bipolar,” Anka offered with a shrug and a disinterested face. Blake honestly didn’t like her so far but…opinions could change. Maybe she had some niceness to her that was just buried deep. Very deep.

Very very deep.

Mr. Kavinsky’s mouth turned to the side, his face scrunching in thought. “I don’t think so. I’ve read about bipolar disorder and I don’t think it quite matches right.” Resting his chin in his palm that sat on the arm of the recliner, he tapped his fingers on his thigh. His mouth opened before it closed again, a frown turning his mouth more.

Anka waited but when Mr. Kavinsky said nothing she snorted “Can’t he just be a hormonal teenager like every other normal kid?”

“No one said Joseph was normal,” Joseph aunt cut in. “He’s always had his issues.”

“That doesn’t mean he’s not normal,” Blake snapped before clamping his mouth shut. One, he didn’t like to yell and two, he didn’t yell at adults. Ever. It was beyond rude and disrespectful.

But come _on_ , lady.

Joseph’s aunt stared at Blake, her brow raised in challenge as she waited for him to continue his mini outburst. And since she was offering the opportunity…she he just take it up with her?

Sure, why not.

“’Normal’ is a societal standard that everyone thinks the have to shove themselves into. It doesn’t even exist. Just because he has an anxiety disorder, it doesn’t make him ‘not normal.’ You’d be amazed the amount of people who you consider ‘normal’ actually suffer from some type of disorder. Maybe you shouldn’t be so quick to make such stupid judgements when you don’t even know anything.”

“And you do?”

Blake doubted he knew even an inch of what Swan did about Joseph but he knew enough to know that he’d been through a lot. Suffered through enough. And that was plenty. It was plenty for Blake to know that no one could come around blaming him or judging him for being ‘not normal.’

Joseph was Joseph and he needed a little more help than most people did but that didn’t mean he wasn’t normal. He was himself and that was more than enough.

Pulling up his legs and sitting criss cross applesauce, Blake crossed his arms and snorted “I know enough to know that though my friend is having a rough time; it doesn’t mean he’s a freak. And if he or Jiang were standing here at this moment, they’d both make a really stupid dirty joke about that.”

“Amen.”

Blake’s head whipped around to Joseph, leaning against the wall beside the door that lead to the theater. He looked pale, exhausted, and just downright dried out. His nose was raw, visible from all the way over here, and his eyes were puffy and drooping, too tired to stay open more than required. “You can plug in your dirty joke if you want.”

Usually something as simple as that would at least, at the very least, make Joseph’s mouth twitch for a smile. But Blake didn’t even get that twitch, instead receiving a blank stare from those tired eyes that flicked from one person to the next. Mrs. Kavinsky turned up behind him, shutting the door and going on her tip toes while dragging Joseph’s head down to press a kiss to his singed ear.

The blank look was eating Blake alive. He’d take all the nastiest jokes directed at him if it meant he could make that look go away. “No dirty joke for me?”

Joseph’s arm went to scratch at his pressure sleeve before it stopped itself and instead went into the pocket of his athletic pants. The blank stare stayed as he replied “Jiang likes your little sausage.”

“That’s the best you got?”

Shrugging as he walked towards the staircase, Joseph slipped off the house slippers on his feet and began his ascend. “You should go home, Blake. Try me again in a few days or something.”

It was no joke the amount of distress Blake felt about seriously having his first sleepover canceled but he respected Joseph enough not to push it as they all heard his door click shut. Before Joseph had sounded like himself so pushing didn’t matter. But now…he just sounded so worn out. Albeit shouting would exhaust someone but this was an inner exhaustion and Blake wasn’t willing to wear him down more just for a sleepover.

“Is he supposed to be alone?” Joseph aunt murmured, glancing up to the second floor balcony before glancing back down to Mrs. Kavinsky who had taken up Joseph’s leaning spot. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”

“Nikol, I think you guys should go.”

This…sounded a little too personal for Blake to keep sitting for. But his stuff was still in Joseph’s room and well, Blake needed them. The toothbrush wasn’t a big deal but he definitely needed his mouth guard.

Now the question was, how was he supposed to get his stuff? He didn’t want Joseph thinking he came to bug him when he very obviously wanted to be left alone. But Blake’s teeth would not survive the night without his guard.

Dilemma.

“Why? If anything, I have made chores way easier, you know.”

Mrs. Kavinsky laughed as she walked over, dropping onto the couch beside Anka, across from Joseph’s aunt. Nikol. That lady. Ms. Nikol? Yeah, that worked fine for Blake. “Actually, yes, you have, thank you. But I need him to be comfortable and right now with fifty pairs of eyes watching his every move, that is not comfortable. Go rent a room if you want to stay that bad but I need you out of here. Sooner rather than later. Please.”

“I think less eyes on him is a horrible idea,” Anka snorted like she just knew it _all._ And honestly, Blake was getting really tired of that. “A suicidal person needs like ten thousand eyes on them.”

How could a person be this annoying? It wasn’t like Blake didn’t hang out with some very annoying assholes but for the love of all things, she was really _really_ getting to him. But he was a young man of manners and hell, if he was going to let her drag the nasty side out of him. In front of adults.

Getting to his feet and trying to ignore the fact that everyone’s eyes were watching him, Blake made a very unsure path to the stairs, pausing at the bottom before taking a deep breath. He didn’t want to bother Joseph but whether he liked it or not, he needed that mouth guard. Blake was so not risking his teeth’s health and jaw pain because he was afraid.

“You’re going to have to start climbing eventually,” Mr. Kavinsky called out. Blake didn’t want to look at him so he couldn’t catch the nerves running over his entire body and took the biggest breath before beginning his ascend. Hopefully Joseph wouldn’t think that Blake was being pushy or only coming to plead his case for the sleep over.

“Joseph?” Blake whispered once he reached the boy’s closed door, tapping softly with the pads of his fingers. “I’m not here to bother you, I just kinda need my stuff.” He gnawed on his lip and decided to just go for it. It wasn’t like they hadn’t just admitted secrets to each other. For God’s sake, he told the first person ever that he had trouble tying laces. He could talk about his mouth guard. “I can’t sleep without my-”

“You can open.”

Blake’s breathing took a dip in surprise at the voice that came from the room. Hoping for the best, he opened the door just a crack and slid his way in silently. “I don’t mean to bother you.”

Joseph looked up from where he sat at his low table, a pillow under his butt and a paintbrush in hand. The paper before him was still blank but the paint tray was open and the water was already dirty. “I know. That’s why I let you in.”

“Oh, well, that’s good then,” Blake whispered, feeling like it was wrong for his voice to go any louder. He stood there awkwardly, Joseph’s eyes watching him, and decided that he might as well just grab his crap and go. No point in dragging this out. “I’ll get my stuff and go.”

Head titling to the side, Joseph watched him walk over to his backpack, the gaze burning Blake’s back. “You don’t have to leave.”

“It’s okay if you’re not up to it. Don’t worry.”

No words came after that, so Blake took it as over and done with. He was disappointed like hell but he wouldn’t pressure someone who wasn’t up for it. “You like to paint?” Blake may not be the pushy type but that meant nothing for his curiosity. He’d been learning more about K these past couple weeks than he had in years of hanging out with him. “Painting is fun.”

And therapeutic.

Focusing back on his painting, or lack of, Joseph dipped his brush in a crimson color. “I’ve never done much painting really. But my doctor said I should try to paint colors on how I’m feeling.”

“Art therapy!” Blake exclaimed with glee, dropping his bag off his shoulder and scooting in beside Joseph. He earned himself a hell of a side eye but Blake tried his best to act like he hadn’t noticed. “Art therapy is great! I used to do it when I was little! I was a super stressed child,” he couldn’t help but add with a laugh. The first time he’d seen a therapist, he’d been a stressed out tiny seven year old who couldn’t take the pressure of school and family. His father didn’t necessarily care but Blake’s mother had thought he was too strange of a child.

She was his mother and he loved her but she never seemed to understand that she and his brothers were the ones stressing him the fuck out.

Brush still covered in crimson, Joseph’s eyes scanned Blake’s face before turning back to his paper and murmuring “I’m having trouble starting. She said just put colors but I think I’m overthinking my colors too much.”

“Well, you laughed today,” Blake offered encouragingly, reaching around his friend and grabbing a brush. Dipping it into the water and then a nice soft yellow, he traded it for the red in Joseph’s hand. “So we should make sure we put that down. You laughed and smiled so make a nice a big blotch.”

Joseph blinked at him before shrugging and outlining a big yellow circle in the middle. He quietly filled it in, his hand steady as he placed stroke after stroke. Once that was done, he washed his brush and patted it dry on a towel. It took a good quiet few seconds before he went for orange, diluting it a bit before he made a wavy line around his circle. Cleaning his brush once more, he went for a deep blue and lightly laid it on his orange.

“What’s that one?”

Washing his brush and going for a sadder toned blue, Joseph murmured “I think my frustration. I’m not sure what frustration should be but it kinda makes me think of being sad and angry at the same time. But she told me not to think too hard on the actual feeling, just put the colors.”

Blake nodded silently as he watched Joseph make a small blotchy blue spot in the corner. He was actually surprised that Joseph was into doing his therapy already. After the episode downstairs, Blake hadn’t expected him to be able to function this well.

As Joseph went for a dark dark red, a soft knock rapped on the door, with Mrs. Kavinsky’s voice following. “Baby, can I come in?”

Leaning close to Joseph’s poor abused ear, Blake whispered “Can I call you baby too?”

It didn’t just shock him, it shocked both of them as Joseph burst into a huge laugh, the surprise at the action making his eyes go wide. A smile played on his face as he snorted “Man, you can barely take dirty jokes and now you’re trying to fuck with me?”

“Maybe you can be my baby, you don’t know.”

“Oh, I know, pups,” Joseph laughed, shaking his head as he splattered red on his picture, “I know. If there shall be use of that in this nonexistent relationship, you’d be the baby, pupster.”

“I think your mom is still waiting at the door.”

Joseph glanced over in the direction of the door before sighing and setting down his brush. Leaning back on his good arm, he called “You can come in.”

The door opened quietly, Mrs. Kavinsky’s head popping around the bookcase, a smile on her face. “I may have heard the sound of a lovely laugh.”

“Mmmm, you might’ve,” Joseph hummed, his head tilted to the side as they watched her smile grow even wider. “But then again, you might’ve not.”

“Ah.”

“Mhmm.”

“I see the paints are out.”

Shrugging as he straightened and went for his brush, Joseph replied “Thought I should do it while the day is still fresh in my head.” He wiped his brush clean and dabbed in soft violet, painting swirls all over the page. “I still find this kind of dumb but it’s a menial kind of dumb so I guess it’s okay.”

“As long as you’re actually doing it,” Mrs. Kavinsky said softly, more for herself than either of them two. She leaned herself on the bookcase and watched Joseph paint for a while before murmuring “You feeling a little better?”

Blake wasn’t going to lie, he was worried that the question might offend. Or worse, ruin Joseph’s whole ‘easy does it’ mood. But Mrs. Kavinsky knew her son well so she had to know how and when to ask certain questions. “A little bit,” Joseph replied, not in the least annoyed by the question. “Painting is kind of calming. Blake here isn’t too bad either.”

He couldn’t remember the last time he got so weirded out by someone saying his name. It was too strange having K say it in casual conversation when he’d only ever been Skov. Had they moved up in the friend meter and that was why first names were better now?

Asking was too embarrassing though. He’d look like a complete loser if he asked something stupid like that.

Giving a glance to his watch and realizing that it was only getting later and later, Blake dragged himself to his feet and grabbed his bag. “I should get going then. It’s getting late.” Disappointment was sitting hard on his shoulders but it wasn’t the time for his childish want. “I’ll catch you tomorrow probably.”

“Just sit your ass back down,” Joseph sighed, rolling his eyes as he did. He patted the spot that Blake had vacated, “Sit, pups.”

Excited flared in his chest, pulsing his heart with such an electric shock that it hurt. “Are you sure?” Blake asked, really hoping that he was sure. If this was Kavinsky, Blake might think that he was just playing with him to annoy him but this guy wasn’t that guy. This was Joseph. The _real_ Joseph. “If you’re not up to it, it’s really okay.”

Painting a soft pink swirl through his other colors, Joseph stared at his picture for a good few quiet minutes before he hummed and dropped his brush into the water. “I think…I’m done.” Scratching his short strange hair that Blake would never get used to, he nodded and murmured “I like it. I think it came out kinda pretty.” Joseph looked up at his mother who was watching him with soft eyes, “Do you think I should get a folder or something? So they don’t get messed up?”

Blake was still standing awkwardly, Joseph’s invitation still in the air without any confirmation. “Um, so, yeah, I’m off then.”

“Why?” Joseph asked, one brow raised high as he patted the spot beside him again. “Sit. I told you it’s fine.”

“But you…told me to try again later.”

“Well, I guess now is the later of the past, huh?”

“Uh…” He was pretty sure that wasn’t how it worked but what did he know? He should always take his chances when he had them. “I…guess?”

Joseph nodded and patted the floor again. “Good. Sit, sit, pupsters.”


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Hi guys! So a lot of crap has been going on for me right now but I'm doing my best to keep my scheduling. I hope you guys are all enjoying the story. Don't forget to hit the kudos and you know, a comment couldn't hurt anyone.
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> _"I want you to get better from the bottom of my little Skovron heart but you can’t fight me every step of the way.”_

His mind was cooler than it had been and whether he liked it or not, the damn painting had actually helped. It made Joseph’s mind slowly shut off, the only thing mattering was the colors and the strokes. Joseph wasn’t a painter by any means but he was a painter via therapy and that was enough for his tired brain.

Curling up under his covers after finally finding a position that worked for his abused body, Joseph watched Skov make his way over from the bathroom, pajamas looking sharper than pajamas should. “You know,” Joseph murmured, watching Skov as Skov watched him after putting his clothes in his backpack, “you are one of the few people who can totally pull off a pajama set.”

Skov laughed as he zipped his bag shut, his soft hair bouncing on his forehead. “What’s wrong with pajama sets? I get a nice comfy pants with a nice comfy button shirt. No thinking required. All the matching has been done for me.”

“I don’t even remember the last time I owned a pj set, dude.”

“Do pj sets even come in your size?”

Joseph glanced at his hands as if that was the telltale sign for body size. As if he didn’t know what his body was like in the first place. “What size am I?” He usually bought clothes in medium or sometimes large. It wasn’t ideal for his actual weight but he needed the height too. He’d rather have the clothes baggy than short.

What was a real pain was shopping for jeans. If someone wondered what hell was like, they had to try shopping for a boy who was a twenty-eight waist with thirty-four or thirty-six length, depending on the pants cut. Hell, finding twenty-eight waist in general was a pain. He usually just got a thirty and used a belt after he made new holes in it.

“Tall but not big,” Skov replied, stretching out on his blankets and blinking up at Joseph with a goofy smile. “Like dude, I’m amazed that clothes even sit on your waist. You and me look like we weigh the same and that is concerning because of our height difference.”

It was in fact very concerning. Joseph of course knew that. But it wasn’t his fault he was unhealthy.

Mostly.

Kind of.

With a sigh, Joseph yawned too far for it not to hurt and blinked down at his friend. Skov was probably one of the most legit people out of all of them. Sure, he had his own little assoholery moments but Joseph was pretty sure that was because of all of them being bad influences. He was trustworthy, understanding, and cute though that part was technically irrelevant. He was and yet wasn’t as wholesome as Emilio was and Emilio both was and wasn’t as wholesome as Skov was. “Hey, can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

It was a stupid thing but if Joseph was finally going to be himself, wake up and finally find himself again, then he was allowed to ask as many stupid questions as he liked. “If I had ever asked you out, would you have said yes?”

Not looking even the tiniest bit offended or even embarrassed like these types of questions would always made Skov, his friend mulled it over with a thumbnail in his mouth. “Well…I would have turned you down because I’ve never considered myself anything other than straight. Even hanging around Jiang and Swan, like…” his head tipped to the side, sinking into his pillow with that serious look on his face, “I’ve never been curious. Now, if I had been or am, I still think I’d reject you.”

“Ouch,” Joseph couldn’t help but laugh. He appreciated the honesty to the point that it didn’t even hurt his pride.

“Just because like, you’re not in a healthy enough headspace to be in a proper relationship. A _healthy_ relationship.”

Fair point. Joseph had it hard enough navigating him and Emilio’s relationship and his headspace had been way healthier then than it was now. With Swan…they were a mess. And now that he’d screamed his head and felt a little lighter and clearer, Joseph knew that he was a little overboard. Swan was no saint, but he was a saint in the relationship game if nothing else.

“Once you’re around your family some more, your therapist, friends, and whoever else, you’ll start feeling better again.”

“Your positivity gives me the heeby fucking jeebies, man.”

“Aw but my heeby jeebies are the best!”

He didn’t even bother deigning that with a response.

“Can you please just take a shit somewhere?” Joseph all but snapped at Walnut who was trying to pick the best place in the backyard. She’d been going back and forth for the past fifteen minutes and, yes, Joseph was well aware that she preferred her shits taken elsewhere but this was what they had to work with for the moment. If he was willing to clean even with half his body fucked up, then she could make a couple compromises too. “It’s all the same.”

“Actually-” Skov began in that damn prodigy know-it-all voice.

“Shut your face,” Joseph said, cutting Skov off before he had the chance. Joseph knew how it worked, thank you. He didn’t particularly care this not fine morning that was way too stuffy for life. It was fuck ass hot and Joseph hated fuck ass Henrietta. “When I ask, you can give me all the damn news flashes you want. But not before.”

“Why the hate, Timmy.”

“Because Timmy is tired to the point where he will not mind bashing your face in right now,” he snapped as Walnut yet again walked away from a spot she’d been checking out. “How’s that for you, Tommy?”

“Harsh but I’ll deal,” Skov sighed as he shook his head. “I can just take her on a walk for you. I don’t mind.”

Joseph spared a glance at the tiny boy beside him who thought he could wrangle a one hundred and fifteen pound dog by himself. A dog that he didn’t really know that well in the first place. “Skovron, I hate to break it to you, but she’s as big as you, man. Literally.”

Skov took a minute to look down at his body and then glanced back up at Walnut who was finally satisfied with the spot she’d picked. He squinted for a moment before shrugging and giving Joseph a big smile. “I got at least, _at least_ , five inches on her. At least, K. Don’t test me and my little patience when it comes to my height.”

“Uhuh. What will you do to me if I do?”

Thumbnail in his mouth, Skov blinked at him before shrugging. He didn’t bother to mildly explain what he could possibly do and instead took the bag from Joseph’s hand and walked over to where Walnut had shat. “You’re welcome, by the way.”

Joseph had actually been about to say thank you, but this bastard hadn’t given him a proper chance. So now, just to be that asshole, he was keeping his thank you to himself. “I saw nothing.”

“Ouch. Why are you hurting my feelings today?” Skov came walking over, the filled bag swinging back and forth in his hand without a care, still dressed in his sharp pjs. “Did I snore? Sasha has told me before that, sometimes, I’m pretty serious in the snore game.”

He had noticed. It wasn’t necessarily Skov’s fault because Joseph was both a snorer and had slept beside the loudest snorer before – his father – but man, had the night been _bad._ No matter which way he turned which was limited as it was, Joseph couldn’t sleep. He’d closed his eyes, counted sheep, sang his lullaby in his head, and thought of happy times. When all attempts had been tried and failed, he had simply laid there, staring up at the ceiling though sometimes, his gaze would drag over to his photo wall. The creeping bathroom light wasn’t the most optimal for proper viewing but it suited his purposes plenty.

So while Skov’s snoring had nothing to do with the fact that he didn’t sleep, Joseph was in fact grumpy from the lack of sleep. Just, not because of Skov. So technically, being snippy at Skov wasn’t fair but no one said Joseph always played fair. “So what exactly is up with Proko?” Joseph tried, hoping that Skov didn’t want to hate him too for his lack of knowledge on the topic like Jiang. “Flu in the summer?”

Coming from around the house after trashing the shit bag, Skov did that little twisty thing with his mouth with his hands on his hips. “Lemme ask you something.”

Oh boy. “Go for it.”

“Genuinely, did you not wonder once where Sasha was during this whole,” his arms went wild in a circle with his eyes going as wide as his arms “thing? Like did you ever once think ‘gee, I saw Swan and Jiang just left, oh, and there’s Skov. Where’s Prokopenko?’” Tapping his blonde blonde head, Skov finished “Did that once flicker up here?”

Stuffing his hand in the pocket of his pants to stop himself from scratching at his pressure sleeve, Joseph bit at his lip, trying to decide how he was to answer. Really, Proko hadn’t entered his mind once. It wasn’t for any particular reason, it was just that a lot of stuff was currently happening in his life and…Prokopenko…just wasn’t as important. His friends weren’t even that important either. Like, yeah, it was nice that they came to see him and it made him feel really good because it meant they cared but like…

Yeah.

Joseph was not only dealing with the fact that he lived, but there were the aftereffects of everything else. His mother was clean, his father was here, his aunt and cousins had shown up completely uninvited, and Joseph was a mess. That was a lot of crap to deal with without adding Prokopenko to the mix. Undead Prokopenko.

“I’m going to be completely honest,” Joseph began, already feeling the pressure of Skov’s judgy eyes, “not…really.” One of Skov’s eyebrows raised up high. “But I mean, I’m dealing with a lot of shit right now and Proko isn’t at the top of the list.” Skov crossed his arms, his lips pursing in displeasure. “C’mon, Skov, feel with me a little. If you were in my situation, would you be thinking much about Prokopenko?”

With those pretty lips twisting back and forth as he thought this over, Skov walked over to a pool chair and dropped himself in it. No matter how hot and stuffy it was, swimming was out of the question for Joseph. Which sucked because the freeing feeling of the water would be nice on his skin. Nicer than this damn sun and he wasn’t even in the sun unless he wanted to fuck his burns and grafts over.

He was not that stupid, thank you.

“Okay, I get where you’re coming from,” Skov began in his lecture voice, “but I also think that most people would have thought about the only friend of the group that hasn’t shown up. I’d get a little curious at the very least.”

How was he supposed to explain that there was more going on in his life than it seemed? His father was here. An undead man. Joseph was still a dreamer, even if he’d been lucky enough to have his forest turned off for the time being. Maybe he had to thank Atanas? Who knew. Joseph didn’t have a clue what was going on in there. Or up there. Or wherever it was.

Plus, he still had Diana to worry about. Where the fuck had she gone? It wasn’t like she knew the place so she couldn’t have gone far. But Joseph sure hadn’t heard anything about sights of a huge flaming ass dragon. Or a freaky looking girl. Could she change her appearance in the real world? Or was she restricted to reality’s rules while here? It’d be weird if she wasn’t so…she had to, right?

“You heard news of dragons lately?”

Skov sighed, almost, just almost, angrily, his lecture voice coming out in full force. Like full _full_ force. Like Skov on drugs if he ever did any. “I’m legit trying to have a serious conversation with you right now. Can you focus?”

The dragon convo was actually serious but Skov wouldn’t get that. “Look. Look, look.” Joseph paused and scratched at his hair that would be a bed head if he actually had enough hair. He missed his hair as foolish as it sounded. The faster it grew back, the better. “I completely understand what you’re saying. I really do.” Skov snorted in disbelief. “But bear with me hear for a second. I’ve been through a lot in a very short amount of time. And…yeah, I should’ve asked about Proko a long time ago. Especially because he’s the OG of this gang after me.”

Skov had that look that said he wanted to laugh but was refusing to. “Wouldn’t the OG care about his first OG then?”

Pointing with a long bony finger, Joseph replied “Yes, yes he would. But keep in mind that the OG of the OG’s has his head jumbled up with a million things right now. And there’s a million things going on outside his brain as well.” Millions, good Lord. “I haven’t seen my dad in literal years and now I’m living with him. I haven’t spoken to my family in years and now quite a few of them are here. I-”

Cutting him off with a wave of his hand, Skov stretched his legs out where he sat on one of the colorful pool chairs that Joseph’s mother had gotten to spite him because he’d wanted the brown ones and said “Stop. You know, you’re right and I should’ve taken that into account.” Tilting his head in thought, Skov murmured “We’re all offended on Sasha’s behalf but we should have realized that it’s more than just a stint in the hospital that you’re going through. I’m sorry.”

God, it was always nice to be right. But…in a way, Joseph was also still technically wrong here. “Thank you but I still should have asked and I’m also sorry.”

With a giggle and a smile, Skov clapped like the idiot he was. “I wish I’d recorded that! Kavinsky knows how to say sorry! Hallelujah, great balls of fire!”

He didn’t want to smile and encourage this fool but he couldn’t help it. Even a laugh escaped his chapped lips as he shook his head and walked back towards the house. “Stop being such a little shit, you little shit. Jesus.”


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> Okay so I ALMOST had the Christmas special ready. ALMOST. And I'm sure at this point some of y'all are like 'did she even write one??' And yes, yes I did thank you. It's over ten thousand words and 20 pages on word. OVER TWENTY OKAY  
> You're welcome. I promise you'll love it.  
> It'll for sure be up by the next update.  
> I'll hopefully have a Snapshot ready by the next update too!
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> _"All of you need to grow up, oh my God!”_

The day went by quicker than any other. Honestly, Joseph wasn’t too sure that he was happy about it because it felt like wasting a day but at least it’d been chill. Joseph wasn’t even sure when the last time had been that he’d spent so much time with Skov. This had to be the longest ever in their entire knowing of each other.

And if that didn’t speak of friendship, then it at least spoke of friend-decency.

By the time evening came, both he and Skov were still down in the basement, working on their buildings. Joseph’s wasn’t even close to done because he always had to take things too far but Skov only had some finishing touches left to his hobbit hole. It was impressive, but Joseph was pretty sure his building was cooler.

He was a conceited bastard, if nothing else.

“You wouldn’t happen to have a hobbit Lego man by any chance, would you?” Skov asked, breaking their nearly hour long silence. “It’d look better than just your average construction man.”

“Yeah, hold up,” Joseph murmured as he leaned back to check the proportions of his tower. Another level should be enough but then again…a stubby Barad-Dur wouldn’t be fitting at all. If he was doing this, then it had to be done properly. “Three levels then,” he said to himself as he scooted over to his tub and started digging. “I used to have like five hobbits but honestly, I don’t think I’ve seen them in a while…”

“Hey, so I was thinking-”

“Don’t hurt yourself. Thinking’s dangerous, you know.”

“You really need to realize that you’re totally not as cute as you think you are.” Joseph laughed as he tossed Skov a hobbit before looking for another. “Why don’t you come with me to Aglionby tonight?” His shuffling of hundreds of Legos paused. “You can check on Sasha and then, you know, like…talk to Swan.”

Joseph felt like a broken record from how often he had to explain himself. Plopping onto his butt and grimacing at Skov, he snorted “Man, do you listen when I speak?”

Snapping the hobbit down in the little front yard he’d made for his hobbit hole, Skov didn’t meet his eyes as he replied softly “I’m just trying to help.”

“Yeah, well, your ‘helping’ is starting to piss me off.”

With his pert nose all scrunched into a shape of disdain, Skov glanced up at him and said “You know that half your problem, and I have known this for years just so you know, it is not something new, is that you try so hard to refuse help? Like, it’s like it disgusts you or something and I hate to break it to you, Kavinsky, but there is not a single person in this world who can survive without some help. I want you to get better from the bottom of my little Skovron heart but you can’t fight me every step of the way.”

He had a feeling Skov might end up flinging some Legos at him soon. “Why not? I’m pretty okay at fighting, you know.”

Joseph had no clue that Skov’s nose could scrunch that much. Holy hell, it was like it became this little ball of squish. “I know you think I’m this little petite sweet thing, but I promise you, I can get angry too. I can totally punch you if I have to. I’m getting really _really_ close to that level, buddy.”

Disagreement was on the tip of his tongue but something in Skov’s face stopped his sarcastic reply. It wasn’t like he’d never faced Skov’s disappointment because he was disappointing him like all the time but for some reason… “Skovron-”

“No, sir, do not ‘Skovron’ me.”

Scratching at his shitty hair, Joseph sat there, silent in his words. Not in thought, but definitely in words. He hadn’t put words ‘delicately’ in years that he wasn’t so sure how he was supposed to convey what he had to say without Skov cutting him off for doing it wrong.

Adding an extra tree to his hobbit’s yard, Skov snorted “That’s it? Gave up already?”

Clenching his teeth to try and retain what little decency he had left for Skov, Joseph shut his eyes and rested his head on his tub of Legos. “Kavinsky’s aren’t giver-upers, man. But we are thinkers so gimme a minute here to break down my words.”

“I’ll allow two before I give you some more of mine.”

Running his lip through his teeth, Joseph began softly “I’m worried Swan doesn’t want to talk to me.”

Might as well get that fearful elephant out of the room.

“I do really bad with rejection. I didn’t use but it’s just that…” he paused as he gnawed on his lip some more, trying to convey his feelings without really conveying his feelings because he was sick of having to get deep about everything. Wasn’t he allowed a little of privacy? “I feel like…I’m never good enough. For anything or, really, anyone. That the minute someone gets what they want from me or they know someone cooler or whatever…”

They’d leave him behind.

Like Lynch. Like Blue.

It wasn’t just them, that was the thing. People ditching him was nothing new. That was why the only real friend he’d ever had was Emilio. Even the friendship he’d had with Micah had eventually teetered off to him hanging out with the other guys on the baseball team. Joseph had always been the weird or nerdy kid that was just kind of there. You talked to them but then you moved on once you met someone new. And it hurt. It always hurt.

Keeping his eyes shut and his head still on the edge of the box, Joseph murmured “Sometimes, being the one who’ll eventually be left behind hurts more than already knowing that you’re the kid who gets left out. Because people will say that you’re friends and everything is great but then you’re not good enough anymore and you just sit there and wonder why. What changed?”

Joseph hadn’t forgotten that he was talking to Skov, but his voice still spooked him as he asked “Did you forget that your crew is total ride or die freaks for you?

The point was to make him feel better, he knew that, but if anything, the words just hurt. His friends were his friends, sure, but they’d made friends with Kavinsky, not Joseph. They were ride or die for Kavinsky and his fun and his stupidity and his parties. They liked what they saw and even then, there had been a few times when he’d been the sucker of the group and left behind. Even though it was his damn group. If they got tired of Kavinsky then why exactly would they put up with Joseph? Kavinsky was all the ugly parts of him sure, but handling Joseph wasn’t any easier either.

He should break up with Finlay.

“I think,” Joseph practically whispered, feeling more tired than he had since he’d woken up in the hospital, “that I want you to go home now.” Skov wasn’t annoying him in any way but Joseph wanted space. He wanted quiet.

Joseph just wanted to be alone. If he could find a way to get everyone else out of his house, then he would. Shutting his door or being alone in a room wasn’t enough because he knew that they were just outside, sitting around like ants everywhere.

There was the sound of shuffling fabric and then some clinking of plastic. He knew Skov was standing when his voice was higher than Joseph was sitting, still moping into the tub of Legos. “Ummm…okay then. Um, just like, get some rest, okay? You’ll feel better after some rest.”

Rest was hard. Rest was painful. But for Skov, he’d give it a shot. “Yeah, sure, thanks. Goodnight or whatever.”

It took a good minute before he actually heard Skov start moving, his footsteps getting quieter and quieter as he disappeared out of the basement. He knew Skov would tell everyone that it was his idea to get going; he wouldn’t expose Joseph’s depressed state. Joseph wasn’t even sure if this was his depressed state because it didn’t feel like it. It was more like…defeated. Something had defeated him today and he didn’t even know what it was for sure.

But it’d been something and whatever it’d been made him feel like he’d failed.

Keeping his eyes shut as he slid himself down onto the floor, Joseph laid on his back as he wondered about everything. And anything. It didn’t matter; he just laid there and contemplated this wonder of a life.

And that was that.

* * *

Finlay blinked and just damn blinked and blinked at the text he was staring at. He was confused and insulted at the same time. Annoyed? Frustrated, most likely. Angry. Anger was definitely something he was feeling.

Definitely.

The phone number was Mrs. Kavinsky’s as he’d saved it the minute he’d worked up the courage to ask her for it in the hospital. But Finlay knew the message sure as hell wasn’t written by her.

_I’m really really sorry about before but I think its best we break up_

_sorry_

Excuse the fuck him?

“Why’s your face looking all constipated and shit?” Jiang asked from where he hung over the edge of Finlay’s bed, staring down at him where he’d been sitting on the floor, flipping through a motorcycle magazine. He had a license but only for cars. Finlay had loved motorcycles since he was little when his dad had got one but he was a little chicken to actually drive one.

Just a little.

“My boyfriend just dumped me,” he replied in a very very matter-o-fact voice. “Over text and through his mother’s phone.”

Jiang’s body noodled down onto the floor as he shoved his head over Finlay’s phone to read the message. “The fuck? What happened to ‘a text is just insulting?’”

Finlay knew that there’d been an argument of some sort over Prokopenko and Skov had showed him the bruise already but he didn’t know that they’d talked about him too. “What do you mean?”

“Nothing, man, nothing.” Jiang shook his head as he snorted in disgust. “This dude is a piece of shit, I swear to God. You feel bad for him for a tiny ass fraction of a second but then you remember what a shit he is and change your entire damn mind. The fuck, man, the fuck.” Picking his phone off the floor, his job now done, Jiang added as he focused back on his game “You should’ve dumped him first for bragging reasons.”

He didn’t bother giving that a response. It wasn’t worth the headache he’d get back from it. Spending another two minutes reading the stupidest text on the planet, Finlay decided to just settle for a sigh. A really big one. It wasn’t the first time someone had dumped him nor was it the first time that _Joseph_ had dumped him but like…

What the fuck, man.

Okay, so, yeah, Finlay was still upset about a few days ago but arguments were arguments. He was just waiting for a damn good apology, that was all. That was respect in a relationship. Instead, he was getting this bullshit for God knew what reason and what bothered him was that he wasn’t bothered. He was angry because he deserved better than a text message but he wasn’t actually bothered by the content of the message because it just didn’t feel real. It was too sudden like Joseph had just done it on some stupid whim which he probably had.

Finlay should talk to Skov about this. He was the one who’d spent the last two days with him.

Getting to his feet with Jiang not even curious nor caring, Finlay called on his way out “I’ll be right back, JJ.”

“I’ll fuck you up, man.”

“I know, I know. Love you too, JiaJia.”


	31. HIATUS NOTICE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sambamart](http://www.sambamart.tumblr.com)
> 
> [Instagram!](http://www.instagram.com/theyarnsmith)   
>  [Tumblr!](http://www.theyarnsmith.tumblr.com)

Hey y'all

Just a quick notice that all of my stories are going on a month hiatus. I hate doing this but a have quite a few things going on right now. Healthwise, I'm much better (in your face ibd) but this is 'work wise.' I do custom crochet orders and I have a couple I need to focus on and finish up. If you're interested in crochet and dolls and whatever, check out my instagram up top. I also have an etsy shop! Link the the instagram bio. Or if you want to follow my crochet tumblr, it's up top too

Once I'm back, you'll have lots of new content though! I got goodies!!

See you guys March 9th!! Don't forget!


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